just found your website after reading about it in magazine earlier this week, i just wanted to say thankyou i now know that i am not the only parent going through this my daughter has been struggling with school for the past two years. i find all the school and teachers are worried about is how it looks on their records that a pupil is not attending school 100% . i know education is important but my daughters welfare is the most important to me they have tried to help but seem to want everything sorted straight away and dont seem to realise that you can go for quite a few days having no trouble getting them to school and then not being able to go lasting maybe a week, thet also dont realise that the child cant help it and they do not know how to explain their feelings about school, my daughter doesnt struggle at school she is still in the top groups even though she has missed quite a bit of school. i even have to send copies of letters from the hospital to prove she has had an appointment and i am not just keeping her off school. they keep telling her that i can get into trouble which doent help at all. anyway i am rambling now just needed to get a little bit of my chest. thankyou jennifer

Hi Jennifer, having recently found this forum myself,I can reassure you of the support you will definitely find here. Always know you are not alone and we are all only wanting what's best for our kids. Going by previous posts it is good to keep a diary/ journal to keep things clear in your head of any discussions/ meetings and I also found it beneficial to read through the previous posts for helpful advice. Take care . Lindy x

Welcome Jennifer - glad you found the forum. And probably time to throw in a big thank you again to Simon for setting this site up - I found it a life saver when I discovered it last year at a time when I felt I had no one to turn to.

I hope you find you can let off steam or ask advice or provide help from experience on here - we all seem to be going through the same and coming across the same barriers.

And I agree with Lindy- reading back through the posts on here is of great benefit as you may find that someone has already tried something you are thinking about or dealt with authorities etc.

How old is your daughter? Is she managing to get into school sometimes still or do you find it is getting harder?
My son is 12 and has been struggling with SR since he was 6. Some years are worse than others but like your daughter, despite incredible absences, he still manages to do ok. I sometimes wonder how he would go if he was there every day but most of us on this forum have concluded that our kids are actually highly intelligent but have this crippling anxiety that turns their life (and ours) upside down.
Is your daughter receiving any Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? Medication? Have you found anything that helped?
ALl the best and keep in touch -
Linda
PS you mention finding this site via a magazine. Was this an article on School Refusal? Curious to know how the site came to be mentioned.

Hi Jennifer. Well isn't it helpful when they threaten us with trouble oh just what we need !! Unfortunately schools look at the attendance results as that is what they are judged on - I once heard the term PA % apparently that is persistant absences and it needed to be kept to a max 6%. 6% is a large percentage of children in a school of 2,000 oh 120 in my reckoning, now you're not telling me that 119 were truants and only my son a SR !! i don't think so. even if only 10% of the PA figures are SR that 12 - and they say my son is the only one !! It's such a shame we are made to feel very intimidated - you need to be strong and believe me you will get stronger as time goes on. Keep notes and diaries on everything and just support your family. Have you been to your GP and been referred to CAMHS? Which magazine did you see the site mentioned ? and lastly where abouts geographically do you live ?

Take care and keep posting we will do all we can to help.

Sarah xx

thankyou for your replys i saw the website in a problem page of womans own i have taken my daughter to the doctors we also go to cahms tier 3 the only problem is she doent like or isnt able to explain what it is that bothers her, i have just put her to bed not very happy about school tomorrow as she hasnt been today because i take her to see a alternative theropist which is nearly about 3 hours away from where we live but he is good, i have tried hypnosis but that didnt work as she didnt like the feeling of someone getting into her head. i like in the buckinghamshire area
once again thanks its good to be able to talk to people that understand the problems and not thinking that if it was them they would make her go because they dont know that its not as easy as that

jennifer

Hi Jennifer,

It seems that SR kids can't explain what is wrong. My son in all these years has never been able to explain. So I just have to accept (and so does he) that this happens and now we have to deal with it and most importantly, recognise it (he has to). He often goes down the road of 'I am really sick this time' but it turns out he isn't- he just has the same old tummy pains etc. It's not easy, is it. Stay strong and let your daughter know that you understand that it is difficult for her and that she probably can't explain. The acceptance seems to have at least helped put me in a stronger place.
Hope you have success for school tomorrow but don't worry if you don't. There is always another day - small steps .
Take care,
Linda

yes my daughter has always got something wrong with her which is always worse than the last time . i try to stay strong and not get cross as i know that doesnt help but its not always easy as im sure you know .

thanks
jennifer

How old is your daughter, Jennifer? Did the SR come on before or after she went to high school? Were there signs along the way?

If she is at high school, cognitive behaviour can be of help. I think the older the child the better. My son was a bit young when we started this but I am still surprised that in fact some of it did sink in.

Sounds like you are a bit like me - your daughter goes sometimes but then for no apparent reason then can't go. Does she have a meltdown on those mornings? Does it happen after weekends, illness, holidays etc? My son was always worse at those times. He always made it back on the first day of each term as he knew it was just going to be so much worse re guilt if he didn't but then the second day would be a challenge...by the third or fourth day - he was struggling.
There is no pattern at the moment. He hardly went to school for the first two of our terms this year but last term....miraculously - he went nearly every day. This has given him a boost but he still mentions how worried he is about starting high school next year, so I kind of expect this to be an issue. The psychiatrist said that I should see this as at least another 10 years of working with him on this as the anxiety can be controlled (by him) and worked through but he needs to build up the strategies and experience to do so. She has said he needs to not avoid things but just make a judgement whether or not to encourage or whether or not to let that particular thing slide. She also said I need to put more control back to my son in terms of decision making. Point out that avoiding something is a problem (she was talking more about sports days/excursions/outside events at this stage) and ask him to work with you in regard to trying to join in but tell him it is ok if he just cannot manage it.

I don't know if this helps but I have found over the years my way of dealing with things has changed but I also have found that because this has gone on so long, others are taking notice and family and school have come to understand that it is not something I am doing wrong. Educating others seems to be all we can do and support our kids but as long as we can do that encouraging as well so that they start to feel they have control back in their lives.

Good luck for tomorrow - let us know how it goes. Don't stress if it doesn't happen - take a deep breath and go with the flow if you can. It is a rollercoaster ride which means there are up times but also many down times.
All the best,
Linda x
PS SOrry for writing so much! I get carried away some times as we are all on the same wavelength and that is hard to find outside of this forum!

hi linda
my daughter is nearly 13 sr started in primary school 2 years ago, she wasnt well before christmas then she started to change would not go out at all, panicked at the thought of going out in case she felt ill.my daughter sounds just like your son everything you say about him is just the same for my daughter. after holidays is the worst she got alot better over the summer holidays taking care of herself and caring how she looked she started the term quite well but that soon went down hill she has days again when she doesnt care what she looks like.we have seen a psychiatrist but j doent like talking about her problems so i sometimes see them by myself. i have a meeting with her and school on monday so i hope that will help. they need to understand that insted of pushing they need to take things slowly and when j feels in control she is much better. what area do you live. when js problems started she seemed to go backwards to younger child very clingy following me about all the time, at the moment she is always saying sorry about everything all the time, always wants to cuddle me and sit close by me she also hates going to bed and has trouble sleeping getting up and down with things wrong with her. also no matter how i talk she always thinks im annoyed with her
thanks for listening/reading
jennifer
have to go as j is outside the door wanting a hug.

Hi Jennifer,

Your daughter does sound like my son. He went through a stage of saying 'sorry' all the time and 'I love you' every five seconds. Much as one likes to hear those words, my heart would sink because I knew it meant that he was feeling he couldn't cope). He doesn't do much of that at the moment as he is going ok thankfully but last night we had a return of the frustration so I did get quite worried. He chucked a kind of wobbly when things didn't work that he was doing and he is not eating as well as he should and was quite teary. He just can't put how he feels into words. SR kids all seem to be the same on that one.

Unfortunately I'm not in the UK - I'm way down here in AUstralia!
WHen my son was seeing a psychologist I also sometimes ended up seeing her instead and that was ok as it got a lot of my chest. We found that psychologists who just talked or asked my son to talk - did not work. They needed practical strategies. We went to a psychiatrist as my doctor said that he really felt he needed medication and only psychiatrists of course can prescribe this. As it turned out she felt he didn't need medication yet - and we found her approach much more useful as she actually spent more time talking to myself and my ex (separate and together) about what we were going to do to help and ways in which we could work together rather than disagreeing over how to approach SR. My ex was more the 'you have to drag him' approach but after these sessions he came round to believing that didn't work.

She also decided that my son was not ready in himself to accept much Cognitive Behaviour Strategies but to be aware of them. My son liked her approach as she was very down to earth and had great sympathy for how he felt.

It's hard, isn' it! I do feel for you. But if it's anything like my son - you will have good patches and not so good patches. One thing I have noted is that my son does not get depressed when he is unable to go to school for a length of time like he used to about two years ago and I think it is my acceptance of where he is that has helped that and my approach in a morning perhaps as well. I always try to get him there and I have told him that that is what I will always do and he said he understands despite what he might say on those mornings he can't go and I'm the worst mother in the world! And trying to get my son to bed and then to sleep at night is a nightmare!

Let me know how things go. Has your daughter got friends or good friends at school? Does she ever want to see them after school hours or go to their homes? (My son refused to do this for nearly two years but has just started opening up again). We can't force the friendships either - so it's tough.
Take care,
Linda

Jennifer - just a quick one as need to get some work done, but my son was in year 7 - ill the week before Christmas and then refused after the holidays incase he was sick. Developed a sick phobia for which he now takes meds. Apologises all the time for everything !! He is now year 11 and has only attended senior school for a total of 12 months and will never go back. But do you know something i am so proud of him, he is a great kid and i wouldn't change him for the world. School ?? well if that's the worst problem he has in his life then he's done very well.

Keep smiling it will all work out in the end i promise.

Sarah xx

hi sarah, linda

its good to know that somebody understands what i am going through not just making the right noises but underneath thinking if that was my child id make them go to school, i can see it on their faces.if only they knew how hard it is. thanks again

jennifer

Hi Jennifer,

I think the best thing I heard was when the psychiatrist said that although facing one's fear is the best thing in the long term (ie going into school when possible) - you also have to take into account the effect getting your child to school has on the parent. Make sure you do something for yourself - have some positive time for yourself and so get some of your confidence and energy back. I found I was so drained after trying that I had no energy next day to try again etc. Counselling for yourself and even Cognitive Behaviour therapy for yourself can be very beneficial. I think it was Penny on here had CBT herself and found it very beneficial in helping her deal with the situation. We are under enormous strain.
Keep your chin up and let us know how things are going.
Lindax

hi linda

thanks yes it is very draining my first thought in the morning is how she going to be today i try to be really upbeat and positive. your right cbt can help but i just wish someone would teach the schools how to deal with sr children, if they were just plain naughty which their not they would get away with it. our school does have a special room that the sr children can go but they dont see this as a long term thing i think sr is a long term problem so allowances have to be made, like someone else on here said this is a illness and should be taken as such.
take care
jennifer