Hello - Our daughter is aged 6 and has just recently refused attending school classes. The school is doing nothing, the school nurse has made a referral for a child psychologist (told not to hold our breath), the GP has made a referral for child psychologist and equally stated a long waiting time. This prompted us to seek private help to try and head this off from being a long haul. Reading some of the forum posts its clear that me and my wife should keep an open mind.

On seeing the child psychologist privately it would appear that she seems to have separation anxiety. Our daughter would not go to her friends parties and be left on her own. She would have a reliance on her mother. The irony of it all is she is a clever, bright and a full of beans little girl. On occassions she is the one showing the way to her friends and then on other days she recoils and needs the comfort of home/mum or dads company.

The school refusal has started in the last three to four weeks. We have tried spending time at the school to help her into the class but she now will not go in to the class at all even though she is getting through the school gate. We have a son of 8 who attends the same school. We are still maintaining this as a course of action (spending most of the time in the library). Today she refused to do her school work in the school library.

The school do not offer to give her work to bring home. Everything seems that it needs to be extracted from them. ie they do not seem to volunteer anything. They have now (or certainly give the impression) started looking at myself and my wife as if we are an annoyance to them. Instead of them helping with the problem I think they are becoming part of the problem.

We are potentially thinking of other schools but do not know if this will help the situation or add to the burden.

Not sure what Im expecting here on this forum. Whats is clear is that there are many people out there experiencing various forms of similar situations. Its been comforting to read other situations. (my notepad is full - thanks)

Its good to talk

Thankyou

Ellis

hi ellis ,as you can see from this forum you are not alone,my son also started about 6 started having migraines and was always ill.we did get him into school again.then it resuficed at 9.i also like many people on this forum have been told its seperation anxiety and sat in the library with my son for 3 month.You need to set ameeting up to make the school more aware.we had a child in need meeting which gets everyone together including the education welfare officer the nurse,the school need to show they are doing everything they can.could they try giving her a buddy1making her day shorter!unfortunately not all schools understand our children.im sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon take care hope you get some where soon.

Hi Donna - Thanks for the response. Our daughter is showing no medical symptoms hence the ease with which I guess they can state the obvious of separation anxiety. The school are fully aware of the situation. On one ocassion where they tried to keep her into school after separating in the morning she had a real hysterical wobbler. It was to the point that the school phoned to say that we should come and collect her as they feared for her own safety. She kept making for the schol gate. Also they felt she may hurt herself in the hysteria. It was from this point onwards that the school have shown little interest. Yes we had a meeting with the head when in that meeting he managed to persuade her to go into her class (for the remaining half hour of the day). I guess they feel they have nothing to work with ie she simply will not go into her class. They let my wife or I stay in school and sit in the library etc. The odd passing teacher in the early stages may have offered to take her to class. Now they dont bother. This morning I have (am trying) the firm but fair approach with her. I have told her that she is to go straight into class and that I will sit in the library (have book to the ready). Have to remain optimistic I guess. Shall let you know how I get on.

Thanks

Ellis

hi ellis we now know my sons refusal of school was not medical his migraines were due to stress and it took three yrs to find this out when he finally admitted he was being bullied! i then changed his school at the new school i was given so much support 4 grown ups would meet him at the school door to take him off me he was 10yrs then they would engage him till he calmed down as he would have a panic attack they gave him breakfast as he always felt sick.then finally got him into lessons that lasted 6 lovely months.then u8nfortunately he went to high school.and also i tried being firm i took all his consoles and treats away even kept him in his room all day but this just made him more unhappy.hope today went well in the library donna

Hi Ellis,

Welcome to the forum. As you have already found - you are talking to those who understand here. My son started refusing about 5 weeks into his first year of school. It is hard when your child is young because the school tends to think it is 'just' separation anxiety and will go away and tend to blame the parents (and child). My son is now 11 - so I have come some years past that first nightmare where i felt the world had totally turned upside down.

Firstly, I would ensure that you get all the paperwork you can on School Refusal anxiety (and it is an anxiety disorder) and anxiety in children and make sure that the school and the teacher read this. Try your best to get a meeting with the Head and the teacher and school psychologist and tell them that this is something that seems to happen to some kids and is in fact a serious anxiety disorder that needs everyone's support. They need to know they have to work with you on this now and not wait for years down the track when it gets harder. Schools deal better when they have a disability that has been known about for a long time.

Secondly, I would ensure you do try and get help from a psychologist as soon as possible. But keep in mind not all psychologists do understand or recognise this for what it is either. We have been through counsellors and two psychologists but are now working with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which I would highly recommend.

ALl the research I have done does point to the fact that you will need to keep trying to get your daughter to school. Changing schools at 6 is not so bad but changing schools at 10 is more difficult. So it is something you will need to really consider now before she gets too used to where she is.

They tell me that my son still has separation anxiety but it shifts its focus a bit over time and it is separation anxiety from the comfort of home as well as me sometimes. I believe that if my son had had more support from the school or I had sought Cognitive Behavior therapy sooner - then we might have had a bit smoother run. Then again - I do not know.

Cognitive Behaviour will help her change her negative thoughts around and maybe make her more able to attend. Once our children stop attending it makes it harder to go back. My son has missed a lot of days over his primary school years but the good thing is he has tried hard to get there mostly. This year is the worst but he is already scared about high school - so understandable that things are sliding. We have had so little help over the years it has made me very angry.

Push the school to provide work. This is the first year the school has ever produced some work for my son. I begged every year. As a result my son has missed a lot of things. I think they are so locked into assessment these days (the teachers) that they don't have time to provide for a child and they aslo don't want the parent doing the work for the child. So really push hard - they have a duty to help you and to ensure your daughter gets the work she needs.

Good luck and keep in touch. Everyone on here is very helpful and very good listeners when things get tough.
Best wishes,
Linda

Donna and Linda - Thanks

Took her to shcool this morning and the anxiety started in the car park clinging to me. Got to the classroom and after some both firm and concise discussion managed to get her in the class with me sitting in the lobby outside. Had to help her go through breathing routines before this happened. She wants to go in but the panic takes over. Just before first break they had assembly which she sat with her class with me sat at the back. She constantly get looking back in distress. After this was wet play in the classroom. With the help of the teaching assistant she remained in the class and I could revert to the agreement that we had the night before which was me or her mother sitting in the library. She was ok with this. My wife took over at about 11.30am where she stayed the rest of the day and my daughter stayed in her class. The reports back were she had a lovely day in the classroom. Here's looking forward to tomorrow. She did better than I thought actually.

I spoke with the Head Teacher which resulted in a meeting on Monday with the SENCO. We have also contacted the Education welfare officer and tomorrow will be phoning CAMHS. It is eveident that to sit back and await others for action is not fully progressive but that you have to drive these things through if you want something to happen. Why did they not come to us four weeks ago and mention all this. Oh well.

Her psychologist does have a cognitive approach towards her. She helps with the breathing. The focus on the positive from the negative. Keeping positive. She rang today after school to see how our little one got on. The feedback was good. The advice was still to remain firm and to try to keep her in the school environment even if she wants out of the class. Not easy I know.

I told the head teacher that the school was not doing enough and to the teacher aswell. I stated I wanted to know what she would have been taught in class so we can run parallel with this if she is not in lessons. That way when she does go to class she has something in common with her classmates and is not totally isolated. The head stated the county was not very good on this topic and due to the rarity at the school they were not well equiped to cope. Simply not good enough he was told. He later came to me with a council specialist who can be approched about this but I cannot contact them, the school have to refer us (from the meeting with the SENCO).

All depts will now be pushed. Somerset county council seem to have a good document on this for their schools and staff to follow. A copy was given to our school. Our county has nothing that I can find.

Here's to tomorrow and hopefully similar success.

There is clearly no set model of right and a wrong way of doing this. What is apparent is perserverence is required.

Good luck all. One small step..................One giant leap for.............

Thankyou

Ellis

Well done Ellis - to all three of you.

Simon

Well done Ellis and family! It must be a strain but hopefully it will pay off. Sounds like you are doing all the right things and getting onto it early. Support and action early on is really vital. Just wish we'd had that at an early age.
Good luck for the rest of the week.
Linda

Hi Ellis and anyone else reading this who might be interested. If you haven't already discovered the 'Worrywisekids.org' it might be worth checking out.
Ellis - I noticed that they have a section that you can give to the teacher/school in regard to what they should be doing to help the child during their school day. Some of these things might sound simple to teachers but as parents we know can make the world of difference. I wish I could have convinced the teachers at my son's school regarding this (they kept saying they don't like to treat kids differently!!!). Stress that this is an anxiety 'disorder' and the child should be treated in a manner in which other children - such as those who suffer from autism are accommodated in the classroom.
Here are the recoomendations to schools. Perhaps print out and give to your daughter's teacher or write your own and present but coming from an organisation might have more sway.
All the best - Linda

http://www.worrywisekids.org/schools/sample_accomodations.html

Hello all. Thanks for the comments.

I dont necessarily want to give a daily diary because I dont think its fair on you listening to the daily grind but where a small breakthrough or setback comes I think it may benefit the wider audience in the same way we are taking on board comments by others - and it is helpful so thankyou.

Today I took my daughter into school and she refused to go into her class. At lunchtime my wife tookover. My daughter and I were allowed by her teacher to sit on the classroom floor whilst he was briefing the children in the early part of the morning but when it came to them doing the work on the topic I had to leave the classroom. She would sit with me during the briefing but not go back in for the work element. Just before lunch it was apparent that she would not go in so the alternative is to sit in the library and do some work. She did not want to do this either. On asking her why not she stated she really wanted to go into her class. It is apparent that she really DOES want to go into her class but she even recognises these panic/anxiety attacks as restricting her. All manner of breathing routines and calm/less calm discussion would not work.

At lunchtime she would not go into the dining hall. She sat with me in the library and started eating.

My wife took over.

Now here is the reason why I posted today.

That afternoon with my wife sitting outside the classroom my daughter went into her class and gave a presentation on her famous character to the rest of the class. Yes a presentation to the rest of the class. Stood at the front and delivered. After this she went into her ICT class again with my wife in the lobby.

It goes to show there is no rhyme nor reason but perserverence can win through (and sometimes not). But perservere for the sake of our children we must. We are lucky I guess where we can share this between my wife and I .

I guess the message is try not to reason why but be patient and perservere.

Thankyou

All the best

ellis

Hi Ellis,

Don't worry about all the updates. It is good to read and hear about what you are doing and trying and if we can help we will chip in along the way and certainly give you as much support as we can. You don't have to feel alone as you journey along :-)

I also found sitting with my son in the class when he was little helped at least get him there and don't let anyone ever say that is not the way. What is the way?
His teacher thought I was doing it all wrong but at least he got there. He then went ok and refused to let me do classroom help as he said me being in the classroom made him feel teary and he wanted to go home (I couldn't do kitchen garden duty a couple of years later for the same reason either).

What I didn't do - and what you seem to be doing- is working on a plan where you slowly do less and less of what you are doing (except for the hiccups along the way). I didn't really ahve a plan as at that stage I had no help. So what you are also telling us on here will be helpful to others now and later on if they re read posts.

Well done to your daughter giving the presentation!!! The funny thing is with our kids - they are not always shy. My son can be very confident but it depends what situation and as his psychologist has said - the anxiety can shift and move over time. SO whilst he doesn't yet have social anxiety - he could move into that if he spends a lot of time at home not socialising. So keeping your daughter interacting with her peers is so good for her - well done to you all :-)
All the best,
Linda

Thank you all so much for your comments it is good to feel we are not alone! This has been a good day for our daughter who after some persuasion this morning did go into class and stay there for the rest of the day and in fact by lunch time was so happy she allowed me to leave the school!! A welcome relief as I am sure you all appreciate. I had a hugely dissappointing day with the support services though. I was advised that she had been given a referal to the Sky service who would come and work with us to get her back into school which sounded like the help we so desperately needed only to be told that there would still be a 3 month waiting list for an appointment. Our local authority welfare officer advised me there was no policy for seperation anxiety in the area and that as far as our daughters education was concerned legaly their only obligation was to offer her a school place and that there was no requirement for the school to assist with any out of school study. I tried to emphasise the importance of early intervention in these cases but it seems there is no help for the moment. Thank goodness it is the weekend and we can gather energies to keep going next week!!

Thank you for your comments my husband and I find great support here!
I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

Alison

Hi - apologies i havent commented earlier but had a bit of a week. Wow where to start. Firstly post everyday it will help you to "get it off your chest" we all understand and want to help. The authorities are well, less than supportive in the early days and look to problems in the family - hey I'm a single mum so there is your problem !! No actually i am a well educated "single mum" and a Company Director so don't label me as a can't be bothered mum. I strongly advise you to keep a daily diary i'm sure you are. They labelled my son as having seperation anxiety but that was far from the truth he had "school phobia" which was a result of problems in year 7. I do so feel sorry for you and it is good that you have each other for support - something i lacked from my sons father. I'm not sure if changing schools is a good idea at this stage - it may be a situation that does just sort itself out. My son so wanted to attend school and be like his friends and tried so so hard but in the end i resigned myself to the fact this was never going to happen. My son is a wonderful fabulous child - 15 today !! and you know something i wouldn't have him any other way now. It has been a very long lonely road we have travelled and at times i have felt so down but now he is getting himself back to how he was, and starting to enjoy life. We have now gone a while without a panic attack and he is on course to get 8 GCSE's A-C not bad for a lad who has taught himself for the past 3 years.

You may also get the prosecution threat, but remember we have all had that. Keep your notes to prove you are doing your best this will help and don't worry about it.

You are doing a fantastic job well done to you.

Keep it touch

Sar x

Hi Sarah - Well done to you and your lad. It is just small steps at a time. We have followed the advice on this forum - diaries, CAMHS, EWO, Psychologist, SENCO, one or two others. We just keep going. If the door closes I may try our local MP and see what he can do. My wife Alison has been a real bedrock today. I am a lucky man.

Keep going Sarah.

All the best

ellis

Ellis - Alison

Go to the MP sooner than later it was our turning point you have nothing to lose.

Sarah xx

Hi ALison and Ellis,

Well done. It is so great you are working on a program together and can not both see first hand what your daughter has gone through but also how she is improving. You are very lucky in that respect. It puts a lot of stress on relationships so the more you can work as a team the better for yourselves and your daughter.
Well done.
Linda