Hi i am new here and came across this site after hours and hours of surfing and research.
I have had a problem with my daughter, who is 13, for as long as i can remember, she has never 'liked' school, i have always had a battle with getting her there ever since nursery. Things got really bad in the last year of middle school she had been bullied and i contacted the school and they promised to look into it, they came back and said there was no evidence of bullying, this is when the EWO got involved. I had endless meetings and visits from her, during one of the meetings with her and the school head teacher they made a suggestion that 'she had thought hard to dream up a story of the bullying to avoid going to school' this upset her so much that she ran out of school and resulted in me having to chase her, take her home and calm her down. She agreed to go in to school the next day where we were met by the head teacher who told her to hurry up inside, she got very emotional and he took hold of her arm and marched her to her class refusing to allow her to go to the toilet, i made an official complaint about this but never heard much from it, after this the daily task of getting her to school became worse and worse, it was a constant battle.
When she started high school the situation was the same she refused to go to school usually stating she had a headache/tummy ache or felt sick, i complied with the school and telephoned everytime to let them know what was happening and the only help i got was a meeting with head of year/EWO/ education boss to discuss things and they put a parental agreement in place which i signed and was told the next step was to be court action, not much support really, the gp refered us to camhs which they got no outcome from it as to why she was refusing to go to school.
I thought about everything really hard and talked things over with my daughter and we made the decision to move away 25 miles and began all the process, applying for schools etc.
We were unable to get the schools that we requested and were offered an alternative one we accepted but they were unable to let us have a place until september (all this was in june) so after 3 months of no school she started at the new one, first couple of days great and i was hopeful that it was the change she needed, she managed 4 days and then the usual symptoms began feeling sick/headache etc i knew the signs and contacted school straightaway and had meetings with them and they were very supportive, they asked me if she had ever had an assessment to find out if she was school phobic, she hadnt, so they said they will start all the referals, i contact the school and EWO regularly. The school are very supportive nad are helping out a lot, all the EWO has done is send me a letter stating i have until 6th january to ensure her attendance improves or i will be taken to court, i rang her and explained everything i go through everyday just to try to get her to school, she said ok then she is a school refuser/avoider and that means getting mental health services and social services involved. Upon hearing this i was a little taken aback and cut the conversation short. After this i have had a very rough time the stress i am going through is immense, everyday i am in tears and feel unable to go on, i dont sleep or eat properly i am depressed and have so many emotional thoughts. I can only begin to imagine how my daughter is feeling.
Sorry for the very long post but i needed to get everything off my chest.
Any advice would be much appreciated.

First of all, hi and welcome to the forum. I, too, was new a few days ago.

Have the new school or your GP referred your daughter to CAMHS? This may be a good step forward for getting people off your back about her attendance. Also, has the school got a learning mentor? Have they put anything in place for supporting her in getting to school like a meet and greet? I sound really knowledgeable but I'm not - lol. I am new to the SRS thing myself after battling for what we now realise is about 12 months, however my best friend is a learning mentor and was a child counsellor and knows her stuff and she keeps texting me new stuff for my daughter who is 8.

She will be having a meet and greet routine starting from Monday. School find she is OK when she is in school and is a model pupil and eager to please so they are hoping that if she knows someone is waiting for her at the main door she will be more inclined to get up and dressed. Plan - do - review!

I hope you find lots of support here - everyone has been great with me so far!

Hilary

Rachel - Hi and remember you are NOT alone, we all know what you are going through, and what your daughter is going through. I think i once signed a parental agreement, but it was broken the day after it was signed. EWO's are so used to dealing with truants and i really dont think that have any training where SR is concerned. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place, you want to support your daughter but at the same time you are frightened at the tought of going to court - that is an awful feeling and no wonder you are so low. You need to contact Parent Partnership for the emotional and legal support - they are excellent they really are. You can't rush a SR into anything it has to be in their own time and this is something the so called professionals have difficulty in understanding. My son is due to go to college for the day tomorrow and as i am sitting here typing away he has just been in and said he doesn't feel that well - the signs for the morning are there already - and i thought he would be ok as he missed his day there last week. I did get very depressed at one time, but i did get over it, and sometimes to protect myself i do let it all just go over my head, it's not that i don't care but it's my way of handling it all. Don't worry too much about the threat of court action, if you can prove you are doing everything you can i really can't see how they can go there. You must keep a daily diary of everything as this will help further down the line. Keep your chin up and keep supporting your child that's my best advise.

Sarah xx

Hi Rachel,

It's tough, isn't it. We know how you are feeling - don't feel alone.
The schools always seem to make us feel that we are on our own - but obviously by the forum and the statistics - there are others out there and at the same schools.
Sarah and Hillie have given you some good advice. I know it is hard to know how to keep going - but hang in there. Sounds like it sends all of us into depression. I have been on anti depressants for awhile which takes the edge of the overwhelming feeling of despair I used to have each day - just not knowing if my son would go to school and coping the the guilt placed on us if they don't go.
Sounds like the new school is supportive so you might find they can get some ideas going. Mention Cognitive Behaviour therapy to CAMHS as it is this that seems to help our kids build up their self esteem again.
Take care and we are here to help in any way we can.
Linda

Hi Rachel

I made my first post at 2am yesterday morning, and have had some really wonderful support and advice already...we are in the right place, with people who understand and have been through the same thing. Just knowing we aren't alone sometimes helps. You can tell by the time of this post too, I don't sleep much! I've been on anti depressants because of all this too. It's very hard to see your child in so much pain, and yet to seem unable to get anyone to help, or even believe you.

My daughter and I had a CAMHS appointment today, and after reading the advice I was given here, I've arranged for their counsellor to come with us to a meeting at school, to support us in getting some help. I was petrified of going to the school on my own, as they've been unsupportive, sceptical and somewhat patronising. They seemed to think they could scare me into getting Daisy to school by threatening court action. Not helpful. I hope having someone there to represent us who knows about these things will help, and they might be more inclined to listen.

To be honest, I didn't know SR or School Phobia existed before I stumbled on this forum...it's quite an eye opener. I'm not sure that school will accept either SR or SP exists though! Daisy has been treated like a naughty child or a truant, and it seems to have been the same for your family.

I hope you can take comfort in the knowledge that you aren't alone, and that other people have been through the same thing, and come out the other side with their kids ok.

Take note of the advice you're given here...it's already started to help me. x

Hi again Allie and Rachel,

The entry about SR on Wikipedia seems very balanced and makes references to professional studies/reports. I would put together as much information as you can - even a list of books (some are listed on the webpage here) and show them to the school. They have to believe that it is an anxiety disorder. There isn't always a direct reason but in your case it seems that bullying triggered it.

At one of the universities here in Australia are conducting research into whether CBT on its own works or CBT and medication (you can tell the school that research is being conducted in how to treat it). There has also work been done in other places here - surely some in the UK too? Just a matter of finding out where perhaps.

Linda

Thanks for all the replies, first of all we have had CAMHS intervention before and they said they were unable to find anything from the meetings i dont know if it was a case of the counsellor was not aware of SR or if my daughter did not open up to them, as she can be very stubborn when she wants and she opted to have the sessions in private and did not wish for them to tell me anything that had happened so until they discharged her i knew very little.
The school she is at now are very good and they are the ones that have suggested she has SR/SP until this i had never heard of it, i have had to research it all myself the EWO has agreed with the school but this has not stopped her sending out the threatening letters, i am beginning to wonder if she knows just how much pressure i am under and how it is affecting me, getting the letters from her just adds to it.
I feel so low just now and dont know where to turn for help, i have good support and understanding from my family, but her dad is another story he has never had anything to do with her as he doesnt want to know her.
I am not sure that a meet and greet would work with her as she is in high school and this may not be possible to do. Although it may be worth suggesting to them, i am also going to do lots more research and try to make a plan and some sort of agreement with school and my daughter.
I have not been to the gp yet as i am unable to get an appointment even though i keep trying.
I have had a particlarly bad few days and this morning isnt looking too good either she is just sat here trying to make me upset, she gives me so much abuse when i ask her if she is going to go in to school, she tells me that i dont love her and that she hates me, i know she does this to upset me so that i will let her stay at home.I have cried over it for hours and upset myself and its not worth it

Oh Rachel - your daughter, my son and most kids on here have read the same book - let's have a go at Mum ( or Dad ) and make her feel so awful !! This i promise is her anxieties and the way she expresses herself. They think by trying to make them go to school that we don't love them, and only in time will they understand. When my son was at the height of his anxieties and i used to get so upset and breakdown he would throw it back at me by saying this isn't all about you oh look at poor you boo hoo hoo or words to that effect. He now realises that what i did was for him, and agrees with the majority of the things i did - one or two he still occassionally throws back at me, for example the day i got him into school and left him there with the head of year, I don't think he will ever understand why i did it even though i had no choice. Anyway i need to go now as M is going to college for the day - again one to one but if everything doesn't go smoothly on these morinings we run the fear of him refusing !!

Talk soon Sar xx

OH i have just had her tell me that she doesnt want to live here any more, i asked her where she is going to live and she doesnt know, but she does want to be out of here. Ive told her that if she cant live by a few rules(its not just the sr/sp thats the problem) then she will have to get used to it. She has a bad attitude to go with the sr/sp she will not do anything she refuses to help with household chores, she wont go to bed when asked, she is horrified if i ask her to go to the shop for me, due to this i have started taking things away from her wii, phone, laptop etc that is the main reason she doesnt want to live here. She has told me to ring ss this morning to tell them to come for her.i have cried and cried and dont know what to do

Rachel this is all part of anxiety, and at the moment you can't see that but it all follows a patten i promise. Your daughter is hitting out at you because she loves you and she thinks moving away is the answer, we had this earlier this year when my son sent to his Dads for 2 weeks holiday ( he only sees him 1 or 2 a year ) and he lives in the very north of Scotland - nice easy living in a farm no hassle. I did give him the option to go and after a couple of weeks decided to stay. He said he didn't want to live with Dad, but wanted me and his brother to move there. Your daughter doesn't know how to handle the situation that's all, and she is looking to you for the answers, which unfortunately we don't always have - it's easier to blame someone else than admit she has a problem. It's only been this last year my son realised he had a problem and since then we have most of the time moved forward. Tomorrow is another day, just let your daughter know you are there for her, don't argue with her as it is fueling the fire, easier saud than done i know and it will get better.

Let me know how you get on.

Lots of Love Sarah xx

Rachel,

You have already had some really good feedback from others going through similar experiences. I have a daughter who is now (supposed to be) going to college. She was well enough to go to a late night cinema last night, but not well enough to go in to college this morning.

When we went through the stage you are at, it was a stressful, tearful time. I have learnt so much from others on this site that I wished I had known at the time.

Parental contracts have been mentioned. Whilst we never had to sign anything, we were constantly in breach of agreements because our daughter simply opted out. But one thing I learnt from this is that contracts need to be two way. The school needs to be offering something; late starts, selected lessons, a single point of contact - something! Often it seems to be 'get your child in, or else'!

To reiterate somethings already mentioned - keep a diary and maybe your daughter should be keeping one too. Keep copies of all correspondence, and where there is no written record of a meeting, write one and share it by email. If it does get to court, then you will be prepared, and not left in a state of panic. Our school did everything possible to avoid the legal route. I am not sure that was a good thing, because we needed to highlight the failure of the system.

Our daughter lost all sense of control of her own life, and I think her behaviour was partly designed to give herself some power. 'I am not going to school, and that is my decision'. She did suggest withdrawal of some of her possessions as a punishment, but as her absence from school extended, so did her withdrawal from her group of friends, and keeping in contact online became important (for peer support), and she did this through her games machine.

ChildLine is a useful option. But you need to be subtle about how you mention it! They have some good videos on BT Vision at the moment. And on YouTube: http://youtu.be/3DBFNlViJTk

Now it is the weekend. You both need a break from the stress.

And take care of yourself.

Simon

Hi Simon - good to hear from you. Im sorry to hear about your daughter, we had a pretty much the same morning ourselves. M didn't go to his college lesson last week as he wasn't well !!!!!! so i called in for him, but told him it would be twice as hard this week but he assured me he would be fine. This morning i could tell he was wobbling but i chose to ignire it, and once in the car we had the i don't feel well, feel sick really really Mum.. After telling him he would be ok he said i just didn't understand and it was like going into school - i assured him it was anxieties and he would be find when he got there. We did get there, walked in very very slowly and at one point did think he was going to turn round and run off but he didn't but if looks could kill. I smiled at the tutor and off i went. I have just this second called him and he is absolutely fine - but a felt like a bad Mum. He is now worried that he is too thin - told him to eat more, he has a very slim build natuarally, and I said if he went home he would just sit and worry more - he said he would rather sit and worry than to block it out. Roll on 2.30pm when i pick him up, just hope i don't get a back lash !!

Sar xx

Hi Rachel,

I have shed many tears and agree with what the others have said and what Sarah mentioned re lashing out at you. I was at that stage awhile back and I cried a lot. My son also told me that he hated me and he started begging to live in the UK(we have relatives in Scotland). It got to the point that he believed it was the only thing that was going to make him feel better and start a fresh. The let down was pretty awful with him swearing and yelling at me when he realised it was just a dream. He said he wanted to live anywhere but here. So that fits in with what your daughter is throwing at you. It hurts and I told my son how hurtful it was. However, the abuse back stopped (only occasional now) when I stopped forcing him to go to school and accepting him where he was so that he knew I believed him (and his dad stopped thinking he was making it all up and I was just as soft mum). He will push the boundaries with illness sometimes but generally his anxiety does make him sick. Going to the shops has never been something he could do so I never ask. SOmetimes he won't get out of the car-but that is ok too unless I have talked about it beforehand.

As for bed and chores. Same problem here - I go through stages-writing rules-sticking them up- having consequences (less time on computer) but it rarely works. But what I have realised is that there are so many negatives re not going to school that the rest re chores not getting done, homework not getting completed, refusing to go to be- just fall on deaf ears these days. So I am working on positives, I am praising him for every little thing and he seems happier. If we go on about the chores-it just adds to the falling out. My son said he blocks all his anxiety out when on the computer- so getting through to him becomes difficult.

So- take a step back. Forget the chores at the moment-and bed time. Just get to know your daughter in a new light and tell her that it might not always seem that way when anxiety gets in the way - but you do love her and you are doing your best to find the best way to help. Ask her what is supportive for you to say when she is anxious. My son told me that what he hates is me saying"I am sorry you feel that way...." He does not yet know what he'd prefer but generally very little and when angry not a hug- but a hug later.

Don't know if this helps but pulling back on a lot of things might help.
Taking away things doesn't help. Sorry- done that- and it just makes an angry anxious kid feel they are being punished for something they can't control.
Consequences need to be smaller things I found and 'time watching a TV program was threatened to betaken away or time on the computer (I threaten to pull the plug). You then have to cop the fallout but they get over that quicker than taking things away. I thought and probably still do on occasions that my son is misbehaving by being stubborn and awkward about helping but it seems more to be a result of so often feeling anxious.

Keep talking to us. We are here to support.
Can you find a hobby to distract yourself when your daughter is like this? Always keep in mind-she doesn't really mean half the things she says -she is just one frustrated child who feels no one understands. Let her know that you are on her side.

Linda

Linda - excellent advise on concentrating on positives and praise. Not my SR son, but son No 2 who who has more confidence than anyone i know went through quite a long period of being a pain - don't think the SR brother helped, but we were having constant battles with everything and it got to the stage where we were at loggerheads all the time. Me being so tired of everything didn't help and at times, not all the time he was after my attention. For the past 6 months I have only concentrated on the positives with him, and consequences and actions. He has completely turned around, and if we have had cross words more than a handful of times then thats it. He hasn't turned into an angel, but he is respectful, and the majority of the time will do as he is told. He will soon be 13 and we have had many conversations about how he used to be, and now that he behaves he is rewarded, and i ignore any nonsence.

Our lives have turned such a corner, and to be honest he is my rock at times. He has accepted his brother doesn't go to school, and it doesn't bother him now like it used to as he coundln't understand why he had to go.

Anyway goung off on one now, but food for thought as every child is different.

Sar xx

hi everyone
just been reading all the latest posts.
my daughter also vents all her anger out on me i have had texts when she has been taken into school under pressure saying that i dont care about her or i wouldnt do that to her, all i think about is school not how she feels like others on here say i know i have to ignore it and not argue back other wise you end up saying things you know are not going to help. i have been keeping a diary of her behaviour so that i can tell camhs what as been happening as it is sometimes very hard to remember what day was what with everything going on. she has now had a refferal to educational psychology with an appointment on 1st dec im hoping this will help.today wasnt to good she did manage to get dressed and was quite happy this morning as it was non uniform day but after having put all her makeup on and making herself look really nice she started crying took the makeup off and changed her cloths not sure why this happened only managed to get her into school when i said i would pick her up early. not sure what school thought of this but i know i cant let that bother me. anyway weekend now so everything will proberly be ok till sunday night when i know it will all start again but at least that is a couple of days away.
best wishes to everyone
jennifer

Jennifer - oh Sunday nights, now that's bought back memories of just how awful if used to be. So you picked your daughter up early, at least she went in so that is great, well done to you both. It is so easy to say don't argue, but you are as frustrated and anxious as she is but no one thinks about the parents and what we go through.

Enjoy the weekend, and try not to think too much about SR, easier said than done but do your best.

Sarah xxx

Thanks for all the wonderful replies and the advice from you all. So far school have been quite good and understanding about it, they are the ones that picked up on the situation and asked me if she has had an assessment, well the answer was no as i had never even heard of sp/sr until they raised the subject. I have got an appointment with the gp but this is next friday (25th) and seems so long away and then i have to convince him that she needds a referal to camhs,again, dont know how easy this is going to be but i know that if i tell him just what is happening he should do it, i have been told i could be in for a long wait
It is the EWO that is not very understanding of the situation as instead of having meetings with us she has simply issued a letter with the threat of legal action if the situation does not improve before 6th jan, well i have been battling this for years so a few weeks will make no difference and if she wants to i can always get letters from the gp and other people. The SENCO is aware of the situation but all she has said is how do you feel about a transitional move of schools? now that to me sounds like she isnt doing her job correctly, i told her if that is what she wanted to do then thats fine but i would call her to look for my daughter after she had run away as she would have been taken away from her friends, she wasnt too keen on the idea then. I have tried this week several times to contact her to try to arrange a meeting with her and whoever else needed at school to try to discuss some sort of plan to get at least minimal education for daughter, even if she started by going in for the lessons that she does enjoy, it would be a start and i also wanted to ask her if there was anything that they could provide for her to do at home so she is not missing too much education, but she never returns my calls so i have not had any success with this yet. I did speak to the pastoral leader today and he assured me that i am doing everything i can and that both him and the head of year are limited to what they can do other than come to the house everyday to collect her, but if she refuses they are unable to do much.
I have told them that i have got the gp appointment and i am asking for another referal to camhs and to anyone else that will be able to help me. I did try to contact the EWO to explain the whole situation to her but she was out of the office, left a message for her to contact me, and surprise, she hasnt so monday morning i will be ringing her yet again. I have visited so many websites for information about sp/sr and i am going to print it out over the weekend and read it all so i can understand it properly and have it should i need it for various people. I have sent an email to the local parent partnership office and had a reply back that they have got lots of support and advice available and will ring me on monday afternoon. I am looking forward to getting all my 'evidence' together for the education when they finally decide to take legal action!! i am also keeping a diary of events, i take note of when she attends and refuses and all the peole that i contact and speak with so that it cant be said that i have not complied with them.
I would just like to add that i do not take things away from her for not going to school, it is for her behaviour for other things, a good example is she feels unable to move plates/cups that she has used to the sink, if she is unable to do this then she is unable to play on the games console and i remove it.
I know people are telling me not to stress over her going to bed but i need the time on an evening to unwind after the stressful day, i have never allowed bad behaviour and she knows this she just seems to be using the excuse regarding school to get let off with other things, she will not take her washing to the basket so i dont go looking for it, she feels unable to talk to me but can stay awake until the early hours talking to friends on the phone so i take it away as she has kept the whole house awake, i know people might think that it will seem like i am punishing her for not going to school but i make it clear to her that is not the reason it is for the way she behaves in general.
She has started swearing at me a lot and it is not mild language either she knows that i do not want to hear this, neither does the elderly neighbour we have, especially when she is in the garden with me sayin f this and f that in a general conversation. She now knows that if she continues then she is going to have tv viewing stopped in her room, i have dont this recently and it has worked.
I am just looking forward to having a peaceful weekend where i know she isnt going to say to me i feel sick, ive got a headache well at least not until sunday night anyway.
It just feels like i have no one to talk to as i am on my own - single parent and none of my family live close by either so in effect i have no one to talk things over with or take her for a few hours so i can have a break. I am going through feeling isolated with all this going on and feel like no one cares although i know that they do and my mum rings me everyday but she cant stop this big black cloud that is hanging over my head right now.

Hi Rachel,

You are doing all the right things and I am sure that someone will call back and even if you are able to get support from parent partnership you will feel less isolated. It certainly doesn't help when your daughter's general behaviour seems to be less than desired. My son's behaviour may or may not be related to his anxiety but I do feel that when it is holidays he helps more but during the school week - same as your daughter - I have to set consequences in place for not taking dishes away etc. This is also I think a typical sole parent household, don't you think? I don't think my son would have had as many freedoms in the first place if there were more in the family. This means we probably have to undo some of them. So I would have to say that sometimes it is hard to tell if my son is just being a naughty child or whether his lack of desire to do what he is told in the house is a result of being on edge all week.

It really is hard doing it on your own. My heart goes out to you as I know that feeling so well. I am lucky that my ex has finally come to understand and we now have an agreement that the three of us made in front of the psychiatrist (with her help) that if my son misses one day - then ok. If he misses two days in a row then I talk to my ex and we come up with a plan or he comes over to talk to him and try and take him. My son is a bit afraid of his dad as he did drag him there crying once (in the days when he thought he was just making it up). SO this kind of works ...mostly....but 3 days in two weeks lately is a slip back.

Hoping you can relax over the weekend and next week is a new week. Let your daughter know you are on her side and even if she yells she doesn't believe you and swears - you know she has heard you and little by little it might sink in.
The other thing is, SR kids don't know what is happening to them. It is frightening for them. They feel out of control. So bad behaviour can go hand in hand with SR as can withdrawal. SOme SR kids won't come out of their room or talk. It is hard to know how to draw them back to who they were and perhaps they never will be quite who they were but they can accept where they are now and take small steps forward. You will get there - it will take time.
We are here any time.
Linda

sounds like a familier nightmare

have you called the childrens legal centre? they can be very helpful

Hi Jezebel, where will i get the contact details from for the childrens legal centre? and what help will they be able to give me?
I am just so stressed by everything jsut now and do not know what to do or who to go to for help, although the school are very supportive but i know that they have other students to look after too so cant rely on them all the time, hopefully next week will be better for me and i will have more answers and information that i am able to go to school with and put in place some sort of plan or even part time timetable.
I am so grateful for all the help and advice from people on here and although each child is different and need different tactics i am finding that it is easier to cope having someone that i can ask questions to

Well had a goodish weekend, daughter begged all saturday to have her phone topped up so yesterday i gave in and made a deal with her that i would top it up if she went to school this week or i would remove her phone, she agreed to this and said i promise i will go.
She got up this morning and got ready then refused to go, stating that she is on her period so cant go, not an excuse i explained that everyone else has to carry on as normal and she should go in to school, she kept messing around when the bus was due and this made me angry with her and ask her for the phone as i knew she was not going to go, this sparked off a major argument she screamed at me and said you are not having my phone, i told her that she had made an agreement yesterday and i wanted it her reply, i want never gets!! i told her to hand it to me or i would get it myself, to which she gave the usual abuse i ignored then she stepped it up a little calling me a bi**h and told me to drop dead, this is something i cant ignore as she knows that i have liver problems and that things could get bad at any time she knows that this will upset me, we had a big argument where she then got violent, she is now in her room and i am sat downstairs crying and feel unable to go on anymore, i cant go through this everyday, i fear that she is going to take control of my life and i am going to become scared of her. I have thought about taking my life to end all the pain i am going through with the situation as i cant see a way out of it. I cant send her to stay with anyone as i have no family near me and her father does not want to know her so this is out of the question. I have tried punishment for her violent outbursts but this does not make any difference. I really am at a loss to what i can do next