Hi guys

Need a bit of help please, we seem to be going in a downward spiral and don't really know where to go, I phoned a private psychologist yesterday to see if she could help us and she said that unfortunately things don't look good for out children, it is just a matter of persevering and continuing with what we have learned from previous psychologists, she said she would be happy to see us but feels a few sessions would not be enough and we could spend thousands and not be any further forward, to say I was devastated is an understatement, it's the first time anyone has been so negative, but seemingly honest with us. As you all know I thought leaving school would be the end of most of my son's problems, sadly I was wrong. He is upstairs in his room just now, feeling really down, not eating and not wanting to do anything, feel like we're back to the beginning again............but, I'm not ready to give up, I never will, but not sure where to go from here, I know he needs further help, but from where?

Dorothy x

Dorothy,

My heart goes out to you. Each time our boys withdraw, it seems worse than the last time doesn't it. It really is just so hard and I don't really think there is much you can do which is awful as we are their mums and all we want to do is to see them happy. I know it is hard, but maybe he just can't do it at this moment in time. I would imagine that all summer he has been thinking about college and the pressure has built and built and he just can't face it. Our children just want to make us happy ultimately and they know that everytime they can't manage something they feel they are letting us down and that makes them feel worse. I imagine that both you and your son are utterly exhausted from all this stress and you probably both need to just rest. Maybe college won't happen this year. Of course you won't give up and I think your son just needs to hear that you will always be there for him no matter. Your son will get better but in his own time. My son's therapist says all SR children can get better but when they are ready. Maybe your son needs time with no pressure to do anything. My son is working on a graded exposure plan at the moment, for the last three weeks, he has managed to go into his new school every morning and sit in the school office and he has one by one met all his teachers. He has also been playing in football matches for them but no lessons as yet. He is now on half term and I know when he goes back, we will probably be back to square one again. I have had to give up my job, move house and the easiest thing would be to HE him but my son wants to go to school so we carry on. Sometimes I feel so exhausted and just want to give up but we do somehow just carry on. A good cry always helps.

Do you have a sympathetic GP? Where are you located? Are you near London?

sophy

Dorothy - i can't see M turning a corner when he leaves school, the anxieties just don't disappear when they turn 16 ! My psychiatric nurse who has been a god send does CBT via the phone so if you are interested in having a chat with him let me know - he's not expensive either.

Chin up chuck - Sarah xx

Hi Dorothy

My heart goes out to you too. This must be so hard.
My understanding is that this will unfortunately be with them for life but as they develop the skills especially via CBT they will have the strategies to cope. And that yes - as Sophy says - this generally comes when they are ready and will take many years and their might always be some setbacks. This is what the psychiatrist told us. So they do get better, it just takes time. If we aren't there to support them and if they don't try skills along the way - then perhaps there is nothing that can be done but not if we are doing all we can at our end. General psychology doesn't seem to help - but specific strategies and techniques via CBT does but the child has to be ready to take it on board.

This makes it pretty hard when our kids also get depression about how they are - which means they also give up hope at times so don't want to try any type of skill/therapy etc. Taking the pressure off does seem to help but unfortunately we just have to keep being there for them and try and get them to take on CBT. The psychiatrist told me that the road ahead would be long one but she felt as a young man he'd be able to build strength if given the skills now.
It seems to be a fairly new thing, SR, so I don't think we have the stories of those who have gone through it to adulthood. Perhaps something similar but not as we seem to be experiencing it, don't you think? Makes it hard for us and Dorothy - there are no easy answers - but there is hope and there are skills your son will be able to take on board.
The anxiety is not just school related as I have observed in my son and that makes it extra tough in regard to trying to ensure they get out and about and don't just drop away from everything. Keep talking to us Dorothy - we are here for you at any time.
Take care,
Linda x

thanks guys, as usual you are there, how would i manage without you, thank you so much, if support could fix things then we would have no problems at all. Think my next step is to re visit CBT, where should I look and how will I know who is good and reliable.

Sophy, I live in Scotland, did go to GP few years ago, not sure what she can do? sounds like things going good with your son, well done him, thanks for the advice s

Sarah, thanks for the support, one day at a time x

Linda, thank you. x

Take care
Dorothyx

Hi Dorothy,
Just a thought. I know we all desperately want our kids to go out into the world and mix with their peers, be that at school, college or even work. I was just thinking whether there is something that your son could do at home i.e start a small business - even if it was buying and selling things on ebay. That may increase his self esteem and give him something to do without the pressure of being anywhere at a set time and with no one to answer to. Its just that my daughter, although managing college, is not going out at all socially and does not want a part time job where she is under pressure. She has recently started making cupcakes and decorating them beautifully and then selling them to friends and family for special occasions, birthdays etc. She has got an order for a christening now to make 50 cupcakes which she will sell at £1.50 each and therefore making a tidy profit without having to leave the house. I know its not the answer we are looking for long term but it has given her an interest for the time being. I am not suggesting your son makes cakes - but rather just thinking of something he could do to make him feel good about himself and take time away from his anxieties.
I wish my daughter would do CBT but she doesnt think she's got a problem! Good luck with the CBT and big hugs to you .

Penny

Dorothy and Penny - good to hear from you guys again.

Sarah xx

never far away x

Hi Dorothy,

Sorry to hear your son has had a setback. Just remember that as M's counsellor said "you may have setbacks but you will never go back and feel as bad as you did in the beginning". I dont know if this will help but I think of it often when M goes into a decline.

My advice, for what its worth would be to forget about education altogether. (shock/horror, I never thought I would say those words) Your son has finished his schooling, so maybe its time to go in another direction? Stop talking about it. Move on. Be supportive but let your son take the lead. Maybe try some anti-depressants for a short time to help your son feel better about himself. Then when he is feeling stronger, look into an apprenticeship or a job in something he enjoys.

In M's case it is music/gigs. She has a small part time job in a shop selling band t-shirts/merchandise and after each shift I see her confidence building. Dont get me wrong this has taken a long long time to get here, but if she is happy, why worry about college/uni etc? She knows she has to work hard to get anything in this life, she just finds it easier going about it this way.

Im sorry if this goes against all we have been striving for as far as education goes but surely, once we have fought our way through school, why go onto college etc, if our youngsters are happy, their confidence will grow and they will find their own way in the world.

I feel for all of you who still have young ones in school and I will help you all I can, but to be honest, I'm worn down by fighting the authorities all those years and just want my daughter to be happy.

Take care all.

Luv Sue and M. xx

Hi Sue - how's you ? I think that is excellent advise i really do. M is still finding tuition quite hard and i sometimes just think we are going through the motions with the authorities. I did put a spanner in the works as i think that as he has missed so much education that an extra year would be good for him, but im not sure that is a battle i want to take on. I worry what will happen when he leaves school (HE) next year as he hasn't the confidence to go out into the big wide world. If he worked for me he would never have that independance he needs, and also being in the service industry he would have to communicate with strangers !! I just don't want to think about the future for him as it fightens the life out of me. We are coming up to the 4th year of SR and often wonder if we have gone down the right route, but to be fair i haven't had that much choice.

Anyway must make a move as the ironing isn't going to do itself.

Love to all Sarxx

Sarah

Don't beat yourself up, although I ask myself the same questions, unfortunately as you know, I was so sure the problem would disappear when R left school, but sadly it wasn't to be, now i think 'should he have stayed on at school' but I don't think either of us could have went through another year of that. I try not to think to far in advance, maybe I'm hiding my head in the sand, but it's all I can deal with at the moment..........what I'm really trying to say is that we have made decisions based on circumstances at the time,and they were right at the time, I think all of us as parents have done a pretty good job.

Take care
Dorothy x

Dorothy - how are things going ? M asked me about R today.

Keep your chin up, you are such a lovely family

Sarah xx