I can't believe I've just found this website! My 14 year old daughter has been a "refuser" on and off for the last six months or so, but is currently in her second full week of no school. I knew our family was not alone with this problem, but to read some of the posts on here is incredible. It's like reading my own story over and over again. She is a very bright girl, but the problem seems to have stemmed from a falling out with her group of friends shortly before breaking up last summer. She had a few days out of school, but returned in September fairly well. However, every week she had a day or two off with a headache, stomach ache, etc. Since Christmas it has become many days off. We have had a meeting with the Education Welfare Officer, who was quite understanding but suggested we go to our GP and CAMHS, which we have done. Since our first meeting at CAMHS it has got worse. Her Dad and I are very stressed and it is putting a great deal of pressure on our relationship. We are trying to keep it all together, but it's ****ed hard!! I will show him this website tonight and maybe he will be able understand her a bit more. Thanks I will be back on telling you how we get on.

Welcome to the forum, Heather and I am glad that you do not have to feel alone.
This forum has been a saviour for me as I felt so isolated beforehand. Even though I am in Australia, the distance has not made any difference - I feel close to everyone on here because we go through the same thing and there are some really supportive people on here. I cannot thank Simon enough for setting up this site.
Hoping the forum can continue to support you through this - it certainly isn't easy and if your husband is reading this - he might see the trauma we all go through.
I hope he can understand somewhat sooner than my ex husband who seems to have only just understood that my son really does suffer physical symptoms from the severe anxiety and that he cannot help how he feels.
Cognitive Behaviour therapy does seem to help most of our kids in some way and from what we have read recently on the forum, it is pretty important that the parents also have some kind of counselling or are at least involved in the Cognitive Behaviour (CB) therapy. As parents we need lots of support as this is a terribly frustrating time for all involved - and your daughter. She needs the support from both of you and to know you both do understand her and will help in whatever way you can.
Good luck, stay in touch and hopefully we can all help each other.
Best wishes,
Linda

Hi Heather,

I've just stopped by to say hello and welcome!

This site has saved my life many times (thank you Simon). I've made so many friends and gained so much help from others on here.

It seems that every area is different in their approach to school refusers but its good to hear how others deal with things and the directions they take. My daughter didn't attend school for almost 5 years but we fought and found ways around it and with a little home tutoring she managed to gain enough GCSE's to get in college, which she loves, so there is hope, your daughter will get there, she may just go along a different route to others.

Our children are bright and very capable, they just have anxieties others do not have or understand. Just try to accept your daughter as she is, she is not like others who can attend school easily, dont try and make her fit in. Once you do that things will become easier, you have a tough road to travel but we are here to help.

Take care, you are not alone.

Hugs.

Sue and M.

Hi Heather.

Welcome to our club. We may not have all the answers but the support you will get will be fantastic. You say you are in week 2 of refusing this time, 6 months on and off i think you have a chance of sorting this out i really don't think it's too late unlike my son.

Simon will tell you when he reads this to keep records of everything, meetings telephone calls anything as you may need it later - i have diaries files and lots of them.

To say it is stressful is the understatement of the year, and it took my a long time to understand why my son refused but i do now realise and it makes it far easier to support him.

We are in our fourth year now, my son is nearly 15 and it's been a long road but you will survive and you will be a stronger person for it believe you me.

I have cried and cried, shouted the lot, it doesn't make any difference our children can't help it and need our support. It is not the end of the world but at the moment it probably seems like it, but it isn't i promise.

I know my son will never go back to school and that is fine, he has a tutor and is studying for his GCSE's. His tutor is an ex teacher from the school and she said that school doesn't fit all.

My son has really suffered, he has anxiety which manifested into school refusal, became aggraphobic daily multiple panic attacks, but with CBT he is recovering very well. He will always have anxieties i know that but we can learn to cope.

Please stay strong, and keep posting.

Sar xx

Thanks to Linda, Sue and Sarah - your replies have made me feel so much stronger, but a bit tearful at the same time. It really has made a difference to know that other people feel the same and are going through the same situation, albeit in our own different ways. So many comments I have read are just like my experience - my daughter's mentor at school (who she can't stand!) has commented that she doesn't appear to have anything wrong with her when she has made it into school. She also emailed me to say that we should look at our own consciences as to whether we were doing the right thing be allowing her to stay home etc. and that we must be stronger and insist Alex goes to school. I was so incensed, I couldn't believe what she was saying - I thought that they would be more understanding, after all they must see this happen fairly often, but she was very off hand. I had been copying in her tutor, her mentor, head of year, EWO et al when I advised the school that she wouldn't be attending, but I now just advise the attendance office. I feel that the school can't be bothered, they just want their numbers to read well, and the boxes ticked. I do have another meeting next week with the EWO at the school, but I don't know at this moment in time if my daughter will be able to come with me. Does anyone know if she has to be there, or will they just deal with me? My original EWO has been off sick for weeks and I am due to meet a different one. I'm going to try to see if she will go in on Monday, but I'm not holding my breath.

Thanks again for making me feel so welcome, I just feel that at last I've found people that understand, that I'm not the only mother in the world who feels dreadful most of the time, but love my daughter and support her all the way.

Heather - what you have to realise is they don't understand and that is the problem, and they don't want the problem to be school, and yes they want to hit their targets.

They have absolutley no idea what we as parents go though every day - we also want our kids go to school and educated and fit in we don't enjoy the situation one bit.

If your daughter goes with you to the meeting great, if she doesn't then you must still go - show themyou are doing everything you can.

Take care

Sar x

Hi Heather
I agree with Sarah, whether your daughter goes to the meeting or not, you must go to show that you are complying with them and that you are doing everything you can to get your daughter into school. Very few people, including teachers understand and have patience with anxiety in children, but if you can get the EWO on your side and make her understand the situation she may be a help.

Anne

Hi Heather,

Sorry that you had to find us - but glad that you have. There's lots of advice and support here so keep in touch.

Penny x

Hi Heather,

I agree with everything Sarah has said. The 'professionals' always wanted my daughter to attend meetings too, which is mad really, considering the meetings were held in the school and that was exactly what my daughter couldnt do ...... go to school! doh!

Try to get your daughter there, (dont get too stressed about it though)let her know you are on her side but if she can't make it, just go yourself. Its all about proving you are doing all you can to resolve the situation.

Stay strong, you can do this!

Hugs

Sue and M.

Heather

Welcome to our forum, I think one of the most consistent things you will read, is what you have said your self, 'its like reading your own storry over and over again' this is so true, but you will receive tremendous support here and there will always be people here who have gone through and are going through what you are going through.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Heather - sorry to hear about your daughter, we have been there so know what its like. From personal experience I wouldnt insist your daughter goes to the meeting with the EWO (unless she wants to go), make sure you take someone with you, your husband, family member or a friend, never go to any meeting alone. Write down what you want to talk about and take notes on what you discuss. Hopefully she will be helpful and understanding (which is what you would expect her to do) unfortunately that is not always the case. Please could you tell me what age your daughter is and where you live? Take care, good luck Maureen.

Thanks to everyone for your messages of support and advice. The meeting is next Monday, so it will depend what happens this week whether my daughter decides to come along. She hasn't gone today, but says she will ry tomorrow. On Wednesday this week we have a meeting at CAMHs in the afternoon, so I may see if I can get her to go to school in the morning, as I can pick her up at lunchtime legitimately. Maureen, she is 14 in year 9, and we live in South Bucks. I will keep you up to speed with how we get on.

thanks again, Heather

Heather - yes please let us know how you get on- and if you need support in the meantime just post.

We also have our big meeting next week - Tuesday and there are going to be 12 professionals represented oooh can't wait i am so ready for it - but it will be a biggy.

Stay strong

Sar xx

Good luck Heather and Sarah T.....be prepared with your notes and thoughts that we will all be thinking of you. Let us know how the meetings go.
Linda