all the people here are parents...so i thought a child's perspective was needed. lots of people on here have talked about not understanding their kids very well so i thought maybe i could help. i am a teenage school refuser in the uk. i recently found this website and thought that maybe i could offer an insight into how the children actually feel. so...you know...if you have any question, i might understand better than others

Hi Amy,

I am so glad you found the site! And yes it would be good to hear from your perspective. When did you first feel unable to go to school? Was it something specific do you think that set it off (either at school or outside school?) or is it more just an overwhelming anxiety at the thought of going to school? Do you have anxiety do you think with others things as well? What is the best thing a parent can do?
This must be so hard for you. My heart goes out to anyone who has SR - but there are things that can help you - so I do hope that you are getting help. You can ask us on here about the kinds of help that we have felt works to gain confidence back. You are not alone.
Looking forward to hearing from you again,
Linda

Hi Amy,
Thanks for sharing with us
We all just want our kids to be happy and to be able to cope with their anxieties the best way they can, so any insight would be more than welcome!
Take care,
Lindy x

Hi Amy

Welcome to our forum, we have so many questions, my main ones are, how old are you? My son is 16 and has now left school, but has been unable to go to college, if you've left school, did you go to college and what are you doing now? Hope you don't mind all these questions.

Take care
Dorothy x

Amy - well done you. My son has out a couple of posts on here, but not sure he could answer questions so it is so useful to have you here. As a parent i have accepted that my son is a SR but it took me a oong time to get here. How long have you been refusing, and again what can we do as parents to support our children.

Once again thank you and take care.

Sarah xx

yay...glad i can help some people in some way
I'm 14, in year 9 and my problems started in year 7. I don't know what set it off for me, it was a completely new thing and a completely new feeling. For me it's mainly general anxiety about everything. It comes and goes, but is usually there. School is the worst because school is the bit I have to do. I know I have to do it, so it's really annoying when that's all people tell me. That's what I get so much, just "sort yourself out and go, just try harder". And that's really bad because all I do is try. I get up and put on school uniform and then going out the door is too much. The school don't let me do half days so if I have to go in I have to spend the whole day there. So then it's a choice of spend six hours in the worst place on earth or at home where everything and everyone makes sense and everything is so much better. One of the worst things is going back to a lesson I've missed a lot of and people going "you're in THIS class? Are you sure??" and I just want to cry. I've got exams at the moment and I'm alright with exams for some reason. I prefer that environment anyway with everyone sitting apart and total silence. I prefer working on my own with no help from people who don't want to help anyway. School mentors and counsellors only do it because they're paid to. They don't actually care. All the school cares about is attendance and not how I actually feel. I never had any type of anxiety at all before secondary school. I've always been a 'worrier' but never to this extent. My main worry is that no one will be there when I get home, or they'll leave and not come back. I don't like to leave my mum at all in case she disappears when I'm not there, which is I think partly why I have problems with leaving her for six hours a day. I've had lots of anxieties and fears since year 7 though, stuff like not wanting to go out on my own or not go out at all.
Anyway, really sorry this was so so long, just had some stuff to get off my chest. It's easier to write this than to say it because it's just like talking to my computer screen. You're not like REAL people right now to me, just text and usernames. Also, Linda asked what's the best thing a parent can do. That is a hard question because I want to say just let the kid stay home, but I don't know the answer really. All you can do is think about how you felt at the most scared/paranoid/anxious time in your life, then times it by a hundred and imagine having that six hours a day, five days a week for eleven years.
xxx

Hi Amy,

Good to hear your story. I am sorry it is just so hard for you. My son's story sounds very similar. He is home today - just couldn't face going out the door. I try to get him there but sometimes it is just too much for me to keep trying. But he knows when he goes back it is harder as he has to catch up with what is happening in the class as well as what friends have talked about or done. It is a vicious circle in some respects.
When you are at school - so you feel a bit better than how it feels trying to get out the door? Is it the unpredictable nature of school - never sure what will happen or what you will do?
Are you getting help at the moment from a psychologist or other support of some kind? How are your parents coping?
Linda

Amy sweetheart, I cried when I read your message, cried for you, cried for myself and cried for my son, you sound so much like my son, he once told me that he was scared to leave me incase something happened to me, he also used to get ready for school but couldn't get out the door, he struggled to go to his one to one tuition, but managed to go sit his exam's with no problems, why do you think this was manageable? We are real people and our children are suffering the same as you, please don't ever feel alone or that your going through this alone, you will always find some one here to listen to you, some one you can talk to, we as parents struggle so hard to cope with this, we are supposed to protect our children, keep them safe, but we can't fix this, and this is what tear's me apart, all we can do is be there, supporting, believing and loving our children.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, you keep strong.

Take care
Dorothy x