I'm a single mum with a 15 year old daughter, and at the moment I feel like our life is falling apart, and I've no idea what to do about it.

Having been through a tough divorce and losing my home, I decided a fresh start was needed and, after talking it over and both agreeing it would be good, my daughter and I moved to another part of the country.

Her first year in our new home (her last year of junior school) went well, with teachers reporting her fitting in like she'd always been there, making friends, and doing very well academically.

It was when she moved to senior school that everything went wrong. From the first day, she started getting bullied. She'd come home with sticky hair and clothes because kids had thrown juice over her. She was subjected to all manner of verbal abuse. At one point, a girl and her gang of friends attacked my daughter in the playground, and she was held against a wall by her throat. The school finally attempted to punish the bully, but her parents removed her from school and sent her elsewhere.

The stress of it all meant she missed a fair bit of school in year 9. I had hoped things would settle in year 10, but she now seems to be in a vicious circle...she's missed a lot of time, she can't seem to catch up, so that makes her more stressed, and she refuses to go to school...and so it goes on. She is covered with awful eczema from stress, and suffers with headaches, stomach aches and constipation, all of which I think are because of stress.

Her self esteem is zero. Since starting senior school she has gone from being a bright, top set student with lots of friends, to being a depressed loner who thinks she is fat, ugly and stupid, with no future, who can't do anything right. She has mentioned suicide, and has self harmed on two occasions. Part of her self esteem problem stems from the fact that she has been put down several sets this year in several subjects, because she hasn't been able to catch up (not that any of the teachers seem in any way inclined to help her).

A major problem is PE...she refuses to go a lot on PE days...because the uniform is shorts and a T shirt, and she gets called fat (she isn't particularly large, just average build). I wrote to her PE teacher, asking that she be excused from PE until we sort this out. The teacher responded by telling my daughter she HAS to do PE, or she'll lose her job. The teacher told her that as it is a "mental" problem and not a physical one, there's no reason for her not to do the classes.

On top of everything else, my daughter feels rejected by her father, my ex-husband, who hasn't seen her in years, and didn't even bother to send a birthday card this year.

My daughter has been seeing CAMHS for a few weeks, but things seem to have got worse since she's been going. I worry about her future, but I'm more concerned right now with her mental state. She can't be positive about anything, can't see a good future for herself, and nothing I say or do changes anything. She takes anything I say as criticism. It's hard to get her to come out of her room, take part in the family, or even wash herself.

Whilst all this has been going on, I've been treated for clinical depression myself, and whilst I know I should be going to school and making a fuss, trying to get help, the times I've been in the past have been so unpleasant, it's hard for me to go through it again. School are only interested in "bums on seats" for their spreadsheets, nothing seems to be done about the culture of bullying at the school, and all their efforts seem to be going into gaining academy status, whatever that means!

I am at my wits' end. I worry for my daughter's safety and mental health. I honestly don't know where to turn.

Hi Allie,

Welcome Allie. I am so sorry to hear how tough things are for you and your daughter right now. It must be so worrying for you to see your daughter like this.
You will find from the posts on here that each individual school is different but generally it is a battle to get them to understand.

Others on here can probably help you with more specifics as I am not from the UK (although having been on here for so long now I feel I know the UK system better than my own!).
What I would ask is have you had your daughter assessed by a doctor.

Sarah on here can tell you more about parent partnership - but she found them supportive.
http://www.parentpartnership.org.uk/

Are you able to get any counselling for yourself as well? I always stress that Cognitive Behaviour Therapy works well with anxiety and it is good if both child and parent do this (Penny on here mentioned this as being very useful for herself some time back). It might mean finding someone private - and being a sole parent (I am one too) I know finances can be difficult.

In the meantime - let her know that you do understand her. Tell her about this forum and that there are other kids out there who are going through the same thing. SHe might feel terribly alone but she is not alone. My son has not slipped back into depression since I accepted that this was the way he was going to be and even though I may have had other hopes once - I now just hope that he doesn't get depressed , takes small steps and gets education from whereever he can. School isn't everything (Thanks Sue for often reminding me of this!).

Regarding the bullying. That sounds so awful - no wonder your daughter then wanted to avoid school. Is the bullying continuing?
REgarding the PE. I think it was Simon on here who found his daughter not wanting to do sport or PE. The school really does have to understand. I have raved on in previous posts about how much it annoys me that every subject and teacher are so tied up to assessment that they can't see the individual child.
Can CAMHS step in and support you on that? At least until things are sorted. Afterall - attending school surely is what the school wants - so if attending by not doing PE is the way they have to go - they should support you.

Just to let you know that we are here for you and can support you in any way we can. SOmetimes just venting how we feel helps. Others on here might have more direct help when they read your post.
Take care and don't despair. TOmorrow is another day and just tell your daughter you love her and are together with her on this to make things feel better. Even take the time to have just a relaxing day with her - no pressure - no talk about school - just to regain her confidence in small steps.
Stay in touch,
Linda

hi allie

just to let you know that everyone on this site is here for you i have found it a great help.
its my daughter with sr but when my son was bullied i found that i had to go into school and stand your ground on the help they need to give you i know this is not always easy i am also being treated for depression which i have had for years so i do know what its like. my son was also very unhappy crying every night about homework etc, i phoned the school and said that he would not be returning to school until they agreed not to give him any more homework to bring home this made a big difference i suppose he had sort of sr but i didnt realise it at the time he is now in his last year he goes to school 3 days a week and does work experience 2 days a week. counting the days till the end.
schools conentrate so much on exam results which isnt the be all and end all. both my older sons struggled at school the oldest one left school with no exam results but has always worked he is now self employed and doing very well earning a good wage ( a friend of his went to university for 3 years and is now sat at home out of work not earning any money and in debt) .
anyway im going on a bit now all im saying is that education is not everything our childrens wellbing and state of mind is so much more important i think that there is so much pressure on kids today and there is no need for it only last week on the front of our local paper it was a about a young boy hanging himself i dont want this for my children
you need to take your daughter to the doctors they may be able to help i know my doctor has been a great help for me as well as my daughter.
not sure if any of this helps good luck i know some days it seems impossible to know what to do but we always seem to manage to pull through tomorrows another day
jennifer x x

Allie - are you describing your daughter or my son ??? Your story is exactly the same as ours. My son was a bright funny popular child in primary school but that all changed as soon as he started senior school !! He too was bullied - not to the extent your daughter was, and this coupled with the fact the school was so big completely knocked his sideways. We too had 3 years with CAMHS, and I must say i think it helped me more than my son as i off loaded my anxieties with regards to SR off on them. As previously suggested see your GP, ours was absolutley fantastic as he too suffered SR as a child and he had even written a paper in it. As Linda said ( hi Linda ) CBT is fantastic - we have another session tonight and it has helped my son so much. He became aggrophobic for months, didn't want to do anything not even wash as he couldn't see the point. PE was a real issue but i'm really not sure why as he was an excellent sportsman, and even today he can't explain why. My son doesn't go to school now but is home tutored, a service paid for by the school but it has been a long hard struggle to sort out, and if you are not feeling well yourself may be hard for you. PARENT PARTNERSHIP PARENT PARTNERSHIP PARENT PARTNERSHIP please please look them up and call them. They will help you with meetings, letters and offer so much support they are fantastic and have helped me so much to the point i would love to work for them. It is so hard for every family who have a SR no one has any idea. I am struggling to understand ( i am no expert ) why the school can't excuse your daughter from PE, and to say its a mental and not a physical problem is dreadful, again a lack of empathy does not help at all and unfortunately we have to put up with other peoples ignorance!! Slow integration may help your daughter, only going in for a few lessons a week which she feels compfortable with, then slowly slowly building up when and only when your daughter is OK with this. I really hope this helps you and please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, even if it's just for a rant.
Take care Sarah xx

Just one more thing - what county are you in ? x

Hi Allie,
Reading you post it is just as if I was reading my own experiences with my 15 year old son. He was a sociable, bright lad in primary school and this was robbed of him when he went through 2 years of bullying. I then transferred him to another school where he settled until boys at the first school bullied him on facebook. It happened over the anti bullying week last year and was so vile I reported it to the police and also both schools. Throughout it all he suffered with irritable bowel symptoms......has your daughter been put on any medication for this? My son went downhill after this ....severe panic attacks.....irregular attendance at school......self harm ...depression. Last full day at school would have been in March with Camhs working with him since May and on fluoxetine and melatonin since June. The way your daughter is coping with the camhs meetings is maybe because things that she'd put to the back of her mind to protect herself are now being brought to the forefront. Allie, all you can do is take one day at a time and reassure your daughter that you will be there for her 'cos at the minute she'll feel as if everyone is against her. Any frustration or anger about how she feels will also be directed your way.It is hard but I try to focus on the small positive steps... should that even be if he has had a shower ! Like my son she has had to cope with 2 big life events (the loss of her father through your divorce and the persistent bullying) so understandably is finding it had coming to terms with it all.
You are a caring mum who just wants her daughter to be happy again! You are doing your best and already have got help from camhs for her and have joined this forum as you are wanting to get whatever help you can for her.
always remember you ARE a good mum and that we are always here for you.
Take care,
Lindy x

Have to second the cries of PARENT PARTNERSHIP!

Hope you find the support you need on here x

I've been sitting here in tears reading the responses, mostly out of sheer relief that other people understand what we've been going through! It is so good to know I'm not alone, or going crazy.

We had a CAMHS meeting tonight. Daisy has been seeing the counsellor on her own, but asked me to sit in this time. We talked about ways to ease her anxiety about school. Thank you so so much to everyone for your input, it helped me to help her, and we came up with a list of things that would help, and her CAMHS counsellor is going to set up a joint meeting with school, so that we can iron out some kind of agreement to help D stay in school. It will be great for me to have the support of CAMHS at that meeting, because in the past, the head of house has been very dismissive of Daisy's problems...telling a petrified and depressed teen that it's their responsibility to go to school, and to just "suck it up" and get on with it rarely works, in my experience!

On the list to suggest are that Daisy drop a couple of subjects to make her workload more reasonable (she was taking 11 GCSEs...I only took 8 o levels myself, and I remember how stressful and difficult that was!) Also, we are going to ask about tutoring for catching up with the subjects she wants, or has to, continue with.

After this session I also realised I was unwittingly putting a lot of pressure on Daisy to look ahead to university. I suppose this is because I was never able to go, and I felt I missed out. After a heart to heart, I realise she just can't face the thought of more academia at the moment. She had always wanted to be a vet, or an archeologist, but now she wants to work toward a vocational course...bakery and patisserie..and I have to learn that university isn't everything, and if she dreams of being a baker now rather than a vet, that's fine. The fact that she can see ANY future for herself is a plus at this stage. The course she wants to do requires 4 GCSE passes, and that will take a lot of pressure off her. All I want right now is to try to repair her fragile self worth and confidence, and improve her mental state so I'm not fearful of her doing something awful to herself.

Am I alone in thinking that 15 is a crazy age to make kids make this kind of decision, or shoulder the responsibility of taking such important and far-reaching exams, while they are still struggling to cope with the changes of puberty?

I told Daisy about this forum today and the things that have been said, and we had the best conversation we've had in a while, and she opened up a little bit...not much, but we celebrate the little victories, right? And we managed to talk for quite a while without her screaming at me, saying I was "having a go" at her, or her flouncing off and slamming a door! progress! And we had a pretty good evening out together at a local school Christmas fair.

I just want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for their support and advice. Things don't look as black today as they did yesterday. Knowing that I'm not alone has made a huge difference.

Hi Linda! I've had some CBT for my depression and I've definitely found it helps. I took Daisy to the doctor after her suicide attempt, and that was when she was referred to the mental health service. I also took her to the doctor repeatedly about her recurring tonsillitis, stomach problems and eczema,and her anxiety about school, and the doctor wasn't helpful at all....the standard "pull yourself together and go to school" speech. People just keep telling me to force her to go. But how do you force a 15 year old who is as big as you, younger and fitter, and mad as heck! Either that or how can I, as a mother, ignore my child when she weeps and begs me not to make her go to a place where she doesn't feel safe :(

I'll take a look at parent partnership. Thanks so much for your support x

Hi Jennifer....thanks for reminding me that school and exam results are not the be all and end all...I needed to hear that! I just need to have a safe and healthy daughter at the end of senior school, results don't seem that important any more. Thanks so much for your support, it means so much x

Hi Sarah! Thanks so much for your support, and advice. I'm so sorry to hear your son has been through the same things. It breaks my heart to think of all these children struggling so much. I'll definitely look at parent partnership....and CAMHS is going to help me liaise with school to find a way forward. It helps to know we aren't alone, doesn't it?

Hi Allie,

Glad you are feeling a bit better about things. It is just incredibly overwhelming and draining. We have to remain strong but it is just too hard sometimes to keep up the strength each day.
It is easy for our kids to feel we are having a go at them because conversations so easily fall back that way. I have had to really work hard at this and even now sometimes end up saying things I know don't help.
But with the help of this forum - I have found I am in a different place than I was last year or the years before! Take each day - and small steps at a time.
Linda

Hi Lindy....I'm so sorry your son has gone through such a hard time too. Thanks so much for your support, and for reminding me that just because she hits out at me, it doesn't mean she hates me, it's just that I'm the closest to her. She needs a safety valve right now, and I'm glad she feels safe for me to be that for her. It's good to be reminded that I'm a good mum, too...with all this going on, I was starting to wonder how I'd failed as a parent.

Hi Allie,

You are a good mum. I have certainly at time felt like I have failed too! But we are actually really caring for our kids by doing all we can to help.

I am currently trying to sort out a test my son has missed twice because of SR that the secondary school runs for attending next year. It is little things like this that just make the days always have blips! I wish they'd just forget it! My son went to school today and yesterday - so I am happy - but they keep trying to get him to go down to the secondary school to do this! They can't understand that it would be a huge thing for him to front up there and then do a two hour test. Forget the testing - give our children some life back!

Glad to hear the CBT was something you felt worked. The child has to be ready to take it on, however, so it can take some time. Hope you find something but I know exactly how you feel getting the brunt of your daughters anger and frustration. It is sad we have to go through this and no one understands - except on here.

You need some sleep! It is daytime here - but sleep time where you are!
Take care,
Linda

Sleep? That's a novel idea! I can't remember the last time I had a decent 8 hours....it's hard to drop off when you've so much going round in your head, and you dread the morning because you know just how hard it's going to be! I suffer from ME and fibromyalgia, with restless legs syndrome (all thought to be brought on my major stress...hmmm, wonder what that could be lol)...often I'm laying in bed desperately trying to sleep, and my legs decide otherwise and start doing Riverdance all on their own!

I used to think of myself as weak because I have struggled to deal with all this....but seeing it all written down has made me realise I'm actually very strong, and we should all congratulate ourselves on hanging in there and keeping on fighting for and supporting our kids, no matter what.

That must be hard Allie. And yes - the stress level we go through are incredible really. Doing this as a sole parent makes mot things tough as the decisions lie on our head.
My son has sleep problems - he also says he does not want to go to sleep because he knows he will feel worse and might have an anxiety meltdown.
Trouble is for him - lack of sleep means it is harder to cope. But I can also see that you can't force someone to sleep.
River dancing in bed is hardly ideal! Does your daughter also have trouble sleeping?
Anyway - I am sidetracking on here....better go and do something!
Good luck for tomorrow.
Linda