I'm just wondering how others, who accept it is so difficult for our children to go to school, react when faced with the morning dilemma. In our house the routine is to wake my daughter up (she will not take the responsibility of setting an alarm) at 7 a.m. I then knock on her door at 7.30 to inform her that she has 30 minutes to get ready before we have to leave. If she then doesnt get up, I leave the house and go to work. But there are some days when I get so frustrated that I make a comment when she says she cant go such as 'Ok, thats up to you, its your choice' or 'Only you can do this'
My daughter has told me that these comments are not helpful, it makes her feel worse. I dont say these things to be nasty, I'm trying to motivate her but it obviously isnt working. Today I was so disappointed that she wasnt going to school. She has only got a matter of weeks before exams and then she can leave school at the end of June. I know this is added stress for her as she needs 4 GCSE's to get on her college course and the awful thing is that I really dont think she will get them. She isnt doing any revision for maths or english and she needs english as a requirement. Today I woke her up and for the first time, rather than saying she was tired, or ached , or felt ill, she simply said 'I dont want to go' In my despair I said to her ' Well , you either want to go to college or you don't' and then shut her door and walked away. Needless to say she is still in bed and I feel dreadful. I wish I could be more supportive but I am absolutely drained. Thank you for reading this, I needed to get it off my chest so that I could move on today.
Penny

Penny - we all feel guilt about the way in which we have and still do at times treat our children - it is out of sheer frustration.

I have very often gone to work absolutely livid and by lunch time i am consumed with guilt.

Nobody knows except another SR parent what it is like.

Hang in there, you are a fab Mum.

Sar xx

Hi Penny,

Sorry for the delay of 9 hours or whatever it is from here. I am sorry you felt so awful having to just leave your daughter like that. I have just gone through an awful time too but I did in the end manage to get him there - just half an hour late. This time I seemed to be calmer - inside I was actually feeling very teary. My frustration has boiled over in the past and I have said all kinds of things that do not help. We all do - so don't feel bad about that.

There is no real answer for what to say in a morning as I find no matter what I say and no matter what time I wake him up, I get the 'I am not going' response. If I say 'I know you can do it ' he yells back 'Shut up - I can't!' If I say 'I believe in you' I get 'Why would you want to."
If I say 'you will get to see your friends ' I get 'Why the hell would I want to see them!' It is negative negative negative.

Today I gave him Bach's rescue remedy upon waking. I then gave him Baer calm tablets. He went from being out of control crying and wishing he was dead to just feeling like throwing up and terribly stressed. But the tears stopped and when the tears stopped he seemed to be able to come to the conclusion that he was going to school no matter how much he was refusing to go. Every time he said a negative thought out loud I told him not to - saying it out loud only reinforces it in the brain. His dad did also ring and say if I couldn't get him there he;d come and get him there. So that was also a motivating factor.

It took an awful lot of calm on my part and I had to be constantly by him and encouraging in little steps but not too much - and avoiding any phrase that would set it back. It was a terrible strain. Getting him dressed was a nightmare but at his age I could still manage to kind of rip the top off and keep it all happening. We tried kicking the ball but that didn't work. He eventually tried the deep breathing- with me doing it with him - and perhaps that helped.
Last night though- from 7.30 onwards he was a total mess- crying uncontrollable and just freaking out so much. Trying to keep his head under the pillow 'So that I die' Screaming that he did not ever want to go to sleep so he'd be too tired to go or then yelling 'I never want to wake up again!'. I had to somehow put myself in a protective bubble as it was awful to experience- the worse I have seen him.

Even though he has gone - I feel totally drained of energy. I just can't stand seeing my child suffer from a mental illness like this and I know you all feel the same. The sadness of it is all consuming some times. There is no rational thought in their heads when they are like this. No matter what we say - it just bounces right off and makes them react even worse. I am seriously considering medication now.

I do feel for you and your daughter because you are so close to wanting her to succeed but that of course will have put more pressure on her.
We are here to listen any time you want to off load! You are a good mum - and deep down your daughter knows that. Is there a support group for....I can't remember the new name - but chronic fatigue? Motivation must be very hard for her. Any of you having to go out to work, leaving them behind, must make you feel sick inside yourselves- as the control is then right out of your hands.
Hang in there -
Linda
PS I am so sorry this is so long - I guess I had an awful lot to off load too:-(

Thanks Sarah and Linda,
Linda, you are having a awful time yourself. Well done for coping so brilliantly. Do you have support at home yourself? Its good that your sons dad is trying to help you too. This is way to much to bear alone. Your son did so well getting in to school. It might be worth investigating further into meds. Is your GP supportive?

My daughter got up mid morning and did some school course work at home which she emailed to her teacher. So that gave me something positive to say to her and she was pleased with herself.
She went to school this morning and I have just picked her up. She couldn't cope staying any longer. She has some missing coursework that is stressing her out because she knows time is not on her side. The finish line is so close now and she is really anxious. TBH as long as her coursework is submitted on time I really wont mind if she stays at home to revise Maths and English. If its less stress and gets the job done then thats what we'll go with.

I hope the week goes better for you Linda. Thankyou for your support. I really appreciate it.

Penny x

hi Penny,

How have things gone for you the rest of the week? At least your daughter did do some course work. She probably knows she has left the run a bit late and she wouldn't be the only teenager to realise this! Do you think she would repeat the year by other means (tutoring or are their other options?). Hope things improve.
Thanks for your support also as it really was a very stressful morning (and evening before).

My week turned out ok as my son went fine on Thurs and Friday mornings! He had to break through that awful barrier. He knows that but sometimes it is just too overwhelming. I didn't get him to soccer training though. That was about the fourth or fifth training and he just hasn't been able to show his face. Hoping to break through that barrier soon too!
Good luck,
Linda

Hi Penny,

It makes you so mad, doesn't it, when someone who should know better sends her an email like that. Just shows you how much they do not understand or want to understand the situation. I am sorry to hear the week went badly.
Your daughter may find other ways to study later on. It doesn't all have to be done in a straight line and if she ends up happier in the short or long term by finishing up school - then that is the main thing.
I do hope things get better and your daughter can relax without the pressures and expectations from school soon.
Good luck, Penny
Linda

Hi Penny,

The teachers attitude is appalling! Are they not aware of your daughters anxieties? God it makes me so cross .....

Believe me, your daughter will be much happier when she leaves the school environment, even if she goes to college she will find it a much better place to be, as my daughter has.

When we were trying to get M into college, we were told to contact the college Student Advisor, as they are there to help all students overcome any problems they may have, in settling into college etc. I've also heard that the colleges can make allowances, if prospective students don't get the grades required due to her lack of schooling. Give them a call, I did and found them most helpful.

Good luck Penny, you'll get there, I promise.

Sue and M. xx

Sue, thanks for that. I alway have the thought of your daughter and how well she has settled into college in the back of my mind and I truly hope I will be posting a similar message in September!
On my daughters college application form there was a space to write any medical concerns. We just put the fibromyalgia down and when she went for her interview they were so supportive. They told her that she would be guaranteed a place subject to a sucessful audition and if she did not get the 4 A-C grades required that she would be offered a level 2 course instead. She would also get help with pacing and time management/organisation and to let them know of any other support that she would require. Fingers crossed for Monday please. Thats the audition day. She also has her school drama exam this Friday.
I'll let you all know what happens!!
Thanks again for all your support.
Penny x