hi my name is donna,i have a13yr old son who has had problems going to school since he was 9 before that he had bad attendance due to severe migraines .then i found out he was being bullied the school were crap soi moved him in yr6.he had avery happy six months at new school.Then he went to secondary school was bullied again school wouldnt listen so i deregistered him.I taught him at home for 7month then i found asmaller school as he cant cope in big classes.He went for three weeks ,mornings only.then he started sufferings panic attacks and was very anxious in the mean time camhs had referred him to be assessed due to his social problems.thet was going to take 12 month so i paid privately to get him assessed for aspergers.the report said he wasnt!!!!!so they sent him to the local centre for kids who have been excluded from mainstream school.He attended there for three month and then he was threatened by aboy .since then he will not go in .he is being sent work to do but i feel so let down as he is very bright he has 1 gcse already.we are waiting for him to be assessed again.i would teach him at home again but he needs to be with other kids of his own age,but finds it very hard to get on with his peers.after reading lots of messages on this forum i realise he is not alone.he does get very upset and says he doesnt want to behave like this but once hes so upset and anxious you cant reason with him.he suffers with sleeping problems too.he was on melatonin for sleeping but wont take it now.i personally think he has aspergers slightly anyway!!!oh and abit of adhd he can be very hyper.so glad to get this off my chest i even went to a parenting course for 12 weeks as they seem to think i am aparanoid mother .i have looked after kids for 29yrs.i know he is entitled to an education but camhs says that he doesnt fit into any of the boxes lol if you have got this far well done ant advice would be appreciated

Hi Donna and welcome.
It certainly does seem to be a lot more common than the community realises.
I am from Australia so am not able to give you specific advice perhaps regarding Uk but we are all in this together and know what you are going through.
You may have noticed from other postings of mine that Cognitive Behaviour Therapy has helped my son and has also helped others on here. He still misses some school but he still manages eventually to get back. Our kids do all seem to be bright and although in many cases appear like other kids, perhaps fit on some kind of sliding spectrum but it is not always a straight forward diagnosis which is why the schools expect them to just turn up. Good luck and stay in touch as there is lots of support on here.
Best wishes,
Linda

thankyou linda i have been asking for cbt for over a yr now they said he wasnt ready for cbt,he should be getting assessed again then they will decide if they will give it to him.i had achat with my son last night and explained that he wasnt the only one .thanks again will keep reading ...

Hi Donna,

Welcome to the site.
Your son most definately isnt the only one with SR, there are lots of us out here.
I paid for my daughter to have cbt privately and although it helped with her confidence, it didnt manage to get her back to school for long, SR continued to raise it head and eventually she couldnt attend school at all. She is nearly 17 and continues to write her feelings in a notebook, something she learned with cbt.
She attends college now and loves the freedom there, but still has no idea what it was about school that made her so anxious.
All you can do is let your son know you are on his side and that things will get better. Accept him as he is and try not to make him like others. Our youngsters all get there eventually, they just may not all take the same road.
As I've always said, Education doesnt have to be right here right now.

Take care and keep in touch.

Sue and M. x

Donna

It is more common than people think, and you never think it will happen to you. I always thought my children would go to school, then uni then a career, well we haven't walked that road but it doesn't matter we just took another route. It has taken along time to accept the situation but now i have i can deal with it. Hang in there but yes cbt every time.

Take care and believe in your son, he doesn't want to bee like he is.

Sar xx

thankyou for all your kind words.

Hi Donna,

Not sure what they meant by 'he wasn't ready for it'? Do you know what they meant by that? My son is 11 and I thought CBT might be something that he couldn't grasp but in fact it is something that any age can work with. As in Sue's experience, it might not be the whole answer regarding SR but it does seem to offer something they can use at any time. It has picked up my son's attitude about himself and that has helped regarding school.
He still misses school but goes back after 'he' has worked through his negative thoughts and feels more able to tackle it.

We went private as the school psychologist did not use CBT and also had no idea about how to deal with SR - she did more damage than good. We then had counselling at a centre that deals with SR but in fact they seemed to also have the wrong approach and told me I had to get him to school even if I dragged him in his pjs! Now we seem to have found someone that works with CB properly and does understand SR. My son says he feels she understands him and he does try to use the ideas she gives him or allows him to come forth with.
My son also has trouble going to sleep. I have not tried melatonin but have heard it mentioned on the forum before. Did it work whilst he was taking it?
Hang in there - you are a good mum and just let him know you understand him.
Linda

hi linda,they said he wasnt ready to accept there was anything wrong with him.we are not sure what came first he has had migraines from age 6,this was followed by a sinus op and a few mri scans.then at 11 they said it was all due to stress!!!!!and when we had him assessed for aspergers the phycholigist(sorry rubbish at spelling)said he only had the social bit but suffered badly with anxiety and she recommended melatonin because he was staying awake till 4 in the morning worrying about everything.the melatonin was brilliant he took it an hour before bed and it helped him go to sleep.he is not taking it at the moment but sleeps maybe 2til 9.

Hi Donna,

I wouldn't have thought it is pointing out there is 'something wrong' with your son but that he is obviously aware something is not right so they should be looking at helping him 'find support for where he is right now.' There is obviously something that is not working and he knows that, don't you think? I think it is them who are not ready to accept anything is wrong - sorry - but it all sounds too familiar!
Poor kid - he has enough to deal with at his age, doesn't he! No wonder he is stressed. My son also gets migraines but not very often. They started at stomach migraines from about 4 years old and then included the head when he was about 6.
I get very bad migraines so keep my eye out for any triggers etc. No easy task as you know. Dehydration is, however, something that seems to be one common trigger but over stress and dehydration or anxiety can bring him down.
If your son is not going to school and is struggling to cope with migraines - then he is most definitely ready for CB. CB can also help with migraines as it provides strategies not to panic if you think you might be getting one (more for adults perhaps) but still relevant to your son perhaps if he is now afraid of getting one.
See if you can push them on that one. The social issues with Aspergers could well cross over into anxiety - both make certain situations difficult.
All the best -
Linda

hi linda my friends son also had cbt and it really helped.its now 10 weeks since he was referred again.so hopefully this week at present he is going to the school at 4pm when there is no kids there to give in his work and to collect more.its not so much the education he needs as he has never been behind and has not done the full yr since yr4,hes currently yr9,he needs the social bit but finds it really hard to get on with his peers.he gets on really well with adults he plays golf with his grandad.what worries me is he has no friends and hasnt been out on his own for 11 weeks.

Donna - absolutely its the social side that frightened me - if you are confident that gets you further in life than exams - i should know as i had over 100 people working for me and recruited most myself.

CBT has helped my son to get out more - he didn't leave the house for weeks at all, but now slowly but surely he is mixing better. Im sure no amount of cbt will ever get him back to school it is such a mental block now but if he can get out and mix more it would make the world of difference.

Good luck and keep your chin up.

Sarah xx

Hi Donna,

I always worried about the social side of things and being confident in company.

My daughter didn't attend school from Year 8 and so her friends all disappeared except one, but she went to a different school. My daughter spent most of those three/four years at home with me, its where she felt secure and happy.

I don't think my daughter will ever be the life and soul of the party but she has a small group of close friends at college now and making more as she gradually socialises with them. She says she doesn't feel 'different' anymore, as no one knows about her school problems, which makes it easier for her to chat and get to know new people.

I feel sure your son will be the same. As he gets older things will change making it easier for him to relate to others on his own level.

Smiles!

Sue and M.

Hi Donna,

The socialising issue is one always of concern I think with our kids not mixing with kids their own age. My son luckily joined a soccer club - but he is now having so much trouble getting to training due to anxiety that this has become quite a battle in his (and my) minds. My son does have friends at school but as he misses so much school there is often not that continued link which makes for 'really' good friends. He refuses to invite them round and lately - refused to go to their places if invited.
Even though he does get along well with his peers and is funny and friendly he avoids them (doesn't like going to the shopping centre in case a kid from school is there for instance). He also gets on better with adults and they often comment on how amazingly talkative he is around them and how 'adult' he seems. This might also be because our kids seem very bright and may have conversations that don't quite match their peers. Not sure - but I would be looking at any way of getting your son involved with his peers but don't fret if it doesn't happen too often as many of us are in similar situations. The fact that your son plays golf with his grandfather is great. He learns a skill and interacts with someone.
Take care,
Linda

hi linda over the trs we have tried,football,cricket,karate,cubs,and he seems to enjoy it for acouple of weeks then he falls out with someone then he cant seem to go any more.he also plays darts for ateam of adults .He also acts very young sometimes maybe this is because i look after 3 kids under 5 all the time.He is not anxious at the moment because hefeels safe at home but his xbox is his best friend!!!!.thankyou linda its so nice to know he does fit in to abox lol

thankyou ladies its so nice to know i am not alone. as so many people dont realise hes just not being naughty!!!!!

hi Donna,

I remember on the Forum we looked once at signs from when the kids were young (as quite a few on here have kids who are older than mine) and it seems that your story is similar. Some of the other children dropped out of things too - they never lasted. If my son wasn't so obsessed with soccer he wouldn't keep trying to go,
My son is ill again (only 4 wks since he had laryngitis). Another virus. When he gets ill - he uses it as a cover to stay home longer so I never quite know how ill he is and find myself loosing patience. Unfortunately it is two weeks holiday after this - making it again a very long break and harder to return.

Does your son do the work the unit sends him?
My son hates doing work when he is at home - so if yours is the same - it is not quite straight forward even if the work does arrive - but at least if they do just a bit they can be familiar with where the other kids are at when they manage to get back to class. Would you consider another school if there is one? IS home schooling an option despite the isolation from his peers?
It is hard, isn't it? Hang in there -
Linda

hi linda my son used to be exactly like that he would get a sinus infection or similar and stay off for as long as possible then it was really hard to go in again.he does do the work from home and to be honest there is no where else for him to go as the referral unit is for medical and for excluded kids.and yes i suppose home ed again is achoice but once you take responsibility for his education you get very little help!.there are lots of schools but they are for emoitional,social and learning difficulties .he has the emional and social but def not the learning diff ,if he had learning diff i would have soooo much more help.he never ever falls behind he hadnt done afull yr since yr 4 and he passed agcse in science he got grade c so if he had done the work he could have done so much better.i currently am working as achildminder so i could educate him but im not half as bright as him.hope your son is feeling better soon its really hard isnt it knowing when they are really ill or not.when my son used to say he was ill i told him,no consoles he had to stay in bed all day and he still preferred to stay home but i realised i was depressing him,now we have no consoles till after 3pm.

Hi, Donna, and welcome to our group.

Referral groups do seem to be restricted, but a couple of us have managed to break through that barrier. The problem then is that our children are then associating with people we would often wish to keep them away from. How snobby is that? But I am sure you know what I mean. In our case, getting our daughter there was almost as difficult as going to main stream school, but once there, the ability to have one on one education, or maybe 2 or 3, made all the difference. Ours was 20 miles away, so not easy to get to and from. But it did help get the work ethic going again.

And this is the other difficulty mentioned in this thread, though I think your child is OK? As a child I could never work at home. My daughter found that hard too. It needed constant pressure, and it increased our concerns and stress levels as it seemed to point to something beyond 'simple' school phobia.

She has to take her art portfolio to a university next week (having been turned down by 2 others), so we are all very nervous right now.

We just have to keep going.

Donna - XBOX XBOX XBOX my sons best friend too.

Ask your son if he wants to connect (is that the right phrase) with my sr son as x box is his best mate too (his own little world ) if so i can forward you his gaming tag --oooh i sound as though i know what i am talking about he he. Anyone else out there whos children play x box - great way for them to commuicate - sorry Linda time difference will be difficult for you guys.

Have a think and let me know


Sar xx

ok sarah just asked him he said yes so send his gameing tag thanks

Donna - i can't seem to reply to your post via e-mail and csn't open it up to see your e-mail address - can you post it on the forum then i can send tag via phone.

Sarah xx