Hi everyone,
Its the first time ive been on here and need some advice on what to do...
My daughter 15, just started year 11 has refused to go school for the last 3 days, she has been very very distressed in the mornings and has cried and looked paniky etc at the thought of going, she has had quite a lot of time off since starting high school due to health problems...she has a happy home life,no behaviour issues,she has friends, no bullying etc but has never 'liked' school since the age of 3, i feel she has just tolerated it.. she works hard and has kept up with studies..had very little support from school in previous years around this. She came home wednesday and said she never going back as she gets no help and feels invisable to the teachers - i didn't think she meant it! thursday morning - so so upset, I had to ring school to tell them, i managed to get her their for a meeting with one of the mentors - she was almost crawling the walls just wanted to get out of there, we stayed 10 mins and then she was too distressed, friday morning - again just beside herself, couldnt convince her to go in - spoke to school and they said they need her to be there to try and help her, dont think they realise how distressed she was, she refused to get ready etc etc, weekend she been her normal happy self, saw her getting her bag ready last night and then this morning - tears and upset again, convinced her to put her uniform on to at least go and talk to school, she did, we went for a chat, i could see her getting more anxious the closer we got, she wouldnt get out of car and then did, got to school steps and she ran back to car, got inside reception i spoke to receptionist turned my back and she rang off up the sch drive, i went out to her and mentor came out to us, my daughter was very upset and said she can't go back in there she just cant do it anymore, she ran out of school grounds - we are back home and awaiting a call from school. Also taking her to GP at 2pm, not sure why, sch thought i should. She knows the implications of not going, says she wishes she could, and doesnt like feeling like this but just cant do it anymore - im at a loss...its like a switch has gone and she just had enough..sorry its such a waffle and long winded, family just dont seem to understand and think i should be able to make her...
Any advice I would be really gratefull.

Thanks

Lisax

Welcome to our group, Lisa. I am so glad that you have found us so early in the process, as there are several parents here (mostly mothers, it has to be said) who will be able to offer support.

So much of what you say sounds so familiar. Sadly, what we find difficult to do is find a cure.

From what you say, it looks as though the school does have a fairly supportive structure, which is a good start. Their acknowledgement that there might be a medical problem is also helpful. Doctors can be good listeners, so maybe something will come out that helps put this into perspective.

Recent posts on this Forum refer to the 'just make her go' mentality of some, as if you can just pick up a 15 year old and carry her into school! It isn't like that.

Can I make a couple of practical suggestions? Make notes of all meetings, etc, to use both to show what you have been doing to help your daughter back into school, and so that you have a record of what has been done and said before when you meet other support agencies. And so that you can keep track of promises made.

Time school meetings for when pupils are in class, so your daughter does not have to see hordes of people at a time when she is feeling fragile.

My third suggestion is to ensure that she maintains contact with her friends, who may not understand what is happening, but whom your daughter will need on her side when she is able to return to classes.

The lights are flickering - I think we are about to have a powercut...

Remember, we are here when you need us. We do understand what you both are going through.

Simon

Hi

Thanks Simon for all your suggestions, things i'd not really thought about as as you say, its very early days.

Can't say how relieved I have felt reading some of the posts and knowing its not just us! Its just frustrating and worrying and not knowing what the right thing is to do...

What I didn't mention on my first post is my daughter is quite claustrophobic but this has never really caused any major problems - except when we were on holiday in the summer and she got locked in, and she really freaked out... we just tried to make no big deal out of it as not to draw too much attention and get on with things..on returning to school she started to get really paniky during lessons and in crowded corridoors, so was given a card so she could leave lessons a couple of minutes early to aviod the rush and if she needed a break during lessons - this seems to have helped. So not sure if anxiety has increased and this is not helping with school and part of why she is refusing to go - but she says not. Just she does not want to be there etc.

Well i have been to see the GP who was mmmmmm not sure what the word is im looking for...but spoke to my daughter like she was a 5 year old and didn't really understand why we were there! n just that its a legal obligation to go - great help, just what she needed. But we did briefly discuss the claustraphobia and she did suggest CAMHS to help with this? any one had any dealings with them etc?

Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Lisa

Hi Lisa

You will find so much support on here so keep posting and absolutley agree with everything Simon said. It's a shame your GP wasn't so understanding - i was fortunate that mine had written a paper on SR so totally understood. With regards to CAMHS I did find them helpful and they gave me support and advise, but after a while my son hated going as he said it was the same thing over and over again. My son too can't handle crowds so that was a major problem. I do suggest you contact CAMHS - thinking about it your GP or the school should refer you. My advise everytime is CBT - it worked wonders for my son. We struggled for 3 years not getting anywhere, but after only a few weeks CBT he had completely changed it was wonderful.

Hope this helps. Your daughter needs all the support you can give her, she can't help the way she feels none of our children can but love and support works wonders.

Keep posting

Love Sar xx

Hi Lisa,

I dont' come on the site so much now as my daughter is 17 and is looking to go to Uni next year when she finishes her college course, so we are proof that you can come through this.

I just felt I had to write to you. Please don't worry .... you are not alone! We all know how you are both feeling and you will get through this difficult time, it may be a long road but there are so many on here to offer you support and advice. I've made some good friends and they've saved my life so many times.

Simon and Sarah have already given you great advice and I agree with them both. Contact CAHMS and make notes. At least that way you are 'in the system' a 'diagnosis' also helps with your case.

I would just like to add that you need to accept how your daughter is, dont try to make her like others, she cant be like them, she cant get into school and you simply cant make her. Accept her as she is, let her know you are on her side, she needs to be able to trust you completely.
Our young ones are very bright, they just go along a different road to others. As we all say on here ... small steps.

Take care and remember to keep smiling.

Sue and M. xx

Thank you thank you thank you for all your words and support...means so much.

My daughter is planning on going college next september and Im worrying about that already - guess need to take it one day at a time!

I'm just having a cuppa and feeling a bit teary this morning(trying to compose myself before my daughter gets up!have knots in my stomach just wondering what today will bring) - think i've kept it all in and felt alone over the last week, and now realise that we are not alone and people do understand.

Discusssed Camhs with her last night and she seems ok about a referral, so im going to contact my GP this morning to ask her to complete this for her.

Yes I have to accept her for who she is and have decided this morning after reading the forum to back off and not try and persuade her so much to go to school and just go with how she feels. She is my beatiful and amazing daughter and will be with her 100 % and do whatever it takes to help her through this.

Again thank you so much for your comments and I know I waffle a bit - but it just seems to be helping at the moment :-)

Lisa

I'm trying to stay strong and smile through the tears..

Does anyone know what the best information etc is I can print out and pass onto teachers/education welfare about school refusal? I guess im just worrying they are going to think she just 'truanting' when this is clearly not the case as she is so distressed.

Thanks
Lisa

Hi Lisa,

Hope you manage to feel a bit stronger as things progress but it is a rollercoaster and we are certainly familiar with those tight knots in the stomach! There are a lot of posts on this forum but it is worth reading through some of them and seeing what others have done before you that might assist you on the road ahead.

It is good to get a diagnosis from someone who does understand, so if the local doctor isn't the one then you might need to wait for CAHMS or find yourself a psychologist who does understand anxiety. Cognitive Behaviour therapy might help your daughter at her age as she might want something that she can work with but often kids just want a magical wand and unfortunately there is no such thing.

We are here to listen to anything you want to off load. We all do that sometimes and it really does help. This forum has helped me put things in perspective and cope with the situation. It is just so nice to have others who understand.

The site mentioned by Lindy - the 'Scared of Schools' might be something good for your daughter to check out. And as Simon mentioned - it is very important that your daughter try and keep up with her friends. It is easy for them to close down and shut off from everyone.
Keep letting us know how things are going - it's a pretty hard time for you and your daughter at the moment - but there are always new days, new weeks and something turns up to help or support. Acceptance is hard - but makes it easier to deal with this.
Take care -
Linda

Lisa - just a quick one has don't have much time at the moment but i will let you know where to get your info from - i have files full.

Post later x

Thanks again for your messages - support is really appreciated. She not gone to school again today, was very upset and saying she wants to go and wishes she could, so hard seeing her like that and feeling helpless.

Lisa
x

Had a call from head of year this evening. Not very understanding at all, says the longer it goes on the harder it will get and its her final year etc etc - as if i don't know! Says needs to come in asap to 'break the behaviour'...They have done referral to Ed welfare today so look forward to her call..unfortunately I have had bad experience with EWO about 3 years ago(when my daughter was off due to having an operation on her back and had an open wound for nearly 8 mths, but they still thought she should be going school even tho against medical advice) and its the same one, thought she was miss all high and mighty grrrrr - wish it wasn't her! - just hope in the last 3 years she's been brought down a peg or 2! sorry really need to rant about it, frustration setting in tonight! Tomorrow is another day...
Lisa
x

Lisa - stay strong. Not helpful when the so called professional state the b******* obvious - yes she needs to be in school thats what you are trying to achieve for goodness sake !! With regards to the EWO, their job or so i thought was to assist families with attendance not critisice, so i hope she helps you. With regards to info if you google school phobia / school refusal there is an awful lot of info on the web, some better than others, but with regards to schools google West Sussex Emotional Based School Refusal, sit yourself down with a cuppa and have a good read, very interesting they seem to have the right idea.

Tomorrow is another day, and if it's not good so be it, it isn't the end of the world. My son hasn't been to school for nearly 3 out of the last 4 years, he too is in his last year, and i tell you something he will get better results now than if he was at school, but my priority is his mental wellbeing, not certificates.

Keep posting

Sar xx

Apologies it's West Sussex County Council Emotional Based School Refusal.

Sarah - thank you!

I will have a look at the information.

Your so right, her mental well being is more important that anything else. She has tolerated school since the age of 3 (She (and me!)cried for the first 2 - 3 years 4 out of 5 morning and then just accepted she had to go) i feel she just had enough now and thats it she just doesnt want go back ever, can't blame her really when she put up with it for so long. I did consider home schooling a few years ago when health issues prevented her going - so wish i'd taken that decision, but got talked out of it - shouldve trusted my own insticts, but can't go back so no point dwelling and blaming myself. Just have to do all that I can now and do what we feel is right.

Thanks again

Lisa
xx

Lisa - don't ever blame yourself you do what you think is right at the time, it's so easy to look back and think if only we all have.

Have a look at the document and see what you think, it states that "Emotional Based School Refusal" is classified as an illness and they offer some support with a tutor ( unless this has changed but a i doubt it )

Drop me a line when you have had a read and let me know what you think.

Love Sarah xx