Hi,
Glad to find this forum as I don't know what to try next. My daughter has been a refuser for over 5 months now. That's 5 months with no school at all and before that a tailing off of a month or two. For the first 2-3 months she intended to go to school each day, completing homework & getting clothes ready. She got up in the morning, got dressed but then found herself unable to go. She has always been anxious, easily embarrassed and shy. However, she seems to be a popular girl and has maintained several friendships.
We have kept in contact with her school, had meetings, asked for handouts and any online resources but with only a tiny response. We have visited doctors, psychologists and a psychiatric nurse. All agree she has an anxiety disorder. Each medical appointment is nearly 2 months apart and the result is a few lines on a report saying she has a disorder. With no action or suggestions.... we are long past the leaflets.
How do we get therapy for her anxiety ? How do we get tutors? If we had been supported by now she would have been back at school I'm sure. We have had support for exams, a visiting Support Assistant came to our house to cover her exams (pre GCSE year). The support assistant was really helpful (the only one so far)....but of course her post has gone in the recent cuts!
Her anxiety seemed at one point to be heading towards eating disorders a (swallowing fears) and agoraphobia (wouldn't go out to meet friends as planned). Thank goodness that has ceased. She sounds a wreck...she isn't. If you saw her in the street, you'd see a normal, good looking , fashionable teenager. The fear,shaking ,tears and panic only happen just before school. I was one of those who thought..Just send her! But that is impossible now. Any advice would be really appreciated as our daughter has now stopped getting up in the morning and seems to have given up on school. She really wants to rejoin but can't see how.
Dave.

Hi Dave

OOh where do you start. First of all have you had contact with the Education Welfare Officer ? They are there to support you, and if yours is anything like ours has been fab on the whole - they are the people who will look at home tuition - tuition centes etc. Next step is CAMHS to get into the system, which can be a referral from either school or your GP. Have school looked at a reduced time-table ? Year 10 is a difficult year anyway. Yes like us all we thought just get them to school but this doesn't happen. If you saw my son is he just a normal teenager but with anxieties. He too was aggrophobic for quite a while but through CBT which we have regularly from a psychiatric nurse he has overcome and now doing really well. This is so hard and i could go on for hours but if you need to talk just let me know and i will e mail you my number as it can help to talk ( i have 3.5 years experience ) ooh my grammer.
Everyone on here is so helpful so please keep in touch with us all.

Out of interest what county do you live in ? I have found this makes a difference as to the help you receive.

Hope this helps

Sarah

Hi Dave,

Your daughter sounds like a replica of mine.
Everyone said she seemed fine but only I saw the panic in her eyes/voice when it came to school. Its a hard thing for a parent to watch and deal with but let her know you are on her side and take it one step at a time. Small steps to us are giant ones to them.
Sarah seems to have given you great advice, she's been there and is coming out the other side.
You will get there Dave, it may be a tough road, with many ups and downs, my daughter didnt attend full time school for almost 5 years and only had a little home tuition just before her GCSE's but as I've said before, she managed to get the grades needed to get into college. She absolutely loves it and she started a new weekend job recently.
It's a complete turnaround to how she was this time last year, a shy, anxious sad young girl.
I havent said all this to make you feel bad, I just want you to know that you WILL get through it. Our youngsters are amazing and very bright, they all get there in the end, they just take a different route to other teenagers.
Take care, you are not alone anymore, we are all here to help.

Sue and M. x

Dave,

I cannot say that I know what you are going through, but I recall vividly how it was for us - horrific, exhausting and deeply worrying. But we have to keep going for our child. We must not give up on them.

You ask what next? What have you done so far? I am making the point that it becomes difficult to recall all the meetings, all the promises, the details of treatments considered, etc.

Have you kept a record of all this? If not, I suggest you start now. It will prove invaluable as you go into further discussions with education, health or social services. As your daughter meets new 'specialists' you can hand over the notes to circumvent them asking all the old questions again and again.

Always come out of a meeting with notes, and then use them to confirm decisions taken, perhaps by emailing back 'You agreed to do...'.

Try to find out how many 'refusers' the local authority has, and what their strategy is - i.e. put pressure on the education authority to take action to help your child. It is too easy for them to sit on their hands. Ask challenging questions, without being confrontational or, indeed, defensive, perhaps, for example, by asking what has worked in the past.

I hope this helps, and please keep in touch. we have a very supportive group of parents here - I rely on them a lot.

Simon

Hi Dave,

It sounds tough. I know how you feel and how hard it is to get the right things happening. Sarah is ahead on that one so can give you more advice.
It seems that each region, each country is totally different and so it takes time to find the support. We ended up seeking Cognitive Behaviour therapy outside of the school system. I can't say it is the perfect answer but it has helped around the edges. If your daughter 'wants' to get better she could well take very well to CBT.
Now when we have meetings we have notes/minutes that are taken and then emailed to all who were present. This helps keep a good record but also reminds others of what the outcome was.
Good luck. The parents on here are terrific. I would be a total wreck if it wasn't for being able to come on here and talk to people who understand.
Linda

Linda,Simon,Sue& Sarah,
Thank you so much for your replies. After what has seemed months of inaction, a letter from CAMHS arrived yesterday (soon after I wrote my post on here).It announced a date for my daughter to begin a programme of therapy sessions. Starting at the end of June! Positive, but it still seems another long wait to start a process which should have begun months ago.I've just realised that we first discussed problems with the school a year ago.

Oh and we're from England.
Thanks again, Dave

Dave

What county are you in ? Im Staffordshire. I also suggest you contact Parent Partnership who have been my lifeline - google your local office as they are nation-wide and explain your situation.

If you need any more help please let me know.

Sarah

Right at the end of term (well it is in Scotland, not sure how long you have to run). For many of our children, the holidays are not a difficult time, and there is either less stress or in some cases no stress. We always had a problem getting our daughter to accept help in the holidays because she felt she did not need it. By the time term started again, she was once more nervous and un-prepared. My advice is to get the appointments booked up quickly at the start so your daughter gets into the way of going.

Good luck to you both.

Dave, can just add that if your daughter doesn't 'click' with the therapist at CAMHS, don't worry. My daughter refused to respond to three therapists and finally they let her have a meeting with the only therapist in the building that hadn't been involved with her and she absolutely 'gets' my daughter and we have seen a remarkable improvement. Its a long slog Dave but it does get better in time. I never, ever thought I would say that, but its true.
Stay strong
Penny.