school refusers
a resource for parents
Need your thoughts and opinions guys, when I took my son to college on Monday and he couldn't manage in, he was distraught and said that he couldn't go through it all again, sadly I felt the same, when we got home his dad myself and my son had a long chat, he said he only agreed to apply for college because it was what we wanted, he had also reverted back to that sad, unhappy, nervous boy, sitting in his room bitting his knuckles, something I hadn't seen all summer, we then decided that as he was 16 he had to start making his own decisions but we were here to support him in any way we could, we told him that we were not going to try and force him into college and that he had to decide if this was what he wanted, we told him that if he wanted to go to college on Tuesday then he was to get up and ready and then his dad would give him a lift, his mood instantly changed, he gave us both a hug and said thank you for understanding, needless to say on Tue he didn't go to college, said it's not what he wants and that he would rather try and get a job, we have a meeting at college on Friday morning to discuss alternatives, he is now back to his happy go lucky self. Were we wrong to encourage him to make his own decisions, are we taking the easy way out, I know I can't protect him for ever but I can't bear to see him turn back into the boy he was during the school years..........................help!
Hi Dorothy,
This must be so hard for you! We all want our kids to get a good education - but if it is at the expense of their health - it seems that it might not be the road they take. I think you have to go with your gut feeling on this one.
Going to College is a lot more unpredictable than a job. A job has certain expectations - exact time to start and finish etc. He might feel 'safer' within that kind of environment?
He might find that when his confidence improves he can go back to study. There are lots of people who go back to study later on. Is he able to do this in the UK and go somewhere where he can enter without having those final years of education? It might be that it is in many years to come - in which case he can enter tertiary institutions if he wants.
Sorry - no easy answer on this one. But your observations of his state of mind is probably the crucial pointer for you. Is he getting any help at the moment? Counsellors/psychologists or medication? He may come to want this further down the track. Perhaps you need to work out a deal with him though as back up? Perhaps you need option 1 and 2. If he can't find a job or not one he can stick at or like etc then he needs to try college next year? Not sure if that is an option for you but it seems that if he doesn't get a job or slips in and out of one that he might end up depressed again.
Good luck Dorothy.....throwing around ideas for others to comment on is a good idea. Not sure I have helped but I am listening and here to help in any way I can...
Linda x
Oh dear, Dorothy. Just when we think things are going forward, back we go again. But not as far back as we were.
At 16, he still has plenty of time to go to college, so this must not be ruled out.
Jobs are not easy to come by, and most employers have a high expectation of their workforce. Any yet I am aware of a few hereabouts who have gone out of their way to help those who are struggling. As I recall, there is a charity not too far from you that may be able to help. They have a shop and tearoom, and support families.
If he can prove to himself that he can hold down a job, then he may feel more confident about college later.
Money is a great motivator!
Take care, we are with you,
Simon
Thanks guys, yet again I really appreciate your support, meeting at college and with career's officer tomorrow.
My thoughts and prayers with everyone who is struggling out there at the moment.
Take care
Dorothy x
Hi Dorothy
You have been a fantastic support to your son and have only done what you think is best for him, but i know where you are coming from !! As parents we can only guide and advise, but in the end it has to be their choice - as we all know we cant force them to do anything !!
Quite strange really, i was writing a reply a reply to you yesterday when i was interupted by the manager who is incharge of our business premises, and for some reason got onto the subject of school etc, and i said M was home educated - wow she then went on to say her son was a SR for 5 years and what problems they had, how frightened she was etc - he is 25 ish now and doing fine but she never thought he would get a job etc as he never sat any exams. So there you go yet another one i have found !!
hang in there, just keep supporting and you will all be fine.
Love to all
Sarah xx
Hi Dorothy.
For what its worth, I think you have done exactly the right thing for your son at this moment in time. As you say, he is 16 and it may be the right time for him to take control. If he can get a job, even if its for a few hours a week it will give him an insight into the real world and he may be able to make an informed decision on whether to carry on working or go back to college. My guess is that he will enjoy the world of work especially when he has 'spends' in his pocket. As Simon and Linda say, he can go back to college anytime, there is no time limit, and his health is far more valuable than anything else. I have also had this scenario go through my mind incase my daughter could not stick at college, (1st day today, so far so good) but if it doesnt work out I will let her decide on the next step.
I do hope that all turns out well and he can find a job - it may just be exactly what he needs.
Keep in touch
Penny x
Its started again - the last night of the holidays and all hell breaks between the boys and why ? M is due to go to the centre tomorrow after noon for a lesson and he is not having any of it. He wants the lesson and the tutor but to do it at home which i think they will accomodate, but THAT feeling is back to haunt me again. Sorry to go on as you all have your problems but we have not had one problem over the hols the boys have got on well, infact the best ever so i know whats bothering him.
Do i give in and ask for the lesson to be changed to home or do i stick him out in the hope he goes ? guys i just cant decide what to do !!
Hope everyone else is having a better time.
Sarah xx
Hi Sarah,
Sorry I'm on the other side of the world and get to reply at odd times. I do hope you have been able to make a decision - not an easy one. Whatever you decide - don't take it out on yourself - you do what your gut feeling says and then take it from there. Sorry to hear the boys stressed out the night before school, but understandable unfortunately.
My son is depressed at the moment and saying he hates school so doesn't think he can continue to keep going. He has been terrific - and for us with only 3 weeks left of this term I am just hoping he manages to stick with it. I know the heartache you feel.
Take care and good luck,
Linda
Hi Linda - yes i am not going to make a big deal out of it - if i do i think he may clam up altogether. he has said he will have his tutor at home for as many hours as possible, it just going to the centre he has a problem with. As he has had nearly 7 weeks off, i think it best to just get him back into the swing of the home tutor and see how it goes from there.
I am sorry you are having such a bad time, and i know how you feel, that awful feeling in the bottom of your stomach.
Take care and chin up, oh and tell your son to support a better team !1
Lots of love
Sarah xx
Sounds wise to do things in steps. 7 weeks off is a long time - you can't expect to suddenly go back somewhere that hasn't been a familiar part of his past weeks.
Ha ha - my son will never change the team he goes for. My mother comes from there so it is a nice connection.
My son hasn't gone in today. No tantrum or meltdown - partly because I didn't loose my cool. We talked about it being a hiccup and he agreed and said he'd found it hard just lately. I am trying not to feel frustrated or down but...you know how it is.
Good luck with your son. And good luck to everyone else out there - you are all starting the term and we are coming to the end of it....we are very much down under!
Linda
Linda - keeping your cool is exactly the right thing to do, although sometimes this is very difficult. My son seems ok this morning, i too kept a level head, said that he would start with his home tutor, and see how it goes with a view of adding additional hours in the next week or so. My major concern is that it is his last year of school so he takes his GCSE's next Spring so it is an important year, but like we have said before his health comes first and he can continue to learn later.
Son No. 2 didn't want to go to bed last night, and hence problems of getting up, but to be fair he wasn't too bad at all and ran off to school in plenty of time ( i know he isn't a refuser but you still get the feeling as he is a child that would take advantage if he could !! )
Hope your day gets better, and i think your son has done so well maybe he is just ready for the school holidays.
Lots of love
Sarah xx
thanks for all the messages, I think i've made the right decision but it's so nice too know u all agree with me.
Penny, thinking about you, hope all goes well.
Sarah, stay strong, your on the last hurdle now and as the saying goes, the darkest hour is just before dawn, when your having a particularly bad day then look back and see how far you've came, almost there.
Linda, no matter how far away you live, we're always here for you, anytime day or night, stay strong.
Simon, I'm hoping and praying all goes well with your daughter, your our inspiration, without you none of us would have got this far.
My thoughts are with everyone going through this nightmare.
My son never made it in today..............tomorrow is another day.
Take care everyone
Dorothy x
Can I just say what an excellent job you have done! You gave him his choice, which I'm sure you didnt want to do...and he chose. Now that he has done this, perhaps you can just let it be known to him that you agree to his choice but that you would like him to do some online studies? Here in US...if you chose not to go into a school, you can do online courses to pass your grades. He can still work, but he can still get his studies done also. Alot of Teens around 16 seem to like this way of doing things. Just a thought...
T/c
Bonnie
