Well i certainly feel better today than i have the past couple of days - anyway on Tuesday had "the call" from school asking when my son is going back HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLP !!Don't get me wrong the new guy in charge of attendance is very nice and does try and understand ( i think ) but just as i thought my son was settled at the unit and requesting more hours we could be back to square one. They would like him to go back after 1/2 term - i'd like him to go back after 1/2 term but i have to face the fact this might not happen - as always i will do my best. My fear yesterday was that if he does try and fails he may lose his place at the unit and then my only option would be to give up work and home ed - an option that i can't afford to do but would have no choice.( this would mean having to sell up and move - i'm a single mum ) School today have been very understanding and are willing to go slow and keep the unit as well - great news really and my son DID say he would try until he had his hair cut this afternoon - doesn't like it and says he can't go looking like that ( you can hardly tell he's had it done ) what am i going to do ??

thanks guys

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah,

The hair is just another excuse, we all know they love an excuse to latch on to. If it wasn't that it would be something else equally as daft.

I'm sure he feels he will try to go in but on that fateful morning, who knows!

Stay calm, dont talk about it and see what happens.

I'm glad the school are being helpful about things at least you dont have that battle to fight as well.

Take care.

Sue x

School are being great which almost makes it worse if he doesn't succeed - as i feel as though they have taken the wind out of my sails - maybe it is a psycological approach they are taking - i can't help but wonder that if we had this new guy from the start he would have sorted it 3 years ago !! Also if he doesn't go and he does lose his place at the unit can i be prosecuted ? Anyone else had the threat ?

Sarah xx

Sarah T

As you know with our children, anything they can grasp onto not to go to school and they will, his haircut is his excuse this time, but you also know tomorrow is another day and he might feel differently. So glad they've decided to keep unit going, but yet again, when will these people realise the added stress it puts on us with threats of withdrawing support......................

Take care
Dorothy x

Sarah T

Prosecution has been mentioned to us but only in passing, my husbands answer to that was "bring it on" anything that can raise awareness...........

Take care
Dorothy x

Thanks Dorothy, your reply means alot. I just wish my sons father would take some responsibility and not leave it all to me as he says i'm the parent who looks after him so it's nothing to do with him. He only sees the children about 2 or 3 times a year and thinks my son needs a kick up the bum and go !! i've tried that one as well !! He is going to see them this weekend which causes my SR son anxieties when he comes and goes and they don't know when they will see him again ( after last visit my gp had to give my son a sedative to calm him down ) He will see his Dad when he comes down but won't stay the night with him as he says he doesn't get the reassurances at night if he panics.
Anyway just another mountain to climb.

Hope everyone has a great 1/2 term
Sarah xx

Hi Sarah T

I really feel for you, this is a lot to cope with you on your own, I struggle even with the support of my husband, I'm sure you sometimes think it would be better if your kids didn't see their father at all.

Have a good weekend

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Sarah,

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. We don't need 'dad' pressure on top of everything else do we? Like you, I'm a single parent and although my daughter sees her dad occasionally (it can range from once every month to once every six months as she's got older) he has NEVER ever mentioned her school attendance or school refusal to her. He says he wants to keep things light and happy when he sees her ...??? ... enough said!

Anyway, I know it's easier said than done but just do what's right for you and your son ..... try not to worry about pleasing the dad and trying to fit in with hsi plans, he's a grown up, he will have to put up with it and deal with things in his own way. Don't let him undo all the good work you have done!

Take care and remember to keep smiling!

Enjoy your hols everyone.

Sue x

To be honest I don't tell him much now- i've begged for support in the past but as he tells me now he has a new life ( lives with his dogs !! ) Funny I thought he would understand as he had trouble at times going to work saying he couldn't cope and I had to call in sick for him - and on one occassion I had to go and give his notice in for him as he couldn't face it !! Less about him - my children are the important ones now. On a better note son No 2 went for his first trial day at the senior school yesterday and really enjoyed it and is looking forward to starting in Sept ( same school as SR son ) wonder what they thought when they saw his name !!
Anyway hope everyone has a good weekend, stay in touch

Sarah xx

Sarah,

Its funny you should say that the dad had problems with going to work etc. M.'s dad was a terrible social phobic when I met him, he never went out with friends but was the life and soul at work where he knew people well. He hated change or meeting new people and I often had to make excuses for him. He would always avoid any new situations. (I'm the total opposite).

My daughter had terrible colic as a baby and my GP said she knew she would have, as I was so stressed throughout my pregnancy, its all related apparently. Has my previous stress and her dad's anxieties affected her life? An interesting thought.

Maybe these are some of the early signs that Simon was asking for. Perhaps its to do with the parents after all! Perhaps its all in the genes?

Sue x

Sarah T. and Sue,
I think it's possibly both in the genes and in the parents' behavior. My husband also suffers from anxiety and depression and he is having a VERY difficult time with my son's SR. He sees himself in the mirror when he sees my son unable to cope. Up until now though, he's managed to at least act like he's optimistic about my son working it through but this last week he very openly said, "why even try? Hes not going to go." Not helpful. I also expected for him to be a little more understanding since he battles some of the same demons but I think its little too close to home. Maybe that is true for your ex as well, Sarah.
Who knows. There doesn't seem to be a handbook for any of this....we are all taking it day by day.

Trust your instincts, that's what I think.
Helen

Hi Sarah T, Sue, Helen and others,

My ex also had trouble going to school. So it does seem from our thread here that perhaps there are some genes - and some pick ups from behaviour - as you mention Helen. Its hard too as then we get stressed and I am sure that makes it worse.
Seems a few of us are doing this on our own - wow its hard...isn't it!! My ex is mostly helpful and my son sees him every 2 weeks but he does still seem to think its me who has to change (ie I am too close to my son) and he doesn't seem to be able to relate it to his own experience because I am not sure he knows why he couldn't go to school when he was a teenager. Perhaps it later becomes a blur. He did used to blame his mother though....said she was too soft. He still thinks that to some degree which I find completely unhelpful as I know we've all tried the kick up the bum way too! Kids do, however, seem to react differently to fathers - who themselves seem to be able to distance themselves more from the emotions. Mothers do have a lot of empathy - but try as we might - its hard to not have empathy! And to blame others is to not see that there is in fact a problem there in the first place.

I saw a program on Sunday evening by Dr Robert Winston about how childrens emotions develop - and when it came to anxieties it said it was all to do with their genes and not learnt behaviour as confidence is. Very interesting. As a child i had severe seperation anxieties but did go to school. My son doesn't really have speration problems although he doesn't like stayng away from home at night. My other son is totally different and has so much confidence and no signs of anxiety at all. I did grow out of it and developed much more confidence as i got older so I'm hoping my son will do the same. He has said that he is going to try and go back to school after the hols and has even tried his uniform on to make sure it fits - i'm keeping everything crossed on that one.
Well hope everyone is enjoying the relief of the hols, isn't it lovely to have a break from it all.

Regards to all

Sar xx