school refusers

a resource for parents 

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Mental Wellbeing
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Thank goodness I have found this though it seems a long time since it was last used.

I am the mother of a teenager on the spectrum who has been refusing school since March, but I am also disabled myself and have serious mh issues. I have tried everything and am working with school and all avenues are being followed.

But I can't cope. My own health has completely crashed, my life is in financial tatters, I can't access my own essential health care, I have no support. Everyone tells me she is just trying her luck and I assume feel I am not trying when everyday is all about hours of pleading and pushing and asking her to please get dressed and go to school. All support services have told me to get her into school daily and I can't get her to do it.

Re: Hi

Dear J.

It has been some time since I have responded to posts on the forum as my life has moved on. I tell you this because at the time my daughter was in school - or should have been in school - I wondered if it ever would. I also worried that my daughter would ever come out of it and have an enjoyable life. The pressures on us all were enormous, but somehow we got through it. Somehow? Actually, it was talking to others who understood on this forum that got me through it. I am so grateful to them for their support.

No one provided the magic wand to make it all go away. It was just help to pick myself up when I felt down.

But there are some tips to help cope with the officialdom that surrounds us.

Keep a record of what is being said and done. Get your child to do the same. It becomes difficult to recall all the details and to chase people who make promises and fail to deliver.

Always ask at a meeting who is writing the minute and if it will be circulated. If they don't offer, make notes and write back confirming what it is that they said that they would do. Put yourself in charge. Don't let them get you down. It is their job to provide help and support, not to raise obstacles and to point out things you already know.

I know it is easier to say this than to do it from personal experience, but there are stories on here of those who have used this technique to very good effect.

But that is not answering your immediate issues. How to get your daughter into school.

We tried making life at home unpleasant. That did not work. We tried removing access to social media, but her teacher was trying to use that to contact her, and it cut her off from her friends when that was just the support she needed.

We tried one class a day; using home tutors; a special (Council run) school; first in the dinner queue; first out of class. None seemed to work.

BUT she got a degree and a job. Life is not all roses, but it is a whole lot better than we dared hope.

And here is another big BUT... is important that we all look after ourselves too. I do not know how I can help you here, but as otherwise our children will suffer more than they do. We have to learn to relax and take a break. Our holidays helped us even when they were still stressful (refusal to go out even for 'fun' trips) but the change of location broke the routine.

Keep in touch, J.

We are with you.


Re: Hi

Hi J

Hang in there!! You are not alone. And my heart goes out to you as I can feel your stress. It sounds so tough for you with not only your daughter refusing school but having various issues of your own to deal with. Simon's words are wise and his recomendation to also have a look on this site and see what you can find as it has helped countless people in the past, even if a bit quiet at the moment. Most posts are on the section below this. Also check the resource section.
The group that used to be called Parent Partnership (presuming you are in the UK?) has been helpful for those on here whose children are on the spectrum in particular.

My gut feeling is perhaps to focus on your own health first. See what help you can get to get things on the improvement for yourself. What about your doctor? Or any other support you have accessed in the past. Your health in this situation comes first and then you might find your daughter improves or at least you will have the health and energy to tackle her issues.
Is it possible to get work sent hime for her at the moment? Just to keep her up to date on what topics, work is being done?
Is there any chance that when you regain your strength you could do some home schooling? There are home schooling support groups in the UK if you search on line for your area who also do link ups so that the kids get some socialisation.

Don't be hard on yourself. When these things happen with our kids and can take its toll on our health.
Take care but do let us know how you are feeling or how you are or are not coping because everyone on here can sympathise with your situation and might have other words of support.