hi

Sorry this is a bad morning for me! My son has had a headache and stomach ache for two days and my ex forced him to school yesterday afternoon which I think made it worse and now when I feel I can't force him - the ex falls out with me as if I am making the whole thing worse. Am I? Can we really force our kids when they feel this sick or does it back fire? I feel he now needs to pull through this episode and re gain his strength so that he can go on Monday. This time its not the school so much as the school sports he has been fearing for days. What do you guys think? Have I done the wrong thing by deciding to keep him home? Forcing him is such a horrible stressful thing for everyone anyway. Feeling pretty hopeless at the moment - sorry.
Linda

Linda

Please don't be hard on your self, forcing your son into school will only make him so much worse, and will make you feel awful, you need to go with your gut instincts, your son also needs to know that your on his side, I think I've gained so much more trust from my son by taking a step back, but I still have days when I wonder if I am doing the right thing and wonder if he is taking advantage, but we know our children better than anyone. Sometimes we all need to just sit back and recharge our batteries, he is just doing the same.

Take care
Dorothy x

I totally agree with Dorothy - in my experience forcing has never had he desired effect, we like to think that if they go in we've cracked it, in reality we haven't. When i got my son back to school last year for 6 months ( no time off at all and only started to refuse again when he was placed in the wrong class after the summer hols - he went back the first day and i was amazed ) anyway we had been to so so many multiagency meetings and they had said this and that, then someone actually asked my son what he wanted, and he said to start off with lunchtimes, then add registration, then the first lesson and so on... and we decided it would take 3/4 months to get him back full time. Because it was at his pace and he felt in control he did it in about a month and loved it - pressure off !! I think this is going to be the only way we will achieve success this time but time isn't on our side as he starts hs GCSE's in Sept.

Simon everyone says PE is a problem - this i don't understand. My son is an excellent foorballer and was given a special award by a well known football manager - about 400 people there and he was mortified having to go up on stage infront of everyone, i thought he would have been made up !! Nooooooooooooooooo.

Think i've gone off course a little sorry, but hope it helps.

Dorothy - how's your son doing ?

Regards to all

Sar xx

Hi Sarah

We have had long weekend off school and has not managed into tuition yesterday, but he did go in to see support teacher this morning, its his birthday today and he has just gone out with his friend to play football.

At the last meeting they thought it might be best for him to sit int 1 exams instead of standard grade, to take the pressure off, but today the support teacher had spoken to his computing teacher who said that he has been doing well in computing and has almost completed his work, she has no doubts that he will acheive credit and has recommended that he sits his standard grade in this, he was delighted when he came home.

His computing teacher has been off sick for 3 months, but we got a text yesterday fom her saying she is back at school and can't wait to get started with him, she said she will get him through his exams no problem, what a difference to have someone who beleives in him.

How are things with you?

Take care
Dorothy x

Sarah, I understand your concern when you say time is not on your/his side because of GCSE's starting in Sept.

My daughter has not been entered into exams this year. She is yr 11 but a couple of months ago she asked to be put down a year and is currently with year 10's when she makes it into school and is going over work that she missed last year. She will be retaking the whole of yr 11 again as from September. And course modules that she has sat and has done course work for is being held over towards next years exams. so for example in yr 10 she sat a maths gcse module and got a B. At the start of yr 11 she sat another module and got a D. This equates to having an overall grade of C (C's fine by me by the way) This grade will stay with her and when she sit the other modules in yr 11 those grades will be added to give a final grade. However, if she does not sit anymore modules then she has not done enough module to be granted a GCSE. By resitting the year the pressure has been greatly reduced. I know its not ideal but it is the best we have right now. So what I am getting around to saying is if time runs out, and you have a good relationship with the school, time can be extended.
P.s Can anyone explain how to use the 'quote' thing because when I do it it quotes the whole message!

Penny x

Hi Dorothy
Are you not on half term up North ? We have had a sort of stress free week as we are off, but the anxieties are creeping in as school want him to try and go back next week - to be fair they haven't really put too much pressure on and he can go back part time but......He has tried his uniform on and his friends are being very supportive so that helps. He would really like to go to tuition full time but can't seem to get any answers out of anyone. He has seen his father this week ( he lives in Scotland - his parents are in the same town as me ) so he has spent quite alot of time at their house but he won't stay the night there, where as his brother has gone for the week. He gets really upset when his father goes back as he only sees him 2/3 times a year so that won't help !! lets see what next week brings - it's his birthday too !!
Well done to your son i bet he's pleased - and he can always catch up in a year or so if he needs to, but sounds as though he can do it - good for him i'm so pleased for you both.

Hi Penny

That is certainly something to consider, thank you for that. You know i just wish every ed authority was consistant we might all know where we stand !! I doesn't bother me if t takes him another 5 years to get his GCSE's as long as he gains more confidence and feels better about himself. Ths time 3 years ago i went to a meeting at school to see what stream he would be in, and was worried incase he didn't get into an A stream - now i don't care what he's in as long as he's happy -

I'm having a girls night out tonight - can't remember the last time i did that so really looking forward to it - i find it difficult to go out much as my son can't settle if i do ( his father will stay with him til i get back )


Hope you have a good weekend.

Happy Birthday to your son Dorothy

Lots of love

Sar xx

Hi Linda,

Sorry you've had a tough time, made worse by battles with the ex as well.

Our problems started with P.E. and like your son, that was the lesson she disliked the most and the days she found most difficult. We arranged with the Head of Year for her to not go in on PE mornings, which helped for a while until another lesson became a problem, from what I can remember it was Science, but I think avoiding them was just papering over the cracks. It wasnt the lessons she didnt like, it was having to learn in a school environment.

Please don't force your son to go to school. We've all found that it just doesnt work and makes them worse. We also found that if you take a step back, accept that he is a School Refuser, then you will get on better with your son as he will be less anxious and possibly you will get more from him. He needs to know you are on his side.

I've said it before and will continue to say it ..... Education doesnt have to be right here, right now. Our young ones will get there eventually but they may take a different route to others.

You are a good mum and you are doing a great job!
Take care and remember to keep smiling!

Sue x

Hi all,

Thank you so much Sue, Dorothy, Sarah and Simon for your supportive comments and relating your stories.
The week got worse but its a new week now - so feeling positive! He went in today. Despite hating school - my son actually likes sport and PE when at school but the thing he hates is inter-school sports every Friday where they go by bus to compete against another school. His Dad doesn't believe letting him off this will ease the problem for the rest of the week. My ex also kept ringing every morning at 8am to check if he was going to school and if he wasn't - he'd suddenly turn up on the doorstep to drag him there. I cannot begin to describe how stressful this was! I think his father is desperate to make something work but needs to listen to my opinion as I pick up on the subtle differences. Its that same old story 'she is being too soft' that keeps rearing its head. I don't know about others but I find that there are days when in fact I can push and encourage him despite his anxiety and other days when I pick up vibes of something beyond this and believe that if I were to push him to that degree - his mental and physical health would suffer (and I become so stressed that we are both of no help to each other). Thank you for mentioning the fact that it is important that my son knows he has someone who understands him and is working on his side - it's that trust (even if we never know when they do test us on that one). My son has now said he wants to prove he can go to school but there is no way he is doing the sports. I am sticking to this and have told his father not to call - I will call if help is needed. I do hope this works as we have to find a way out of what has been the worst term in the five years :(
From my point of view - on the one hand I want support from others but I do not need anyone telling me 'you know you have to get him there - no matter what?' I do my best and thank all of you who have just reminded me of that. We all need reminding sometimes !!
best wishes to all this week
Linda

Well done to you both!

Just wondering...but, Linda, do you think the 'good cop, bad cop' routine might be having an effect here? We often found ourselves in that situation, but was never sure if it was the right thing to do.

As long as your son is keeping fit and healthy (and does not want to become a PE teacher) I would not worry about sports too much. There are more important things to be concerned about, and he seems to be progressing there. However, I guess he must be quite good if he is being selected for a team?

Hope the rest of the week goes well.

Simon

Linda

Well done, you know your son better than anyone, so don't let anyone tell you different.

My son has after school tuition today, I can feel the stress from him already, I can't even get him out of bed, its going to be a long day............

Take care
Dorothy x

Well done Linda, and Dorothy don't worry tomorrow is another day. Well I'm in a bit of a pickle, before the hols my son was quite up for going back to school this week for a few hours ( school are being very good ) but I tried to talk to him about what he wanted to do etc and well, I think my head is still on my shoulders just !! He won't give me an answer as to what he feels he can do - if he can't do it fine we'll look at keeping him at the unit but he won't say either way. I've not put any pressure on him but I do need to know as it's me that has to talk to school. Do I just go down the route of him staying at the unit and forget school or do I keep trying to get him back ? I just feel that whatever I do won't be right.
Someone tried to give me some advise about SR and that was " why don't I sit and talk to my son about what worries him at school, then I can get it sorted and then he will be back full time no problems !! why didn't i think of that !!!! what do people think I;be been doing for the past 3 years - honestly they have no idea.
Apologies for the rant guys, feel better now.

Regars to all

Sar x

I think the good cop, bad cop type situation is something that probably occurs to some degree in all families. My ex has as a result, however, has became very angry with me and blames me - probably because he only ever sees half the picture. He says I have to get my son to school every single day. I wonder if he is to some degree in denial about the reality?
My son now wants to move to the UK! He has become quite obsessed and says we can start a fresh - and he will go to school and he is sure he will fit in because he loves soccer and most things from the UK (he visited a few years ago). Whilst I have pointed out the difficulty - I am not sure whether to just tell him outright that its a no go option or say little and let him have the dream which will help him get through school at the moment! I explained to him that running away wasn't going to shift the issues faced here. But he is convinced that his problems lie here. Its quite sad and I am not sure how we move past this one. Yes he has gone to school - and yes I will take a stand against the sports - but the poor kid is sick of how he feels and its making me feel very uneasy still.
My sympathy is with you Dorothy and Sarah. The only suggestion I would have is that in fact going to school is important socially - unless your son has a social network elsewhere? So much of what I hear is also about having CB therapy and then also continuing to face your fears.
There is an on-line Cognitive Behaviour therapy program conducted from Australia for anyone over 18 (not much use for our kids at this stage but worth knowing about). http://www.anxietyonline.org.au/
You can also watch a program about anxiety from SBS Australian television (scroll down on the site and click on 'Anxiety' episode).
http://news.sbs.com.au/insight/
All the best
Linda

Excellent anything that helps. My son informed me that he doesn't think that he can go back to school this week - he wants to wait until Sept and start a fresh with year 10 which is on another site. He is working very hard on his studies at the moment and with the unit I can't say i really blame him. Am I in the wrong to encourage this or do I keep battling on with school ? I haven't given up on him far from it but feel that I am taking one step forward and 3 back and its very waring !! What do you recommend guys ?

Im sorry that ive been a bit negative recently but the painted smile can only last so long !!

Regards to all

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah

Feeling a bit down myself just now, don't know if I should be giving advice, but, I think if your son is doing well where he is then why put added pressure on both of you, as you know he could struggle to get in this term, then the holidays come up, who knows what next term will bring.

Go with how you feel, you know you are doing the right thing.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Sarah,

You sound so sad! Don't worry too much about making your son go back now, we are almost at the end of this school year anyway. At least he is working hard on his studies.
All you can do is work towards going back in Year 10 on the other site, keep things positive and hopefully he will make it. I'm sure he wants to go but as we know its not always that easy for them is it? My daughter always said she wanted to start anew with everyone else at the begining of term, so maybe he'll be ok, I do hope so.

Hey Sarah, we are all here for you, its so hard for us as parents to be seen to be doing the right thing and keep things running smoothly all the time, when all we really want to do is run away from it.

Take care, you'll get there.

Sue x

Hi Dorothy,

Here's a HUG just for you!

I truly know how you feel.

Things will get better, I promise.

Take care.

Sue x

Hi Thanks for your support it is so appreciated. School called me last night and have suggested my son going in tomorrow to have a look round the new site, just for an hour and before school. He has agreed to this ( at the mo ) but going to a lesson Friday has really set him off. We went to CAMHS last night, and for the first time in the last 18 months he didn't really co=operate, he just sat there, not talking and holding the tears in - this broke my heart.
Well lets see what tomorrow brings - i really think it would be a positive step forward if he could be well, who knows............

Dorothy what are we like .............just parents doing our best, but keep your chin up.

Love Sar xx

Hi all,

Sarah - sorry that the meeting did not go well - and that your son was obviously upset by the thought of changes. Sounds like waiting till September might be the best. But you are there to judge your gut feeling. Sometimes a new start does help...I think our children hate 'messy' type re-entrances. My son hates going back if he has missed the first few days of the week but is 'better' if starting again on the Monday.
My son has been going to school so far this week so all should be well but he has become very depressed and was in tears most of tonight because I crushed his dream of running away from it all and going to the UK:( He says it was the only way he is ever going to find happiness and that other kids would understand his interests. So sad. But I couldn't live the dream as it wasn't a dream - he really meant it and spoke about it every second. He has told some of the kids at school that we are going! He is very angry with me and says as far as he is concerned we are still going so he can start high school there. It is the drastic ' fresh start' scenario and has me quite concerned. Wishing you all the best for the rest of the week - we can only try and keep our chins up.
Take care - and take just a bit of time out for yourselves Sarah and Dorothy:)
We have to try and detach ourselves otherwise it is just all consuming and overwhelming - as you know.
Linda

Linda

Sorry your having such a hard time at the moment, try and stay strong

Take care
Dorothy x