Well, children back from their fathers and one happy one so depressed and miserable it's untrue. After hours of talking he just loves the quiet and peaceful life in the highlands of Scotland = no noise no trouble no - no well nothing. We have taken a huge step backwards as M has just gone back into his shell. My original thoughts were that he wanted to live with his father, but that isn't the case - so we are at a cross roads - do we up and move 500 miles in the hope that is cures all my sons mental health problems ? do i up root son no 2 ? do i leave my family friends and business ? ooohh my. I have spoken to him about us moving and he was overjoyed - but can a move and fresh start really work ?

Any of you live in the HIGHLANDS ?

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah,

I do feel for you. We keep going down this track - must be something about Scotland but my son who did visit there a few years ago said he felt so much better (not in the highlands necessarily).

For quite some time he begged us to move there before he started secondary school so that he could go to school there.

My feeling was that whilst he had had a good time - it was also a holiday (same with your son) and so the pressures of the anxiety related school disappeared. He then tried to make the connection as it being better than ever living here. Moving will inevitably take the anxiety with it and whilst it might not reappear initially, it most likely will come up again and you have lost all your support. You need your support to support your son. They are really just seeing the grass greener on the other side I am sure. On the other hand, one day, your son might live in the highlands - but right now....as I am sure you feel, it just isn't the right time.
Good luck!
Linda

Hi Linda

Well, to be honest if he feels better in Scotland and his father will have him after he finishes his exams then i am prepared to let him try it - he will be 16 so his choice. As far as my plans i will see how he gets on first - if it doesn't work out then i haven't given up everything. To be quite honest i can't think what else to do for him except support him in what he feels right.

He is very own at the moment, doesn't want to even see his friends as he says he needs to cut everyone off before he starts his new life ! He doesn't seem to realise that i can't just pack a bad and go - he so wants us all to move.

Oh well, just keep doing my best but feel we have a very large mountain to climb now.

Sarah x

Good luck with this, Sarah. It's so hard when they set their mind on something like this which is also tied up with the anxiety. Cutting off his friends must be hard for you to accept. I wonder why he feels this way about where he is now? He has come so far. But as you say, only he knows how he feels. There will always be something along the way set to challenge - you are a terrific support to him - and he knows that. Just knowing how you support him in times of need might just make him change his mind.

When my son set his mind on moving he talked as if it was happening. Everything was 'when we move etc..." not 'if we move...' He started to plan his world around moving even though I had said we can't. It broke my heart having those conversations - so I can understand some of what you feel. Thinking of you!
Take care,
Linda

Sarah

So sorry to hear how things are at the moment, as you know we live in Scotland and unfortunately M's problems wont disappear by moving here, but deep down you know that, I agree with Linda, you need the support of your family and friends and not to be selfish but your buisness is where you are as well, we would do anything for our children, but giving up your life as it is wont change how M is, I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh, it's sounds as if visiting his dad has really unsettled him and as usual you are left to pick up the pieces. I think he needs a bit of time to settle down.

All you can do at the moment is support him, and we are all here to support you.

Take care
Dorothy x

Dorothy - thanks for your reply - i know it won't help M at all but he has got it in his head that living in the middle of nothing will help. What does make me cross is the fact that he takes it out on me and when he speaks with his Dad he makes out all is OK. Ironic really as yesterday I was unable to come to work due to his complete breakdown and half way though our GP called in on us out of the blue to see my Dad. Well the flood gates opened which I think surprised him some what as he thought i was coping with everything - he was absolutely fantastic but feels M needs more help, and has put him on tablets to calm him down, but he has refused to take them. He has also said that i need to sort everything out and go and he will refuse to eat until i sort !!

What a nightmare - i really thought that we were through the worst of it all but my mistake.

He again has said it isn't his dad he wants to be with but can't stand city life ( we live in a village !! )

Hey ho onwards and upwards but I think he needs to go up for a few months to get it out of his system if only his father will take some responsibility and help me out.

Thank you all for your support I know i rant on but it helps.

Love to all

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah,

This is so hard for you! We are here to listen. It is so sad that he is taking it out on you (I can relate to that -I get that too).

When I told my son he couldn't move to the UK he was so angry - I was quite taken aback as I just thought he realised he couldn't just up and go.
My son eventually got over it although he still thinks moving will make things better.

What would your son do if he went to his dad's? It sounds like he might just get bored - but he might also become more of a recluse? It must be such a worry for you for everything to feel like it has turned upside down again.
Perhaps as you say - he does have to get this out of his system.
What help has he got at the moment? Can you find someone to work with him where he is at now - not relating to school but just skills to help his anxiety?

My son is currently seeing a psychiatrist and I find her approach much better than any psychologists we have had. She has seen us all separately and together and says she wishes to continue this way. Her idea is that my son has to develop the skills to cope on life's journey but as parents we have to ensure we are not contributing to any of the avoidance behaviour as well as find ways to deal with the stress and set backs. She told us it is going to continue to be tough on me for probably the next 10 years at least.

So I guess if she says the next 10 years for me - that leaves all of us looking out for our kids much further than just through the difficult school years. Some of our kids might feel they can cope better than others - but sadly it seems that we are going to have set backs on the road forward no matter how far they seem to have come in the meantime.

I know that isn't giving you lots of help for where to go from here but perhaps if you son is having a set back - that is all it is and he will again find his feet. Perhaps when he had the study to fight against he knew what his anxiety was - but now it feels everywhere? He knows how much you care and he is very close to you so you cop the fall out from his frustration. It is so hard for you - but I hope you find some clear thoughts through all this and find which is the way forward for him (and you).
Feel free to talk to us any time - I check the forum quite often.
Linda xx

thank you Linda i will post again later but not too good at the moment

x

Hang in there Sarah - thinking of you and hoping you feel a bit stronger soon.
It sure is tough. But there is always some light around the corner.
Linda xx

Thanks Linda - Well, today is another day and i think im going mad !! My son is laughing away with 2 friends that have called round he hasn't seen for quite a while and seems so happy. This morning one of my dads specialists called round to the house ( my parents live with me as mum had a stoke last year and dad is disabled and suffers dementia ) and i was chatting away to him about various things and my sons SR came into conversation and he went very quiet and seemed quite upset - apparently his daughter went to the same school as my son and she suffered it too - it started first year senior school after Christmas which was the same time as M's. She is now 19 but they had far more problems with her than i have with my son.

Just how many are there ? funny thats at least 8 from the same school and i was told my son was the only one they had ever had - funny that !!

Well, i can hear them all shouting and laughing in the lounge now and that is great.

Anyway, hope everyone is ok.

Love to all

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah,

You're not mad! Felt that myself too quite often though, Your son obviously realised he still can laugh with his friends - perhaps he needed that to remind him of what he has? How is he the day after?

As for finding another SR person from your school. It doesn't surprise me although the number there are out there is of concern as to why this is happening.

My school has also told me my son is the only one. There seems to be more at secondary school, however, so next year they might say they have come across it but in your experience and mine....seems they see everything in isolation.

Hope it all starts to fall into some kind of workable situation for you. If you have a moment to remember yourself in all of this - take a few minutes to treat yourself - you are doing a great job.
Take care,
Linda x

Hi Linda

Thanks for that. He has been a great help to me in the last 24 hours as i have spent most of that time at the hospital as my Father has had a stroke.

Hey ho - tomorrow is another day

Sarah xx

Oh Sarah - you are having it tough! I hope that your father is as ok? Was it a bad one? You have your hands full, that's for sure (not to mention your poor head). Glad to hear your son was able to help.
Wishing you and your family a fast recovery and hoping things start to stabilise all round at your end very soon.
best wishes,
Linda x

Hi Linda - Dad not too good as he has developed a chest infection so therefore is still in hospital, thanks for asking.

Well, what can i say ? M has discovered this new found confidence all of a sudden with the help of our neighbour ( hes 31 only looks 16 though ) who has been through the whole depression cycle himself and they have become firm friends = long may it last. He still wants to go to Scotland and i think it will do him good to try it, he needs to get it out of his system and see but 8 months is a long time yet.

Hope you are well

Love Sar xx

Hi Sarah,

Wishing your dad a speedy recovery.
Interesting how sometimes someone or something just pops up when our kids need it. Seems the Scotland thing has to be something he does try. At least for you it is in the same country and he can come back.
I think there is an element also of them wanting so much to feel independent as they so rarely get to feel this as they become dependent on us to be there for them. So it might do him good to at least feel he can achieve something on his own. Keep us posted.

Very quiet here on the Forum at the moment but I presume it will get busy again when school goes back where you are. My son has been going to school now for a whole month - it is just so wonderful - hard to describe. There will always be hiccups round the corner until he is able to manage the anxiety but this is lovely to see him feeling the confidence considering what a bad year it has been otherwise.
Take care,
Linda x

Sarah, I hope things are improving for your dad. You have a lot on your plate at the moment. Try to stay strong for yourself .
Keep posting so that we know you are OK.
Thinking of you x
Penny

Hi - Dad seems to be getting a bit better now, thank you all for asking. Well its been a couple of roller coater weeks here but i think we can see light at the end of the tunnel - with the exception of son no 2 having flu so is on steriods to help.

Hope you all have a good bank holiday weekend.

Sarah xx

Hi,

I have been out of action for a while (reasons in another post) so just catching up with you.

As Dorothy has said, all is not rosy here! The problems just don't disappear into the heather and mist (we cannot see the hills again today, fire on last night!).

However, would it take the pressure off you if M came north? Would you be able to let go - even a little? I think I would find it hard in similar circumstance.

But this is an option that might work, and maybe there is nothing to lose?

Yours aye,

Simon

Simon - it's good to have you back.
Our psychiatrist said that it was going to be a tough road for us at least for the next 10 years(he'snearly 12 now) ....and hopefully he will have gained the much required skills to manage better by then and that seems to fit in with what you are observing.

Hope your daughter finds each experience as she heads into different territory is not a set back but a learning 'curve' that bends sometimes but basically is a way forward. She has achieved so much over the years. You have both been wonderfully supportive parents for her.
Take care,
Linda

Hi Simon - my son has only been for a holiday so he would find it very different day in day out - the nearest town is Wick and their dads place is very remote. M still wants to go after his exams next year, and although i will find it hard i have to let him do what he wants - sink or swim really - he still wants us all to move north but it is not not practical. He will be 16 and i would hate him to resent me if i stopped him going he has to make his own choices and if it worked out for him and he get better then fair play ( think he will be home after a couple of months ) failing that its East Midlands airport to Inverness on a regular basis ( 9 hour drive each way is far too much )

Lets see how he goes in the next few months.

Hope things are improving for you too Simon

Love to all

Sar xx