Hi, my son is 14 and has been struggling to attend school for over a year now. Last year he had lots of odd days off with minor illnesses. Since starting Year 10 in September things have really come to a head and his attendance is around 50% according to the school. I have taken him to the GP and also arranged counselling for him. The school however have not been very supportive! Last week following a letter from the doctor and a meeting with the head he was allowed to stay at home and was given some work to do, but on the proviso that he pulls himself together and attends on Monday morning! I am already dreading tonight and tomorrow morning - the temper tantrums, aggression and threats to self harm if I try to make him go. Could anyone advise me on next steps I could take, and also when the point of fines and prosecution comes around?! I feel I really need to know where I stand before I speak to the school again.
Sorry to go on! Thank you!

Dani, Welcome to the Forum.

It sounds like you are having a rough time with your son's behaviour. But this is something many of us on the site have experienced at one level or another. I am no expert - just a parent who has gone through school refusal - but feel that this arises because our children do not understand what is happening to them, and feel under pressure to conform, but, at the same time, are unable to do so.

Others may disagree, but if you can take him in to school after the morning rush he may feel it easier to go in, maybe in time for the second class. If you can arrange for someone to meet him, that might help. I was catching up with a backlog of emails last night, and this suggestion came from one of those messages, where it seemed to work for another family.

No point in building the pressure too soon - try to keep things low key today. Your son already knows what is expected of him. He needs to know that you are on his side.

As to fines and prosecution, this seems to vary around the country. Our school did its best to keep us out of the social services legal system, but on reflection, I am not sure that was the right route. We missed out on support that we badly needed.

However, if you are concerned that this might be around the corner, it is time for you to assemble all the records that there might be on your son - notes home, meetings, health centre visits, actions promised; the whole caboodle. Get a copy of his attendance record and check for accuracy; get minutes of meetings.

Hope this helps,
Simon

Hi Dani - oh i know those feelings too well. I used to egt up at about 6 ish and used to dread having to try and get my son up, and yes Sunday evenings were not pleasant. As Simon says keep records of everything. There doesn't seem to be a structure with regards to fines etc different LEA's act differently. I am sure that the fact you are seeking help will go in your favour, and Simon had the excellent idea of trying to get him to go into school that bit later. When we managed to finally get my son to go back it was a very slow process, starting with lunch then adding registration then lessons came by one at a time and after 6 weeks we had a very happy child attending every day. Unfortuantley this didn't last but he managed it for 6 months with out any problems. You can only do your best and your son must know you support him. Was there a trigger that started the SR ? Stay strong.

Love Sar x

Hi Dani,

I know just how you feel. That awful dread in the stomach of how the morning will turn out.
Sorry to hear the school is not supportive. As if he can pull himself together! If you can provide them with as much information about School Refusal as you can they might start to understand that it is an anxiety disorder. The Wikipedia entry is also worth printing out and showing them. Never assume they have read anything.

Simon has some very good advice and so does Sarah. When my son has had meltdowns in the morning we have been able to slowly get back on track by going in after the start time. This was partly because he didn't want all the kids to say 'where have you been?' which evidently tends to happen more as they wait to go into school rather than in the classroom. He also found going straight into the class activity easier. On other occasions, however, he said there was no way he could go in late as everyone would look at him. So fine line and different things work for different kids and at different times.

But show your son you are on his side and you will work 'with' him to help him gain the confidence in himself back. I always promote Cognitive Behaviour Therapy as I think it has the best results for anxiety and can really help SR kids. If you can find someone good who does this it might be the start of moving forward. The kids can't keep talking to a counsellor as they don't know what they are afraid of - so it becomes really tedius.

Not sure if any of this helps. Read through some of the older posts if you can and see if anyone else's story is also of help. You are not alone and you are doing the best for your son.
Take care,
Linda

hi
my daughter was and still is like your son, she found it hard to walk through the school gates so i used to take her in at 9 oclock through a different entrance once school had started, even now we make sure we dont get there until they are just about to lock the gates so that everyone is in and there are no crowds of kids. we also found it helpful to just go in for 2 lessons for a couple of weeks and then add a lesson a week after that, j was able to do alot of her lessons in a student support room once she felt happy enough she would go to a couple of lessons a day. the school must understand to take things slowly and one step at a time. as the others said make sure you take to school any appointments you have had and let them know everything you are doing.
i have a meeting with the school tomorrow even though j is doing quite well at the moment she still has bad days i know what you mean i dred waking up in the morning the first thing i think is hows it going to be today. you need to be quite firm , them telling him to pull himself together doent help i know my daughter says that when they say your mum will get in trouble is only makes things worse for her. j has just said she has a bad stomach which is something that happens every night when its time for bed. oh well only one week to go and then the pressures of for a week.good luck for tommorrow my thoughts are with you try and stay calm. i think the school likes to scare you with talk of fines and prosacution but i think you are a way off that yet.
good luck
jennifer

Hi again,

I know I mentioned, in government schools (and in Private education as well) we have a 'Student Welfare Coordinator' at secondary schools in Australia. Are you all saying that there is no one at all at secondary schools in the UK who oversee the welfare of students? Or does it vary?
This is where something has to change, doesn't it? What about kids with physical disabilities or autism in the school - or kids with trouble at home - does someone oversee them or just the head and individual teachers? You really need someone who spends their time learning up about all the disabilities, both physical and mental and ensuring all these kids have access to the same education as other kids and that they are the first point of call for parents.
It seems that in the UK you are referred by the school to CAMHS but as that is not directly the school itself and as there can be a delay - then it just isn't good enough is it? (and hoping despite the system here that I don't hit any brick walls next year!). Sarah....can your MP start lobbying for even more change!!??
Take care everyone,
Linda