Hello!

I found this website/forum today and found the information and your posts interesting. Although I was sure that there are other children and parents dealing with this issue I do not personally know of anyone. To hear your experiences and to resonate with your feelings is somewhat a relief to know other people understand what it's like when going through this.

My son is 15, he has a Statement of Special Educational Needs (since age 8) and mostly "jogged along" with full attendance even though he's never really liked school and had problems with being bullyied on and off. Last November, he suddenly presented with very low mood and anxiety about school and subsequently attendence became less to the point of refusing to go most days. School has been very supportive, mostly not putting on pressure and saying for him to just turn up whenever he feels able to, even if only for a short period in the day. He is having counselling though we haven't really progressed with it and are now changing to a new counseller. On the plus side they arranged a placement 1 day per week at a small training college set up for children who have difficulty attending school and he is doing a DJ course, which he loves as for some time he has been doing DJing in his bedroom. He only started for the last 3 weeks of summer term and returned yesterday after the holidays. He loves it. They also teach basic functional skills there. He may be able to do extra days in other subjects but we've been told funding may be an issue so not sure what to think about that, or if we just have to be forceful about this in order to get this for him. He also has 1 day at college on constructiin course but towards the end of last term he also refused to attend due to anxiety but until then he had enjoyed going.

Sorry for writing so much but wanted to introduce myself! I think we are lucky that we are receiving understanding, although I find it very difficult still when he refuses to go to school & college, I think because I feel I have a responsibility to make him attend, but also, I'm aware that it is not good for his mental health to force him. He has self-harmed, though only occasionally and not of a very serious nature (though all self-harm is obviously serious.) I think you know what I mean.

I am interested to follow how everyone here progresses, and to share experiences. I wish you and your children well, whether you are trying to integrate your children back into school or are looking for other options.

Louise

Welcome to our forum, you will always find someone here to listen, we may not always have the answers, but we will support you as much as we can.

Take care
Dorothy x

Welcome Louise. Dorothy is right - someone is always here to listen and help if they can. This forum has been life saving for me as I know everyone understands exactly those feelings when you can't get your child to school.

Your story sounds interesting and what has been offered to your son obviously helpful. I hope it continues and wish you/him well. Keep posting
Linda

Hi Louise and welcome from me too.

We are always here to listen and help whenever we can, and we understand everything you are going through. There are so so many SR out there but you always think you are on your own.

Keep posting

Sarah xx

PS LInda - hows things today ? xx

Hi Sarah,

My son is home again today. He does have a cold coming on (I think) but it seems to be all part of the setback to me. He did go in yesterday.

Our visit to the psychiatrist yesterday resulted in her saying that she had basically done all she can at the moment. My son needs to want the help and at the moment he is resisting. She felt it was more important at this stage that myself and his father work together as a united team despite our differences of opinions and different households. She will see us all in 4-6wks to see how it is going.

I must admit I was hoping there was some specific help going to come but looking back - she has already helped by seeing both parents and working out some strategies for us. I am also glad that she feels there is no need for medication at this stage. I think she expects to see us more when my son starts secondary school next year.

Hope all is ok at your end. And Dorothy....has your son felt able to go in? Is he feeling motivated regarding the on-line courses?
best wishes to everyone,
Linda x

Thank you all for your replies.

When my son first started refusing to go to school and for a while after, I felt guitly, and wondered if I had somehow failed him. I also thought the school would blame me for "bad parenting" and expect me to get him into school. However, I have been surprised at their understanding and support.

J was referred to CAMHS (Children's and Adolescent Mental Health Services) by his GP. Due to this, the school informed the Absence Team that whenever he is not at school they must register it as Authorised Absence. Therefore, we as parents cannot be penalised or be in trouble, which certainly relieves a lot of worry. It's hard enough to deal with without having the authorities on your back as well! So, I'd advise getting a referral from the GP if you are havig trouble with the school.

Despite the school being understanding there has been a lot of stress in the household during the past year. Sometimes my husband and I don't agree on things which can be hard to deal with. I understand my son's anxiety because I have suffered with generalised anxiety for most of my life, even being somewhat agoraphobic, so I know how paralyising it can be. My husband sometimes thinks J should just go ahead and face his fears and it will help get over it....but I don't agree!! I'm sure you've all had some disagreements too?

J was contemplating going into school just for one period and then spending the break time with a few friends, but I think he's decided he cannot make it in after all. He doesn't have to attend normal classes but can go to a separate classroom which is within the special needs centre there. Sometimes he can manage that.

Ok I hink I've rambled on enough! ....

Wishing you a good day.

Louise.

Hi Louise,

I am sure it is just as hard when parents are under the same roof and disagree! Perhaps even harder as you don't have the distance. My ex used to believe that our son had to be dragged in to school no matter what. He has since come round to seeing that it is a lot more complicated than that and in fact turning up to drag him there when I couldn't, meant that my son was seeing dad as the big bad wolf. We now have an agreement that if my son misses one day - then we accept it. If it turns into two days - he knows that mum and dad are going to unite and try and talk him into going. Whether or not he saw through this, this week, I am not sure but he had every second day off! I am hoping next week is back to the smoothness he has experienced this term after a terrible year of attendance otherwise.

What exactly does a 'Statement of Special Education Needs' mean? I am from down under so not sure if this is something you have for your son in direct relation to the anxiety or whether you mean he was diagnosed with other special needs. What did this mean in terms of any help he received early on?
Much frustration with SR is that it doesn't seem to fall into any category, so is often overlooked by the school.
All the best,
Linda x

Hi Linda,

It's good to hear your views! A Statement of Special Educational Needs is a system in the UK which is for students from age 2-19 who have been determined as having learning difficulties or a disability which affects their learning ability.

It's often a long process of assessment to get this established and in place. The teachers picked up that J was having general learning difficulties and unable to keep up with the rest of the class when he was about 6, however,it took another 2 years until an assessment by the educational psychologist and then referral to a doctor confirmed that he has specific learning difficulties and the cause. Then we were able to apply for a Statement of Special Educational Needs, which provides a specialist learning programme with extra support to the child. This is reviewed annually.

I have received extra understanding and support, I believe, because J is already in this programme, so they are already obligated to take his needs into account and should provide alternatives that can help him. But this is not directly related to his anxiety about school. I don't think anxiety alone would be considered a reason to obtain a Statement of Special Educational Needs....though now I'm thinking about it, I am thinking that it should! So anyone in the UK, it may be worth checking this out, especially if your children have more than 1-2 years of compulsory schooling left.

I feel the school is understanding as a whole to SR as the team have told me that this is quite common and they have other students with the same problem, some whom are not in the Special Needs Programme, but they are supported all the same.

Throughout the past year it is this specialist team that has dealt with the SR, they have held many meetings with us and liased with the counsellor and taken his advice. We haven't even had to discuss any of this with the head teacher! We can call the team and they are always very helpful and willing to chat! We are so lucky really.

Louise

Hi Louise,

It does sound like you are lucky. Others on the Forum from the UK seem to have a mixture of experience but generally SR is something that seems to not always be recognised or taken seriously. Perhaps, as you say, having the other in place for Special Needs has helped the school be receptive to what this might mean as well as other students. Students at my son's school who require a teacher aide have commented that they are very happy with the support the school gives and there are frequent meetings to assess how things are progressing. I know of others, however, who don't quite fit into a category and it then depends on the individual teacher to make specific classroom plans that assist learning.

I am sure all schools are different but it would be lovely if all SR kids received the same support that you have from the school. Have you read the post from Jezabel who looks like possibly facing the courts. IT seems crazy that it can get to that stage (and there was a case in the UK now nearly two years ago where it was thrown out of court) but it seems to happen.
Good to hear from you,
Linda

its all so stressful isnt it - and so many people have different ideas about how it should be handled

my 14 year old is now in bed - since getting the letter yesterday (why they wrote to her as well - I suppose they have to but its terrified her) has stayed there as she feels safe in bed -

Hi Jezebel,

It must be very stressful for you at the moment , as if having SR in itself itsn't enough! Have you had the energy or time to follow this up with the local MP? Sarah did that on here and found they were very helpful. Because your case is now going outside of the school then the MP might be very willing to get involved to support you and stop the whole thing proceeding or at least support you along the way? Might be worth a try.
Sorry to hear your daughter is in bed already (I just had to check the time as it is actually after 10pm here - so being in bed sounded ok - but not at 1pm where you are!!).
Take care,
Linda x

Hi Linda,

I'm sure SR is more common than a lot of us realise, and there really needs a unified system to recognise this and to give support.

I hadn't seenthe thread about Jezebel(Not sure if I've selt it right) but it must be a tremendous worry on top of everything else. I have to go out now but I will take a look at the posts later. She should contact The Parent Partnership if she hasn't done so already, and I will reply on her thread with this if it's appropriate.

I hope things progress better for you. The beginning of a new term is always most difficult, and even after any school holiday. I am glad that this is J's final year. I decided if I didn't get support I would de-register him from school and home-school him instead, but I think we are doing ok now.

Louise

It's great that your school have been understanding - ours is now but it was a struggle. We had referes and diagnosis from GP's and various professionals from CAMHS ( i have to say they were no help to us at all and went for 3 years ) but the school still insisted my son had to be in all day every day !! Its a shame really that some are better at helping than others. If my son didn't go in that it would be unauthorised and unless they had a firm diagnosis that my son was so unwell he couldn't attend school then i would have been prosecuted - i had three seperate ones so they did back off. Some LEA's including ours have prosecuted for non attendance for as little as 6 weeks non attendance. Parent Partnership were excellent and supported me all the way, and we have CBT provided by anxiety action. All in all its cost me thousands of pounds to help my son through all this, its a shame its taken years for them to sit up and listen to me.

Sarah xx

Hi Linda

no he has not managed in yet, I was starting to get really worried so I phoned the tutor, he was so nice and told me not to worry, he said my son is registered for the course and he can just come in when he is able, he also said that when they find some one as gifted as my son is then they will go out of there way to help, that was nice to hear. I'm still struggling a wee bit, but i think i just need to be patient.

I think its hard for us when our child tells us that they are not feeling well, our mind goes into over drive thinking 'are they really unwell' but we just have to work through it with them, it was great that he went in yesterday.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Dorothy,

Sorry your so hasn't been able to go in but what a nice thing for the tutor to say about him. It is hard to be patient after all you have been through!

You are right regarding how we react if they say they are ill. My son accuses me of having no sympathy when he is ill and I have to be careful of that because I am so focused on 'is he really sick' that I feel reluctant to give him all the sympathy he needs if he is actually ill!

I think part of the problem at the moment is also related to an event he seems to have got himself into by default. He is involved in a history competition where he and a partner will present in front of three judges at a venue on Sunday. Doesn't sound like an SR kid does it!? He said he never meant to be in this but couldn't seem to find how to say no! Seems not many kids are involved, so it really did surprise me. He has been worrying all week despite refusing to enter into any discussion when I have brought it up. He does not want to let down his partner - so feels trapped. I am hoping it all does happen but as he is at his father's this weekend I am not witness to the anxiety. Personally I think it is too much for him to handle but if he can handle it - he will know he can push through when things are tough like this. Just have to see how it goes but I have to keep my empathy in a box as it has a tendency in case like this to make me feel anxious for him!! I am sure we all feel this every time our kids have to face something they fear - I think my anxiety levels have increased over the past few years. I don't remember being like this before.

HOpe your son starts to gain his confidence. Are there small steps that can be taken - like go in but not stay, then go in stay for short time etc or is it like most SR - the getting there is really the hurdle?
Linda x

Linda hope your som manages Sunday, but if he doesn't then he hs given it his best shot.

We are going through a bit of a bad day today, my son has read in the paper about the hurricane about to hit the UK and it has frightened him so much. I tried to laugh it off but then he gets mad saying that i think he is stupid - this is far from the truth but i am trying to be more laid back about it. He has been in the garden this morning sorting everything out that can be blown away including a 16 foot trampoline !! Its so sad to see such a wonderful lad suffer like that.

Anyway lets see how it goes.

Lots of love to all

Sarah xx

Hi Linda

yes its the getting in thats the problem, i know that once he gets in then he will settle down, we'll see what next week brings.

It would be really good if your son manages to do this, it would boost his confidence no end, keep in touch and let us know, I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Take care
Dorothy x