Hi everyone,

I thought we were almost there! My daughter is about to take her GCSE's and looking forward to college, when a letter drops through the door today inviting her to an interview for a college place.

She has already been through all this with another college but would prefer to attend this particular college, so she has to go for the interview. Unfortunately she will also have to do a drawing, a piece 500 words long and answer a questionaire as well as the verbal interview.

Oh dear, its those same old signs ..... sitting on her bed ..... scared ...snapping at me ..... making lots of excuses etc etc.
All the signs we know so well!
I know she can do this and so does she but will that 'little voice' persuade her not to go as its too scary?

Will she go or won't she? I've said my piece about it being fine, nothing to worry about and now I shall leave it and try to make things as calm as I can until next Wednesday.

Hope you all had a better day.

Sue x

Sue, I have everything crossed for your daughter that she will make the decision that is right for her. It must be so tempting to gently nudge her into a decision but I think you are right to say what you've said already and then say no more.

Penny x

Hi Sue

I'm so sorry - and i know you will guide her in the right direction - shes a lovely young lady and if she needs any help with interview techniques etc you have my number. Thank you so much for your support today during my meltdown - it was greatly appreciated.

Sarah T x

Sue

every time we take a step forward something comes along and knocks us two steps back, unfortunately as you know, you can only be there for your daughter, to support her, she will have to make this decision herself. I'll be thinking about you both.

Take care
Dorothy x

Sorry to hear baout your daughter. i have been through this and come out of the other site. Its their thought process that is not helping them and a good therapist can help them to look at their unhelpful thought processes and give them the tools that would help them for the rest of their lives.

Of course I know its not as easy as it sounds. Finding the right therapist can be a matter of luck and ofcourse the child needs to be willing to give this a try. The older they get the harder this can be.

We were lucky to find a good therapist after spending more than a year with NHS we found someone outside NHS who was so brilliant. My daughter was 13 at the time. She had therapy for about 8-9 months. She is 15 now. She uses all the strategies that the therapist taught her. She is now mamaging very well the stresses of course work, gcse and mock gcse. She is now very confident and happy. She is more aware of other people's sress and will not let anyone put undue stress on her.

The sooner the anxiety is treated the better.
I hope you and your daughter can find some solution to help her.

Mina

Hi Mina,

I just wanted to say thankyou to yourself and caroline (another member of the forum) you might remember back in November, you helped me look for the right therapist. And I found her (!) and J, my 12 year old after 5 months off is back full time. (We too had to go private in the end). Yes, we still have blips (couldn't get him out of bed mon morning) but he did go in on his own terms. The hardest thing is walking away and saying 'OK sweetheart you know your body, tell me what the problem is when your ready, and I'll take you in' when all you want to do is scream but he went in at break with no nagging (well just a few hints). We still have a way to go and in the summer holidays, my son and I are going to do a CBT course. Apparently it is very intense and hard work with lots of homework but my son understands that if he is to get rid of the negative thoughts - anxiety forever, this is what he has to do. He has come such a long way and says he never wants to go back there again. At the start, he absolutely was never going back to school and now he thinks his school is 'sick'!! Maggie, our therapist wants hubby to do the course as well but I really dont think that is going to happen!!
so thank you mina - it really helps to hear of positive outcomes when you think your world is collapsing...Good therapists are out there.....

I am with you 'Hubby'!!! Actually, if something like that had been available for me, I might well have taken it up. Any port in a storm. Might. Maybe.

Sophy, your point about continuing the therapy during the holidays is SO important, and something we got badly wrong. Everything seemed fine during the holidays, and it was easy for us, and those supporting us, to say 'We''ll wait til the term starts to see how things are going - and by then it was too late.

We all need plans in place to ensure next year gets off to a good start. For us that will be college - and they can be big scary places as we found out a couple years ago.

Hi Sophie, glad things are improving for your son. We were not asked to do any therapy, I am not sure why she wants you all to do it. You sound like you are very supportive and loving to your son and thats all that any parent can do.

One thing I would like to say about not wanting to get out of bed. My daughter has been through all this and on relfection I think she was exhausted from the anxiety both physically and mentally. As she started to relax and take more control of her anxiety and her life, she started to recognise her tiredness and and gradually started to look after her needs.

Also dont forget, your son is approaching adolescence and their circadium rhytm changes. They tend to need to sleep later and get up later. This getting out of bed took time to sort itself out. But still sometimes if she is coming down with an illness she just cant wake up and we have learnt recognise this now and leave her to rest.

We also took her out of a Grammar School, where teachers were very stressed and they put a lot of pressure on her. She is now at a very good state school and she is not oressured. She is getting A and A* but she is not stressing her self out to achieve this because no one is pressuring her.

Your son is very young Sophie and he will come out of this with the right support.

Best Wishes
Mina

Yes, tiredness is a huge factor. I am being told all time how exhausting anxiety is and I guess that is half the trouble. My problem is knowing when he is just pushing it or he really is not up to school. He did admit to me the other day that he went to see the nurse last week and missed english 'cos he couldn't be bothered' - at least he was honest....

The reason his therapist wants us all to do the CBT program is because we have had to change our language at home so there is no pressure herefore negative thoughts/behaviours. We are not to use the words 'have to', 'need to' 'should' 'ought' 'got to' - in anxious children this triggers anxiety. And it is really hard!! you have to replace this with 'will you' 'why don't you' , give them choices and discuss the consequences so they make the descisions and feel in control. This is not easy when you are stressed and feel like having a meltdown and the therapist obviously feels we need to do it!! (you will see I wrote have to in the previous sentence!).

Its a steep learning curve that's for sure....