I had the meeting with form teacher and school adviser at my son's new school (junior high) today. I actually do feel quite positive although what we were asking for raised a lot of eyebrows. We explained that the only thing that works with our son is understanding, no pressure, no punishment for not doing homework or being late. Accepting that there will be days that he won't come to school and just giving positive feedback and encouragement. The first reaction was but "what about his grades" "all the children have to do homework" " it's against school rules to be late" etc.....There was one moment in the conversation that I mentioned School Refusal to which the adviser said yes but SR is only if there has been a trauma in the family and this is not the case here!!! I remembered some of the other posts here so quickly said well it doesn't matter what you call it, he does have emotional difficulties and anxiety. They did appear willing to cooperate although I know it's going to take more meetings, assessments, probably talking to all the different subject teachers and constant explaining so its back to the battle but I feel we're on the right track!!!

Hi Yael

Well sounds slightly positive - what do you think ? I do take offence at the mention of SR indicates there has been a trauma in the family, this certainly isn't the case with most of us on here - the problem is the school. Why don't school just accept that some children just don't suit school and it causes all sorts of problems and anxieties, don't think they want to admit it could quite possibly be a problem with the system ??

Chin up, and keep in touch

Sar xx

I know - it's so frustrating. But as I have said, if I have difficultly understanding my child how can I expect the school to. Schools need labels in order to accept and accommodate kids who are not mainstream. That's why I thought if I mentioned SR they would be more helpful. The problem is that SR is not yet recognized for what it is. The adviser might have had a half hour course on the subject and thus come to her own conclusions! What also annoyed me was that she only knew me for five minutes and she outright determined that there hadn't been a trauma in the family - there hadn't but how could she know that!!Anyway on a positive note she and the teacher did appear willing to help. I realize now that only the parents are the child's advocate and we have to constantly explain and battle for their needs to make the school accommodate them and not the other way round.

Hi Yael,

IT sounds like you have at least made your needs known and this might get them thinking. Your requests to the school are perfectly reasonable. My son's school finally sat up and listened this year and have taken all this into account. My son is not punished or made to feel guilty for turning up late, not doing homework and not attending certain events etc. I think this has really helped him to get into school this last term. Past teachers have just not understood and said he had to follow school rules. That attitude of 'we can't make an exception'.....which really annoys me!! (especially seeing I was a teacher and found making exceptions for kids that needed it could make a world of difference to them and had little effect on others).

I forgot to ask you - has your son been assessed/diagnosed with anxiety by a doctor/specialist/psychologist? If so - then the school has an obligation to work with you (this doesn't mean they will but it give you a bit more strength when negotiating).

Good luck with the next step. SR is actually not usually referred to in reference to a trauma as far as I know. For our kids, what is a trauma, anyway? Lots of things feel like a trauma to them.
Take care,
Linda

It's good to know that I'm the only one! Friends and family just don't get it. We are going to get him assessed. He had an assessment when it started 4 years ago and the conclusion was depression. It's school holidays here in Israel for the Jewish festivals so I'm nice and relaxed and enjoying my holiday son! What a difference! Interestingly there was an article in an Israeli newspaper about the necessity of homework and research that showed that the kids that had more homework were less successful in their studies in the long run. The article sited Alfie Kohn's book " The homework myth" http://www.alfiekohn.org/books/hm.htm

Hi Yael,

Yes there is definitely a noticeable difference at holiday time, isn't there!
Regarding homework - I am second generation opposed to homework. My father wrote letters to the school saying he did not believe we should have homework (for same reasons stated by Alfie Kohn) and I have done the same. Not doing it had no effect on my family and when I have thought it might help my SR son - only found it brought conflict. This is just in Primary school at the moment - so might be harder to refuse at high school.

Our SR kids prove that missing school even, does not mean they fail. Education is not just at school or school work (as Sue on here has kindly reminded us on occasions when we all feel that our child is missing out).

Good luck with the assessment. I found an assessment helped me explain it to others better and thus brought some understanding.
Linda