My Daughter Zoe has been a school refuser since the end of year 8 when we took her out of her old school as they had such an unsympathetic attitude. She saw a therapist aroudn the same time from the Primary Mental Health Care Team who asked her a few questions and discharged her because she said she would go to the new school. She did go, for a little while, but all her problems resurfaced and we had to get her referred again. Unfortunately, with the best will in the world, this did not appear to work and after many false starts at getting her some therapy she is now seeing a psychologist with CAMHS. Trouble is, Zoe doesn't appear to want to make any improvement. Getting her out of bed and out of the house can be a major operation some days. She has isolated herself to the extent that her world appears to be her room and a lot of the time she spends all day in bed and doesn't sleep at night. She sometimes neglects herself and won't change her clothing.
It breaks my heart to see her like this as she sometimes talks about feeling worthless. Tonight I brought her home a poster magazine from a major supermarket, and she went off at me as it did not have the stickers in it that it was supposed to have. Her Dad and I had to stop her from banging her head on the wall. I have been told that her anxieties are not enough to get her referred to a local live in therapy unit. Makes me wonder how bad she has to be before she can get in there.
All I want is for Zoe to have a normal life. She keeps telling me that she wants this too, but I look at her sometimes and I feel as though she is trying to shrink away from the world. At present I don't feel the talking therapy she is getting is working. She has been referred for art therapy but this has a waiting list. (Although I do feel she may get something out of this as she loves to create her own animation to upload on YouTube). At the moment everything is so bleak. Both her Dad and I work full time as we need the money. I feel at my wit's end and that nobody wants to give us any practical help at all.

hi Tracey

So sorry to hear how hard things are for you and your daughter at the moment. This must be so stressful for you when you feel she has not motivation. How old is your daughter now?

If you read some of the older posts on this forum you might find some things that can help in terms of any next steps to try and take. This includes getting tutoring and parent support groups.

Can you ask the school to find someone who does Cognitive Behaviour therapy? This is very good for anxiety and depression. This is much more useful than' talking' when they have no idea what is causing their anxiety.

Does she still have any friends from the old school? Are you still able to get her to socialise with family? My son does go through stages of not wanting to leave the house and refusing to get dressed. Whilst he has not seen the point of much CBT - he is aware of it and so when I talk to him about this all being part of his anxiety and that there is no magic cure but he can learn to cope by working 'with' me - he does seem to stop shutting me out or getting angry over little things like your daughter does.

I found it really helpful to get counselling myself (you and your husband might find this helps you both come up with a strategy). This was from a psychiatrist as our doctor said that my son needed medication. He doesn't at the moment - but the work she did with my ex and I was very valuable. She also worked with all three of us together. This might be something you can try and ask from the psychologist? I think my son felt more supported when he realised we were both learning how to help him and so he was not on his own.


Sorry I have written so much - I hope some of my words help in some way. Let us know how you go - all of us on here understand exactly what you are going through.
Take care,
Linda

Hi Tracey. You know i still have the dents in my fireplace where my son used to bang his head ! I am so sorry about your situation but don't lose heart. Your daughter needs to realise that she needs help before she will accept any, but she will you need to give her time. My son never went out of the house at all for months before he had CBT ( thanks again Linda for suggesting it ) and he never washed very often and slept in the same clothes. After his CBT he is a totally different child and would love every single one of you to see the nurse who did it - he is a star. Your daughter needs to feel safe and at home is where that is. Just keep supporting her i know how hard that can be but it will get better i promise.

Stay in touch.

Sarah xx

Sorry this is a late update. Still having problems with Zoe not going to school. Things did appear to be getting better initially from January as the Attendance Officer from the school started to take her in for certain lessons several times a week. At first she appeared to take this on board and her confidence improved. Then when the start of the 2nd half term came she had lost all of the momentum and started to refuse to go again.
Now at the start of term after Easter I have had to go and visit the school and I have been told that I will be prosecuted if we can't do anything about Zoe's attendence. They have given me details of home tutoring, but this is likely to be not practical as both myself and my husband work full time. The School Attendance Officer brought me home from the meeting and had a word with Zoe and has told her she needs to get to the school for 2 sessions every morning for the next 2 weeks and then try to build up from there. Zoe got quite upset when she was told of the consequences of her not going, but I can't help but think that she still won't go despite saying she will due to her track record. I have spoken to one of her therapists who has said they can get her referred for home tuition under mental health grounds, but that this would be only for a fixed period of time. I am really at the end of my tether now. Nothing appears to work with her and if I end up in prison it will lead to me losing my job as I work for the Local Authority as well. My mental health is suffering as well. I don't know what to do about it.

hi Tracey can you tell us how old your daughter is and where in the country you are? we have been through over 4 years of 'Refusal' and know what you are going through. it is the most upsetting thing that no one either understands, wants to, can or will help with.

Tracey - I can't believe that these professionals think that if they threaten you then your daughter will go to school , they really don't get it do they !!!!! We have all been through the threat so we know where you are, it is very frightening but i wouldn't worry too much about it. If you can show that you are doing everything that you can and are co-operating then you can form a defence. It was suggested to me so many times about home schooling but i never deregisterd my son so school had the resposibility of educating my son, we have a home tutor paid for by school. I am very fortunate that our school now, but not in the begining are supportive but i have had to battle on for years.

If the home schooling short term helps then it may be worth trying it, especially if the tutor also assists with reintegrating her back to school.

Please contact parent partnership who in our case were fantastic you will find their number on the net for your local office. Keep your diary up to date and keep co-operating with the school and any authorities involved.

Hope this helps, stay in touch

Sarah xx

My daughter Zoe is nearly 15 years old and we live in Great Britain. (Kingston Upon Hull to be exact).
I think the trouble with the schools and the LEAs is that they have no idea how to deal with this. I'm not sure that the local CAMHS knows what it's doing either. When I spoke to the art therapist she confirmed that we could get her referred for home tuition due to her mental state. Also that she could be given some medication to take to see if this could help. Neither of these routes have been discussed with me before. They hadn't even discussed CBT with me. And as for contact between CAMHS and the school this has been minimal. The Attendance Officer only took the telephone number on Thursday when I went to the school. Why does it take up to this point before they start talking to each other? CAMHS is partly funded through the LEA for heavens sakes!
I have seen my GP today for some anti depressants for myself as this is getting me down. I feel totally hopeless and I wish it wasn't happening. I also wish that Zoe could understand that if she doesn't do anything about this, she may have a very difficult life dealing with her anxieties.

NO!! Tracey, you are not totally useless!

And I am sure your daughter does understand that she needs to do something. I am sure she wants to do something. But because she does not understand what is happening to her, she is unable to take those steps.

And of course because the organisations that are supposed to be helping you both are not, then she feels helpless. But it does seem that things are starting to move new, so keep the pressure on them to deliver.

And look after yourself. Keeping the pressure on others whilst trying to relax yourself may seem like contradictory advice, but it is the way to survive.
And come here to let off steam!

Simon

I think there is a case where a local authority have had to apologise to a child (+ family presumably) for going down the prosecution route when he had a school phobia. Not got the details to hand but I think it was Suffolk and reported in the Guardian so should be traceable.

I have a son with a medical condition but the anxiety of trying to get back into school has now taken over. CAHMS have repeatedly told us he's "not ready" for CBT so won't do this with him. Just been discharged from CAMHS as they say they can't help. Last advice was that if the problem was "anxiety based" rather than "medically based" we could ask the school to go down the prosecution route so that our son might force himself into school to prevent his parents being fined or jailed. Fail to see how that will help resolve his anxiety problem.

Hang on in there. I think your case is very defendable if prosecution is attempted but you'll need help if things go that far.

Tracey, you are far from useless you are a pareny doing your best. I strongly suggest that you contact parent partnership who will support you, and ask for a CAF meeting - common assessment framework where all the professionals involved meet and discuss ways forward, and what help is available and what each person can do to help - it is then minuted and a follow up meeting will be held to discus progress or other alternatives. CAMHS - can't help ?? well what are they there for then ? As you know we had CBT privately and the nurse who conducted it would be more than happy to speak with any family suffering, apparently cbt can be done via skype or phone !!

Stay strong - oh i know it is easier said than done, as i am too potentially going through it again, i just have to remember to practice what i preech and try and sort this out before it takes hold of my second son.

Linda - i am taking the survival route this evening - i don't want to think about tomorrow morning and he is still on his x box playing on line with his friends. Yes i know at almost 13 he should be getting ready for bed but trying to keep him happy i hope will assist with him going to school tomorrow, i don't want any upset tonight !!


Love to everyone Sarah xxxx