Hi, My son is 11 yrs old and is now a school refuser. We've had lots of problems over the last two years which started in his primary school, he became very aggressive, controlling of me and his little sister, had fights at schools etc. On one of many occasions the police were called, for his own safety,and he was put in restraints, i cant even begin to tell you how distressing i found the how thing let alone what C must have felt, it was horrendous! Things went from bad to worse, ending with a 5 day exclusion, at the end of the 5 days the school said they didnt think it appropriate for C to come in, it was dress up day and he'd been really looking forward to it. After that he refused to have anything to do them, and after 3 months we got a managed move to another school which was a great success. He built up the time in school and all was going well, then he left to start secondary school. the 1st day was ok, but he came out from school saying ' i'm dumb'. which he isn't, we reassured him but it started again, refusing to go in, crying in the car, geting cross and angry with me, and ultimately getting aggressive again. the school have been very good, C is statemented so that helps abit, but now we are going to having a TACT meeting to decide what to do next.
I feel so frustrated as he wont talk to us and tell us what is wrong, we've tried everything

Sorry for going on, could've written so much more

Hi Nicky - so sorry to hear your story. Is your son being bullied? very often children who are having a bad time can get aggresive - just a thought. Again another SR who couldn't make the transition from primary to senior school it's so common. Have you been to the GP and been referred to CAMHS ? Apologies but what is a TACT meeting ? If its a multi agency meeting i would advise you to get parent partnership involved to help you, you will find your local office on google. Again i can't emphasize this enough keep records and diaries of everything this will help should the situation continue. You will get through this we all will. You will get alot of support from us guys because we understand. Out of interest what geographical area are you ?

Stay strong

Sarah xx

Hi Nicky,

Sorry to hear how things are. I certainly understand how you feel.
It seems that transition to high school can really set things back or start things off. My son goes next year....I have that heavy feeling in my stomach just thinking about it.

What does Statemented mean?
Another parent posted on here just recently about the anger their son has (he has aspergers). I presume you don't know if there is bullying as your son is just not able to explain? If he was angry at school, it could be that something brought that on in the actual school environment and even if it is not still happening, certain situations might remind him of it and make it now a big anxiety issue.
Or he could be just like many other SR kids and have no specific reason for the anxiety. We all throw these questions around in our heads. SOmetimes just showing our kids that we are here for them and will understand as best we can helps them not feel so overwhelmed and alone. Your son sounds desperate to feel understood as he probably feels scared by his feelings. My son has said his anger has taken him by surprise and he felt he couldn't stop it. The mental health experts all tell me the anger is a result of frustration at the anxiety and often feeling misunderstood and not in control.

If you can be referred to CAMHS it seems despite the wait, they can often be helpful. If not - if you can afford some private help to get onto this straight away then Cognitive Behaviour therapy might really help the anger and the anxiety. My son has seen a psychologist for CBT and then a Psychiatrist as we thought he needed medication. She doesn't believe he does yet and felt he was still able to work on pushing through the anxiety barriers himself but with a unified support from both parents (we are divorced so this meant working with her together). Seems to be helping but then again it is almost like a chemical kicks in sometimes and at other times is absent. You know the feeling.

Sarah probably has the most advice at the moment as she has been down this path in the UK (I am in Australia). Have a read through past posts as sometimes they help with suggestions and specific information.
Take care - stay strong and keep posting - this forum was a life saver for me.
Linda

Hi Sarah andLinda,
TACT is the team around the child, this came about from filling in a caf form and all the revelant agencies are involved, we already have been refered to CAMHS but because C wont talk to any professionals its hard for them to do a lot. C has a statement of education, which provides him with the maximum support he can receive in school, if we could get him there!!
As far as we can ascertain he isnt being bullied, but he has very very low self esteem. one of his things is that he cant do the school work cos he dumb, which he isnt.
This morning woke him up to get ready for school and he's now refusing to get out of bed, he's in a rut, says he just wants to be with me, that is until school has finished and he goes off out to play with his friends.its causing problems with his dad and myself, as he has no respect for me, only listens to his dad, think he finally realises that that cant go on and c needs to be able to follow some of the ground rules that are set for him, not that he has masses, cos he does generally come home when we say. We do keep a fairly tight control on his comings and goings, he's not just left to his own devices and we always have him in at a decent time in the evening, even in the summer he was in by 8oclock.
some parents are understanding some just think that we are letting him get away with not going to school, they dont see the anxiety and stress that he goes thru just going into the school grounds, im scared for his future, he's a good boy but desperately needs help.
We are just biding time waiting for the meeting, hoping that someone can come up with something to help him!
Thankyou for your replies, its nice to know we are not alone, we are in the Kent area
nicky xx

Nicky

Aggression is part of the anxiety people just react in different ways. With regards to CAMHS many children refuse at the start, they have to realise themselves that they need help, it could take a while. I have gone to many CAMHS meetings alone and to be honest often found it more beneficial as i didn't have to be careful what i said infront of my son - it also shows that as parents we are trying !! We have always found the CAF meetings good and also parent partnership attended and helped us all the way.

Keep your chun up it WILL get better.

Sarah xx

Hi Nicky,

Sarah is right - meeting with CAHMS without your son is still very valuable. My son refused to meet with anyone at the school when they organised a meeting but I found that I was able to explain in much more detail without him there and that made them more understanding.

And yes - your son does have to recognise what is going on is anxiety and there is no magical wand that will take it away. My son thought this for some time and when he did see a psychologist initially he saw no point in it and did not take anything on board or really tell the person much at all. It is only more recently that he has said he knows he needs some help. So keep encouraging your son to acknowledge that this is anxiety and its ok - but he is going to need some help to find some strategies to cope when it hits.
It sounds like he doesn't have problems with the social side? I was told at one point my son was trying too hard to fit in with his 'friends'. Now my son seems to be going to school 'because' of his friends. So it is a fine balance.

Not doing the school work was something my son got into the habit of and I believe it was a kind of perfectionism in him. He didn't want to start it incase it wasn't all right and he didn't want to finish it - so that he was covered again just in case it wasn't all right. This hasn't come from any expectation on my part it jsut seems to be something he has built up. As a result I often hear 'I'm dumb' when in fact he is very bright. Then we got a tutor and he chucked a fit about how he thought 'we' thought he wad dumb and he wasn't. SO the tables turned a bit there and that seemed to motivate him to complete more work when he was at school.

It is a tough road and one thing you do need to find is a common support between you and your husband. I met with my ex husband with the psychiatrist and she was very firm about that. She said that he had to see that we were both working for him on the same side. Before that - like you - my son was perhaps a bit afraid of his dad underneath and so would go to school if he turned up and demanded he go. But...I would cop the fallout afterschool and he was just so upset and angry. The psychiatrist said that this was undermining my authority and it was me who had to get him there (in your case - both of you) so one parent can't act as the black knight who turns up and gets results and the other be ignored. So basically the black knight has to involve you in the discussion of getting your son there and convincing your son that you are also the one he has to listen to about the anxiety. Tricky hey! Not sure if you can find anything in that which can help you! But it has helped us.
If it was me...I'd talk to your son about the freedom he seems to have hanging out with his friends and not necessarily do a deal but explain to him that if he has the courage to do that then he needs to work with you and his dad in order to get to school to hang out with his friends. Talk to the teachers though - it might be that he isn't sitting with friends? Or is he not in the same class?
Something might not be working at the school level in that respect.
If it were me, I'd be a wee bit cautious about too much freedom re going out with friends at his age when school refusal is happening because he might see it as a flexibility that he can push at the school end as well? My son has trouble with rules and yet - it is the routine and rules that help get him to school. Again - not an easy thing to know what to do.

Good luck and as Sarah says - keep your chin up - things chop and change in this rocky road - so a positive might just be around the corner.
All the best,
Linda