Penny and Daz

Not heard from either of you for a while - hows things going ?
Would be good to know you are both ok ?

Please post and update.

Sarah x

Tried a tutor provided by the school since November, 1 hour a day 4 days a week, and it just hasn't worked. Daughter doesn't like being tutored, saying it is embarrassing. Half the time she just refuses to get up, the other half she will eventually get up but sees the tutor for only 15 minutes or so. She does work after the tutor has gone so they have something to mark but not enough.

She has also refused to see the CAMHS practitioner a couple of times saying she doesn't need her help. She was having trouble leaving the house but she has improved a lot recently. The main problem is she is not interested in school work and says she doesn't want a job and expects to stay at home and live off us!!

The main problem with my daughter is that she is happy as she is and doesn't want to change which is putting a massive strain on my relationship with her mum who thinks we should punish her by taking her pc and phone off her which I don't like as it just causes a fight. I think we should encourage her and hope she improves slowly and eventually something will click and she will get the motivation needed to get herself out of this stupor.


Any advice out there would be welcome.

My daughter hasn't been to school now for a year and doubt she will ever go back. She has one year left.

Dazza

I really feel for you. My son has started to leave the house now, this is only with the help of CBT and i wish the nurst who does this could see all the SR children on this site he is absolutely wonderful. He makes the sessions so intereting and they just laugh and laugh he is as mad as a hatter but it has worked..

With regards to the tutor, that is such a difficult one. My son does see his but moans and moans about it, and homework is being left til the last minute - he too has one year left after the summer.

I can only imaging how difficult this can be on a relationship as I have been on my own all the way through this, and i am sure you are both just trying to get through this as best you can.

I really don't think taking away things is the answer - but please don't take my advise as i still have a SR !!

With regards to CAMHS, i have always been a big fan as it has helped me no end, but it isn't the same for my son as he absolutley hates going, and to be fair i don't think there is much else they can do for him - catch 22.

Keep trying to stay strong - easier said than done i know but hopefully as you say it will all click into place at some point. I have found it much easier to handle now that i have accepted that my son will never go back to school and will havea tutor for the rest of his GCSE courses.

If you need to chat I am happy for you to have my number.

Sarah

Sarah, thank you for your post. I haven't been on here for a while because so much has been going on. As it stands at the moment my daughter is making huge positive steps forward after having a huge blip!
She had a successful interview at college and has been offered a conditional place in September dependent on a successful audition, which shouldn't be a problem, and 4 GCSE's at A-C grade, which is where the problem lies. This has given her a boost in motivation but not enough to go in over the easter breaks for revision sessions! We have been concentrating more on her Fibromyalgia which she is beginning to take more control of. She has improved her diet - less wheat products - which has had a positive impact on her tiredness, she has also now been signed off from the physiotherapist who has given her some exercises which she doesnt do as often as she should but rather than nag her I have let her have responsibility for her health as in letting her see that she has a choice whether she feels better or not. Its not satisfactory but she is 17 now and I need to back off to enable her to take control. She is seeing a councellor from camhs who she really clicks with and this woman has been our saving grace . Daz - my daughter refused help for over 2 years, saying she didnt need help. It was only when SHE decided she DID need help that she started to improve. She has also said recently that she doesnt like the school environment so I am hoping that college will be another break through for her. The other thing that has really helped is that she has a boyfriend who it appears has had his own issues at school and he is 100% supportive of her. Her confidence has risen significantly and he accepts her completely for who she is. Fingers crossed that the relationship continues for a while!
Daz I can identify with you completely. Reading about your daughter is like reading a post I could have written myself. I truly beleive that they have to WANT to change and when that time comes, and it will, then things will fall into place. I know its so frustrating when things are not going at a pace that we want it to but it all has to be on the childs terms and we simply have to wait until they are ready and just go with the flow until then. Its so hard. But keep faith. My daughter also used to say that if we werent prepared to let her live of us then why did we have her? But now she is talking about getting a job in the summer to earn a bit of cash. Whether she will or not we will see but at least she is thinking about it.
Penny x

Dazza - I am sorry to hear how stressful this is for you. I think also that every relationship has a good cop bad cop person and that is just the way it is but not very helpful in high stress. Taking things away might work for some kids but non of us on here seem to be convinced it does work. My son's pscyhologist doesn't suggest taking away anything but just ensuring that he doesn't get to do lots of 'good' things if he doesn't actually go to school. So kind of punishment in the reverse so that there isn't a reward for staying away from school but no punishment either. They can't help the way they feel.

(The main problem is she is not interested in school work and says she doesn't want a job and expects to stay at home and live off us!!
The main problem with my daughter is that she is happy as she is and doesn't want to change ...)

I wonder if she is not just saying this to cover up her fear of not really knowing how to tackle this? It is a huge thing to try and come to terms with and then find a way forward. There is no quick and easy solution and our kids are looking for that. It takes lots of time and effort and from where they are coming from this is not always easy. CBT has definitely helped my son (like it has helped Sarah's) so you might want to look in the future for this for your daughter if you can afford it go private. We luckily have a Mental health Plan here where you can get a referral from your doctor and get most of the cost back on Medicare.
Best of luck,
Linda

Penny,

Things do sound like they are moving forward for your daughter and good to hear she is working on diet side to see what helps her. It must be very hard to get motivation back when you know you have something that just takes over your whole life. From your point of view probably nothing is moving fast enough but perhaps from her point of view she is taking fairly big steps.
Well done to her for the College interview - and good luck for getting the rest of the preparation before September.
Hopefully the boyfriend will continue to support her and perhaps she will eventually find the motivation for other things in her life.
Good luck - you are doing the best you can.
best wishes,
Linda

Thank you linda, I really appreciate your and everyone elses support. x

Penny x

Had a meeting in school last week which went well despite my daughter refusing to see the tutor since the previous meeting 8 weeks before.

We've agreed to remove Marie from school and homeschool her for her final year iof schooling. I am relieved as this will take some pressure off me and her mum trying in vain to get her to see the tutor in the mornings.

Also Camhs have now withdrawn which was inevitable as Marie was refusing to see them. I will try some CBT with her from now on. She is going out a bit more now, going shopping & to restaurants and was good on holiday in Cyprus in May.

Obviously I am worried about her education and how we can get her to sit her exams.

Any advice out there would be welcome.

Dazza

I bet you feel better. My son is home school as he will be on his last year of education and it is working well. He sat one of his GCSE's the other week and this was taken at home which worked well for all of us, he was relaxed and felt he did well. Not sure if they will do it for his exams next year but would be great if they did.

I know what an enormous strain on parents this all is, but you will get trough it i promise.

Roll on this time next year.

Sarah xx