So good to know I'm not the only one experiencing a total lack of support and understanding.

I am on the point of a breakdown with the amount of stress this is causing at home just can't seem to stop crying and its really beginning to affect my work.

My son is 12 and has been refusing to attend school since September, he suffers major panic attacks if I try and make him, he is very clearly distressed, tears, shaking but he also lashes out due to his frustration and I am regularly subjected to swearing, hitting and kicking.

The school have provided little support and only organised a meeting to discuss the situation when I turned up in the assistant headteachers office in tears, they havn't rung home once even though we informed of the problem in the first week.The outcome of meeting with ed psy (who has never met my son) and assistant headteacher was to ask gp for a referal. After months of chasing got an appointment in December with psychiatrist who advice was 'insist he goes' or give him Prozac!

So spent several distressing weeks dragging him into school library and leaving him there for lenghtening periods of time as a start to reintegrating him only to have assisstant headteacher ring me up and ask me to collect him because he couldn't spend any more time on this problem!!! They also failed to provide work for him even though I made repeated requests.

So in desparation scraped together some money to enrol him in a small local private school thinking this would be less threatening. He was up for it and after a rocky first day he did manage four whole days!! But then disaster one lesson where he felt uncomfortable with teacher who was not very understanding last Monday and he is refusing again, I am at my wits end what now!!

Has anyone tried hypnotherapy? Is there different treatment I could access through my gp?

Feeling really desparate the stress is causing breakdown of relationship with my husband....

Hi Sarah,

My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel with the stress.
As you will see from posts on this forum - most schools do not seem to understand the problem.
I would recommend you find a psychologist who does Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for Anxiety. This is an anxiety issue and getting a diagnosis from your doctor, psychologist or paediatrician might help the schools to take you and your son seriously. My son is 11 and although we still have a rocky road- there has been a significant difference in his attitude to helping himself work through with me since starting cognitive behaviour therapy. You mention a psychiatrist. Unfortunately they tend to go down the medication road and are not so much in favour of CB therapy or counselling. You may have noticed I sent a question to the forum regarding medication. I have talked it over with my son's cognitive behaviour therapist and she says she feels we should try more CB therapy first as he will need that anyway. Even if he does go on medication - he needs strategies to help him cope and change his negative thought patterns.
Your son needs this too.
Don't be too alarmed by your son's aggression when he has a meltdown about going - this was how my son was until CB therapy. The anger comes from their frustration and not feeling understood.
I know it is not easy - but try 'stepping back' alittle from the guilt and trauma and see your son for who he is. Allow him to see he has you on his side and that you know that what he feels in a morning about going to school is real. If he has someone on his side it will help him if he later becomes depressed due to the pressure. I am sure it puts stress on your relationship with your husband - it puts extreme stress on all households. My ex husband puts so much pressure back on me as he blames me for being too soft and has no sympathy with my son as he believes he is putting it all on just to stay home as he feels more comfortable at home.
If you can get your son diagnosed - and find all the information you can on the Internet about School Refusal (and some books are also listed on the forum under resources) and then present your son's teacher and the head teacher and whoever else should be involved with this information - they might sit up and listen. It has taken me several years - but the school now does understand this is for real.
Sorry this is so long - but in summary - find a Cognitive Behaviour therapist- they do wonders with anxiety. Children a bit older than ours might benefit better but our kids are still ok to take this on.
I guess bullying isn't the cause if you just changed schools? Sounds much more like anxiety as it went with him between schools.
See how you go - and do keep in touch - we know the terrible stress - it certainly takes its toll on us - but we need to also remain strong so help our children. Try seeking some CB therapy yourself or general counselling (your husband might benefit from this too) but certainly don't blame each other!!!
Feel free to talk to us on the forum any time and ask advice. Stay in touch.
Linda

Sarah,

I am pleased that you have found us. I get a lot of support from others here, and I am sure you will too.

I am going to state the obvious - we have to be strong for our children. Share your anger, frustration, pain and stress with us. It helps us be more supportive of our children who are also stressed, hurt and angry.

I used to work for an organisation that provided counselling. Did I try it? No! But my support comes from others here. As a result, I think I am calmer when dealing with stressful moments.

Linda's advice in CBT is worth serious consideration.

They will all be bored with this bit of advice, but I am going to share it anyway. Keep a diary; keep copies of all correspondence; ask for minutes of meetings you attend, or take them yourself and share them. You need to be able to keep ahead of the game, not find yourself on the back foot.

We are all with you, your child and your husband on this one, Sarah.

Hi Sarah,

Welcome!

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time, sadly it goes with the territory but you will find great support on here, this site has saved my life many times, we’ve all been there and know exactly how you feel.

I just wanted to say that I agree with everything that’s been said so far, especially when it comes to accepting your son as he is. We cannot make our children the same as others, no matter how hard we try, they have anxieties others do not feel or understand.

My daughter and I had many battles over going in to school, I tried everything as we all have and it was only when I accepted the situation and let her know that I was on her side, that things improved a little. I stopped trying to make her the same as others and worked towards getting the help that was right for her and her situation.

It was still tough and we had to fight the ‘professionals’ every step of the way but after 5 years of hardly attending school, my daughter now attends college and loves it! I am not trying to sound smug, I just wanted to let you know that you will get through this, just take it one day at a time and as Simon says … make notes!

Hugs.

Sue and M.

Sarah

Welcome, I've only a few points to add to the other replies, I tried hypnotherapy with my son but it didn't work, I also took my son into school every day and left him in the support base, the only thing that did was cause even more stress for my son and myself, you have a long road ahead of you but you will find so much support on this site, unfortunately we are now four years down that road and i wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my friends on this site, hope it helps you too.

Take care
Dorothy x

from one Sarah to another - hi and welcome. Well i don't think i can say anymore than has already been said, except to say CBT is absolutely wonderful, it has made a huge difference to my son over the past few weeks, but i know he will never ever go back to school and i won't put him through that pain again. I have yet another meeting on the 29th March where i want my sons funding transfered to a home tutor - or to enable him to go to the tuition centre.

I do know where you are and it is the most awful place but it will get better and you will get stronger - we are all here for you, these guys have been my best friends for so long now - helping when times have been bad and supporting me in my meetings with advise.

Keep posting and let us know how it's going.

Love Sar xx

Well another Monday comes & goes, he did at least got dressed and went into the school building without too much fuss but couldn't quite make it to class, so I suppose that is progress.

Thanks to all who replied to my post it helps to know I'm not alone.

sarahx

That's good news Sarah!

Small steps ..... it's the only way to go.

(They are small steps to us but giant strides for our youngsters)

Take care.

Sue & M.

Sarah - that is excellent news, as Sue said small steps one at a time.

Stay strong

Sar xx

Hi Sarah

I am so sorry to hear you are having such an awful time. Your story sounds so similar to mine. My son is 13 and currently in year 9. He has just started a course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), we are having to pay privately because the NHS just have no sense of urgency and do not realise the stress you are under every day. He has only had 4 sessions and although I don't want to get too excited, things have improved over the past couple of weeks. He did four whole days last week and has been in Mon/Tues this week. I don't expect it to be a cure all, but it has definitely given him an idea of how his anxiety works and how he can begin to manage it. We have also had 2 sessions of family therapy where we discuss how I can help him when he is anxious. You are certainly not alone with getting no help from your son's school. I have had a letter from my son's headmaster last week telling me that I am not allowed to ask for any more help getting him into school in the mornings. Very few people, even teachers actually understand about anxious school refusal. So I can't promise that CBT is for everybody, but at the moment it seems to be a positive treatment for my son.

Anne

Dear all,

Its been a pretty hard week, he hasn't even made it out of the house since Monday. The sad thing is he likes the new school and wants to go there, its small and friendly and the headteacher is very understanding, (unlike the attitude of staff at the local comprehensive) but he just can't face it. All my husband does is moan about the money we have spent getting him a place there - this is the least of my worries!!

We have been trying to sort out CBT but the progress is slow, as you said Anne the NHS have no sense of urgency.

Suggestions anyone on how to get a referral or find a private therapist? We live in North East London and can't seem to find anyone local.

sarah

Hi Sarah

Anxiety Action, there are a national organisation and send you regular updates. I regisstered with them last year and they also sort out CBT and are very good - well worth a try.

Sar xx

Hi Sarah,

I used to work for a Counselling Foundation and if anyone asked for a therapist/counsellor, we would direct them to B.A.C.P. British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapist. You can google their site, its full of information and contact numbers.

Good luck!

Hugs.

Sue and M.

Hi all

Its been a long time, a year has passed and my son has not managed a day in school in fact he is not registered anywhere since we relocated to the South Coast so at least we are not being pusued by the authorities.

We have tried CBT and family therapy which have improved his confidence but school is still a big obstacle which worries me as he should be starting GCSEs in September.

I have given up work and have been attempting to home school but its hard to motivate my son and he often refuses to co-operate. He just seems to want to sleep all day especially since puberty kicked in.

The truth is he doesnt want to be taught by his mum and would dearly love to start school again. We visited a nice school which he liked and he was supposed to go back for a taster day but just couldn't do it.

I feeling very isolated as we only moved here a month ago, sometimes its just so hard because people not in this situation just don't understand but I know that people who use this site do and that makes me feel better.

Sarah C

hi Sarah C
a year later - know the feeling. Don't let it get you down. You're trying to do your best for your son and being hard on yourself only makes it tougher, myself and others who post here know this only too well.
I'm sorry your son hasn't made it to school and it sounds like a good place with a good and understanding head. Rare these days mores the pity.

Keep up the homeschooling if you can, every little helps. My daughter is 17 and hasn't been in school in 18 months, but isn't willing or able to attempt work at home. I had to leave that part go for the time being as the stress was too much, and not achieving anything in the long run.

Sorry for rambling. Post here anytime, you are not alone, the support here is second to none.

Virginia

Hi Sarah C,

You are till hanging in there! What a lot of stress for you, as well as moving house. Come on here any time and chat so that you don't have to feel isolated.
Even in familiar territory we can feel isolated - not many understand.

My son also never seems motivated to do work at home. As Virginia has also experienced, the motivation to work with parents is not always there. What about on-line learning? A few of us posted links to on-line learning sites - or is that what you are doing?

I am glad the CBT helped your son's confidence as that is a step forward. Sometimes it is a maturity thing as well that helps with CBT, and by that I also mean an understanding that what they have is not something that is magically going to disappear. My son still struggles to be bothered doing the suggestions given by his psychologist, however, so although there is a level of acceptance, they are still kids and want to just hope everything falls into place.

Does he still have any connection with friends from your old home town? Does he have high computer skils? Can he design something in photoshop that you and others can use - cards - notices - webpages - for a local newsletter/sporting newsletter? I am just thinking off the top of my head here for giving him something worthwhile whilst at home - These days we have to tap into their technology somehow and improving their skills in actual programs and not just via computer games could be of great benefit later on, even if they have missed a lot of schooling. Could he design a webpage for someone?

Stay in touch - we are here any time for you and hope you start to feel you can move forward, whether it be with home schooling or re entering the school. Do you think he would go to the school for a short time initially - and then build up the hours?
Take care - and treat yourself to something for all the hard work you have put in : )
Linda