I just want to know if there are any families out there in a similar situation.

My son is 12 but since grade 3 going to school has been a nightmare for him. We've been though medication, punishment, positive reinforcement (bribery!!) but nothing seems to work. What I can't understand is that he is very popular, articulate, good looking with no definitely diagnosed learning difficulties or ADHD. He just wants to be on the skateboard with his friends all day! Sometimes I think that he's playing up but when I see the tears and anxiety on a school morning I'm not so sure. He's now started junior high and the first week was great until....he got under pressure with too much homework (he didn't do any of it) and then refused entirely to go. I just want encouragement because I am fed up of meetings again with teachers, principles, advisors and psychologists!!!

Hi Yael,

Welcome to the forum - we do understand exactly what you mean. If you read through some back posts on here you will come across stories very similar to your son's.
It is a hard and frustrating road. The only way forward I found - for peace of my own mind - was when I accepted the situation as anxiety and that my son couldn't help it. That doesn't mean there are days when they won't push the situation to avoid falling into anxiety - but they genuinely have the anxiety and it really does make them fearful. The trouble is - they don't exactly know what they are afraid of but getting to school seems to be the huge issue as you have discovered over the last few years.

My son has had SR since Prep and is now 12. He has times where he goes well and then has setbacks and just can't get into school, especially after illness or holidays or long weekends or if there is a more unpredictable activity/event coming up at school that day (excursions, tests, performances, sports days etc).
He has friends, he is well liked, not shy, loves his football etc...but it makes no difference. He also places too higher expectations on himself and also does not do homework(perhaps as a result of this) but then that causes further stress for him.

We have done the psychologists cycle too and just worked with a psychiatrist. She felt there wasn't actually much she could do at this stage until my son wanted to receive specific help (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). He has had some CBT before and it has helped his thoughts or at least helped me to help turn around his thoughts. The emphasis is now back on me to try and get my son to school as much as I can but to not stress out completely when I don't. She felt it was also vital to have a united front as parents on this whether in the same house or not. But that also meant both parents have to accept and understand as well as encourage and talk about how important it is to get to school as well as get out of the house to do other things.

I feel for you and what you are going through - it isn't easy, is it?
Have you done all that you can with the school etc in terms of CAHMS? Read the other posts on here and you might get more of an idea of some steps further you can take in the UK (sorry I'm from down under but assume you are in the UK?).

Feel free to vent your frustration on here - it has been a tremendous help to me over the past couple of years and given me the confidence, knowing that others out there are going through the same thing.
Take care,
Linda

Hi Linda

thanks so much for your support and helpful comments. I will read the past posts. I actually live in Israel (I was born in UK) and I haven't heard from the professionals the term SR. Probably because previously my son exacerbated his difficulty by being both violent and depressed so the first line of treatment was geared to that. Intuitively (letting him go in late and giving him a lot of encouragement) and with the help of a very understanding form teacher we got him going to school almost every day last year and he was quite happy and no violence. I thought we were on the right path but now he's started junior high school and we are nearly back to square one. We have a meeting with his new form teacher and school councillor on Monday - I hope they have heard of SR!!!

Hi Yael,

Seems SR is worldwide! It is not necessarily recognised and is certainly often misunderstood - so not surprising if Israel has not got a term that is used to describe this. I had not heard of this term, nor was it mentioned until my son suffered this for at least two years. I thought we were both going insane at the time!! More and more people will get to hear about it though as there is more support than even 6 years ago when my son first had SR. There is also more research and some books available (check out the postings that Simon has put up on the site that list a few resources and also on-line contacts).

Perhaps it is like Donna's son (see recent post) where starting Junior High School is going to be a set back. There are just so many new expectations and so much unpredictability, not to mention trying to make new friends or maintain old ones. I imagine my son will have a set back next year as well.

With your support and the support if you can get it from the school - then all you can do is let your son know you understand what he is going through and that you have to try and get him to keep going to school if possible (we know facing one's fears does make them less - but it is very hard for anyone suffering from anxiety to see or feel this of course).

If the school is not helpful, can you look for help privately? Cognitive Behaviour Therapy seems to be very helpful with anxiety and has helped my son to some degree but as he has been told - he has to 'want' to have this help, otherwise it is hard to take it on board. We gave up on the school and went private for help from a psychologist and a psychiatrist who works with anxiety and children and adolescents. The only reason we went to the psych was because I thought my son was at a stage where he needed medication. Things turned out for the better at that point - so he doesn't need medication but it can't be ruled out as a possibility in the future if things get too tough again.

Good luck on Monday. Let us know how you go and keep in touch as it can be quite a lonely road out there when it feels that no one understands. We all do know what it is like on here.
Take care,
Linda

Yael

Hi and welcome. Linda gave you some very good advise and to read through all our past threads, you will find a lot of common ground and very useful advise. Unfortunately there is no quick fix, lots of us have been suffering for years but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Education doesn't have to be now, ir really doesn't matter if they fall behind they will catch up. I was one of those parents that really wanted my sons to be in the top class and do well - don't get me wrong i wasn't over pushy but it did matter to me. Now hey that doesn't matter - all i want is for him to gain confidence and be happy, everything else will fall into place.

Stay strong and keep posting. By being there and supporting your son shows what a great mother you are.

Love Sar xx

thanks Sarah - your post and Linda's have given me much encouragement. I have the meeting with the new school in a few hours and your words will be with me! It took me 4 years to semi-accept my son's difficulty and I must admit that sometimes I still keep getting that nagging feeling of why? that's why I say semi. In the beginning I was sure that he was being manipulative just to get out of "boring" school because he loved it in the first and second grades. But third grade meant homework, tests and a old-school, no nonsense form teacher which led to running away, punishments and then he became violent, suicidal and depressed. The next few years meant therapists, medication, school mentors plus a tense situation in the home when my husband and I would clash on what we thought was best for him. In the end against all of the professionals advice I sided with my husband (it was either that or split up!!) who had a "radical" idea of paying him to go to school! My son said if you get paid to go to work, why can't I get paid to go to school.It did help plus his extremely understanding new form teacher allowed him not to do homework and come in to school late or leave early without reprimanding him. He was actually going to school everyday in the last few months of elementary. As I said - now we are starting the battle again. I hope the new school will agree to special conditions for him. I noticed that many SR sufferers are triggered by a situation like bullying or low self esteem. Thankfully my son has not experienced that - in fact with all his behaviour he managed to maintain popularity in the class and has a good group of friends. This however adds to my problem of not understanding him but I am beginning to realize that I don't need to understand I just need to accept him for who he is. Easy to say - hard to do but I'm getting there!

Yael

I wish you all the very best with the meeting - i know how you feel and its not nice at all. I dont think we ever really understand it not 100% and if paying your son helped then so be it, you do what is right for your son and also your family because it puts a strain on everyone.

Let us know how it goes, and we are with you all the way.

Love Sarah xx

Thanks Sarah

Reading your previous post really helped me keep positive at the meeting.

Yael