school refusers


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School Refusal
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School refuser

Hi, I am just out of a school meeting, came home and went on here, desperately searching for answers. My daughter is 14 and has refused to go to school for the past year. She attends some classes but not very many. She is a bright and mature girl but sadly suffers from anxiety and stress all connected with school. Her fear is of others within the school environment from pupils to teachers. She fears them because of their negative behaviors and fears that at any time they will turn on her, expose her and make a fool of her.

I have involved every professional you can think of and they all keep saying the same thing..'she has to want to go back to school bad enough'...'she has to do this for herself, noone can do it for her'..you are doing more harm than good allowing her to stay at home' and lastly 'it is a legal required your child goes to school'. Now, if only it was this easy!!!! No-one more than my daughter wants to go to school! She knows she has to do it herself and noone else can do it for her! And ofcourse she knows its the law to go to school! BUT SHE CAN'T! Every day she suffers. Everyday she is torn in half with the hurt and anxiety she feels. We get told it will only get better and easier. Well it's not, its getting worse. The more I push my child the worse she is feeling and the more anxious she is getting.

I am encouraged by what I have read from this site. I am not alone. The professionals think they are helping, they're not. This is a condition that is not dealt with enough, the understanding is not there. I know because I have had to deal with my daughter every day for the last year.

I have already been told that the school will make a referral to the children's reporter as she is not attending school. This is just so wrong. Am I to be punished for my daughter's condition?? Is this what they call support??

These people do not know my child. I do. I will never give up on my daughter.

I am so frustrated, upset and angry with the school and the professionals involved. I am going to read up, seek advice and move forward with the right information. So I welcome any advise you can offer.

Many thanks,
Diane

Re: School refuser

Hi Diane - it's a real struggle isn't it? I thought we were starting to see light at the end of the tunnel (my son is 14 and hasn't been to school for 10 months now) - we are about 4 months from being seen by CAMHS which I was slightly optimistic about as I thought they might have enough experience with school refusers and would perhaps not show the same negativity that many of the other professionals have shown us. However after a recent telephone call I get the impression that CAMHS are not going to be able to help much - and we too have been told that the Children's Reporter is likely to become involved - I'm assuming you're in Scotland as I don't think England have the Children's Reporter - can I ask which region you're in (we're Highland)? Different local authorites have different policies as regards children absent from school through ill-health - and there is a Petition (PE1381) being heard in Parliament to address this. The stress of parenting a school refuser is unimaginable for people who have never experienced it, but on top of that we have to deal with the worry of our children not receiving an education and also the worry about being prosecuted or referred to the Children's Reporter. All children have a right to an education - and your local authority has a statutory duty to provide all children who are absent from school through ill-health with a 'suitable alternative education outwith an educational establishment'. Anyone who believes their LA is breaching their statutory duty under the 1980 Education Act, can make a Section 70 complaint to the Scottish Ministers - I believe I am the first person in Scotland to have done so and we are a while from seeing the finishing posts yet. In case of any confusion over whether a school refuser is ill or not (the person who visited my home from Social Services did not seem to think I could prove my son was ill) - a child who is having difficulty getting to school has additional support needs - FACT. Any child with additional support needs is protected under the ASL legislation. A couple of weeks ago I contacted the Equal Opportunities and Human Rights Commission and explained that my son was not getting an education because of inability to attend school - I was advised that I must ask the Local Authority to make 'reasonable adjustment under Para 6 of the Diasbility Act' - the reasonable adjustment being to provide my son with tuition in the home. This request should be seen to be reasonable because it is the only way at present that my son is likely to be able to receive an education - he will not consider going anywhere else (if it were that easy he would be going to school!) If the local authority fail to make that reasonable adjustment, they could well be seen to be guilty of disability discrimination. I won't go into endless detail here but will be happy to assist you in any way I can. If you haven't already done so, you should speak to someone at CHIP+ or their equivalent in your area - they will send you an info pack with loads of relevant stuff. Also Enquire - give them a phone and they will send a pack out to you too. You have a right, when attending any meetings, to take an advocate with you to speak on your behalf - or even just to write minutes for you - this would be very helpful as if you rely only on the LA's minute-taking, they only record what they feel is relevant. For example - at every meeting I have been to with School, Support Teacher, Additional Support Needs Officer, Social Worker, etc - I have requested that my son receive home tuition - there is no record of my requests in any of the minutes that have been made of any of those meetings and now the local authority are telling the Scottish Government I am making it up - because they know they are breaking the law. So there are organisations that will accompany you or advocate for you - my school and local authority didn't bother to tell me any of this. The Govan Law Centre are very helpful too - they know the education laws in Scotland inside out. I too was frightened when I heard the Children's Reporter could become involved - but they are there to help the child so in theory, if they are made aware of the legalities their intervention could be productive - they are able to make orders on the council I believe. Neither myself or my partner will ever forget the day we forced our son out of the car and drove off and left him there in the schhol grounds even though he was very upset - it was hugely traumatic and I felt like I was commiting child abuse - the school said we did the right thing but it certainly didn't feel like it - and we vowed never to do that again. Luckily around that time, the educational psychologist got involved and he said that we not to put any pressure on my son - so that provided us with breathing space as the school and social services weren't able to tell us otherwise. I am not optimistic at all that my son will return to school - especially as he has missed so much work and one of the reasons he stopped going was through worry about being behind his friends due to the time off he'd already had. However, I am optimistic that he will be given home tuition as a result of my fight - at least then he will have a chance of getting a job, whereas at the moment it feels like the Council are happy to throw him on the scrapheap because he doesn't fit into the expected norms of society. It's time they woke up and started looking into why school refusal is such a problem and address the issues that are causing our children to feel the way they do, rather than place the blame purely on the children and the parents. Hope my rant has been of some use to you - take care, Andrea.

Re: School refuser

HI Diane,

Firstly, welcome - we do understand how you are feeling.
And just a note to Andrea- wow - I Thought I was the one who write book length entries on here - but I think you have beat me on that one. Your information is valuable to others in regard to steps that need to be taken. Unfortunately we need to fight the battles now to make it easier for others later on, especially if in fact the law is not exactly against you.

Diane. The theory that the professionals push is that facing your fears eventually reduces them. I do believe this to be true in the case of specific fears and perhaps adults - but as you know with your daughter - this is not actually that 'specific' despite it being directly associated with school. This leaves our kids feeling overwhelmed by 'getting' to school even if being there is not quite as bad as getting there - they are hyper sensitive to everything. I have described my son to others as if he feels he has is inner thoughts written in writing all over his outer body - and thus the feeling that there is no where to hide - everyone is judgemental - might see a flaw- etc. Distraction via friends is a temporary relief for my son.

Have you tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? This is the process of changing negative thoughts and has had tremendous results with anxiety and some SR kids. Yes they do have to be 'ready' to take it on but at the same time - my son has evolved in the way he sees SR just be working with CBT even if he rubbishes the strategies when the time comes. CBT also helps us as 'carers' to say the right things.
We ended up seeing a psychiatrist as we thought my son needed medication and she was very straightforward and said a lot of talk with my son would not work (generally what many psychologists do) but that CBT would work if he was willing to take it on board but how myself and my ex husband approached the issue was also vital. She said dragging and pushing was no answer - but trying to face school when he could was going to show him that he can build up the resilience. It is so tough on us as parents too - as we just don't know when to push and when to step back. Accepting my son's 'condition' has helped me find a better place in my head and deal with the situation - but for me that has taken years!

Some on the forum have been able to organise home tutoring. Are you able to look into this? I do recommend seeing your local MP. Sarah on here found them to be most helpful. Schools rarely understand and unfortunately in the UK you have the threat of a reporter hanging over your heads (we don't have that sort of thing in Australia - even though it is illegal to be absent - there are no real steps in place to follow this up thankfully - except for the unfortunate indigenous population here who have been threatened with withdrawal of any financial support which is just as bad if not worse). It seems that in both countries we have a knee jerk reaction to school absences rather than looking at each family as an individual and also looking at how schools are set up.

Have you been through CAMHS yet? You sound like you have been doing all you can. It is small steps at a time. Does your daughter still have any friends in school or out of school? Is she becoming more housebound? Document everything as Simon reminds us - any meetings - visits to psychologists etc. Also the Wikipedia entry on SR is very balanced with references - but there are also books (a couple mentioned here on the webpage I think) and information from the experts (not always understanding but you can find some that is). Present your case to the MP or school again and request tutoring as it seems you are entitled.

Feel free to vent your frustration any time. My son has been off school the last two days - I get a knot in my stomach waking up - just not knowing if this is a good week or a good day - but at least he goes 2-3 days a week at the moment.
Others on here might have more specific help from the UK .
Take care -
Linda

Re: School refuser

Hi Andrea and Linda,

I am delighted by the wealth of information you have both provided. I am working today, but I can assure you that I will get back to you both the minute I get home.

I cannot thank you enough for both your replies, and everything you have both said is exactly what my daughter and I are going through.

Thank you thank you thank you!!

Kindest regards,
Diane x

Re: School refuser

Diane

Hi - apologies but i can't write much at the moment as i about to go into a meeting, but just to let you know I am thinking about you and i do understand how you are feeling believe you me, no one knows how a SR parent feels. You have got some excellent feed back already and i agree with everything stated.

Will write more later, but keep your chin up we are here for you.

Love Sarah xx

Re: School refuser

Hi Diane,

Welcome to the site ...... as Sarah said, no one knows how it feels to be the parent of a SR unless you are one.

Oh how I wish I hadnt been. It's a tough tough road but I managed to get through it with the support and friendship of everyone on here.

They saved my life many times, when I was tearing my hair out after long meetings with the professionals.

I know they will help you too. You are not alone.

Thank you all.

Sue and M xx

(Oh Andrea, you are a wealth of information .... how I wish I'd known all you do, when I was fighting my way through)

Re: School refuser

Hi everyone,

I am so touched by all the replies and simply cannot find the words to thank you all. I am so tired today. My brain has gone into overdrive. I'm going to take a big breath and get back to you all when my brain settles down a bit. It's just so overwhelming, however I am not going to give up. You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

I'm amazed at how similar we all are. I did think my daughter and I were the only ones. It seems my little girls fears the same fears as your children. Bless them!! I strongly believe our children will grow to be strong and wise individuals because of what they are going through right now. This will strengthen and encourage them. The bravery my daughter shows each day never seizes to amaze me. She is so mature and has such a great understanding of her own feelings and thoughts. Her qualities are beautiful and it is so sad to see my daughter suffer every day, it just breaks my heart.

Andrea, you are an inspiration. I am so thankful I came across this site!! I look forward to talking more with everyone and I thank you all again for taking the time to reply to me!

Kindest regards,
Diane xxx

Re: School refuser

Hi Linda - that was the short version lol! I've just made a separate post on here asking about CBT and where/how to start with it.

Sue - thanks, I just hope the research pays off; I'm on tenterhooks to see what the outcome is!

Diane - thanks for your email - I look forward to chatting any time, on here or off.

Take care everyone x

Re: School refuser

Diane,

Like Sue has said - this site saved my life. It is very hard to find other parents going through the same thing at a local level yet the statistics show there are more than our child going through at the same time.
My son's thoughts are also well above his age group and often very touching due to his insight and observation. This probably lands him in trouble when the anxiety hits as it means he thinks too much! I have my fingers crossed that I can get him there today.

Andrea - you have done tremendous work to help others by your action. I hope there is a positive outcome as it will make the world of difference to others who follow. Thank you on behalf of everyone with SR!
Linda