My Daughter has been a school refuser for 5 years now.
It began in Primary school but when we moved house and she had to go to the local village bilingual school in West Wales things started to go down hill.Th standard of education in this very small school was so bad that I felt I had no option but to home educate her. This worked very well but when I tried to get her back into the system for Secondary school things just went down hill and fast . She was bullied very badly both at school and on the bus , she quickly started to become very ill. In an attempt to get her into a school she wanted to go to We moved back to our old area so she could go to school with her old friends as she said she would only feel safe with her best friend . So we moved back and school assured us that she would be in a class with her friend. On the day she started off she went, nervous but prepared and looking forward to being with her friend. Unfortunatly the school did not fulfill their promise and she was in a class with compleat strangers. After this she just flatly refused to go and became very ill. We tried everything, the deputy head and I worked for months to get her in, nothing worked and in the end social services got involved. I was accussed of being an abusive parent and she was placed on the child protection register because the more pressure that was put on her the worse her behaviour got. She was like a wild animal cornered and threatend. Eventually we were given a new case worker who was prepared to listen and who more importently sat down with my daughter and not threaten her with things like having her Mum go to prison or being taken away. She took a lot of time with my daughter and us all as a family. She got her taken off the child protection list and organised for her to be taught at home through the home tuition service. She now has a fantastic tutor and has started to take gcse's having done some early last year and got A's for .
Now we are faced with what does she do for A levels so she is applying for private schools 6th form scholarships as she is a very bright girl but I worry that although she wants to do this and she has a great social life,(albeit a small group of friends ) that when she gets there she will find the pressure difficult to deal with as she is used to being able to study at her own pace. We will see.
It is a nightmare having a child that is a genuine school phobic. All I can advise is home tuition of some sort. Not all kids are suited to the school enviroment. It is like putting square pegs in round holes. We are all individuals. It would just be so much easier if this was recognised by both th school system and other proffessionals who deal with children.
There is no support out there for children who suffer from this problem, let alone support and advice for parents and families. My daughter refused to go to school because it became a fearfull place a place of torture for her. The system then told her she was a bad girl and that her parents were bad as well. All this because she was frightend. Who was in the wrong! Sh now has no trust in so called professionals. They even tried to make her out to be in need of serious phyciatric care. All this bcause no one really listened including me.

Penny, what a heart rending story! You, and your daughter, have really had a rough time.

At this moment, I just want to pick up on one aspect (we have the kitchen designers in, so only have a moment right now).

Your daughter is in a different place now to where she was even last year. And so are her friends. At this point, they are more able to cope with changing circumstances,and are all looking forward to new beginnings when school ends. As part of this process, your daughter may well be able to cope with starting somewhere that she does not have a history, even if she also has no friends on arrival. And her friends will be supportive of her trying school again. This is also a stepping stone for her getting into higher education, itself a scary thing at the best of times.

My daughter went to a private school after she had been written off the state school books (16 in Scotland) and although we all struggled with it, it did work for her. Fortunately, the school were very understanding and supportive. Not all we visited were prepared to help her. It could work well for you.

Yours,

Simon

Hi Simon
So nice to talk to someone who has been there.
I think you are right. As she has always wanted to go to this school, and she is growing up and you are right all her friends are very supportive, she has grown up so much this last year, much more independant, she may well cope. Maybe I am over fretting about it.
She is having a bad day again today, sickness and bad tummy again. Although she is very happy with her tutor she is currently being pressured again by the head of the tutor service to go into their unit for her 2hrs per day!
They are having an inspection and they want to justify renting a large unit when hardly any pupils use it. Most pupils on the service are either very ill, cancer etc or have been excluded.
This is all she needs I just want her to have a quiet year and concentrate on her exams. Again the threats I can see me having to fight for her education all over again. Just what we need. Why cant they just understand that she doesnt fit in, and she is doing so much better, and has a good chance being taught at home.
Sorry if I rant on its just it has been such a long haul. Thanks for listening though.

No sooner had the kitchen designer left the house, without an order, than another company called! I think they are just the same people trying to get in by another route. Do I need this additional stress?

Anyway...

Our daughter attended one of these units (I cannot remember what it was called) and I think one of the main difficulties she faced was the nature of the other children using it, although we had additional difficulties of travel as it was an hour away by bus. Like your daughter, she is intelligent and wanted to learn, but the circumstances made it nigh impossible to attend places of learning. However, the unit did enable her to take some exams, which put her in a good position when she came to take her Highers and an A Level - which she did well in.

Penny, we have all ranted here from time to time. No one shouts back at us, so it is a good place to have a blow! As for 'over fretting', we all probably do that. But we do care for our children. As one child is reported here as saying: 'What happens to the children whose parents do not care?'

Yours, Simon

PS It is almost dark at 7:30 and it is blowing a gale. I am glad I am not going out tonight.

Penny

Welcome to the site, so sorry to hear your story, what a living nightmare, if you've read the story's on this site you will see that we have all had similar problems with school refuser/phobic but not to the extent that you have had, although we have all had problems with school and the education department, you seem to have been draged to hell and back, I hope you find the support you are looking for on this site, it has been a godsend for all of us.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hello Penny - from the other Penny on here!

You must be very proud of your daughter. She has done so well and come so far. Good luck with the next step.

I haven't posted for a while as there have been other things going on and I have had a couple of months of feeling that I am not totally consumed by my daughters SR.

She has now stopped seeing a counsellor - at her request - as she felt this was not helping her. The counsellor did not have a good relationship with her and phoned me to say that she wasnt suffering from SR she was just being a manipulative teenager. However, I chose to ignore this remark and am instead, continuing to support her in her efforts to get into school when she is able.
We are waiting for assessment of ME/CFS as her fatigue did not improve at all during the 6 week holiday and I feel she has been suffering from this for some time - along with depression. I am sure this all stemmed from being school phobic.

Keep us 'posted' Penny on how things go with your daughter.

Penny x

Hi Penny

I was so sad for you when I read your post, you really have had a rough time. You will find such support on this site it really does help. I am on a rollescoaster at the moment, I am either very up for very down but nothing in between. My son has been refusing for nearly 3 years now - we did manage to get him back for 6 months but then it returned. I was also annoyed to read that the other Penny had been told her daughter wasn't a SR - how dare anyone say that - they have no idea what we go through. None of us ever wanted this for our children, but ou children are fortunate in the fact that they have parents who care and support them.

Keep posting and hope you are OK.

Sar xx