Hi,

I know we all go through this - the steps forward and then steps backwards but I just worry sometimes about my own sanity and health. My son didn't get to school today (its been over two weeks). The school wants to set up a meeting with our CB therapist but I notice they said they needed to show they were doing something. This is the attitude from schools I think - that somehow the parents just have to sort it out themselves and cope and manage the situation and schools need to fill in the paperwork to say they have done step 1 and 2 and all they can. Individual teachers might work on ways to help - but overall - its like a close door.
Maybe this will be a good thing but I don't like meetings with the school as I feel kind of a bit helpless. Do others find this? I certainly don't find myself waltzing in there with assertiveness and telling them the situation etc. Whenever I have had a meeting I find myself quite subdued. Is this how worn down we all feel? How is this effecting our health and mental well being? I know a few of you on here talk of the despair too and how you feel you can't go on this way. But what helps us to gain the strength that we need to keep having this go on and on? Penny - was it you who mentioned you had had CB therapy yourself? Did you talk about 'you' or how to deal with your daughter? What is the kind of help we need? I just feel a bit lost in it all sometimes and find when I have had sessions with the CB therapist on my own we talk about strategies to help my son but not strategies to help me just cope on a daily basis with the incredible uncertainty.
I know CB therapy is helping my son - otherwise he would be a lot worse- but it doesn't mean it is not a continuous rocky road and taking away my own self confidence.
For those of you who work from home like myself or are at home - what do you do when your son/daughter stays home? Do you feel you are in limbo? Any suggestions appreciated.
Hope everyone else is having an ok week,
Linda

Linda,
I have a friend who is normally confident and assertive. She had real problems with her son in school (not a refuser) and often found herself in the headteacher's office. It reminded her of her school days, and how she responded when summoned to her headteacher's office. She just could not get herself out of this mentality and would sit there subdued.

This is easy to say, but putting it into action is not so easy: We just need to get ourselves into a business frame of mind. Have clear goals in mind; be prepared and up to date with what has been happening.

We recently had a teachers meeting for our youngest daughter, and I did not go prepared, and now we are struggling to find the words to write a follow up letter!

Take care,

Simon

Sanity - now there is a word !! I have - at the moment come out of the other side with my SR son with regards to worrying as he is settled with his tutor and is now home educated ( he is in the kitchen now working away with her ) and we have a huge CAF meeting in a couple of weeks. I have sat in many a meeting and just sobbed and felt quite pathetic, but my attitude towards this meeting is - i know what i want and i am not going to settle until i get it, and that is because i have the backing of alot of professionals so the confidence is sky high at the moment. I am not going to let my son go back to school - been there done that and it won't work so we are going to make the most of what we have now.

Well saying that - son no2 is showing signs - or is that just me reading too much into things - the feelings never go away.

With regards to health - yes i think this has suffered because your whole life is consumed with SR. I have taken a month off to sort everything out.

Love to all

Sar x

Hi Linda,

Our CB therapist came into my son's school with me and was fantastic. She basically explained what anxiety was, how to deal with a panic attack and put in to play procedures for my son if he felt he wasn't coping. But she is a force to be reckoned with and all his teachers just sat there not daring to say a word. it was such a relief to be able to hand it all over to her. And Simon is right, i definitely feel like I am back at school when i go there.. So go for it - it makes a change to have someone on your side...

With regard to sanity and health, it is so hard. My son is currently home after his horrible bullying situation and we are trying to find a new school for him which is so stressful as he is going to have to take tests etc. I have lost half a stone and feel so anxious all the time. Our therapist is constantly telling me that I have to say strong and that I am part of the dynamic but it is hard not to be when you are in the house with him 24 / 7. I don't like to leave him for long as he gets so down and I am trying to work from home but am not managing to actually do any work. I have given up with my friends for the time being as they just don't get it. And my son has a reason for once for not going to school - bullying but they think I should just put him back there.....

Now of course I am worrying about will he be able to cope with the next school? Is his school refusal this time really just down to the bullying??? Our therapist has told me if he gets a good 6 week start, he should be fine...Also, she says my husband should take him to school initially which makes me feel even more useless..

I don't know how, but we just manage some how don't we?

sophy

Linda

Sorry to hear that you are feeling this bad, I used to go into meetings and sit and cry all the way through them, as you may have read on our site, about a year and a half ago I had a breakdown, was off work for three months and had to take anti depressants, I think you have to reach rock bottom before you can start to climb back up again, I had to stay on medication for six months, but came out the other side a much stronger person, one of my son's teachers commented at one meeting that I seemed so much stronger than before, I told her that I had to fight my son's corner because no one else could, yes there are still days when I really struggle but, I bounce back so much quicker than I ever did before. I do go out to work but usually work most weekends so that I can be home with my son, he doesn't go to scholl anymore but does go to education centre three hours a week, on the days that he can he does woek that his tutors have given him, when he is really stressed then he doesn't manage any work at all, those days I let him watch tv or just chill, its not ideal but I feel I would be adding to his stress by trying to force him to concentrate on school work. Hope this helps you, even a small bit.

Take care
Dorothy x

Thanks everyone - your comments help. My son refused again this morning but as I was booked in to see the CB therapist then we will both go.
I am certainly not handling this too well at the moment but as you all say - it does get this bad sometimes. I also can't work at home - I can't concentrate when my son is home as I am feeling so anxious myself.
I have not told my ex that he has not gone - should I have? Last time he just forced him and blamed me. But the guilt eats at me.
My son has not managed CB for some time - she was booked out then he refused to see her so I had the sessions. I so desperately want him to start having the regular CB like last time and start getting into a routine.
I will take the advice re the meetings - and be prepared and also let the CB therapist do the talking. Do I invite his dad along? I just seem to never know which way to go these days.
Thanks again - I'll somehow hang on.
Linda

Linda,

I have the same issues with my husband, but it improve when he came to some of the therapy sessions. He now understands anxiety better but I know underneath he blames me. This morning my son was supposed to spend a day at a possible new school but he refused to go. I know it is not the right school for him but we both agreed it would be good practise for when he got called in to one of the schools he does like. My husbands response was 'I've had enough, not interested any more' - Charming....I know he doesn't mean it and he is hugely stressed about it and has to go to work etc etc but it doesn't help just increased my and my son's anxiety levels. Can you get your ex to have a session with the CB therapist so that he can learn about your son's anxiety and get a better understanding?

sophy

Hi Linda,
Yes it was me that had CBT therapy. It was a 5 week course, 2 hrs per week in a group situation. No one had to disclose anything personal unless they wanted to. There were about 10 of us there who all had quite different 'anxiety' issues ranging from a fear of dogs to fear of uncertainty about the future (that was me). I couldn't cope with the fact of not knowing how things were going to turn out for my daughter in the future. I wanted someone to tell me the date, place and time when things would be much much better and 'normal'. But of course no one can do that . Thats the bit I couldnt accept. During the sessions we were taught how to reduce our anxiety in a step by step manner. There were various techniques that we were shown and we were given homework each week, usually a work sheet where we would enter a scenario and then break it down step by step until the 'problem/worry' was no longer ruling our thoughts. I can now reduce my anxiety down to a more acceptable level in a very short space of time. No it doesnt cure my daughter of fibromyalgia, No it doesnt make her go to school. No it doesnt change the situation. What has changed, is how I deal with it, how I react and repond. I couldnt see any future for any of us, Couldn't see the point of carrying on, didn't want a life like this for any of us. But now I have learnt how to not be so consumed by everything, not worry about the future, just try to live in the present and deal with things day by day.
If you get a chance to try CBT, see it through to the end. At the first couple of sessions I couldnt see how it would work for me but suddenly something clicked and I can highly recommend it. I would love my daughter to do CBT but you have to want to do it and at the moment she is not willing to change. It is safer for her to stay the same - change is scary. But when she's ready I will be able to point her in the right direction.
Penny x

Hi Penny - it's Sarah

Good for you and i think CBT would do me good as my moods are so up and down with it all. With regards to your daughter and CBT can they not do it at home where she is secure ? My son has his at home and he absolutley loves his sessions - the therapist is so funny and makes the sessions fun - and boy what a difference it's made to him.

Anyone thinking about it i would recommend registering with anxiety action - very supportive and they sorted out the sessions for me.


love Sar x

Hi Sarah,
Home visits through Camhs is a no no. We have asked and been declined. The counsellor she sees is very good with her and has reduced her anxiety about going to the camhs building. She is working very slowly with my daughter. My daughter will not be pushed, conjoled or do anything that she does not want to do. The counsellor is aware of this and is being very careful not to rush her so that she will put the barriers up. Maybe in time she will introduce CBT, or maybe she is doing some subtley with her now. I will leave it to her judgement. As I said before everything must be on my daughters terms. Its a long, slow ride. She has another appt with her at the end of March. Fingers crossed that she attends. If not, I have to accept that on the day and deal with it then.
BTW my GP set up my CBT through an NHS therapist that is linked with our surgery so that was a bonus being free!
I have also significantly reduced my working hours and that has given me time for healing myself too. The loss of money has an impact but we are managing and I am happier in myself.

Penny x

I know it is awful that we go through this but I have found some comfort in reading about how you feel the same. Yesterday I broke down crying and then my son cried and we just hugged each other. If it wasn't for the dog licking us all over - we would have gone on like that much longer. I just thought how awful it was that life had come to this when outside the sun was shining but we couldn't enjoy it.
Today I still didn't get him to school - so it has been three weeks and for us that is the most it has been in a row. He did see the CB therapist yesterday but maybe today was too soon to go back after that. My ex and I nearly had a complete fall out via email so I suggested he ring the CB therapist and that seemed to have worked. He took the day off today and came over and for the first time just told my son he knew he felt awful and he would take small steps and not drag him. He has taken him out for a kick of the ball. Getting my son dressed was a big step to do this seeing he does not trust his father - so perhaps we are moving forward already but it is very hard to see. I have a thumping headache from the stress.

Our income relies on begging the government for at least some payment as I just can't work as this is all too unpredictable and trying to do some work from home that one day might bring in some income. We manage but I count every penny these days. I just want my son back...I just want to get out of the house myself! I am feeling like I am him - the anxiety levels are way to high. I do take anti depressants as they were prescribed to keep my migraine at bay (doubtful they do) but they are helpful in keeping my anxiety more even during this time. I never ever thought I'd end up like this - it feels like my life was whipped away from underneath me and I am only part of my former self.
I guess like we always all tell each other - tomorrow is another day and who knows what is round the corner. Thank you for all being there and listening to my far too long posts on this forum!!
All the best to everyone else
Linda

Ok, I am ignorant...can somebody please tell me what CBT is?

Sounds like a therapy...or therapist...? We in US have home based or office based therapy.....home is the norm..the therapist comes to your house to put everyone at ease in their homeplace, and also the entire family has to attend to learn how to deal and cope...Its not just for the child it is the entire family....

I find myself confused trying to understand the abbreviations...SR...CAF?? etc...

trying to see "the big picture"

Sorry Bonnie - CBT = Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.
I used to ask lots of these questions too as the UK system has different acronyms than over here - so feel free to ask the forum any time.
Linda

Just to say thanks to Simon, Sarah T, Sophy, Dorothy, Penny and anyone else who replied to this post when I was feeling so down. Our CB therapist is keen to meet the school and sounds like she will take the lead. I ended up telling my ex to stop falling out with me and talk to the CB therapist instead. He listened to her and came round and talked to and accepted my son which really helped.
I got him finally to school at 11.30 today (it was difficult and he nearly didn't make it but I am SO proud of him).
He came home saying he was glad he had finally broken through the barrier. So we went from rock bottom to making it through....for the moment - and I really do treasure this moment.
Thanks again for being here -you have all become very valuable friends and I hope I am able to offer my support when things get on top of any of you too.
Linda

I am so glad your son made it into school today, it must be such a relief. Now that he feels he has broken through a barrier, let's hope he has some more good days.

Anne

Fantastic news Linda and well done to your son too. I hope you both have a super weekend.
Linda, there is always someone on here for you. Please keep posting.

Penny x

Oh that is such good news Linda!

Well done to both of you.

You are a great mum!

Keep smiling!

Sue and M.