Since the new school year has started we have had a very difficult time with my son and school. We now have an educational psycologist on board which has helped with the school's attitude but my son still doesnt want to go.

We did a few weeks of afternoon's in the inclusion unit and then morning's which went well but as soon as he was asked to attend one lesson a morning of his choice we have gone backwards and he hasnt been in for 2 weeks. They asked him to sign a contract to say he would attend these lesson which he did, but then has refused to go.

CAMHS have seen him once and said he is not a candidate for them. Sometimes I wonder if he is playing us all for fools.

It has been going on for 10 months and my husband and I were asked to attend Positive Parenting classes which we agreed to do but when we went they were about dealing with total different issues, our son isn't naughty, rude or agressive, he just doesnt want to go to school and gets very anxious about it all.

He is 12 and when school isnt in the picture is a happy, normal boy who skateboards, plays drums and guitar and has some very good friendships. Add school to the picture and he shuts down even though his friends attend the same school.

I am exhausted and seem to want to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't have the strength to argue anymore. I feel at my wits end..........and wonder if my son will ever accept school again.

Dear Sue,

I know exactly how you feel - and so does everyone here. Whilst it might look like he is playing you all for fools - for him it is very real - and believe me - is not making it up. He will be confused and bewildered himself as he won't know why he feels this way. Unfortunately my son has had SR for 5 years and he's only 11 - so it is not something that fixes itself overnight but it does get better as we ourselves start to adapt how we relate to it. Your support will be vital to him. Going by what others say on here - I would imagine your son is in fact a candidate for CAMHS. Perhaps you need to try them again and force them into seeing what the situation really is. As for parenting forums you were sent to......they just don't get it do they!!? Your son sounds like mine - happy if school wasn't there (although I do notice the anxiety hits in other areas sometimes). Has your son had any diagnosis for anxiety?
I think as everyone here has reminded me - we do need to look after ourselves as our kids need our support. Can you find some counselling or CB therapy for you and your son?
It is understandable that we are desperate to bring normality back into our lives but somewhere along the line I think we have to accept that that is not going to happen - and release ourselves and our children from that pressure. As you can see from my last post - I am always tired - it is very draining emotionally and physically even if I do try and stand back from the situation as much as I can. Best of luck-keep your spirits up- you are doing all you can and are a good parent.
Linda

Hi Sue
Im so sorry to hear you are having a bad time, but as Linda said we do understand. I am sure that at one time or another we have all questioned our children - if they are telling the truth or not - but believe you me they are not swinging the lead, it is very very real for them. What does surprise me is CAMHS as we have been under them for 3 years and they have been wonderful with both my son and me, and they see alot of school refusers. You must go and see your GP and ask for a second opinion as you are entitled to it, you must not let this go. The whole situation is soul destroying because you dont really know whats happening or what to do. My only advise is support him come what may as he needs you. I could go on for hours but unfortunately im at work. Keep us informed of how its going, and if we can help we will.

Sarah x

It helps so much to know that we are not alone in this. Sometimes the school make us feel such a failure, 'What do you mean you can't get him to come?' 'He said he would yesterday'......and so on. They seem to forget that at the middle of all this is a 12 year old boy with a fear that over whelms him, a good, sensitive and actually very talented kid who was a star pupil. I get the impression of some people that they think we are weak parents for letting this happen.......i know we shouldnt care what others think but that is easier said than done. We arent letting this happen, it just is and it is so hard not to pray for normality to return but i suppose we need to let go of what ever normal is and get on with it. We cant put our lives on hold for ever but sometimes it feels wrong to plan stuff when this is in the background. Friends have said things like, 'i'd ground him', take his ps3 away that'll sort him out' but they dont see that i fear he will shut down completely if we stopped him from socialising.
Anyway, many thanks for all the support, i hope to be able to offer some in return when i get my head in a better place

Sue,

Don't listen to others! They haven't a clue what we are going through or what our children are like. All they do is put pressure on us to be 'normal'.
Once I'd realised others comments were adding more stress to our lives, I stopped listening.
Taking away their PS3, laptops etc won't solve anything. My daughter used her laptop as a way to communicate to the outside world and looking back, I'm glad I let her keep it.
Just take one day at a time Sue. Our children are fantastic and very bright. Sadly they have anxieties others don't feel but with our support and understanding they can get through it and lead a very happy life. We are not being taken as fools, our children are as confused as we are and very very scared of school, just because others don't understand the fear, doesn't mean it isn't real.
My daughter didn't go to school for 5 years and I had lots of altercations with 'professionals' who didn't understand along the way, including CAHMS and Educational Support, whose Manager was the most unsympathetic person I've ever met! Somehow we got through it and my daughter is at college now and very very happy.
It worked out for us and it will work out for you too.
Just hang in there.
Hugs.

Sue x

Its not easy to shut out what others say - but over time you can and when your child sees you are believing of them - your relationship with them will also improve. I have never taken anything away from my son - despite what others along the way have a suggested and if anyone ever mentions a 'star' system again I will scream!
My son cannot verbalise what is going on - as I am sure your son can't. He will sometimes fling out accusations about hating a particular kid or hating a teacher etc but before you know it all is well on that front and he just can't go. Our kids do seem to be bright - but perhaps their form of anxiety goes hand in hand with this?
Hang in there and remember we are all here to support each other.
Linda
PS And to the other Sue - I always feel a sense of being able to move forward when I remember how long your daughter missed school and now she is happy at College. Same with Simon. A wonderful achievement for both of you. And thanks for staying on here and helping out others - very much appreciated.

Linda,

My daughter is enjoying college, but we are not out of the woods yet. She finds that her course is intense (and I know that other parents were hoping for a stress free course for their children!)and her anxieties still catch up with her. However, she is more able to cope with them now, and appears to be doing well.

This thread, 'soul destroying', is apposite. One thing I think we have learnt is to remain 'cool, calm and carbolic' (as my sergeant major used to say), and by not rising to the bait each time a 'crisis' appears, it seems to help her calm down again.

I just have to keep the turmoil inside hidden.

Simon

Just had yet another meeting with the 'experts' at the school who now ask are we sure he doesnt have a gaming addiction on his PS3 and thats why he wants to stay off!!! Do they not think that we have checked into things like that, some days he hasnt even been on the thing when he's home. They are now starting something callled a six week plan which in my understanding is the start of prosecuting us for his non attendance. They think this will scare him into attending!

Sue,

My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel, its so frustrating isn't it? These 'experts' have no idea. If they were to spend just one day in our shoes .......

Have these 'experts' not listened to the Educational Psychologist? Has he not backed you up at all?

Don't let them get you down, your son needs your support and it sounds to me as if you are doing a blooming good job. Education can be found at anytime in our life, it doesn't have to be right here, right now. Your son will be fine.

Stick with it Sue.

Take care.

Sue x

Oh Sue - that must make you feel so angry. If only it was that simple. They really do take us to be idiots, don't they!
Have you followed up with CAHMS - as it seems that it does work for a number on this forum and your son really does come into that. You can tell them that you know of others - perhaps it will jolt them into some understanding.

I know with my son they have told me they have never come across this before but I know going by the statistics - they must have - it just got covered up or the parents gave up or the kid moved schools perhaps. There was a posting on here some time back about the issue of school and threatening to enforce school attendance - you might want to check back in the past postings.
Getting your doctor and a specialists to make some kind of diagnosis might help you enormously. People listen to me now when I say my son has Generalised Anxiety Disorder. It doesn't help him directly - but it helps others get their head around it - so helps him in the long run.

For my son -anything he gets obsessed with seems to be a way of shutting out the anxiety and guilt of not going to school. Your son is probably the same. I found the only way I could make the school sit up and listen (and not all at the school do but at least they are more respectful) was to 'take control' and show them what the situation was and not look to them for answers. The more vulnerable I was when I presented to them - the more they told me it must be me doing something wrong. It's hard at the start - but try a brave face and some facts up your sleeve to show them what is happening and what you want done about it at their end.
Let us know how its going,
Linda

Linda, thank you for that. I hadnt thought about it like that. You do assume that you need to look to them for all the answers but actually after last nights meeting I have realised that they dont have them either. A friend has told me today that because we dont tick any of their normal boxes that they dont know what to do!

Sue, others have said much as I would have, only better written, so I just want to focus on the threatened prosecution.

This is where it becomes really important that you have your documentation in order. You need to be able to demonstrate your actions and your son's progress. And, importantly, show how you have worked with other agencies, e.g. the school, to put their strategies into practice - and how this has and has not worked. If you have not kept a diary, your entries here might well prove helpful.

We don't need this hassle, but it might help obtain an outcome that is helpful - a dedicated case worker who helps bring things together, or whatever is needed. However, it probably will not come to that, and you might get the additional support that you need from someone who does have some understanding.

A six-week plan indicates a timetable. I suggest you find out what the stages are. It also takes us to Christmas, so you will want to know before then what the plan is for the spring term (Spring? We have snow on the hills!).

Just a thought, but do you think that your son might work with you to put the list/file together?

We are all with you on this one, Sue. Take care,

Simon

Sue,

I had the same issue with my 12 year old son and his x box live - he was absolutely addicted to it when he was refusing to go to school. We were advised that during school hours he was not to play it, or watch sky or go on to the internet. As soon as four o'clock came, he was allowed his 'toys' back. We had huge scary tantrums but eventually he accepted it. My husband had to take the leads to work somedays! When they are playing it, they forget their troubles and feel normal. We also used it as a reward system so if he went to see his therapist for instance which he rarely wanted to do, he would then be allowed to play it on his return even if it was in school hours. Basically anything that he needed to do that was out of his comfort zone, we used it as a bargaining tool. I do think that his boredom during the day helped with his motivation to get back to school...

Have you contacted the Parent Partnership? Apparently they can be fantastic with advice and your legal rights. Your son has an anxiety disorder which is a disability and you have legal rights and should be getting help especially from camhs...Can you consider private therapy? That is what we had to do in the end as the waiting list for camhs was so long where we are in London.

Don't give up, you will get there in the end...

sophyx

Hi Sue I have tried to rep;y several times this morning but I am having a really bad day - I'm not ignoring you honeslty but the tears are taking over at the moment.

Take care all

Sar xx

Sarah,

I saw your response to sue.
What's happened, why the tears?
You've always been there for me in the past ...... I'm here for you.

Sue & Megan x

Sarah, please don't worry about not replying. Tears are taking me over too so know where you are coming from. Hope you feel betterXXX
Thanks everyone for your advice and support, this is an amazing thing that we can support each other.
I have kept a diary so that will help and we have yet another meeting on Friday about this 6 week plan. Has anyone on here actually been prosecuted? If so what does it intail?
My son was watching an extreme sport programme about skateboarding and the bloke had had hypnotherapy to help with nerves. He has asked if that could help him so I am looking into it - anyone else tried it? I know Reki helps my son feel calmer and I need to get him another session booked.
Once again thanks everyone and i hope we all sleep well tonight XX

Hi all

Apologies for yesterday, wasn't a good day as my SR son "refused" - i know I should expect it every now and then but he has done so well - this is his 4th week back at school. He went in on Monday and there was an incident in the class room which really upset him causing him to panic, so i can understand why he refused. He has gone in today and was fine as he had a good chat with CAMHS last night. I am really proud of him. I know we are a long way from being out of the woods but we are making good progress.

- Thanks Sue and Meg, just couldn't talk yesterday - what a rollercoaster !!

Love to all

Sar x

Great news that he has gone in again....thats brilliant. I hope my sons gets to that stage. Any wobble is no attendance for weeks not days so my hat goes of to you both. XXXX

Thanks Sue, it has taken us nearly 3 years to get to this stage so I'm so hopeful he continues to build upon this.

Sar xx

Hi Guys

sorry not been on for a wee while, had some other problems.
Sue, I really feel for you, i've been there, sometimes you have to reach rock bottom before you can start climbing back up again, i went to the doctors and she prescribed anti depressants, something that I was so ashamed about, but they did help, you don't realise how bad you have been until you start to feel better, I still look back on that time, a year ago now and i see how far i've come, sometimes we need to go and ask for help, to help us look after our children, you sound as if you are in that place now, you have all our support but you may need a little bit more, please take some time out for you.

take care
Dorothy s

Dorothy - I haven't been on the site for a while so trying to catch up. You said you have other issues - hope all resolved now.

You know where I am if you need any help.
Sarah x