Hello,

My eleven year old boy had terrible anxiety as 4 starting 'big school' but settled down after 2 or 3 terms and was very happy. The anxiety started when he had to sit his 11+ exams but settled down again once his senior school was chosen. His first day in September was OK and although he was very anxious, he managed the first 6 weeks but I could see it was getting worse so he started seeing a therapist. The problem has now escalated and he has not been to school for the last 9 days. He has no learning difficulties, in fact he received top marks in all his recent tests. He is a fantastic sportsman (he was awarded the sports scholarship for his year) and is extremely popular. I managed to get him to school on last friday afternoon as he was going to a sleepover. He told all his school friends that he had had swine flu and he was eager to go this morning. He was fine until he got into the car and the anxiety/tantrum kicked in. We are absolutely devastated as he really does have everything going for him and basically, we just don't understand. He says 'he is scared of the teachers'. The school are being great so far, have primed all his teachers to be understanding etc but he has not turned up again...I have met a few of his teachers and they have told me Jackson is absolutely fine in class, one of the confident ones. The child we see every morning is very different from the child they see obviously. We just don't know what to do now. He is now refusing to see his therapist...Any advice would be greatly received

I am not in the best frame of mind to be helping anyone this afternoon, as I have still not managed to get my daughter into school today. I just find it so mind sapping.

I am sure you feel something similar, Sophie, and I do feel for you - and your son.

He says he is 'scared of the teachers', but I wonder if that is the problem or just an excuse - because he thinks he has to have a reason, when the reality may be that he cannot put his finger on what is causing the anxiety.

Refusing to see a therapist, and refusing help generally, seems a common response. Therapists say that once they get the child into therapy, they do make a difference and the children do start getting back into school. But we never managed that step.

Sophie, I am not being very supportive to you so far here, but I do think that we need to be supportive to our child rather than confrontational to get through this. Our children expect some sort of punishment for doing wrong, and withholding privileges by mutual agreement is one way of handling this. However, I counsel against banning mobile phones, use of chat rooms or meeting friends, because they do need social contact if they are to be able to get back into the school's social environment.

Our daughter was given a laptop (because it was required by her school), and she suggested it be withdrawn as a punishment. This we did, til the school tried to contact her by email!

Sophie, I feel this is more about me than you! Sorry! I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

All the best,

Simon

Thank you for your reply - it certainly helps knowing we are not the only family going through this. It is funny how you talk about witholding your daughter's laptop. The only thing my son seems to care about is his x box. Whilst he hasn't been at school, I don't let him play it during school hours. This has caused him to have huge tantrums. However, we have in the evenings as he speaks to his friends (although not school friends) and I believe he must not become isolated. His therapist said to me you punish for being in trouble, my son is troubled and you cannot punish him for that. However, as he went to school for a couple of hours on Friday, he has basically played it non-stop this weekend, seen his friends and promised he would go today but he just couldn't. Now we are at home, the remorse of not going to school has gone and he has told me if he doesn't get to play his x box tonight, he will not go to school tomorrow.
I wonder who is in control now!!! It is just hard, it really does take over your life....

Lets hope we have a better morning tomorrow.

Best,

sophie

Sohpie - just one thing to add to Simon's post, and almost a positive note -
your son is still very young at 11, in terms of school refusal issues getting muddled with adolescent issues. Also, although it may not seem like it to you, he is still a relatively long way away from GCSEs, formal exams which really pile on the pressure, both for anxious children and parents. What I am trying to say really is, take heart from the fact that you do have two - three years to make real headway in helping him overcome his difficulties and return to school. If you read Mina's post on another thread you'll see that she has had some kind of positive outcome.

Also, I'd say that it is often high acheivers who suffer from this.....we, as parents, perhaps forget what it takes for a child to consistently perform well, get top marks, captain the football team etc. For some it may simply be naturally , for others there night be a lot of residual anxiety around maintaining the position that's become expected of them, and fear of failure, particularily when it's never really been experienced, could be a real dread. Particularily if a child feels that parental approval, love etc is predicated on them being 'good' 'man of the match' etc. Children seem to be able to interpret praise in a myriad of ways and sometimes what feels like positive input from us can actually be experienced as pressure. (I speak from experience here, as a parent). Also, again from experience, children with anxiety issues, especially bright ones might often become very adept at masking these in school and do appear to be fine to their teachers. My daughter's teachers were aghast that there was anything wrong, and because their main measure of this was academic performance, found it difficult to see that my daughter was unwell, even when she was on the brink of a
breakdown! It's a massive learning curve for all, particularly the family,
and so I suppose my advice would be, take heart from the fact that time is on your side and understand that you may have to adapt your expectations temporarily. Have you thought about instigating a part-time timetable to reintroduce him to school. I do know of a therapist in South West and Central who has worked with younger children quite successfully to reintegrate them into school, and have spoken to her on the phone, but not worked with her, although she seemed very tuned in.

Best wishes

Caroline

Thank you caroline for your reply. My son would not go to school this morning but has told me he will go in for his 4th period. This means he is missing English as he is scared of his english teacher (along with his french teacher!! last week it was his Manderin teacher....). That means he does Geography and has a rugby match this afternoon so I guess you could say, he is instigating his own timetable. This is where it doesn't add up - he will go in but on his own terms. His school has been great so far, the teachers have all been primed but they cannot do anything if I can't get him through the door. I do think it is a fear of failure which is ironic as we really are the least pushy parents you could have! But as we know, it is all in his head... He is seeing a psychotherapist and has seen her about 10 times but it has not helped so far, infact he has become worse. He has agreed to go to see her again on Wednesday but refused last week,as he rightly says, it hasn't helped so far. Maybe we do need to see someone else. If you could give me his/her number maybe I could have a chat. We are in SW London. Thank you again for your reply,

Sophy

Hi

I am so relieved to have come across this site and to know that other parents and children are experiencing school refusal. My son is 11 and has moved up to big school in September. He is extremely bright and is on the gifted and talented register but I cannot get him into school. This started in his last few months at primary school and seems to have been linked to going away on a school trip after which he seemed to develop a major separation anxiety and started to refuse school , although we didn't at first realise what was going on as he claimed to have various illnesses.

We explored the possibilites of bullying or abuse but he says nothing happened on the school trip and he had stayed away from home before on several occasions. So secondary school inherited a problem from day one and this has got progressively worse over several months, and we are now at the point where he will not stay in school at all.

As the months have gone the separation anxiety has turned into panic attacks and claustrophobia and he really struggles to get across the threshold into school.

We are seeing a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist this week, but have been frustrated by lack of help given by our GP who initially dismissed it as a phase and by school who treated him as though he was naughty, when he was clearly very distressed by the situation. We have now been referred through CAHMS who have been good to deal with.

Anyway its good to know that others are in the same situation and we're not alone!

Claire,

I really feel for the situation that you and your son find yourselves in. You will both be wondering what is behind all this, and both wishing things could get back to normal.

It is good that you have managed to get a referral to CAHMS, and I hope that the Cognitive Behaviour Therapist also helps. But it does sound as though you have begun the process of moving from agency to agency in the search for someone who might have the answer to all of this. I have to say that our experience was not good in that respect, and was not helped when our daughter began to refuse to see specialists, because she could not see the point as they appeared unable to help.

What did work, however, was when we found someone who could make a difference - not focussing on getting her into school, but on building self-esteem. Looking back, this was an important step. This led to a point where she was able to make her own decisions, and began to feel more in control of the situation.

It may partly explain why we have problems again today as prelims are looming, and 'the system' is running her life, not her.

The other thread that runs through some of the situations described on the website is the need for young people to maintain contact with their friends. If your son is to go back to school (of course he is...), then going back to a friendly environment where he will get support from his chums is important. Our reaction was 'if you can't go to school, then you can't go out'. This only encouraged dependency on the home, and cut off contacts with the school.

Our local school were understanding and supportive - though lack of funding did reduce the options. We negotiated one morning at a time, and even one class at a time, with the teachers being briefed.

I hope these thoughts help. I tend to get caught up in my own situation when responding - and that does not always help!

Claire, do keep in touch.

Yours,

Simon

Hi claire, I hope the CBT helps. Cahms have been very helpful this to us.
Although my daughter is not in school regularly she is beginning to gain more confidence/self esteem. Normal 'talking' therapy was not working for her and she refused to attend saying it was not helping - which indeed it wasnt. If anything things got worse. This was a year ago and we have now been re referred. At the first appointment my daughter said that she didnt want to talk so they suggested art therapy as a way of expressing her feelings. Then the pychologist and her decide on one small thing for her to do that will take her slightly out of her comfort zone and records her feelings in a diary that she made in the art session.
While this is going on I sit with another psycologist where I can talk about how best to help/my worries/my frustrations etc.
She is 16 soon and I feel now that exams are not as important as her well being. If she doesnt get any qualifications this year then so be it, she can study at later date when she feels able to. I am sure many parents will throw their arms up in horror and call me a 'bad' parent. For me her well being is paramount. Once i removed this pressure from both her and myself she has managed to get into school 3 afternoons a week.

We are really struggling at the moment. My son has started CBT but has been asked by the therapist to keep a diary recording his thoughts , feelings and behaviour but is very reluctant to do this, which is causing more tension than ever. School seem to have given up on him, they say there is nothing more they can do, if he doesn't want to come into school they can't force him. We are waiting for a meeting between CAMHS and school to find away forward, but through one thing and another they don't seem to be able to agree on a date. In the meantime, we are getting increasingly frustrated by the situation. I keep taking him in every morning and he stayed for an hour on three occasions out of the last month, but things seem to be getting worse not better. Am getting very concerned about the lack of school work he is doing and the school are not very forthcoming sending work home for him.

Good morning, Claire.

I have a couple of thoughts re the diary.

First: Are you keeping one? My wife kept one for us, and it has proved my recollections wrong on a number of occasions! A failure was not to always record the positive events.

Second: Your son's diary. Boys do not like doing things like this. I know that it was also hard for our daughter, but boys are not good at this sort of thing. ChildLine ran a campaign called Boys Allowed (the name was changed, and I cannot recall the final name it went under)which championed that it was OK for boys to talk about their feelings. At that time only around 20% of those who called were boys. The percentage has increased recently. For our daughter, her way was to paint her feelings. Is your son an artist? A poet? A songwriter? Would he keep an anonymous blog (not MySpace!)? There are some school refusers already using MyBlogga.com, which is free. Maybe suggest he buys a poster for his room that reflects his feelings?

I hope these thoughts help. It does sound as though you have reached a very difficult stage, but if he is attending these CBT sessions, then that in itself is positive. Maybe he is just not ready for more than that yet?

Take care,

Simon

Hello.

I can't tell you how relieved i am to have found this web site. Having read through all the replies i am glad i am not alone. I have an eleven year old son, who during his primary school years enjoyed attending school. All this changed however when he started secondary school in september. He decided to go to a different school to most of his friends so really didn't know anyone, the first couple of weeks were fine but things started to progressively get worse from feeling ill etc to full blown tantrums when leaving. There were moments when he locked himself in the car or having to prise his hands off the steering wheel that were well and truely clamped on.

Adam suffers from dypraxia and we think that the whole transition to secrondary school where there was so much to write down etc totally freaked him out. I don't know about you all, but once he was through the doors he would stay to the end. But now there is so stress that we know trying to get him there is pointless. He hasn't really attended school for the last six weeks.

We have been lucky though. Our GP and school have been excellent, we are in regular contact with them and they are sending him work to do at home each week, and we have great support from our educational welfare officer. We also had a CAMHS referal and although we didn't reach the critiria for their psycological clinical help as he was not mentally ill, we have had a great deal of support from them. They have explained that if there is a reluctance of talking about how adam feels then no matter who he sees there will be no progress.

We have had many meetings at school involving everyone helping adam and how it lies now is that we have been refered to an educational unit which deals with children like adam ( not those with behavioural problems). It will be a short term thing where they work on building up their confidence to deal with their stress and anxiety. As our CAMHS worker explained school have tried to give Adam a run up for him to take a jump back into school. This run-up help was obviously still too short for him so the unit will extend his run-up further for him to take that jump. Once he has spent some time there the objective is to slowly reintigrate him back to school.

It has been a slow and emotional rollercoaster, but we feel we may be heading in the right direction. Our goal is to get adam back to school before this school year ends, he has missed so much school but as mentioned before his wellbeing at the moment is greater than his school grades.

Thanks for listening
Kirsty xx

Hi Kirsty,

It sounds as if you are getting positive support for Adam. I hope things continue to go well for you both.

My daughters Cahms worker is trying to help her with motivation which like talking, has to be embraced by the child in order to make progress.
My daughters wants to change her behaviour - but on her terms at the moment. It can be very frustrating.

One thing that really helps is knowing that there are other famillies going through this and as parents it is a relief that it is not because we have done something wrong.

Stay in touch , it is always lovely to hear someone making progress.
Penny

Hi everyone, Just wanted to give everyone some hope, i first posted here in Nov feeling desperate. Well, yesterday my son attended school for the whole day. And most importantly, he went in with a smile (quite unbeliveable I know) and came home with one too! I know we still have a long way to go but he tells me he is going to do all day tomorrow and thursday too. I just wanted to thank everyone for their support especially Mina who gave me hope and Caroline for putting me in touch with the most fantastic therapist and of course Simon, if it wasn't for this forum I don't know how my family would have coped....Thank you

That is good news! I can see your smile from here. Fingers crossed for the rest of the week - and then it's the Easter break (well, it is here).

Simon

Hi,
Just found this website and a number of emotions etc have clicked into place. Three months ago my son, aged 14, came down with a virus. He was left drained and lethargic for weeks. At first we didn't take him seriously, but his head of pastoral care explained that there are things such as CFS and was happy for him to remain at home. Work was sent home for him via e-mail etc which he mostly completed. The school suggested a reduced timetable to ease him back gently and he went in for about 2 days before refusing to go anymore. He did look unwell, with black rings under his eyes and slept a lot, however the doctors did various tests which all came back inconclusive. He has grown 4 inches in as many months and we therefore put the tiredness down to this.
He was due to go on a school trip abroad at Easter. The school were happy to let him go and reassured us that alternative arrangements could be made for him if he felt unwell whilst away.
He went on the trip and thoroughly enjoyed himself. It was good for him to be back with his friends and he seemed like his old self again.
The second week we went away as a family and he participated in everything that we did.

However, Monday morning came and time to return to school. He now refuses to go, even though I know that he is well enough to cope. I try to talk to him to understand his reluctance but he simply says he does not feel like it and stays in bed. He refuses to see any kind of doctor stating that they could not help previously so how can they help now.

I do not know where to go from here. He is at one of the best schools and has never struggled academically. His teachers are unaware of any problems or matters that could have triggered his feelings towards school, and my other children do not understand why he is not at school when they have to be!

Hi Anne,

Sorry to hear you’re having difficulties, sadly none of us know where ‘School Refusal’ comes from or why our children are affected and others are not. One conclusion we seem to have come to on this site, is that our children are very bright and want to learn, but for an unknown reason they are not comfortable doing it within a school environment.

As we’ve said before, just because others don't understand the fear -doesn’t mean it isn’t real to our youngsters. At least you seem to have a good Head of Pastoral Care on your side. Do you think they would let your son do a part-time timetable for a short while? It may help ease your son back into school.

Good luck Anne

Sue x