school refusers
a resource for parents
Hia,
I have a 13 year old daughter who had school phobia diagnosed in Junior school, we took her out of school and homeschooled her for 2 years, she decided to go back to school this year in Sept and luckily we got her into a good school, at first she was fine but in Oct the fears all came back.
She hasnt been for a full day for weeks now and it getting so stressful for us all.
I am dreading her going back in Jan.
We have tried everything, from psychologist to hynotherapy, nothing works.
I need to talk to peolple who are going through the same or have been thtough the same situation as me,
Please help,
Kaye
Hi Kaye,
Sorry you are feeling so stressed - and the time of year doesn't help, does it!? If you read through some of the threads here you might find what others have gone through is a help or at least you will know you are not alone.
Have you tried cognitive behaviour therapy? It might be worth looking into, to give your daughter some strategies she can work with. it has a very good record with anxiety. The fact that she decided to try and go back to school would seem a very positive step so perhaps she is ready to work with this type of therapy.
Hoping you can relax over the next couple of weeks without school and let us know how you go.
Best wishes
Linda
Welcome to our little group, Kaye.
Whilst we cannot put ourselves in your shoes, we have all been through, or are going through, something similar and realise how stressful it can be for all the family.
In the early days, my wife took the brunt of the burden as I would have gone to work before the start of the school day, but still felt enormously stressed by the whole thing. Later, I was able to get more involved. That's when I started to need help.
Being supported by people in similar situations on this site made such a difference.
I note your daughter has not been 'for a full day for weeks'. May I suggest that is a positive? She has been into school! It may take longer with small steps, but you can still complete the journey. I have just been helping my daughter finalise her UCAS form this morning. There was a time when I never thought I would see the day. And to see her referring to herself positively (and so well written) gave me a real boost.
I hope the pressure comes off you both over the Christmas break.
Take care,
Simon
Kaye - you will find many friends here on the site, and we all know what each other is going though, because unless you have been there people have no idea. I'm afraid I can't give you the magic solution, i wish i could but all i can say is support your daughter through these tough times, and as Simon said it is a positive that she has at least been going in. We have also tried everything we can, and at the moment have started CBT which i hope and pray is the answer. Just talking to someone who understands helps so much - I have had really bad days and just posting a message and getting support is great.
Just enjoy the holidays and time out and don't think about January i'm not his year as it has upset the last 2 Chritmas holidays.
Keep in touch and stay strong.
Sarah xx
Hi Kaye,
Welcome to our site.
Sorry to hear you are so stressed at the moment. It's a bit of a rollercoaster isn't it?
We may not have all the answers on here but it feels good to chat to others who know what you are going through.
I just wanted to say .... stick with it ..... your daughter needs to know you are on her side, she has no idea why she feels the way she does. Just take small steps.
I'm one of the lucky ones, my daughter didn't attend full time school for many years but with a little home tutoring, she managed to get into college and I'm happy to say she loves it.
There were times when, like you, we never thought we'd get through it, but honestly you can, by taking lots of small steps.
Make the most of the school holidays and relax a little.
We are all here for you, I've made some great friends on here, thanks to Simon for such a great site!
Take care and have a good Christmas.
Sue x
Hi,
I too am new to this site, but after scrolling through find some support in knowing we are not alone. I live with my partner and his two children, and all has been very sweet for two years. The youngest, now twelve, and in Year 7, began to fight against attending school about three months ago. Since then she has exhibited all the symptoms I have read about on this site and other 'School Phobic' sites; tummy ache, headaches, which dematerialise as soon as the possibilty of staying home is mooted. She becomes hysterical, anxious, screams just straight screams and messages of hatred (not to me, I am a calm in what has been an acrimonious break-up for her parents). We have now dealt with the Child Protection Unit of the Police (the relationship both girls have with their mother is fraught), Social Services, School Welfare, Samaritans and the Child Mental Health Team. The new term is looming and we are at our wits end as she is refusing point blank to go, despite being told by her GP and Councellor, that she must. Her father's job is on the line, as he was given off a period of welfare to deal with this crisis and for many factors may now be moved to a lesser role a greater distance away. I have put my own job on hold for a month prior to Christmas, but must now return to full duties. What do we do? She makes suicidal threats, and begs us to kill her, "If you really do love me you'd kill me, it's what I want". You can imagine our distress, and I have to say as a surrogate parent it can be very wearing and as someone who is only human I sometimes feel guilty for feeling resentment.
Can anyone wave a magic wand?
Are there any answers?
Suzannah
Welcome to out little group, Suzannah.
You will not be surprised to know that there is no magic wand. You have clearly been through the mill with all those organisations getting involved, and still no solution.
With a new term looming, you are approaching another crisis point. At 12, you girl is still young and so missing school will not be so important at this stage as it is later as she begins the exam stage of her education. Knowing what we went through, I counsel a calm approach, rather than threats and ultimatums. They certainly did not work for us.
You do have to provide an education for the girl, but this can be done in a number of ways other than going into 'the' school. The school can help you work out a plan (they won't like it because of budgetary issues).
Many of us here have had career issues to think about; how can you pay to look after your family if you are not working? how can you support your child if you are? No magic wand there, either, sadly. Many of us need that break from home to allow us to have a break from the stresses of home. Is there someone who can come into the house to allow you to get to work when your girl is off school? Maybe a retired teacher?
I am sorry, Suzannah, I do not feel I am being helpful here, but I do feel great concern for your family. Please keep in touch - there are others here who are better able than I to support you.
Yours aye,
Simon
Simon,
Thank you. I know the magic wand isn't out there but words from people like yourself do help considerably. There is a natural feeling of failure and isolation when confronted with something like this. For heaven's sake, after all she is twelve and we are grown-ups and yet suddenly she is controlling every aspect of our lives! You are right it does impact on the whole family, Our twelve year old's problems are having a very stressful affect on our fifteen year old, who is of course at GCSE level.
I also have two older boys, one just graduated and the other at university (2nd year) and as a family unit we work very well together.
I was thinking of trying some visualisation techniques with the twelve year old - has anyone else tried this?
I was thinking of inviting another mum to bring her daughter on the first day of term in the hope ours would be too embarressed to tantrum - has anyone else done this?
We have talked of withdrawing all privilages (computer, mobile phone, television, etc) in the hope boredom might drive her to school - has anyone else done this?
In short, we are willing to discuss trying anything. I know from reading other's entries that many of you having been in this place for far longer than us, but the key element from everything I read seems to be "catch it early" - does anyone agree with this?
2011 - happy new year to my new support system and I would appreciate ANY words of advice and support - thanks once again Simon.
Hi Suzannah. Well, where do i start ? I have tried removing everything from my son and that didn't work, in fact he refused to go on his computer or even watch tv for quite a while !! we have just started CBT ( linda is a big fan of this ) so i hope it works. Year 7 seems to be the trigger for SR obviously the transition from primary to high school but i do not have the answer. My children are so different, the youngest is in yr 7 now and is a confident child whereas my SR son yr 10 has no confidence at all. I would say the sooner you get help the better as the longer it is left the harder it becomes ( we are 3 years now ) and i have to say school play a large role in the successful outcome, they have to help in order to succeed. What have CAMHS said ? I had a letter regarding a further referal to see another psycologist there who specialises in speach and language ( apparently to do with socialising) but can't see us for another 18 weeks !!. Not sure what the new term holds for us as i know he won't go back - sorry he can't go back and school have said they think Ed Welfare will start legals against me - CAHMS have asked them to hold fire on this until they can sort him ( feel like piggy in the middle ) I apologise that i can't offer any real advise but you are not alone, I am a single mum and i had to take time off before Christmas as the stress was getting to me. It is all a nightmare but the support on this site is fantastic.
Keep posting to let everyone know how you are getting on - or even if you need to rant.
Sar x
Sarah,
Thank you for replying.
Your mail makes me think two things ... one, how can I be beginning to feel the stress when I have only served a tenth of the time you have. And secondly, we have to get her back to school now, when still in such early stages.
I foresee horendous problems ahead, as so succinctly described on this site, if we don't deal with this NOW!
I have the deepest sympathy for your own plight, my goodness, how have you coped?
The 5th is coming and I at least know now that we are not alone in dreading it.
Thank you.
Hi Suzannah,
Sorry you are having a bad time and dreading the new term. I am not sure 'catching it early ' is necessarily the key as my son is now 11 and has had this since he was 5 - but gaining all the support and being aware of how you deal with it is just as important. Working 'with' you step daughter is important - so she doesn't feel she is alone in this. It is not her fault.
I agree with Simon that the calm approach is important. And yes I am a fan of Cognitive Behaviour therapy. My son has reached an age(or perhaps it has just been going on so long) where he wants to find something to help as he hates being like this. He is now requesting to see the CB therapist - which is not something that happened it the past - it was always me booking him in. Whilst he missed more school this year than any other year (60 days) - he did not get depressed or threaten to kill himself as he has done in previous years.
Taking away items never worked for us - it is a punishment for something they can't 'control'.
The first day of every new year of school - we drive round to his friends house and they walk to school together (with me and the dog at my son's request). If you do have a friend over for you step daughter - I think it only best if she is part of this and agrees with it.
My son seemed reassured when I told him I use this site and that there are lots of other kids out there going through the same thing.
Good luck - there are some wonderfully supportive people on here who you can turn to when times get tough.
And Sarah - I am so sorry that you had a panic attack yourself! I can relate to that as just after I decided to keep my son home from school without question before Christmas - I came down with a huge migraine and ended up in hospital totally dehydrated! Your son sounds like he is a lovely sensitive soul (just as mine was when I went to hospital - he was the one who rang a friend to get me there).
Hang in there Suzannah and hope just talking it over with us helps:-)
Linda
Linda - i think it just caught up with me, but the break has done me good. I am sorry you ended up in hospital that must have been awful for both of you. School here starts back Tuesday, and i am not looking forward to it at all. My son has now gone a full week without a panic attack - don't get me wrong he has been anxious - he thinks he is having a heart attack, chocking, blood clot etc but no full blown attacks. Is this down to me being at home full time or do we have a glimmer of light ?
Suzannah - your stress is no less than ours, i think that with time i have become numb to it all. I have spent all afternoon planning his teaching for the next week and i have to say i do find it difficult as its 30 years since i did my o levels !! He is finding motivating himself quite difficult at the moment as he studies alone in his room - something i couldn't do but until we get some help with a tutor or hopefully a place at the tuition centre then it has to be. I really wish it was the start and not the end of the holidays, coward i know lol.
Hope everyone else is ok.
Sar x
Hi,
Sarah, not a coward at all, I am beginning to see how totally wearing this situation is for all parties.
Linda, thank you for your words as well, all this support really is a great help.
Yesterday we sat J down for a talk. Of course the shutters went up immediately, but I started by saying this was not about us saying you MUST go to school, as long as for the moment she didn't say I AM NOT going to school. Instead I took the approach that she had made this autonomous decision, leaving us with a situation to which we needed to find practical solutions, therefore she should be involved in the process.
We needed to calmly discuss what she saw as a possible alternative to school? What would happen to here when we were at work? If she put hereself in our place would she give up on her child? We did this calmly and without any pressure although it sounds so blunt here in black and white. After a period of resentment and obvious sulking she began to open a little (we did not of course at this stage expect answers, what we sought was dialogue). Through a torrent of angry tears she did open up. We know the problems stem from her mother (a mother who has emotionally abused all three of them - my partner and both girls, the eldest came to us a year ago, J was bribed to stay with pets). It is easy for me, in my position, to sound very prejudiced against this woman, but I have been picking up the peices of one after the other for the last two and a half years and I do have work experience in that field - but when it is at your own door we all need support (thank you everyone). Anyway, we didn't let the talking process go on too long and after a brief time in her room to settle her emotions she came back into the fold and played Scrabble. We did however say that we would talk again today, and every day, we will not give up on her as we love her and care for her and we will help her find her way out of this tangle of emotions, but we know that takes time and pain but we also have to deal with the practical elements and she must appreciate that we need to find solutions to those.
Don't know yet if what we are doing is the right thing, and I expect many of you are saying "been there, done that".
It is a fact this takes over everything ... every conversation leads to school refusal, every social meeting drifts that way, every waking hour our thoughts go round in the same old circles but I am determined they will not be ever decreasing circles, even if they don't yet expand.
Thanks for letting me sound off again ... it really helps.
Somewhere in this forum a child is quoted as saying 'What happens to the children whose parents give up on them?'
It is the main driver that keeps me going. We have to be there for our children. Because, where would they be without us?
Congratulations on a good session with your girl, Suzannah. It sounds like a really good step forward. There may be backward steps to come, but we have to keep the long term goal in sight.
Simon
