I'm feeling a little out of my depth - any advice greatly recieved on what to do each morning?

Do I keep trying? Each morning is a new day - but what do i do? Its only been a week but do I keep trying to get my daughter to go to school, with all the emotional upset its causing her? She's getting out of bed etc but whenever I try to talk to her about going to school she just gets really upset - or do I not? knowing she's going to get upset anyway? anytime apart from the morning when I try to talk to her about school she will talk to me but just gets emotional, but I feel I cant just ignore it, but dont want to keep pushing the subject - just feeling helpless and hopeless today..not had any contact from school since Tuesday so just waiting for call from EWO or should i contact them first?

Lisa
xx

Oh Lisa i do feel sorry for you and i don't know if there is a right answer. I did push my son every morning and it was sheer hell but didn't know what to do. I was later told by my psyologist that it was making matters worse !! My advise is to contact the EWO and the school and see if you can work out if possible as part time time table. This eventually worked for my son for about 6 months and after a few weeks he was back full time, but again this may not suit your daughter. My EWO was good so worked with me the GP and the psycologist. Your daughter needs to feel in control of her life as did my son and we started by going in at lunch only, the registation the the odd lesson ( he had been off for 12 months when this was put into place. Im sorry im not much help but thats what i would try.

Keep in touch

Sarah xx

Lisa - what i did fail to say was this worked from Christmas until the new school year. My son went back first day after the summer holidays fine, but the school had "cocked up" his class so we did go back to sqaure one. Anyway my son is sitting here with me - inbetween reading macbeth and i have just asked his advise. He said - make sure your daughter knows you are only doing what is best for her ( im sure she does anyway ) but she needs choices. Ask her what she wants and what she feels capable of doing. She needs to feel she is in control in order for her to be able to cope. If this means going in late or only going into certain subjects and the school agree then thats what is best for her and she can build upon this. At the moment she is so anxious she can't see the woods for the trees and needs support. Schools aren't very good at giving children choices as they think they are just picking and choosing, well Im sorry but with children like ours they need choices.

Hope this helps, and again the offer is there if you need to speak with me.

Sarah xx

Thank you so much Sarah, (and your son) for the advice. After reading your reply I have spoke to my daughter about different subjects etc and she has said a couple she thinks she would be okay with (these seem to be the ones where she feels the teachers actually give more support with work etc)she said if only she could get herself in there, as she says just the thought of the building starts to make her feel panicked. But she thinks just doing an odd lesson is a good idea, so thats a positive, but she says at the minute she cant but has given her something to think about. Maybe this will help her, thinking she does not need to do a full day or moring or afternoon. I'm sure school would agree, as they saw her so upset and said they would be happy for her to go in to do anything.

Im going to wait until the end of day today and if no contact from EWO will give them a call in the morning. Thanks for the offer of a chat, will see how the next few days pan out and may take you up on the offer next week.

Lisaxx

Also Sarah, meant to say that i have read most of the info you gave me the link for, very interesting reading and have printed a copy of for reference if I need to during any meetings etc.

Thanks
Lisa
xx

I am soooo angry and frustrated I need to scream!!!! but no instead I just sat on my bed and cried!
School have seen, twice on the 2 days we managed to get there what a state my daughter has been in...and on Monday while she was running off up the school drive in a panic, I stood talking to the mentor and said I need help, I have no idea what to do....I spoke to the head of year on Tuesday and said the same...I dont know what to do...they said we have referred to EWO today - so me been stupid thought, Great maybe will get some help/support and that school would tell EWO what the problem is - but oh no....I had a **** standard letter through the post this evening, quoting legal implications and fines if she does not go, and during next 20 days she should have no unauthorised absences etc etc ...Have they completed missed the point, is it normal for people to just not communicate anymore! Every standard letter needs to be burnt!! im just offloading as noone else to do it to, except this forum at the moment who understands...Just so so annoyed!! If this is how its been for some over long periods of time - I take my hat off to you all......

Lisaxx

Lisa - OMG where is the support ? I can't believe they have acted that quickly. Remind me have you seen your GP and CAMHS ? You need to get some sort of sick note to get your daughter signed off as it is obvious she is not well. I suggest and it's only my opinion but i would try and speak with the EWO and ask for her help, ie slow integration back into school. Im sure the letter is just a standard procedure because there are alot of truants out there so unfortunately we all get put under the same umbrella.

Stay strong, i know how hard it is.

Call if you need me.

Sarah xx

HI Lisa,

I hope you are feeling a bit better - sorry I was asleep down here in Australia when you posted last time! I couldn't believe what I read- about the letter. That is just so quick. Your daughter hasn't even had much time off yet, has she?
I am sure you have taken a few deep breaths by now and calmed down - it is so stressful for you.

We have probably all had the miscommunication thing happening but can't say I recall anything so incredibly quick. I assume they just pop those notices in the post after a week with no medical certificate or notification that indicates 'illness'. I'd recommend what Sarah suggests re a note from GP regarding illness. It is an illness as your daughter is emotionally and therefore physically ill at the moment.

I did once get a letter but very mild from the school after my son had been an SR for two years. It was such a general letter about not taking your child shopping on school days or leaving unexplained absences etc that I could at least smile. But then I returned home one day to have a message from the principal saying 'Your son HAS to attend school and you should be taking steps to ensure this" despite the conversations I had been having with others at the school! So - miscommunications do happen and I am sure this is the case with your daughter.

As for what to do in a morning. This is a tough one. For a very long time I fought with my son over the complete meltdowns but it made me and him more ill. I was so stressed out I had to take anti-depressants. Then I stepped back and accepted that this was the situation and set out to get the help that was needed and see what happened. It has taken me years but my son was very young when this started. For him - having the psychiatrist actually helped (but a good psychologist will too) in that strategies were discussed with parents and him (my ex was involved too).

We came up with a plan that one day off was ok but two days meant that both parents had to talk him through his emotions and try to encourage him to get there, even if a bit later.
This seems to have been working but on the other hand ....something also just clicked into place with friendships and he went this last term despite hardly any attendance the two terms before. So....I am not sure what advice to give...but your daughter does need some strength inside herself to tackle even a few subjects. She needs to know that yes - you will try each morning to get her there as it is in her best interests but that you do know there might be a point where you both need to sit down and talk about alternatives. I think telling my son that I was actually going to try and get him to go even if he said no - just so that he knew that was in place - also helped. Sometimes he actually thanked me later for having not given up in a morning as then he didn't have to go through the self guilt and then the having to face the kids several days later and come up with an excuse as to why he couldn't go. When I did try to get him there, however, at that point I stopped feeling like crying and yelling (still stressed though) _ I tried very hard to just talk or say things like ' just keep going to get up and we can discuss further along the way re going in late etc' or I just quietly asked him to get dressed. I also gave him some 'Bach Rescue REmedy drops' and who knows ...but it has helped him. He now asks for it if he feels the panic coming on. They are also often in denial, however, so will swear they are actually sick with an 'illness' this time. Your daughter, however, might be able to recognise it as anxiety - in which case she is way ahead.

For your daughter this is all a new feeling - so she will need time to come to terms with it. Everyone will tell you (the school - the psychologists) to keep trying but only you and your daughter will know the point at which you both need to take some time out on that one and reassess what to do. And you will note from the posts on here - that if that means that school becomes impossible, then there are alternatives - it is most certainly not the end of the road.

Good luck - and I hope that posting on here lets the steam out ....best to share with those of us who do understand but if you do have some steam left - I'd give the school a blast about that letter!! As if you didn't have enough to cope with!
Take care -
Linda
PS Sorry for the long posting here!

Hi Lisa,

Don't let the school bully you! Your daughter has an illness and cannot attend. If she had a broken leg or worse, would they take the same stance? Our youngsters have an 'illness' which sadly isnt understood by a lot of professionals.
Sadly the EWO's job is to get the child into school, her job is lead by attendance figures. Our EWO was pretty useless and we never met her but we were sent many mesages from her via the school, all of which were unhelpful, she simply had no understanding of SR.
Try to get a referral to CAHMS as they have a little more understanding and once your daughter is diagnosed things will become a little easier.
Please dont make your daughter go to school, in my opinion, it will just make things worse.
As Sarah said, they need to feel in control of their life a little more, maybe try a part time timetable. Let the school know that you will try to meet them halfway and whatever you do let your daughter know you are on her side. She doesnt understand why she feels the way she does either.
Take care.

Sue and M. xx

Thank you all for your replies to my rant!! This place is like a bit of a life line at the moment...Had a very restless night last night as you can imagine...

Unfortunately I feel they just do but everyone, here at least under the same umbrella if they can not physically see anything wrong with you - I had the same problem when she was off with a back injury for quite a while. They thought then that she was truanting - even tho medical info from doctors and consultants, they just seem to be looking at attendance and thats it - no bigger picture. It baffles me, especially when the GP said on Monday that its obviously school thats causing her the problem.

I did take my daughter to see the GP on Monday and they have done a ref to Cahms - so will give it a few days and then chase it up and give more details about the situation.

Its true she really doesn't understand why she has these feelings and until we can somehow get these under control I cant see how she can even manage to go in for even 1 lesson.
I think I got so cross last night I even just thought of saying," you know what forget it, i'm just not going put her through it anymore as she had a rough few years medically and tolerating school and enough is enough - just keep her at home and home school her..." but I worry, how does she go on about doing the GCSE's etc etc etc, what about the social aspect etc etc is that just giving up and sending her the wrong message, or is it looking afte her mental health - I dont know.

Anyway think i've waffled enough for this morning...going to get her up out of bed, see how it goes, then make phonecalls to school, parent partnership and EWO...

Thanks you all again so much - cant tell you how you've helped this week - amazing!!

Lisa
xxxx

Just had visit from EWO following my phonecall to school this morning to find out if they had told her why my daughter was not in school - apparantly they had not, just said she was not in attendace to EWO, hence the letter.

EWO says.....I have to get a medical note from GP asap, for her absences from school not to be classified as unauthorised, it has to say she is unfit to attend and be specific eg until seen by Cahms and then see what cahms say. EWO said it's usually at least 5 - 6 weeks before apt with Camhs. If GP will not give letter and she still cant get into school then we will be issued with a fine as early as end of next week, 1 fine for me and 1 fine for my husband, as even tho they no the reason there is no medical evidence to say she can not be in school! Even tho teachers have seen her in a state and she has just had a meltdown with ~EWO when she was trying to talk to her about school.

Asked if she wanted to change school, but EWO did say not really a good idea.

Think EWO trying to find out why she doesnt want to go in school, but my daughter is vague as just gets upset at the thought of going, and EWO doesn't seem satisfied with that.

She also said school are unlikely to send any work home for her unless a medical note as they are not obliged to...

She also asked if my daughter was seeing friends and getting out and about etc - i said she usually sees friends during the day on a saturday, she said to me and my daughter that we need to be careful as if seen out and about with friends by teachers etc etc then it would appear she is well and therefore able to attend school! yes she may have well of said that she needs to lock herself in the house and hide away - well thats going to do her mental health a lot of good! Have to add that i told my daughter to ignore that comment and if she wanted to see her friends anytime that its not a problem.

Well i guess we have to see what GP says, and if he wont give a medical note then we are in for it by the ed welfare system and you would think that school would have enough about them to send work home even if they not obliged to...but I'm doing work with her so not really an issue.

next 5 - 6 weeks going to be along time waiting with nothing happening...

Lisa
xx

Lisa - As the GP has referred your daughter to CAMHS then we/she realises there is a problem so i would think they woould support you. Lisa you need to keep a note of everything, every conversation every letter so you can prove you are doing your best. My EWO always said because we worked with them and co-operated then it went along way to helping. Our original EWO was a nightmare and threatened to get the police to take M to school - as if it's a police matter.

Anyway stay strong and we will help you all the way.

Sarah xx

Hi Lisa,

Its hard enough for you dealing with the day to day situation...let alone those who are supposed to support you but seem to not be taking the situation seriously enough from your daughter's perspective. Sorry you are facing this.

If your GP won't give a note - I'd try another doctor? My son has seen a couple of different GPS and both understanding, luckily, and have taken the matter very seriously. It sounds awfully quick that a process of fines is put into place! And this in itself is not uniform across the UK by the sound of it.

Being vague about what might cause the anxiety as your daughter has indicated - is the nature of anxiety - the EWO should know this. As for meeting with friends- I'd agree with you - the last thing you want is for her friends to disappear - keeping friends will be vital for her mental health overall.
What a weird thing for them to say!

Provide them with all the information you can on SR. I also wrote letters to the school and included information about what SR is and asked for it to be provided to teachers who taught my son. I just didn't trust that a conversation would provide all the necessarily details.
Let us know how things progress and stay strong.....there are always small steps that will be a positive in all of this and there are alternatives to attending school.
Take care,
Linda

I dont want to worry you - but CAMHS can take a long time - depending on where you are
usually you get whats called a choices appointment - ours took 11 weeks from referal
thats with 2 members of CAMHS who then decide what action to take
we had our choices in june, nothing happened until a few weeks ago, we have been reffered to a team but still nothing started yet

so it can be very slow

keep phoning as they forget to write to us after referal so that delayed things a bit


my daughter is unable to leave the house at all now - and still we have to wait

do you have the educational psych on board? they can be helpful, or maybe community paedriatrician

I would also call the child law centre - they can give you advice on the lkegal aspects

our case has gone to the childrens legal department despite everything I have done to help my DD and the very long waits for the help she needs - so it can all turn into a nightmare

like I say I dont want to scare you but while you are waiting its good to find out things

Jezebel - im sorry your daughter will not longer leave the house, it is very upsetting as we had about 6-8 months of the same but eventually he managed to start and see the outside world. I understand about the wait for CAMHS so i would also contact parent partnership, they have offices all over the country and for us they were a god send. They are totally independant and offer lots of support and will even support you in meetings. Also do the school have a parent support worker ? Most schools do but unless you need one most parents don't know they exist.

The more you can show you are doing your best to get her back to school and support her i think you will be fine. Keep records of everything.

Hope this helps.

Sarah xx

Thanks everyone for replies and support...very much appreciated.
Im just feeling a bit deflated at the minute with it all, had a week of phonecalls and emails and meeting etc etc, trying to do everything i can and keep everyone informed. She still not goin in school will not even go in for a meeting or anything, been in touch with parent partnership and they ringing me back tomorrw, going for attendance meeting next thurs at civic centre. I'm doing everything i possiblly can to support her and keep everyone informed etc, so in the frame of mind that they can do and say whatever they want, i know i cant do anymore.

Thanks Lisaxx

Good luck Lisa and I do hope Parent Partnership can support you along the way - they do sound like they have been very helpful to others in the past.

Keep your chin up - you are doing your best. Your daughter might consider attending meetings if she starts to acknowledge what she has as anxiety and it needs working on. Have you told her that there are lots of others feeling just the same that you have found via this forum? She probably feels very alone - I know my son has expressed this. If she doesn't attend meetings- that's ok too.
Take care and let us know how things go.
Linda

i know how you feel i have always kept the school informed as to whats going on but that never seems enough. i keep getting told that i will get in trouble if j isnt in school i now have to send a copy of appointment letters in to prove that i am doing what i say im doing.
i get really fed up but rember your daughters wellbeing is the most important thing.
i have a meeting on monday and i am going to stand up to them this time and not be made to feel like a bad mother.
best wishes
jennifer

Jennifer and Lisa,

I am not sure how big your schools are but according to the statistics - there would be other School Refusers at the school. It seems that your schools (like mine was) are treating your case in isolation. Have you been able to send as much information to them as possible about SR? That entry from Wikipedia was really good. My son's school next year has 1,500 students and I have been told that there are already 4 SR specific students. I rang and talked to the Student Welfare Coordinator and she seemed to be very familiar with the situation. You don't seem to have a Student Welfare Coordinator in the UK? SOmeone who looks specifically after the students wellbeing?
Good luck to both of you - thinking of you and hope things start to improve especially regarding the school support.
Take care,
Linda