Hi

Well after 2 weeks of not attending tuition I was dreading this week, but yet again my boy has ovecome his anxiety and managed in yesterday and today, not only that, he had an english nab today and passed, how proud are we, I know tomorrow is another day and we just have to take it as it comes but we are on a high today,

Thanks again Simon for this site and to all my friends for there support, hop today has been a good one for all of you.

Take care
Dorothy x

hi Dorothy,

You must be very proud - and your son of himself. Well done - it must feel good for him.

Glad to report all is well today with my son too. For the first time he went into school late after meltdown. After I also lost the plot out of frustration - I just left him with some bach rescue remedy for both of us to have some space (we both took it!). Luckily he was already dressed for school. He then suggested kicking the ball out the back might help - and it did. Phew.......he said he was very glad he'd gone in and I am SO PROUD of him:-)
Our kids do their best - and they can see how proud we are when they take those steps themselves. We have to take each day as it comes as each day is different.
Easier said than done when faced with the morning dramas!
Take care Dorothy and hope your son has many of those small steps forward.
Linda

Hi again,

It sure is a roller coaster ride! 10 hours later and my son has a bad sore throat (you'd think he was dying, however) and says he can't possibly go in tomorrow.
I did check the throat after thinking he was putting it on (if only we could just take illness in our stride!). Now what to do! I feel almost panicky myself. He can't afford to miss another day this week - and it is also school photo day. I just find myself doubting how bad the sore throat is. Do others find they do this? It's a bit sad really - but so easy to overlook illness amongst the stomach aches and numerous excuses I know. I also know that illness for my son is the start of the real roller coaster. He won't now want to go back for some time.....
So - the high was good whilst it lasted - but now I feel like I've been hit. Should be well prepared after all these years but I am sure you all feel the same - it just knocks the stuffing right out of you when you feel you totally loose that control to get them there. I am very glad today happened so will just have to ride the next wave.
I do hope that your high has lasted a lot longer than mine, Dorothy - you both so much need these steps to move forward. We start CB again next week - regularly for at least 6 weeks with also possible home visits. My ex is dead against medication (I noted your entry on that post) but I am not sure. The medication Monash Uni Research uses is a prozac type which sounds kind of way over the top perhaps but they have found it works with children well and is the least problematic of any anti depressant/anxiety drug. But they say it must be used in conjunction with CB therapy so that the strategies are put in place and a dependency doesn't arise. The beta blockers are not something that comes up over here but I will ask and see what they say. Were there side effects from these tablets?
Sorry this is so long......and I took over your happy post, Dorothy!!
Take care everyone,
Linda

Linda

I really feel for you, I think we all struggle with illness and my boy always says I never beleive him when he says he is ill, unfortunately its hard to determine true illness, I also find that this is the start of a longer time off school and I just have to accept that this is how it is for the length of time it goes on, I know that is not the answer, but as you know my son doesn't go to school anymore and I understand that each time your son is off school its so much harder to get him back in, last time we saw the psycologist she mentioned medication again, but I still don't think I want to go down that route, but as she politely told me, it's not my decision as my son is 15...................we will see.

You take care and remember you are doing the best you can, I am always here for you if you need to chat.

Take care
Dorothy x

Are our school refuser children more susceptible to illness? Do they have a lower pain threshold? Or are they just putting it on?

Certainly, we seem to have a higher level of aches and pains than with our other children, so it is difficult to strike the right balance.

If it were you are I, we would just get on with it, but somehow explaining that to our SR child does not seem to make an impression. I have used the line 'you are much stronger than you were a year ago - maybe you can still go in' or 'maybe you can see how you feel in an hour'.

Simon

Hi all,
Been a while since I posted but things have gone down hill so much, i feel bad for posting more bad news. My son having missed a term and a half last year (year 7) got back to school fulltime and seemed to be loving it. This was with the help of medication and CBT. The first blip appeared in November which was due to his supposed best friend being really nasty to him. It has gone downhill since then. He missed the week before half term as they had exams which he just couldn't face. Had half term last week and has not been in since.......

He came off the medication last summer and we (J included) felt so confident that we could continue with just CBT strategies. It seems my boy is just so sensitive that any emotional upset tips him over the edge. He now thinks that CBT is a waste of time and what is the point of anything as the anxiety is never going away. He now wants to change schools as he wants a fresh start. I had to give up my job last year and am due to start a new one next week. Seems that is now not going to happen.

So, we have put him back on the meds (his choice), we are looking at new schools but have told him that in order to get him into another school he needs to be at school....I have even told him I will home educate him but he doesn't want this. So each day we wait until he feels strong enough to try again. He refuses to do any school work at home with me. I know it is because it is just too overwhelming and reminds him of how much he has missed...

I think it was dorothy who said each time you take a step back, the fall is even harder. I really thought we had beaten this and it is the realisation that this is here for the duration of his schooling that is so hard to take. If I am feeling this devastated, I dread to think how my son feels. I feel so guilty for getting cross with him, getting upset, frustrated (his school are being so fantastic but this doesn't help if I can't get him through the school gates) and mostly, I feel terrible as I cannot give him the education that every child deserves....

Trying to be positive but failing!!
sophy

Hi Sophy,

My heart goes out to you, its such an awful feeling isn't it? Please don't worry too much, my daughter had many times like this, we thought we'd cracked it many times, only for these major blips to come along and knock us for six.

You are doing all the right things. Just try to take the pressure off yourselves at the moment and in time your son will make it back, but it will only be when he feels able to attend and as we know, no amount of pressure will make that happen sooner than he can do it.

I used to worry about the 'lack of education' side of things but as my daughters counsellor told us .... "Education is out there everywhere and at anytime, it doesnt have to be right here, right now".
Those lovely words helped me through the bad times.

Take care, you have both come so far and will continue to do so in time.

Hugs.

Sue and M.

Sophy

My heart goes out to you, you sound as if you are in so much pain, unfortunately I recognise this so much,I have been there, its not a nice place to be but it wasn't till I reached rock bottom that I could start to climb back up, I remember taking my son to school and yet again he couldn't go in, I shouted and ranted and drove of like a bat out of hell, when we got home and I had calmed down my son told me that he thought I was going to kill us both, that was the turning point for me, it made me realise that I needed help, but i also realised then that my son would never go back to school. I got the help I needed and in turn helped me find the strength to go on and help my son, as you know he now goes to our local education centre for 3 hours tuition a week, not ideal but better than what we had, yes we still have backward steps and yes the fall is so much harder, but on the whole its ok. Is it possible for your son to be educated outwith school?

Sorry for going on and on, but your wellbeing and your sons wellbeing has to come first, education can come later.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi all,

My son wants to go to school. He has a sports scholarship for a private school and they are bending over backwards for us. I think it is a friend issue here with my son and I think there is a bit of envy at play re the sports scholarship and one boy just keeps telling him he is crap even though he obviously isn't. Kids can be vicious and J just can't cope with it.

As we are in the private school system, I haven't had to deal with our LEA. Although his school did inform the EWO about J last year but as we were getting help privately (thank god for medical insurance) they did not want to get involved....I wonder why!!!

So whilst my son tells me he just needs a new start, the state schools where I am in London are terrible with gangs and police outside the gates at the end of the school day - just can seem him dealing with that. So I have to look at other private schools which means I need to get back to work to pay for it. I think the scholarship initially was a blessing but has turned out to be a huge pressure for my son...

So catch 22....I hope, that by next monday, my son will feel better and want to try again. I know that once he is through the gate, he will be fine as he has done it before. Or am I just dreaming???

Thank you everyone, sharing really does help

sophyxx
I

Hi Sophy,

It is just so hard, isn't it!? I do feel for you as it seems so difficult at the moment with your son just not going in at all. I agree with the others re education but sometimes its hard to remind ourselves, isn't it? I also think Dorothy is right -sometimes we have to hit rock bottom and then gain help for ourselves to gain the strength to help us and our children move forward.
Sophy - what is the medication your son takes?
I just feel so sad that my son has not had one good year at Primary school and I really think he needs to experience something completely different otherwise secondary school is going to be impossible for him and I will be where you are now. I think the medication and CB together might be the way to go and by what you say it seems that was at least working for some time.
And Simon - I was thinking your thoughts exactly this morning. My son does have a bad sore throat and a temperature - but it is as if he is dying. And I then started to wonder about whether they can tell the difference either between 'real' illness and the SR illness? My son seems to be so sensitive to pain of any kind and is also sensitive to noise - so seems highly sensitive to everything. Oh and not to mention highly sensitive to taking panadol for temperature or anything else to help - it is as if I am poisoning him. So yes Simon- perhaps SR kids are extra sensitive to pain.
I know how exhausted you must feel Sophy.
Thanks everyone for listening to me too - and Dorothy - I do understand that drive home you had. I felt like I was physically going to really hurt my son at some stage in the morning yesterday- I felt so incredibly angry because I just felt I couldn't cope with this any more. I scared myself and felt so bad afterwards. Yet things turned around. And today is another day even if my son is actually ill. No two days are alike with SR.
Take care everyone - and sorry I don't have any advice re schools Sophy - it is hard to know what to do. Sometimes SR goes with them to the new school and sometimes it doesn't. Thinking of you -
Linda

Pat on the back and a big ole' hug!

My girl got the truancy because when she said she wasnt feeling good I took her to the doctors. After almost 20 consecutive days in a row of doctors test and appointments thats when the truancy in court happened. It doesnt matter here if you have a doctors note or not. So now when shes sick...she has to go to the nurses at school and then get their approval that shes really sick. Again though, they put her in an anxiety allieviating class, with her going for 4 hours a day instead of a full day. So far everythings good...A big part of the problem is like when she doesnt feel good my feelings as a mother were...oh wow...what should I do..now I say...go...try...and if school calls then yes I will be there with bells on. Until then...go and be strong...
Her confidence is getting to a normal (whatever that means) level and shes dealing with her anxiety with the tools shes been given with her therapist.. Anxiety is what we have as parents..Scared is what the kids have...(My personel opinion) Im stronger now and stick to my guns and shes feeling that vibe off me...so stay strong and confident and know that your doing the right things. Kids really do copy what the parents project...I'm learning.....its hard...but it's working...
So much good luck to you

That is good to hear, Bonnie. I read with interest your note about us as parents. I have noticed some difference depending on how I am handling the situation. I know someone else on here also recommended CB therapy for the parents. I hope to try that myself soon.
Linda

My girls therapist is one that either comes to the house or we go to the office...she comes here mostly and she is a family therapist also..kinda all-in-one...She has been extremely helpful with supporting me and my feelings too...and she has given me the strength to say....I know shes anxious but...she IS ok...and the school has a phone if need be...so with all the assurances Im also feeling more confident...I believe that any help is good help...I dont know but it is working....

Hi Bonnie,

Looks like I had better book in for the CB therapy for myself soon - even just counselling to off load my stress. I try not to offload onto friends too often or family as I am sure they are all sick of those type of conversations.
Yes - any help is usually good - but sometimes it is not quite the right approach. I have had good and not so good help in the past for my son.
All the best -
Linda