Not feeling at all positive today.

My daughter got herself onto the train yesterday, but came off again and then home.

Lunchtime today and she is still in bed. Couldn't get her to the doctor, who is trying to get her an appointment with a psychologist (8 - 12 month waiting list), so went myself!

Arrgh!

Hi Simon,

I'm so sorry to hear this. Wll it ever get better is something I ask myself all the time. As you know, my son has been school refusing on and off since he started secondary school 2 years ago and we made the decision to start at a new school in september. He has attended one full day only!! All I can say is what our wonderful therapist says to me. Our children will get better but when they are ready. She sees many SR children of all ages and who refuse for all sorts of reasons. She told me last week when I was feeling particularly awful as my son hadn't mangaged one of his targets about an 18 yr girl who she has been seeing for a few years now. She hasn't been at school really for the last 5 years and refused to go to college last year and after doing nothing for the last year, she has just suddenly decided she wants to go to college and is sorting it all out ON HER OWN! They say it takes one month of doing nothing for every year that they have struggled at school to begin to get over the trauma of SR and get better. I think with this girl, after a few months at home with no pressure to do anything, she started engaging in CBT. As my son is only 13, he is not able to use any of the CBT he has learnt as I dont think he really gets it yet but maybe your daughter is now old enough to benefit from it? You have probably already tried it but maybe have another go at it when she is feeling a little more positive. She will get there in the end but maybe she just isn't ready yet? It is such a roller coaster ride isn't it? and each time there is a blip, its just so difficult. You would think we would get used to it!


Sophy

Hi Simon,

Sorry to hear this. It is just so heartbreaking, isn't it. I agree with what Sophy has said. And the CBT is something I always promote as it does seem to be something that older kids and adults can really work with. My son, now only 12, just couldn't see the point but he did take on some of the things in his own time. But I am certainly willing to start CBT again with him at any time when he is a bit older.

Did the psychologist have any suggestions for you in how to move forward? We have probably all been to the psychologists on our own when our kids refuse but you just how they grow out of this - so I know your frustration must be so high.
Let us know how you go. This time is your daughter able to say what she finds difficult at college? She loves her art, doesn't she - and presumably is doing what she wants at college in this area? Even though it is College, doesn't mean there aren't those pressures that were there at school. SR kids seem to have such low self esteem - they are sensitive to everything and somehow those negative thoughts can change but it does take time. My son's psychiatrist told me that the journey ahead with anxiety would be possibly 10 more years and beyond. She said that some recover and others need to find support on and off in their lives. Sounded a gloomy prediction. She said I therefore had to find things that made me able to cope and remain a support in the long term. Easier said than done hey! I know you have been there for your daughter through all these years and you must be so tired. My heart goes out to you and I hope that your daughter is able to find her strength soon.
Take care,
Linda

Hi again Simon,

Just wondering if any of the teachers at the college would be able to help you and your daughter? Understandably she might not want them to know- but it might be that one of them she feels more able to tell or let you tell? And then see if they can be a point of call for her when she is there? I am not sure how your colleges work but I would imagine they could feel a bit isolating at times as college teachers are not like high school teachers in terms of getting close to their students (well not here anyway). But some of them are more interested in the welfare of the students so might be able to help.

Another thought - is there any work experience in the artworld that your daughter might be able to tap into - even voluntarily - to gain some confidence? I presume you don't have 'work experience' programs in the UK? Here in Year 10 the students do two weeks out in the workforce - a place of their choice in agreement with the school. So they can choose a graphic design studio - an art gallery and so forth. These seems to really boost some kids confidence. If you don't have anything like that - it might be something the college could talk about with you if your daughter was interested. I am sure some art companies, galleries et would be happy to help out if they could. This would be a short term solution - before trying the college again? Sorry I might be way of the mark here as I have no idea how things work in your part of the world but it has got me thinking as I have had to think along these terms with my son just in case secondary school is the same as his previous 6 years.

Good luck - there is always another day - and another one :-)
Linda

Thanks, everyone, for your encouraging messages. It really helps.

As far as I can tell, the college is being supportive, but for how long, I don't know.

We live in a village, so there is no relevant work experience locally, but I am not sure she has the confidence to do that anyway. We are trying to encourage her to get a part time job, but that still seems a step too far for her.

We just have to keep trying.

Hi Simon,

Being in a village does make it hard - for her to reach college and as you say - having no work experience nearby. Is she able to express how she felt when she initially managed to go to college and now? Has something changed or is it just that it has been hard all along and now she just feels she can't do it anymore?

It is so hard to work on their self confidence.
It reminds me of something my son said the other day which made me very sad. He said that nothing I said ever helped and that he had no more hope that he would get better as 'hope' was made up and not real. And this is after my son has been going fairly well - just a few hiccups lately. They can't seem to see the steps they do take as when they get a set back they just see complete negatives. On another day - my son will listen to me and take on board things I say. It is very hard for us to observe, isn't it. Take care and let us know how she goes.
Linda

Simon

I sympathize with you, we are having the same problem, college changed my son's course to part time, he can do most of work at home but has to o in to sit assessments, but so far has been unable to attend, he made an appointment to volunteer again with riding for the disable, but was unable to go, he has applied for a part time job and is waiting to see if he gets an interview, but would he be able to attend that .................

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Dorothy and Simon,

Reading your stories I must admit I don't hold out much optimism for my son.
The only person on here who seems to be going ok is Sue's daughter. I wonder what made things different or perhaps she is just different.

I really wish there was more research into why our kids are suffering and what specific help might work from the start. I really hope that in the future they come up with more answers to help children from when they are young.
I am so sorry to hear that you are both going through stressful times again as your poor kids just can't face the things life puts before them.

However - now trying to sound positive for you both. Your kids have made huge steps forward to reach college. College is in a way similar to school and having to do things when college is still in the way (ie. work experience, jobs etc) might just be that more difficult. As I mentioned - my son's psychiatrist said that I was in it for the long haul but that as my son gained more and more 'life skills' he would find he could stand on his own two feet - but she was hinting that he might be a young man by then. Your kids might still be having set backs but from our perspective still struggling with the school situation - we can see that in fact your children must have pushed themselves just that bit each time to get where they are and a setback is probably normal. But there will be more steps forward. Good luck - stay strong and let us know how you go.
Linda xx

Linda, There was a time when I posted messages about good days - because there were so few of them! Now, there are many more good days than bad ones, so we have come a long way.
It must be depressing for my daughter knowing that no one seems in any hurry to help her, and we still get frustrated when she disappears under her duvet.
Anyway, the weekend is here and she is off shopping with her cousin. retail therapy always helps1

Simon

Hi Simon,
would just like to thank you for all your support in setting up this forum. You have given us the strength and lots of advice on how to help our kids through this long journey. I hope your daughter has a good shopping day with her cousin and always know that we are here for you.
Take care, Lindy x

Hi Everyone!

I only visit the site occasionally nowadays, not because I dont care, but because it upsets me so and I get that awful 'dark' feeling we all get when our children are suffering.

Simon, I'm so sorry to hear your daughter has been finding things difficult. My daughter has her moments but they are not as bad as they used to be. Ive just said to her that it is her life/future and she must do as she feels. We both accept she cannot go into college some days and I think this acceptance has given her a greater freedom than she has felt before. She feels more in control, after all its her decision to attend, not mine anymore. I think finding out that her two freinds at collge have both had counselling and so she doesnt feel 'different' anymore.

When she went back this September for the 2nd year, she had been put in a different class to her two friends and I saw that 'fear' in her eyes again and she didnt attend for a few days. I began to think she wouldnt return but I emailed her tutor (he was aware of her SR) and asked if she could be changed back to her friends class. He kindly changed her and we havent looked back. Its the security they need isnt it? Change is not a good thing for SR's.

M. Has managed to get a part time job in a shop at weekends but it had to be a shop she felt comfortable in. It took her ages to decide which job to try for. She passed over lots because they were too big etc. She has a great love of music and gigs and the shops sells band merchandise and t-shirts. She feels comfortable and seems happy. Ive told he that if she wants to continue there full time and not go to uni, its fine by me. Many of my friends want their youngsters to go to uni but I just want my daughter to be happy and feel secure.

Good luck to you all, take the pressure off and they will find their own way through.

Simon, Im sure your daughter will be ok, look how far she's come!

Take care all.

Sue and M xx

Simon, I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well for your daughter at the moment. She has done so well and come so far. This may just be a blip that she will come through in her own time. It does seem that kids who have experienced SR have to deal with things in their own way, in their own time. its the only way they can cope with all the anxiety and uncertainty.
My daughter is so far coping well with college but cannot face getting a part time job. She, like sue's daughter has passed up a few opportunities because its 'the wrong place or too big a store or too many people she knows might go in there etc etc. She also very rarely goes out apart from college and I find it so difficult to 'just let her be' but I must, as we all must, just let them be who they are. I am still convinced that they will all be ok in the end its just going to be at a slower pace than we would like.

I really hope she enjoyed her shopping trip with her cousin. Isnt it great when they go out and have a lovely time and can forget their anxieties for a while.

Just keep remembering how far you have both come. x

Simon - just think you are having more good days than bad now and as all your friends here have said you have all come a long way and done so well. The fact that she actually got on the train is in itself a huge achievement so well done to her. I am sure that all our children will get over their problems at some time but it's the waiting and not knowing that is the hardest thing. Yesterday M's friend was round at our house talking about the collage course he wants to go on next year when he finishes year 11 and he asked M if he was going to take a course there, but there was a big fat NO !! I suppose in a way that i am lucky as my son can come and work for me on an apprentership but really it won't do him any good ling term as he will always be tied to my apron strings !!

Anyway thats another story. Stay strong and keep your chin up chuck, you are a fab Dad and your daughter is very lucky to have your support.

Love to the family

Sarah