My sixteen year old started to have school related anxiety attacks in early April and has not been back to school (except for a class here and there) since then. We immediately found him a therapist and got him on anti-anxiety meds and I've been in constant communication with all of his teachers so that he would be able to do work from home (which he barely does. His SR seems to include homework too...) Most of his teachers have been enormously helpful. But I think his school refusal comes from a deep lack of self esteem. He associates school with failure even though he isn't failing all of his classes and we are not the kind of parents who insist on straight A's. Or even B's. Every day he thinks he can face going to school the next day, even if only for a class or two, and most days he wakes up and it is insurmountable. Then he feels defeated.
I battle with myself though, because sometimes I think he could try a little harder to overcome this and I am just enabling him; sometimes I feel like he is manipulating me. Other times I feel like I need to take absolutely all pressure off of him for him to recover. But it seems a fine line.
Does anyone else experience this as well?

BTW, I'm glad to have found this forum. You folks are right - very few people know about this syndrome - even those who have kids who have experienced it to one extent or another.

Hi Helen,

Welcome!

My daughter is now in Year 11 and has been an S.R since Year 7. We've had our ups and downs as you will see when you read the threads on here. We've all found that it get easier when you accept things as they are. If our children had a physical illness, no one would expect them to go to school or they would at least be a little more sympathetic to their situation. Your son is a School Refuser, he can't help it, its probably confusing for him too, my daughter has no idea as to why she feels the way she does. Just support your son, let him know you are on his side, he needs to hear it.

My daughter also saw a counsellor for her self esteem, although if you met her you'd think she was fine, she's great with one to one but put her in a crowd and she suddenly clams up and feels people don't like her or leave her out of things. I found the counselling helped her, others on here may disagree.

I've been through all the emotions you have but found things much better when I took all pressure off and took very small steps, as and when my daughter was ready.

I found this site a few months ago and it has been a life saver, as I now realise my daughter is not the only one in the world with S.R. The friends I've made on here have given me a great deal of support, they are fab, as you will no doubt find out in time. (Thanks Simon)

Hang in there, your son is doing well, he has a good mum behind him.

Sue x

Helen

welcome to the forum, if you read through the threads you will see that we are all going through the same emotions, we have tried everything from being hard and threatning to being patient, I think most of us have found that the more we push the worse the children become, if we take the pressure off they do become less anxious, but I understand what you mean it is a fine line, I still have days when I get so frustrated and try to push my son, but we both end up upset, him thinking he has failed and let everyone down and me stuggling because I cannot protect him from this. Stay strong


Sue

Thanks yet again for your support, I'll let you know how tomorrow goes

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Helen,

II also go from not knowing how much to step back and how much to push. I agree with Sue and Dorothy, however, that giving them some space and accepting is half the battle. Just when I thought this week might be a good one - my son has come down with yet another cold. He seems almost glad and wants to prolong the symptoms (so refuses any cold remedies/medicines etc) as it gives him a good excuse to be home. He will have more time off than any other kid with a cold but I just can't afford to let him get too comfortable with it and will have to push him to school despite the drama it always causes in a few days time. Its like he needs that push - so I think we do sometimes need to push them out the door as he then goes ok for awhile - till next time. But on the other hand - my child is younger. A teenager is rather more difficult to push.
What I wonder then, however, is ....what do your kids do whilst they are at home?
My son also refuses to do work/homework or work I try to give him if he is away too long. I find that when I am at the end of my tether - as we so often are - I give in to TV and computer. How do others feel re what the kids do whilst home and whether we should be getting them to do more educational things or do they all refuse?
Linda

Welcome to our merry band, Helen. Though, truth be told, we are not often very merry!

My daughter has reached the 5th anniversary of school refusal this week. She is now 18 and has her last formal exam today, with some assessments still to follow (whatever they are). But her school work is now at an end. We made it! It was a long haul, and a tempestuous one. We experienced 'duvet days' (or mornings) to the end, but she is now feeling positive about the future and will be attending a college interview tomorrow.

Did I believe that was possible two or three years ago? No! But here we are, feeling quite merry this morning.

But, treading that line between applying pressure and holding back is one we never felt we got right. Usually one of us would do the pushing, and the other would be 'understanding'. The good cop, bad cop routine. As you say, there are times when we felt we were being manipulated, and the legacy is a relationship built on that.

Constant reminders about homework became more acceptable to our daughter later on - she learnt to deal with that (the reminders, not the work!). In the end, she found it easier to study in school rather than at home. I think because there her peers were also studying, whereas at home some have left school.

Someone asks about taking away computers...keeping in touch with friends is so important, and I would ask that you give serious thought to considering on-line communication an important part of her coping mechanisms.

Helen, we are with you on this journey.

Simon

Hi Linda

When all this started my son was happy to do school work at home, his guidance teacher was so helpfull and went round all his teachers to get work for him, which he did and we sent it back to get marked, but as time has gone on he is so much worse, lately he wants nothing to do with school at all, he can't even manage in for his one to one tuition, he is not allowed on his playstation during school hours and he never asks, sometimes he watches a little bit of TV, but we don't allow him to watch all day, he would gladly do anything around the house for me, as long as school isn't mentioned, its not ideal but not sure what is ................

Take care
Dorothy x

Thanks to all of you for your heartfelt responses. I can see that my family is probably in for a long haul. it is very interesting to see how others on in this forum are managing and coping and to see some of the strategies that are being used. Since I am located in Chicago, it is also interesting to see the differences in how one has to work the system(s) to get any results. Still, one thing that we all seem to be experiencing is that people who work in schools are aware of the pressure on kids but they do not understand school refusal (trust me on this, I work in a school) and while they may be sympathetic, they can't possibly imagine the scene at home.

But Simon, I am particularly encouraged that your daughter has now made it through to her last exam. That is all we are aiming for - my son only has two years left of high school, if he can only get through it.

I think what I/we need to figure out is what he wants so that we can spend the summer working toward that goal. He talks about school as if he still is an active participant and he does have friends there that he misses, one in particular who is truly like a soul-mate (which I think is a huge plus. When I read Daz's postings about what that horrible "friend" did to his daughter, it breaks my heart.) So if the goal is to get back into the same school, we will have to pursue a CBT specialist to add to our battalion. And then of course we will need a back up plan......

Which leads me to my next question. Do any of you have experience with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy regarding school refusal? I know it worked for me with my own flying anxiety. I'd love to hear any thoughts.

Again, thanks for your responses. As I mentioned before, I'm glad I found you.

Actually, I have to amend what I just posted about school personnel. I just had a long discussion with the woman in charge of attendance - the woman that I phone EVERY DAY to say that my son is not in school again. She told me all about her own anxiety issues and how she is sensitive to light and certain movement etc., etc., and how there was a young man at the school going through the same thing his senior year but he made it to the end. She even offered her office as a place where he my son can come and sit if he needs a break.

One finds allies in unexpected places.

Hi Helen,

There are a couple of replies to my post earlier on regarding my same question about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. We were due to start this week but unfortunately due to my son's illness have had to postpone till next week. CB therapy comes highly recommended from the Anxiety Association of Australia for anxiety. The CB therapist has told me that she does work with students with school refusal. I also heard on the radio awhile back some people giving their personal accounts of how CBT had worked for their anxiety and one actor here was trying to get it taught in Primary Schools. He did not say if he had school refusal but he said his anxiety issues went right back to childhood. One can therefore assume that with school refusual CBT is definitely worth trying. I am hoping it works....unfortunately for me this is my 6th year of SR and my son is only in Grade 5.....I have a long long way to go. I will be needing some therapy of some sort myself to remain strong!!
Give it a go.....we are.....anything is worth a try.
Good luck,
Linda

Hi Helen,

I have read your post and the responses with interest. I ask myself the same questions over and over again. Am I doing enough - am I doing too much. Is my daughter truly suffering from anxiety/depression or does it come on to suit. Yes she want to go to school - but is still on her laptop at 1a.m. so therefore next day too tired. Should I insist on taking the laptop away - should I let her take responsibility for herself? Should I just back off - but then am I allowing her to fail???? These (and many more) questions buzz through my mind all day every day. Whatever, the result is the same - some days she goes in, somedays she doesnt.
I don't know what the answers are and nor does anyone else, least of all my daughter. all I can do is accept 'what is' and know that is the best I can do for her right now.

Stay strong - glad you found us.

Simon - thankyou, thankyou for the glimmer of hope. I am so pleased for your daughter. She won the battle - she did it - she's got there.
How I cling on to the hope that this time next year I could be saying the same thing. As you know my daughter is Yr 11 and cannot be put in for any exams this year so she has asked to resit the year. I just hope she can make it to the end. I dont mind what the exam result are - that doesnt matter. What is so fantastic about your news is that your daughter is feeling positive about the future. Who can ask for more??
sorry... getting a bit emotional here.
Penny x

That is SO heartening!

You mentioned that your son talks about school as if he is still a full participant - that too is heartening, and show a real desire to belong. He WILL get through this.

Simon

Hi Helen,

My daughter had counselling which included CBT. We both felt it helped her, I certainly noticed a difference. It didn't make her return to school but it certainly helped her self esteem and confidence. She seemed more able to make decisions for herself, which I'm sure, in turn made her more determined to do well in her exams and move on with her life.

Your son will get there in his own way. You're doing a great job, stick with it.

Sue x

Hi Linda,

Sorry to hear you have already had 6 years of SR and you still have a way to go. You are obviously a strong woman, we all know how tough it is, well done you.

Here's a HUG just for you.

Sue x

Hi Sue,

Thanks so much for your support and hug! I certainly feel I need one of those. I sometimes wonder about my own sanity - and my strength comes and goes. I have told my son he has to go tomorrow. He has agreed but begged to only go half of Friday ( a pattern starting here unfortunately).
What I am curious about with everyone on this site's son's and daughter's - were there any signs when they were at Primary School (especially any anxiety of any sort)? I was told by the first counsellors that it was good that we 'caught it early' - but I am beginning to think that it makes no difference! He is already asking 'Do I have to go to secondary school?'
Good luck to everyone this week - and thanks again, Sue.
Linda

Hi Linda

Looking back there were signs, but at the time you don't really think anything of it, my son always got upset when I left him at nursery, but you put it down to being young and "clingy", when he went to primary school it always took him a few weeks to settle into class each year, again we put it down to being a sensitive boy, something that was highlighted throughout primary was that he always took his time with his work, was always last to finish, but never had to correct anything, he was the only pupil in school at the time to get 100% for his maths national test. I now think that if he thinks he will fail at something then he would rather not do it.

Thanks Sue for your support, and Simon I will be thinking about you and your daughter today.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Linda,

At the time I didn't notice any signs of this in my daughter at Primary School although people have mentioned there were days that she jsut didnt go and I do remember having the odd tummy ache etc

On reading Dorothy's reply to you I was amazed to find her son was the same as my daughter! She too was always last to finish her work. She has often mentioned to me,that because she wanted to do her work well, she would take her time over it and never go to play in the wendy house because she hadn't finished her work in time, she wanted to make sure it was perfect whereas the others in the class just left theirs and went to play.

So on reflection and chatting to others on here and their unexpected similarities, I guess there were signs but I just didn't realise what those signs were or what they had in store for us.

Sue x

My son was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I am baffled by this because his depression and anxiety is ONLY related to school, not to anything else. Still, I have noticed in other people's posts that there is often mention of tummy aches. My son would get an upset stomach for multiple days and I always thought it was stress; I didn't realize it was due to anxiety. There is a difference, I am coming to realize.

As far as showing signs in the past - My son has always hated school - but since I work in a school and see a lot of kids who "hate" school, I never put much stock in that. (The therapist is working with him on his deep hatred for school, trying to deconstruct it and reconstruct it into something he can live with.) He had a terrible first year of school - his teacher was a terrible match for him and sometimes I wonder if it all goes back to that. But he is a really social kid and his friends were enough to keep him going through the "misery" of school.

What is hardest for me is that every evening he feels pretty strong and pictures himself going the next day. Then in the morning he can't face it and gets depressed at his inability to make himself go. Right now he is lying on the couch and no amount of us telling him that he would feel better just getting out the door will convince him. SR is not a rational beast, that is for sure.

What are people's experiences with anti anxiety meds? Because so far for us, they don't seem to be having any effect at all.

Thanks for your responses. It's nice to not feel alone.

Hi Helen

I'm glad you have found the site it's wonderful and everyone is so helpful. I'm not sure if my actions have helped my son or not but i have done what i think is best at the time. Everyone kept telling me to just make him go to school in the beginning - oh how i tried believe you me and only another SR parent will understand.

Keep posting it really helps..
Sarah x

Hi Helen,

I have not had the experience with my son with anti anxiety medication but I do know that it can take anything from 6 weeks to up to 3 months before it works properly . So you might have a way to go?
I can identify with your frustration and the fact that there is no room for reason at the time that our children seem to be held in a brace by the fear that grips them.
I was a secondary school teacher and have to say I did not come across SR during my time of teaching. I wonder now if I missed it or whether in fact this is a new thing gripping our kids?
Keep doing what you think is best, Helen....we are all doing the best we can.
Linda

Helen
My son has been on medication for nearly 3 years and swears by them - won't leave the house without them. Although he is not at school they have helped him in other ways - at one point he wouldn't leave the house or even answer the phone. His medication is for panic attacks to slow his heart rate down when he gets anxious. His anxieties are down to a sick phobia - he can't go anywhere he has either been sick or felt sick, i have even had to move house due to his condition and he won't stay at his grandparents.

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah,
I can sort of understand your son because I had a bit of a"sick" phobia when I was a pre-teen. Actually at times it was quite severe. Glad I outgrew that one.....
I am trying to be patient with the whole medication process because it is such an inexact science with dosages, etc. I hate the whole idea in the first place but if it makes him feel better I'm grateful for it, I guess.
I was just thrilled yesterday when my son finally went to school for the last two classes of the week. A small step forward after what seemed like ten giant steps backward. We were having "duvet mornings" (as Simon calls them) every day and I was very close to just giving up. Although now we have a three day weekend which does not help. Losing momentum is bad in my son's case. Too much time to think.