boy do i know its school tomorrow, angry, upset shouting not wanting to go to bed ,bad stomach.
says she is scared about school but when i ask her why she just doesnt know .
shes crying anything i say or do doesnt make any difference. if only school could see her now.
anyway i suppose i'll go to bed and hope she doesnt get up to many times tonight and hope things are better in the morning.
sorry to go on but its good just to write things down.
jennifer

I wonder how many of us are having similar problems?

Some in Scotland are just coming to an end of half term (variously called October Week, or end of Autumn term, start of Winter term these days).

Hi Jennifer,

It's tough, isn't it. I wonder at this stage whether your daughter just needs a few positive days away from school so that you and her can work together again and maybe she can think about that fact that she does need help? I can't recall if you work full time?

I know I used to fear this kind of thing as I felt it would set a pattern. But the fact was - there was no pattern re going to school anyway - and considering the state they get themselves in - they just won't get to school and their self esteem will plummet. Rather than let her get depressed and find it harder to motivate herself - it sounds like she needs to feel you and her can be ok together without the mention of school?

I have been through exactly what you describe and I shed many tears. I know how emotionally and physically drained you must be feeling.
I have no easy answers I can only share what steps we have seemed to have taken that have eased the meltdowns the night before and the morning and hope they help. My son has said to me that sometimes he felt he was afraid of a meltdown in the morning. So it is a vicious circle. The fear of fear itself can make it very difficult.

At one point my son became very depressed because it was meltdowns every morning and me totally stressed out. I then stepped back. I can't quite pinpoint how this happened or what changed that also helped him feel more in control but it was possibly the Cognitive Behaviour therapy that got him thinking that he did control his thoughts. I therefore had little say about his anxiety except 'remember - this is your negative thoughts speaking.' I also gave lots of 'It's so hard for you, isn't it' type sympathy. They cannot pinpoint anything that causes this but might throw around a few things at the time if we ask. I found it best not to ask - just accept that they felt this way and that you understood.

In a morning I would be firm - matter of fact - . And if that didn't work I would just let that day go. Their stress levels (and ours) was not worth any more pushing at that point. This seemed to result in a lot of days off but also many days attending. I will admit that sometimes on those days my frustration levels were at their peak! But slowly I learnt to let go and not worry about what others or the school were saying and I became less frustrated. Unfortunately he refused basically to do any work on those days and despite being told to make the days as boring as possible - I found I couldn't. I don't think anyone who suggests that has ever been in a room all day with a very emotional and frustrated child/teenager! I think they do need that time to recharge their batteries. THreatening to take away things from them also does not work. I also found any star/reward system did not work.

You might like to also read older posts on here about alternative ways of educating- via tutors - or on-line? It might be that your daughter cannot get back into the schools system.
Feel free to rant and rave on here - this forum was my saviour as well. Without it I felt so alone (our Primary schools here just do not have the support in place).
Take care,
Linda
PS sorry again everyone for writing so much!!!

Jennifer - how i used to dread Sunday nights, it always started and by the time Monday morning came round i was a physical wreck. It's the pattern im afraid and I agree with Linda that i think a few days away may do her good but unfortunatley not sure how school would feel. Our GP said that M needed totally desensitizing from school in order to rebuild, which did work for a while. Feel free to rant anytime because it's nice to correspond with people who understand.

Sarah xx

How did you go today, Jennifer?
Linda

hi everyone
things were not good today as soon as i woke j up i could tell it was going to be a struggle managed to get her into school but got lots of text asking and begging to be taken home. i had a meeting at school with camhs presant im afraid i lost my temper and told them if they wanted i would pull j out of school but i would make sure everyone knew about it and i would make a fuss. this i think made a difference as they are now talking of more help getting her assessed and bringing in a counciler to talk to her not sure she will be up for that but anything is worth a try. not sure about keeping her at home as sometimes this makes her worse i work from home so its not a problem for me but i know thats what she would like to do all the time but i dont know if that would do her any good. put her to bed a while ago but she has been up several times again crying and saying she is scared about going tommorrow so i know the morning is not going to be good but i suppose i will deal with it again roll on the end of the week. i also made it clear that js welbeing and health were much more important to me than any school targets that had to be met. anyway hope you are all doing ok and your children are coping and you are not going to mad i know i feel like am alot of the time no wonder i have so many grey hairs as i keep being told by my older children.my moan over for tonight bed i think tommorrow is another day.
thanks
jennifer

Hi Jennifer,

Sounds like a tough day for you and your daughter. But she did get there - which is a huge step for her.
I know what you mean about staying home not necessarily being ok -it can make some worse.
SOrry to hear how the meeting went but sometimes it takes loosing one's cool to get people to notice! I do hope they start to listen to you and really take the whole thing from your perspective and stop trying to get your daughter to fit into the rules all the time.
Let us know how tomorrow goes. Let your daughter know you are on her side.
Linda

hi linda
im afraid this morning was worse than yesterday, i did get her into school but she hasnt done any lessons today. she seems a little happier this evening so im hoping tommorrow will be better. thank you for asking i hope everything is going well for you
best wishes
jennifer

Hi Jennifer,

When you say she hasn't done any lessons - does she go to a separate room or how do they support her at the school?
I do hope you get more support and/or things start to improve but getting her to school is actually a big step for her.
Things are going well with my son at the moment. He had yesterday off and my heart sank but he went off ok today.
Take care,
Linda

Jennifer. I think the worst thing for a parent is not knowing what to do for the best, but my hat off to you, you are actually getting her into school and that in itself is a major achievement. I remember the mornings when it took me up to 2 hours to get my son out of the car in the school carpark, and that was the days i managed it. We literally live 2 minutes away from school but i used to take him because there was no chance of him going on his own. One morning he actually tried to throw himself out of the car, and at school we were both in tears every morning. School actually wrote to me and asked me not to enter the school grounds as it was causing too much upset for everyone !! Catch 22 !!

Hope today is better for you. Take care.

Sarah xx

hi linda

they have a special room studant support as such where they can go they can also do their work there. support does seem to be getting a bit better, im still not sure they fully understand.
anyway she managed school today even though she was late but oh well shes there what more can i ask.
best wishes jennifer

Well done to your daughter. And you!

Going in late puts her in some sort of control of her own situation, and it is easier avoiding the crowds.

One more step forward...

hi sarah
there have been times that i have more or less had to dress my daughter to get her to school. i have to drive her to school as it is about 5 miles away and i want to make sure she is there and safe.
if it is quite a good day i try to get there just as the gates are closing so that she doesnt have to push trough the crowds of kids waiting, some days she cannot face going through the main gates so we wait and then she goes in a different entrance. i feel for you what are you supposed to do when your child trys to throw himself out of the car and the teachers say we have to try tough love i think we do that everytime we try to get them to school i wonder if it was their child they would think the same.
sorry im going on and also sorry if i repeat myself.
hope your son is managing at the moment.
j managed to go to school ok today (we were late but oh well)
jennifer

Jennifer - oh how many times have i heard the quote "tough love" it so annoys me. It shows that your daughter is trying so hard, even if she is late so - she has got there and although it is difficult for you you should be so proud. We live literally round the corner but i still used to take my son (or try) for my own piece of mind. Why oh why is there no help for SR out there !! I get more frustrated by the day but not sure what else to do to help but be here and listen and offer what advise i can. There have been more new members on here recently than for a long time so this problem is not going away, because there is no help.

Do the professionals think we get some sort of kick out of all this ? do they think we just sit there and don't care ?

Oh now i am ranting - getting cross and frustrated - all we want is help understanding and happy and secure children !!!!!

Love to all

Sarah xx

Exactly my feelings and frustration also, Sarah! I can't comprehend how so many so called professionals have this image of us as parents as just somehow being too soft hearted. If only we could show them what we go through!
Linda
PS And sorry - yes JEnnifer - small steps are always good steps even if it is not the full step we might all want.