My 12 year olds school refusal started this time last year and having missed a term and a half of school managed to go back full time for the summer term. He has been absolutely fine saying his anxiety is gone completely and even last week (after half term) he seemed fine but this week......

On Tuesday he said 'mum, i'm exhausted, can I have a duvet day' - so he has a day off, wed, managed to get him into for break and last night, he completely broke down and said I just can't do it anymore....
This morning was awful, just like the old days but he did go in at break time but I know only because he had been picked for a football match this afternoon playing for the year above which meant he missed an afternoon of lessons! He is a football scholar which he is very proud of but obviously, this comes with added pressure. But....we do have strategies in place from before so I am trying to remain positive but I do have that sinking feeling. I think this has been triggered by his tutors telling him he could do better as his grades have not been as good as last year!! I think they have forgotten that he missed a term and a half and they obviously gave him good grades at the end of last term as they appreciated the mountain he had climbed to get back into school. Our wonderful therapist told me that our anxious children are wired so tightly - they pick up on everything and when things are going well, they are very high achievers but because of this, life is exhausting for them and very quickly becomes overwhelming. I do hope it is a blip with my son, lets see how next week pans out but I do wonder, this has co-incided with the clocks going back. It is also exactly the same time last year that it all kicked off. But, as a fmaily, we now have CB strategies in place so lets see if we can remember them all!

And to top it all off, my daughter came home with nits last night!!!!

Hi Sophie,

I do feel for you. I know myself when things run smoothly with my son - I still sit on edge - as I just know that it will pop up again. It's strange, isn't it - that those 'duvet' days as you call them are something they seem to have to take - but as a result it makes it almost impossible for them to go back. Clocks going back - that is also interesting - when we turned to daylight saving a few weeks back my son was furious - saying he hated it. Now he loves the extra daylight of course. They don't like change much.
Only you can guess - but hang in there - he has gone well in the recent past so with the CB therapies you mentioned - I am sure you will be able to move forward at some point soon. Are you able to share with us any of the CB strategies that work best for you and your son? My son and I are currently seeing a CB psychologist and have not had enough sessions for it all to sink in yet but I am really hoping this has some effect.
Good luck - we are thinking of you.
Linda

Thank you Linda,

Well, he came home absolutely full of himself - wanted to go to football training and then to a sleepover. When i asked how his day had gone he reply was 'for gods sake mum, how many times have I told you, I'm better'!!! No acknowledgment of this weeks problems!! This is obviously because he wanted me to let him go to the sleepover and yes I am delighted he's happy but can't help feeling slightly resentful that he can block the weeks traumas out and I can't. Oh well lets see what next week brings....It may well be a different case when he sits down to do his homework or on sunday night.

with regard to strategies, he has a very simple breathing one, breath in for 7 seconds, out for 11 seconds. if he thinks something bad is going to happen, we need to think about the worst thing and then the best thing that could actually happen and discuss what we would do in either scenario....We are not allowed to use any words such as 'have to', 'need to', 'got to' , ' you should' 'must' these need to be replaced with 'can you' 'could you' etc. This is so hard!! We also have some strategies in place at school where if he is feeling he cannot cope he can go and see the school nurse who is just the nicest and kindest lady - we are so lucky there. She can call me and I can speak to him and come and get him if need be. Sometimes she may walk him around, get him breathing properly but most times, he just needs a chat with me or her ie reassurance I am going to be at school to collect him at the end of day (as if I would just leave him there!!).

I am hopeful that with these things in place we can nip this in the bud. they are just simple things but they really help....fingers crossed

Hi everyone,

Do you think that maybe we jump to the wrong conclusion sometimes?

If they have a bad day or cannot go in one day, for no apparent reason, we automatically feel 'it's here again!'.

I know that even though my daughter is at college and enjoying it, she sometimes finds the stress of assessments a little too much to handle and I think 'oh god, here comes a blip day' and panic.

As time has gone on, I've realised that she will have days that are a little stressful, everyone does, but it doesnt mean its her phobia back again. I now try to stand back a little and let her work it through herself. I try not to say anything (gosh thats hard when all I want to do is make things right for her). She did have a day off and caught up with her work and then returned the next day without any hesitation, much to my surprise.

I know its slightly different to your sons, as she is older, but
maybe we 'jump' a little too quickly instead of letting things run their course.

Gosh who ever said being a parent was easy? ....... being a parent of a school phobic is even harder ...... sadly those dark feelings never leave us no matter how old they get.

Take care all, just remember we are GREAT PARENTS doing the best we can for our youngsters.

Sue x

Glad to hear all is ok again. That's frustrating, isn't it - not knowing if 'this time' is SR or not (and your son of course not knowing either). I agree with Sue, we probably all tend to jump in and think 'oh no - its back again'. If our kids didn't have SR there would be times when they are over tired - sick - need a break etc. But then I also know that if my son has a cold - he'll be off school for a week (or more as SR kicks in) - another kid would be off for a couple of days. Its a matter of balance - for us and our kids. Good luck
Linda
PS. Just wondering if all the School Refusers on here are the eldest or an only child? Are any of your children youngest or middle children?