I'm not even sure if school refusal is actually something a child can have? Yesterday was the first time I even saw this term, however, my son (10 years old) seems to have the classic symptoms.

Since school started in September after our summer vacation, he has pretty much said he doesn't want to go to school, however he did go. For the past couple of weeks though it has become a real battle. Although I know it was probably the wrong thing to do, I let him stay home one day last week and agreed to let him stay home once a month.

Well, it is less than a week later and he is home today. He won't get dressed. First said he will just miss the bus and I can drive him. Now he just refuses to go and will not get dressed. Sunday night was awful with yelling, crying, slamming his bedroom door saying he doesn't want to go to school. Somehow I got him to go yesterday, but it was a battle. Yet he came home from school happy as can be. As the evening wore on and it got closer and closer to bedtime, he starts not "feeling well". He doesn't feel well most mornings, complaining of stomach ache and "growing pains" (body aches). He hasn't been eating breakfast before school either.

His teacher alerted me a couple of weeks ago that he is having trouble socializing with the other kids. He tells me the kids are not picking on, but I'm not sure if that is true. His best friends are in a different class this year, so his teacher arranged to have the kids play together during recess. But yesterday, the teacher kept my son in the classroom for recess because he forgot his homework, so while the rest of the class went outdoors, he had to stay in.

He is seeing his pediatrician today and I obviously have to get my son in to see a mental health professional, so I hope his ped points me in the right direction.

I am in the US. From the little research I've done, it seems school refusal is much less understood here, or at least doesn't have as much exposure as it does in the UK.

Right now I am at a loss. I can't believe he is not at school and I am worried about calling him in sick again. I am worried that he will now refuse to go to school tomorrow as well.

Any advice appreciated,

Jan

Jan, you are very welcome in our little group of parents who are struggling to overcome their children's inability to attend school.

Whether you are at the start of a serious problem (my daughter missed 4 years of school), or if this is a little blip, I cannot say.

It might be worth your while looking at the thread, Early signs

I would suggest that it is never too early to ask for help. The school should be able to offer assistance (unless it is a very small one). His paediatrician should also be able to suggest someone appropriate to talk to.

Start to keep a record of his actions, and always keep a note of meetings you and he attend. If professionals promise to do something, make sure you follow that up. Likewise, if you, or your son, agree to do something, make sure that you do, and try to get your son to do so as well. Try to get him to keep a diary too (he can do this pictorially, if that helps, but I still shudder when I think of some of the drawings my daughter did in her darkest moments).

You son needs his social life - his friends will help him get back to school, but cannot do that if they are cut off from him. But ensure that his time at home during school is not fun time. Try to keep in touch with the school so that he has homework - doing homework is 'normal', and most school refusers seem to want to be 'normal' like their friends.

Jan, I am no 'expert', just a parent who has experienced several years of struggle with my child's education and the social aspects that accompany refusal to attend school. However, we have several very supportive parents who have been sharing similar experiences, but have followed slightly different paths, so between us, I hope that we can support you.

Keep in touch,

Simon

Hi Jan,

Welcome! You are not alone now.

I was wondering if you had asked the school if your son could change classes, so he can be in his friends' class? It would be good to help ease his worries at this early stage and surely to be in with his friends would help.

My daughter was similar to Simon's and didn't go to school for almost 5 years but has settled very well into college, so there is hope.

Good luck and keep checking out this site, it saved my life many times!

Take care.

Sue x

It sounds like classic school phobia which is difficult to deal with because it is irrational.

You need to try and get school involved as soon as possible as the longer he's off school for the harder it will be to get him back.

The problem I had was that our school just told us to go to the doctor which wasn't the best thing to do at the time.

The hardest thing is for parents to accept that their child has this problem.

Welcome Jan. We all support each other on here and as Simon has said - we all have had different ways of dealing with it so hopefully you can find some guidance but at least this is a place you can share your frustration.
My son is 11 (I am in Australia) and has had school refusal since he was 5 - and can relate to the tantrums - not eating etc. I hope what I share can be of some help. What I would suggest is:
1. Accept that most other people do not understand - only you know what it is like.
2. Do get some kind of diagnosis. This diagnosis may not help your son directly but will help you to try and make others take him/you seriously.
3. Keep in touch with someone at the school who then shows some understanding or will work with you (Depending on the system in the US)
4. Eliminate any possible bullying - get your son back in with his mates.
5. Ride with the waves. Show your son you are there for him and you will work this out 'together' - he is not alone.
6. If this continues -I believe Cognitive Behaviour Therapy works well.
This works on changing your negative thoughts and finding strategies to cope.

The following site (US) has explanation of School Refusal.
http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/understanding_school_refusal

My son's Cognitive Behaviour Therapist has said is 'do not force your son to school' when he is in complete meltdown mode as it is too stressful for everyone (others on this Forum have backed this up too and reassured me that this is not the way to go). But do ensure that he keeps going when/if he does get back and avoid letting him just stay home on a particular given day to see if it helps.

We have only just started this CB therapy (3 session so far). Before this he missed 47 days of school this year alone but he has not been depressed....his depression really worried me but was mostly a result of me trying to force him to school. I do try - but when he starts to go into meltdown - I back off. I have also been in email contact with the teacher this year - makes it easier to just let her know he's not coming in. I can understand how you feel- having to inform the school yet again.

My son has been going school for the past three weeks and starting eating breakfast and lunch again To be told by the CB therapist he was normal - his brain was just over reacting to stressful situations - was a great relief to him. We were told that this might have been in his genes or something that triggered it but most likely still something that would have turned up one day.
With the help of CD we have found distraction and other helpful thought strategies helpful when the anxiety starts to come on. When my son now feels anxious - he/I suggests we kick the soccer ball out the back as he has found that exercise is not only a good distraction technique but it also helps him calm down. At the CB session (She got him to make the suggestions) he also suggested he could try playing with the dog, brushing the dog, playing his DS and other things. This means plenty of time needed in a morning but in fact we have only had to try this once since then. The other good thing is that we do the CB sessions together. All other counsellors saw him on his own so I never knew quite what went on so couldn't help (request this perhaps).
Good luck and keep in touch with the forum, especially when you feel overwhelmed.
Linda

So sorry for such a long email!! I got carried away as it was all so familiar.
Linda

Hi Jan

Until 3 years ago I would have laughed if someone told me their child had school phobia, but not now. It is very real and is devastating for both the child and the family so your son needs your support. I know what you mean about Sunday evenings, we really did have a bad time. I agree with everyones replies and get the school involved and tell them what is happening as they may be able to support you. After 3 years I still dont know what changed my son from a "happy clown " to a child who is terrified of school and dont think I ever will. On a lighter note, my son has been to school 8 out of the last 9 days ( mornings only ) and even made it into a class rather than working alone today, I am so proud of him. Since he has been at the new site we have met an understanding teacher who has given my son respect and help - and that worked wonders. ( one thing i dont understand is that as soon as he comes home from school he has to shower and change as he says he feels dirty in his uniform ) Anyway hang in there and remember we are here to support you.

Sarah x

Penny if you reading this how are you and your family ? x

Hi Jan,
Welcome to our group. I don't have anything more to add that hasn't already been said. Hope the ped visit goes well.

Sarah T,
huge step forward today, my daughter went into school today until lunchtime. I know that was really difficult for her after what has happened so am really proud of her. she was in bed by 5pm though, totally exhausted.
We have a long way to go with regard to her health and well being but today was a triumph for her.
Penny x

Penny

Well done, i am proud of her too.

Have a good half term

Sarah x