D refused to go to school again today. She stayed in her room all day, mostly sleeping. Her room is in such a bad state, I'm amazed she can get in there. She's back to being sullen and disrespectful. And after running up a £300 mobile phone bill last month, I was stupid enough to give her one last chance to prove she could be trusted, and she's gone over her contract minutes again. I said at the time if she did it, I would have to take the phone away. We've already pretty much had to cancel Christmas because of the last bill. But how do I get the phone of a 15 year old who is taller and stronger than me and has a mean streak a mile wide. In the last few weeks she has thrown a glass of juice in my face, hit me around the head so hard I saw stars, and picked up a storage unit and thrown it across my room. This is the child school expects me to drag into lessons.

And all she says is, i'm always having a go at her. Well why shouldn't I? It's not reasonable behaviour is it?

Oh Allie-it is so hard to know with SR kids-what is just naughty and what is anxiety and neither excusable if they start attaching. I talked to my son about anger management and he said he thought he needed it. Since he has recognised this,however, he has been much better. I have talked to him about taking a few deep breaths or distraction and remind him of this if he starts and I make sure I walk away and tell him I will deal with it when he is civil again. Important to remove ourselves from potential harm or swearing.

It might not improve until your daughter gets the help she needs. CBT could help with both anxiety and anger. Can you ignore an outburst and then wait till she has calmed down and have a good calm talk about how you are trying to understand how she feels but you are hurting too? She might say 'good' but she has at least heard your words.

My son also said for awhile that I was always having a go at him and I was. It was my own frustration and I hadn't realised it. But I found myself yelling sometimes in a way that was also just way over the top but I felt so annoyed. I am sure the neighbours thought 'here she goes again!"
I had to accept where he was and also start doing things for myself(I do art). We loose something of our soul in all this if we are not careful and then become angry all the time back. Sorry - probably not helping but just explaining that I have been in a similar position and now we are mostly ok so I am sure as help comes your way and you praise the small things - it will improve. And in regards to the phone - seems a few parents of girls especially go through that so it is probably typical teenage behaviour The only good thing is it means she is still communicating with others. Can you ask her to earn back the phone by doing chores around the house? Tis tricky and I feel for you. I think it is enough just dealing with SR let alone behaviour issues. I am sure it will improve for you.
Linda

sounds awful - the psychiatrist explained things in an interesting way

severe anxiety is like severe pain - people will do anything to avoid it as its so awful

I hope she gets help with her anxiety/anger and you get help to cope with it

Allie,

I hear you - I work with strapping teenagers! Have you looked into her hormone levels with the GP? I only ask because when I used to take the pill, honest to goodness I don't know how I didn't kill someone some months. If I remember correctly, my progesterone levels were dropping too low. It meant that I literally could feel my blood boiling. I knew I was ranting over nothing but couldn't stop it. I went to see the GP saying that I could fully understand how women have killed people with the excuse of PMT! I very nearly did my eldest physical harm one day when she just pushed the wrong buttons. He changed my pill and hey presto, nothing like the same hormonal meltdown. Might be worth considering asking a GP and/or recording incidences to see if there is a monthly pattern.

Allie,
I found my son's room was a true reflection of his state of mind.It was hard to witness. We have had broken a T.V.,photos of him being pulled of the wall. Again it is to reassure our kids that we are there for them ,keeping them and us as safe as we can we they are going through a meltdown. At the same time ,as Linda has said, telling them we will talk with them when they are civil and have calmed down. ( My son had to save up his money to replace the broken T.V.) With regards to the phone contract.....are you able to contact the provider to see if they can put a cap on it? ....is it near the end of the contract that you could change to a pay as you go ?
Take care ,
Lindy x