Yet again today my daughter Marie has refused to go back to school. She is 14 and we've had problems since she started high school in September. She only has one main friend who she is very dependent on and insisted she was in the same class or she wouldn't go.

Before October she missed a few days with tummy ache/cystitis which I think were symptoms of anxiety. We took her to the doctors who said there wasn't anything physically wrong with her. Since then her attendance has been good but before Easter her friend was off ill for the last 3 days and Marie refused to go to school because her friend wasn't going. My wife went to the doctors and got my daughter referred to CAMHS. And we told the school that Marie had refused to go to school.

My daughter has refused to go today partially because she has fallen out with her friend. I have spoken to her friend this morning and asked her to speak to Marie but my daughter refused. Her friend and her mother are not sympathetic at all and think Marie is just being pathetic.

We've tried everything, bribery, punishment, shouting and nothing seems to work. My wife gets very upset in the mornings and can't cope with my daughters behaviour. I have had to stay off work today to look after her and I don't know what else to do.

Any advice out there?

Hi Daz,

I have quickly read your post as I am just going off to work so do not have the time to respond just now but wanted to let you know that your post has been read and you are not alone! i will post back as soon as I can.
Stay strong today,

Penny

Daz,

My wife and I had very different approaches to this problem, and as a result had our first ever arguments. Four years later, we still do, but at a much lower level of intensity, as we learn to live with the difficulties we all face.

This morning, the last day of the holidays, I am not sure who is the more nervous, me, or my daughter. This, in fact, will be her last term in school, as she is doing an extra year and is already 18 - with all the 'rights' that brings!

I think what I am saying is that there seem to be no quick fixes. As a family, we needed to adjust our lifestyles to cope with the situation we found ourselves in. And I recognise that everyone is not as fortunate as we are/were - the pension pot is now nearly empty!

Everything you have done is in the best interests of your child, and that is just what she needs - a loving supportive family. She also needs friends, and that is apparently a difficulty. I recognise that from our experience. We struggled with friends making up, then breaking up. They fall out over seemingly small matters. I recognise that she needs these friends to help her into school, and so that she has someone who understands her difficulties (because of course we parents do not!) and can be supportive during breaks at school, etc. However, parents saying 'Let's get the kids together' is the kiss of death! This, as most things with school refusers, seems to be an area were the child needs to feel empowered to take control of his/her own life, and not feel 'bullied' into courses of action he/she does not want to follow.

Parents need to work together as a team, but I do not think it is necessarily wrong for you and your wife to take different approaches - the tough guy/nice guy routine could well be the right method, leaving the child with alternative options to choose from. What is important is that you accept that you must be supportive if the alternative approach to yours is the one taken - even when it does not work.

Please also bear in mind that every single class she attends is an achievement; coming home at lunchtime is not a failure, just a setback.

Having said all that, I am no expert! Nor do I have a magic wand. I am just a chap struggling to get things right for my daughter, whilst not ignoring the needs of our other children (one of whom is stranded by the no fly restrictions).

Please keep in touch,

Simon

Hi Daz,

I feel for you and your daughter. It's a tough one but I've found the best way to deal with it, is to accept the way things are, your daughter simply cannot make it to school.

It seems to me that you've done your best and CAMHS are aware, which will help in the long run. All you can do is support your daughter the best way you can. I found it easier all round to ease off and eventually I stopped pushing and let my daughter know I was on her side.

The 'friends' side of things is a difficult one, my daughter lost most of her school friends, due to never being at school when arrangements were made but she has made some online, although she never actually goes out with any of them, they are just her link to the outside world. Can your daughter chat to her school friends online at all? It may help.
We also found 'Connexions' helpful with the social/friendship side of things, maybe you could see if there is one in your area?

I wish you luck Daz, dont worry though, you are not the only one in this situation, we've all been there and we are all here to help. This site has been a life saver to me and I hope it will be to you too.
Keep smiling!

Sue x

hi Daz,

Not much to add that hasn't already been said. Has your daughter had an appointment with CAHMS yet? We have had a good experience of cahms this time around, mostly however I have benefitted from their support more than my daughter - I'm willing to talk whereas she isn't! They may be able to help with her self esteem which seems to be a factor in all our childrens problems on here.

Keep posting it really helps to talk things through. There are no easy answers but I personally feel that I have coped much better since I have shared my worries on this site. This in turn has helped me to have a better understanding of my daughters school refusal and a better relationship with her. We have definately moved forward - at a very slow pace- but still forward!

Penny

I've made an appointment for Marie with a local therapist who specialises with children and uses CBT so hopefully she will go with me tomorrow.

I contacted CAMHS and they said they will probably visit us next week sometime.

So at least we've started the ball rolling.

Hi Daz

Reading your message brings it all back, my son has been a school refuser for 3 years now, I understand exacrly what your wife is going through, unfortunately I had to reach rock bottom before I could start to climb back up, but she will climb back up, It was only when I started to accept things as they now were and not what I hoped they were, that I started to feel better, like Sue thats when I had to accept what we've got now, things are far from perfect, my son didn't manage into school today to see his tutor, but tomorrow is another day.............I know its hard but your daughter is not doing this on purpose, she cant help it and probably cant explain it. This site has been amazing, we dont have the answers but its some where that we can come and get tremendous support from people who understand exactly what we are going through, I hope this helps.

Take care
Dorothy

Surprise, Surprise Katy refused to go to the therapist. She got ready alright albeit a bit slowly but just before setting off she "felt sick" and refused to go. I suppose it is a bit soon to try and take her to a therapist. At least the therapist was very understanding.

Hopefully CAMHS will be in touch soon.

I'm not happy with the lack of support of her best friend and mother who do not have any sympathy at all. I've thought of asking her friend to come over to speak to Marie but I don't think the friend will be nice to my daughter.

Hi Daz,

Sorry to hear your daughter didn't make it to the therapist but I'm not completely surprised, you will probably hear many more excuses over time. Just stick with it, you will get there.

To be honest, I've given up trying to get people to understand our situation and I have no expectations now. I found it was causing us so much stress trying to explain and wishing people would understand. If you can just try to accept things the way they are, it doesn't matter what others think ..... you will feel a lot better if you can do that. I'm sure others on here feel the same.

Its a shame about her best friend. Don't bother trying to talk to her about things, I didn't find it helped much, it just gave her friends ammunition to talk about her when she wasn't there.
It would be good if you could keep her friendship going though. Is there something they both enjoy doing? swimming, cinema? Maybe you could invite her friend along one day, as your daughter will need her when she eventually goes in to school. Just try to keep any friendships ticking over.

Take care Daz, we all understand what you are going through.

Sue x

Daz, I understand your frustration. People who have no experience of this just do not 'get it'. That includes family sometimes as well as school and friends.
I have stopped trying to justify my childs problems to other people and feel so much better for it.

I had to chase CAMHS up. A quick phone call did the trick and they gave me an appointment there and then. Its worth a try.

Keep posting and try to stay strong.

Penny x

I am getting annoyed by the lack of support from my daughters school. I rang on Monday and my wife has called today and left a message for the head of year to call and we haven't heard a peep. I spoke to the head of year before Easter who said we needed to refer Marie to CAMHS and she seems to have washed her hands of Marie. No wonder she doesn't want to go back to school.

Marie reckons she's going back to school tomorrow cos I promised her a new pet if she went. We will see...........

Hi Daz,

I know how you feel, we seem to constantly be battling and trying to get people to listen. School Refusal is a small problem for others but it can be life changing for us.
Have you tried to speak to the SENCO at Marie's school? Maybe she will be a little more understanding.

Good luck with tomorrow morning but don't beat yourself up if she doesn't manage to go.

Take care.

Sue x

She didn't go to school today - I can't say i'm surprised.

Got a home appointment with CAHMS but not until 13th May ! They don't want to see my daughter just her mum and me. I rang and told them we were desperate and could do with an earlier appointment.

What the hell are we going to do until 13th May ?

Hi Daz,

Try not to worry about having to wait for the CAHMS appointment and the amount of time your daughter is having off school. I agree with Penny, I think it is a medical reason and I was told by people in Education, that so long as my daughter had the diagnosis of School Refuser (being a medical problem) then they could help her. CAHMS will be the ones who diagnose, if thats the case with your daughter.

I also agree with Penny to keep note of everything you do and all the phone calls you make, letters you receive, keep times and dates. I used to carry a file around with me, so that I was prepared for any questions during meetings with any professionals.

Daz you are doing all you can, hug your daughter she can't help how she feels, stay strong and try to enjoy your weekend. You will get through this ..... I promise.

Sue x

Things have just gone from bad to worse.

My daughter's so-called best friend has phoned asking why Marie has not been phoning her, and then ended up calling my daughter a psycho and another girl was there listening on speakerphone !

Now my daughter is saying that she will NEVER go back to that school. And who can blame her after that form a so-called friend. I think this friend is a major part of the problem.

Is it worth telling school about the phone call ? Is this bullying ?

Oh dear! Once again, this seem familiar.

I do not think that there is much the school can do (unless the call was made during class time), but there is no harm in mentioning it the next time there is an opportunity. They can keep an eye open for similar activity in school.

It is not your daughter who is at fault here, and she may need to hear you say that. It is easy to say 'forget it', but we don't forget these things do we? When this happened to my daughter, the girl in question did call back a couple of days later to apologise, blaming her hormones. She was persuaded to do this by the third party in the conversation. They were never best buddies again, but managed to get along some of the time.

Take care,

Simon

Oh Daz,

That's such a horrid thing to happen to Marie. The other girl sounds awful and was obviously playing up to her friend who was listening on speaker phone. In my opnion its a form of bullying. I think Marie could do without so called friends like her.

What does Marie want to do about it? Does she want to try and patch things up or just let things go? I think you need to listen to her. Ive previously done what I thought was right at times like this but in hindsight it wasnt what my daughter wanted and actually made things worse for her.

You need to tell CAHMS all this when you see them and they may have some advice, Im sure they've heard it all before and have ways of dealing with it and the anxiety its causing Marie.

Don't forget to give Marie a hug, she must feel abandoned at the moment.

Good Luck Daz.

Sue x

Daz,
I agree with Sue. This is indirect bullying. The call was made with the intention of making Marie feel 'to blame' for not contacting her friend and the fact that it was on loudspeaker was a deliberate act.

I also agree that it needs to be dealt with in a way that Marie feels comfortable with. Cahms, I'm sure, will be able to offer some strategies for marie to move on from this. poor thing, she reallly doesnt need silly, nasty little girls like these on her case.

A similar thing happened to my daughter when she fell out with a friend, one whom she had confided in unfortunately, and a group of girls set upon her in the girls loo. Luckily my daughter gave as good as she got and now has a reputation at school as one 'not to mess with' but I know it has affected her as she now trusts no one.

Keep in touch. It seems awful now but she will come through this.

Penny x

Is it worth considering a fresh start in a new school?

Is that what Marie wants?

My daughter changed schools in year 9 to get away from a peer group. She got on with both the girls and boys in her year but she had started getting in trouble at school as they were a really disruptive bunch and she wanted to do better for herself and felt that the only way she could do this was to move schools for a fresh start. looking back now, her school refusing had already begun but we were all unaware of it. tummy ache here, day off here and there, headache there. I thought it was all symptoms of wanting a fresh start so thats what we did.
Her new school are fantastic in pastoral care. At first she went to school from the January to the July ... all lovely stuff, made loads of friends.... then the school refusal kicked in. luckily at this school she has had lots of support and as you know by reading my other posts in different threads she is retaking year 11 and is now in a year 10 class. you will also know that the school refusal is still a big part of her life right now, but I have never ever regretted changing schools and nor does she. But it was what SHE wanted and it has worked for us. So what I am trying to say is that the 'problem' ie school refusal probably wont go away. But we were totally honest about her issues with the new school when we went to look around so they knew what they were taking on.

Penny x

Daz

I feel so sorry for you all- we had a similar incident and it's awful, and i agree with mentioning it to CAMHS. With regards to changing schools ask Marie what she wants to do. We looked at a different school and i was all for it but my son said that he wanted to try and go back to his original school. Good luck with the meeting tomorrow and please let us know how you get on - we are all thinking of you.

regards

Sarah T