Had trouble last week getting my son to school - not enough CB strategies to work on yet? Or who knows!?. I so often feel drained of energy - just the 'will he or won't he' go I think exhausts my brain and that takes its physical toll! Does anyone else feel really worn down with this?
Linda

Hi Linda

I know exactly where you are coming from - it is so draining.

Just remember your son needs your support.
Sarah x

I agree ..... it's the most awful feeling in the world!

The stress is with you all the time and you can think of nothing else.

There were many times that I felt like running away or wishing my daughter were 'normal' but I knew I had to continue to support her whatever happened and so then I would feel guilty for thinking such things.

All I can say is to take each day at a time, don't worry what others think, all that's important is you and your son. Education is always available throughout our lives, it doesn't have to be right here right now.

I promise it will get better. my daughter didnt go to school for almost 5 years but she is now at college and very very happy. If it happened for us, it can happen for you.

Take care Linda.

Sue x

I've only just started looking at this website. My son is 15 and in his GCSE year. Problems started in September with him saying he felt ill - headaches, stomach aches - and couldn't go to school. Since October half term he's hardly been in - and not at all for last two weeks. We've had the Education Welfare Officer round to the house but my son went out to avoid him. Yesterday I took him to the EWO's office and they talked. He told him he would go back to school today but this morning he refused to go in again. You are so right - it is all emotionally draining. I have now been signed off work with stress until the New Year.

Welcome to the site, Anne. I am sorry to hear that you are off work till the New Year with stress but I so fully understand. I was so stressed out this week I just didn't know which way to turn and like someone else said - they felt like running away. I also get angry easily. I should know better - I have been going through this now for years on end! My son promises to go in next week. It is the last week for the year - so in 'normal' circumstances I wouldn't care if he stayed home - but I just need him to go as I feel he needs to finish the year knowing he can go.
I do hope you can find the support for your son - it must be even harder when they are 15 and have even stronger minds than my 11 year old (who sometimes seems like a teenager already). Stay in touch with the forum - we are all here to support each other during this journey of ups and downs.
Linda

Anne

welcome to the site, u can read through the threads and learn about all of us, you will find similarities in all our stories, you have a long hard road in front of you, but we are all going through it as well, you will find great support from every one here, we talk together, complain together, cry together and sometimes laugh together....................you will always get a reply, usually lots lol, please dont feel that you are on your own.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hello Anne, and welcome. I too have had to have time off this week as it all got too much for me, i am so fed up of pretending that everything is ok when it's not. Think work were a bit surprised at how bad things are, shocked more like it but they all said the right things verbally but they can't understand really. My son has complelety withdrawn himself from everything now, he hasn't seen anyone outside the family for over a week now things are really bad for him - having real difficulties leaving the house, but hey school said they want him back tomorrow flying pigs come to mind. To make things even worse i bought him a pet rat which he absolutley adores and the poor thing died on Friday, mu son was absolutley devasteated, so i immediately got him another one. The problem is now he won't take his eyes off it terrified the same will happen this one it has resulted in him not going to bed for 2 days - he's absolutley shattered. I have tried explaining that it is natural with pets but nothing i say makes any difference. School said Friday that Ed Welfare will probably now start legals - how cruel can anyone be.

Sarah xx

Oh Sarah - that is awful bad luck - with the rat! And to have the legal threat thrown at you as well. We are thinking of you. Have you shown them the article that I sent the url for re the UK case that went to court and lost?
Hang in there - this is a bad time of year near Christmas and I think the kids pick up on everyone's 'hectic' vibes. My son hasn't been in for a week and we seem to have got on each other's nerves as I work from home and haven't been able to as I can't concentrate - I am really really hoping I can get him in today.
Thinking of all of you who have had a bad week and hoping this next week is a better one for us all:-)
Linda

Hi Linda - i've not shown them anything yet, keeping my cards close to my chest. I keep feeling strong about it all, then wobble and think i can't do this. Just mentioned the "s" word and now he has gone into one of his not talking modes which doesn't help. His brother who is 11 tries to help but gets annoyed with him when he won't talk to anyone !!

Hope you had more luck today.

Sarah x

Hi Sarah,

I didn't succeed today. He had a complete meltdown and became so hard on himself - the usual 'I've let everyone down - I hate myself - I wish I was normal' through all the tears. Hyperventilated etc. You all know what this feels like. I am trying to keep my chin up as I look towards Christmas. Maybe I just give up on this week? I just emailed the teacher and she said that they are having a class party on Thursday but had planned around the fact that he might not turn up. I guess that means that they just don't think he'll do it. Is that the reality? I just thought that ending the year on such a low note by not attending might not be so wise in regard to starting again next year but perhaps ending the year depressed might be worse? It is so hard to know what I should do.
Sorry your son has shut you out re not talking. That must be so hard! I guess he knows it is all the same so best to just keep quiet. It is a worry though.
Hope someone out there has had some success this morning.
Linda

Sarah

so sorry to hear how things are with you just now, please, please, please remember your not on your own, your priority just now is your son and yourself, you will get the strength to carry on with this.

Take care
Dorothy x

Sarah - do you try, like me, every morning to get him there? Should we be giving them more space and then try? I just can't seem to find the happy medium. My son now says that he does not want to go for the rest of the week. Should I just give up on this year and try again next year or by giving in am I showing some kind of weakness? Yet if I try every morning for the rest of this week -we will both be completely stressed out. I know the counsellor would say 'you have to try' but they are not in the situation and as you all know - sometimes the stress just has to stop. I know I can't expect any of you to know the answer to whether I should keep trying and I know it is guilt forcing me. Who really cares about the last week of school!! If he was going every day of the year I'd probably let him stay home in the last week - or go on holiday - they don't do normal school. But something inside me keeps driving me to send him. Is that kind of crazy and unrealistic?
If you are an indigenous parent in Australia you face loosing welfare support if you don't send your child to school - a terrible threat that solves nothing. There is nothing in place for non indigenous families. I feel lucky on the one hand but would like to fight for the rights of the poor indigenous parents whose kids probably suffer all sorts of problems trying to fit into school. Your situation in the UK and ours here shows there is just absolutely no understanding what parents go through trying to get kids to school and the attitude is that we are just not trying. Any more ideas on a conference, Simon?
Sorry - just having a bad couple of weeks I think and wish I was closer to all you guys but thanks so much for making me not feel so isolated down here.
Linda

Hi
I too have had problems these last weeks, he only attended two days last week. Our therapist said its the end of a long term and he is probably exhausted so I should ask him every morning 'what do you want to do today' and if its a no, let him stay at home. Not suprisingly, he said no last week but this morning, he has gone in. He breaks up on wednesday so I think that helps. She says he needs to rest his 'fight or flight' reflexes and have no stress. As soon as I accepted that and my stress levels went down, he relaxed. Linda, why don't you turn it around and say to him you have done so well this term and as its the last week, you can stay home if you want after all you are not missing any academic work and so it looks like he is being rewarded for his achievements so far and not like you are giving in to him.... Maybe give him a target of going in for the last day? You never know, he may suprise you, my son did today. They need to feel they are in control... We are going to work on CBT strategies over xmas in time for the new term...Maybe you could put a few extra sessions in?

It so hard and I know exactly how you feel, you want them to go in for the last week so you finish on a high and so they feel good positive for next year but maybe a break is what he needs..

Thinking of you all.....

sophy

Thanks for your support Sophy. And this afternoon I came to the conclusion that it was best to just let this week go like you suggested (although I didn't quite get to ask each morning). I went in to visit his teacher and the vice principal and they said they weren't surprised he wasn't attending at the moment. What did surprise me is they said they thought he had gone really well this term and had a much better attitude and attended more. I could have sworn he didn't attend more but perhaps it has all become a blur. So I told them I'd try but hoped they'd understand if he didn't turn up again. They said they understood. So I was relieved and went home and told him firstly that they said they'd love to see him so perhaps he could try and go in tomorrow or even on another day. He flatly refused and started getting angry. So after escaping the house to do some shopping I came back and decided then and then to just let this week go. He is so relieved (and so am I). We have both had a really pleasant evening. And the teacher asked me....do you think he might have aspergers? Sorry I have forgotten who else wondered this on the site? Was it you, Sophy? I just can't quite see that he has because I thought his social skills were fine but she thinks he becomes too obsessed/intense with making friends. But i have never observed this in all of his life. I still think anxiety issues and aspergers might overlap but am willing to look further only if knowing will help. I just don't think my son fits this category and then I start to wonder if categories are of any use what so ever anyway! Sorry - lots of thoughts swimming around in my head at the moment. And yes I will start some more CB before next year!
Linda

Oh guys - I am so sorry for you, it is really hard for us all. Not really sure what to say. This forum is for school refusers, but my son isn't just a school refuser he has problems with just about every aspect of his life so looking back though all the past threads feel that I am just wasting everyones time going on about my problems. This site was set up to help children back to school and I am not being very positive for you all.

I apologise for this, but hope you don't mind me being here. I sound as though i am feeling sorry for myslef - fact is I think I am.

Sar xx

Sarah,

You have every right to feel sorry for yourself, you've had a lot thrown at you recently. Take care of yourself. Try to relax, re-charge your batteries and get your sparkle back.

To all my other friends on here .....

On reading through the forum today, I've noticed everyone is really stressed, the youngsters AND the parents. We tend to pass our stress onto our children making it even more difficult for them dont we.
As you know my daughter is now at college after 5 years of very very little attendance at school and everyone saying she would never make anything of herself if she didnt attend school. How wrong there were! She is so happy, has lots of friends, and when she's not studying hard, she's out and about enjoying her life. She's even talking about starting her own business!
We look back on things ocasionally and my daughter said that during her time of non attendance, my stress really affected her. She always felt as if she were letting me down. She wanted to go to school and be 'normal' but just couldnt do it. The meetings made her feel worse, always pushing her to attend school, everyone talking about her as if she were not there and making decisions about her without realising she was absolutely terrified! The pressure was just too much.
So maybe we should listen to a young lady who's been there, and step back a little and just let this week go. Maybe give back some of the control to our children for a while, after all no one likes to feel they've lost control of their own life.
I know the educational professionals are pushing us constantly to get our children into school, but surely there is more to life ..... including our childrens well being.

My thoughts are with you all, I wish I could do more.

So step-back, de-stress, enjoy your Christmas and start again next year.

Hugs!

Sue x

Thanks Sue. I think i need a kick up the bum at the moment. Today is not a good day as his brother who has been off for a week really poorly ( genuine ) should have gone back to school today, but last night played me up something cronic - and this morning was so tired he refused to go to school - HELP !! Hoping this is a one off and will go back tomorrow. I haved threatened to take his playstation off him, but when i haven't taken his SR brothers off him it is so hard ( he isn't allowed to go on it during school hours ) Stress levels at an all time high, not really done anything for Christmas yet just trying to sort family out ( I also have my parents living with me - Dad has demenita and mum had a stroke ealier this year, and is waiting to have 2 new hips and a knee replacement) The childrens Dad won't help so feel a bit alone at the moment.
Do you know I feel better now that is off my chest.

Love to all

Sarah x

Sarah,

My heart goes out to you, you have so much on your plate. My daughter who is in the year below my SR son did exactly the same thing ten days ago and i completely lost it so I really know how you feel but she did go back. It is very hard for the younger siblings, as they do have to just get on with it. I am constantly feeling guilty about the lack of attention she gets compared with my son. Her brother is constantly telling her she is so lucky she doesn't have anxiety and how he wishes he was more like her. But, we just have to tryto do the best we can as mums. So don't be hard on yourself and don't worry about christmas - I'm sure you will feel better when school officially breaks up. We always get the energy in the end from somewhere!

Thinking of you...

sophy

Thanks Sophy - i just felt as thought the world had ended when son no. 2 didn't go in, and he hasn't today but to be fair he isn't 100 % still full of cold. Well, anyway had a psychiastic nurse round last night to talk to my son and start CBT, what a wonderful chap - so nice and my son felt very safe talking to him. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it helps. I do think son no 2 is feeling a little left out at the moment, i just wish i had another 24 hours in a day. He has tried and tried to contact his dad but he won't return his calls or texts which doesn't help - just one phone call would help !!

Anyway I'm trying to remain positive - think I need CBT !!LOL

Love to all, and thank you for being here for me.
Sar xx

Sarah - I do hope things start to even out. It is a stressful time of year. And Sue - you have reminded us by now being able to 'look back' that we are all stressing here! Seems there is little satisfaction cos of the guilt factor so he is not relaxed and perhaps I am not helping. I am hoping that when the 'real' holidays start next week that we might both start to relax a bit - but then again - he is off to his Dad's for a week - so I won't experience that. I feel on edge all the time and as if the world is flying past (as it does at Christmas time). Hang in there Sarah and do have some CB yourself - I think sessions together sometimes works well. I am also considering just weekly counselling for myself as I agree, Sue , my stress levels do carry over to my son. And Sarah - you must have enormous stress - and don't ever feel you are wasting time here - you need to be here with us talking it over - no body minds at all.
Hoping everyone has a good weekend or a better few days at least:-)
Linda

Boy we are all so stressed!
My son was doing really well and had completed 2 full days-doing one lesson in class in the morning and one in the afternoon. I was so proud of him and praised and hugged him, but that was 2 weeks ago and he hasnt been back since. No obvious trigger, nothing appears to have happened.
We had a second CAMHS meeting today, the 1st one said he wasnt a case for them so the school re-referred him. Today we saw a different person. My son talked a little but did refuse to answer most questions. Again they are saying there are no mental health issues but she did say she was concerned about his self esteem and confidence. She also said she thought i may have depression!!
He is also seeing Vibes which is through MIND. They are working on 'fight or flight' with him. I am hoping this is going to help.
My worrry now is that without a CAMHS diagnosis the school will carry out their threat of prosection.
Anyway, school is now closed for christmas. I can sleep at night without the dread of the next morning, already my son is more relaxed and happy which is a joy to see.
I wish everyone on this forum a happy and relaxing christmas and hope that we can all put the lid on our worries and fears for a short while and just enjoy being with our children without the pressure of a school day.
Love to all XXXXX