my daughter refused to go to school directly after christmas 2 years ago. whatever happened to her, either in real life or in her mind, was so bad she became so violent, just against mum, she turned from a quiet gentle girl into a monster that no one recognised. life was sheer hell - she was awake all night screaming and crying, kicking the walls - the days were worst as we had to face the authorities who flatly refused to believe there was anything wrong except mum not wanting her daughter to go to school when in fact my daughter had turned into the devil and i needed help. Doctor was very unsupportive but did refer to CAMHS who were nasty women whose idea of remedy was prosecution!

Just as I am beginning to believe that things are getting better as schools and the health service begin to understand, along comes a tale of real woe. I confess to having had to go for a walk before I could answer your message, Maureen. It sounds as though you and your daughter are having a rough time.

There cannot be a more difficult scenario than knowing you need help, and no one seems prepared to give it. As a family, we were well down the road of trying to get our daughter back to school before I started this website. I have to tell you there are some amazing parents here who have been through hell and back - and that is the important bit - they are back.

Maybe our children are not all attending school regularly, but some of us have reached a sort of plateau, or level of understanding, that helps us and our children. Speaking for myself, the support of others, using this forum, has made this journey possible.

If you have not already done so, please read through some of the other posts here to see if anyone else has found a source of support that might be appropriate to you and your family.

For now, I want to just share a couple of thoughts: Does your child have any friends that she can talk to? That seems important. The other thought is that she needs to feel free from pressure.. maybe visit a National Trust property together, one that is relevant to her course work, and pretend that it is educational! OK, maybe that is not such a good idea! Can't see my daughter doing that with me!

Keep in touch, Maureen, and let is know how things are going.

Yours,

Simon

Hi Maureen,

My heart goes out to you, I felt so sad for you when I read your story.
I'm sure you've tried to get help from all sources, some that we tried were:- speaking to the Head of Year and getting a part-time timetable, we didnt speak to the Senco at school but from things I've read on this site, that may have been the way to go, as they have links to outside agencies who may be able to help. You dont say how old your daughter is but as my daughter got older (she is 15 now) we found Connexions who help younger people in various ways, were quite helpful but I feel the greatest help in our time of need was a private counsellor, as my daughter needed to work through her feelings and with that and the reduced timetable, we managed to get her back in Year 8 but it took a very long time and very small steps. Sadly the problem returned again in Year 9 but we got through it eventually and you will too.

When I told my daughter your story and asked who helped us the most she said very quickly "No one mum, we helped ourselves" so that sums it up really.

All I really want to say to you is, to step back and take the pressure off your daughter and yourself, accept what is happening, do what you feel is right for both of you and take very small steps. You and your daughter need to be a team, she needs her mum on her side.

You will get there, as I mentioned in my previous emails, education is available at all ages and in many ways, it doesn't have to be right here, right now.
You will come out the other end, I promise.
Take care Maureen.

Sue x

Hi Maureen,
If I can just echo what Sue has said. You will get through it and things will get better. It does seem to get better the more I accept what is, and not what could have been. That doesn't mean that things miraculously change. We just get better at dealing with it, which in itself is a huge leap for some of us.
My daughters first experience of Cahms was awful but the second time around I made them aware that I was unhappy with their service previously, and they have been much more supportive this time. I do feel however, that I have benefitted more from these sessions than my daughter. I truly believe that our kids have to be ready in their own time to make changes and agree with Sue's daughter when she says 'we helped ourselves'. You will find coping strategies that 'get you through' the dark and into the light. My daughter is doing OK at the moment.She has attended school for 4 weeks now which is an incredible achievement. But I will not hold my breath. I know it can change at any given moment, but I feel more equiped to deal with it on a day to day basis. You will too. Stay strong x
Penny