Hi

I just I wanted to share something I felt last night. We had the year 7 information night for students and parents. My son didn't want to go but with my ex coming along it helped. He was uptight during the whole thing but I was so proud of him. The hall was full - there will be over 200 Year 7s next year. But he was there! He has made it through 7 years of school refusal and he is still coping (even if only just sometimes!).

I talked to him afterwards about how proud I was that he sat there and listened whilst other kids with their parents seemed extra restless and took out mobile phones to play!!! I told him how proud I was that he had gone and that he had made it to the end of Primary school despite the extra barriers he has to face and that he hadn't had to repeat any year level or failed anything.

He found a couple of his friends amongst the crowd and his face lit up. When we got home we talked about next year and I explained how far he had come and reminded him that I accepted his anxiety completely and was always there for him and that his father had also accepted this. I explained that going to school would obviously be important and easier but that if that didn't work out - there were other alternatives. I explained that once he missed too much school it would get really difficult so our aim together would be to try and keep going to school and deal with each day as it comes. He accepted this.

He said he thought he'd find the holidays difficult as he'd be thinking of school starting. I told him about mindfulness meditation that brings you back to the moment and thought him and I might do some of this together. This was the first time he has shown an interest in how to do this.

Anyway - just wanted to share with you where we are at after such a long road already. I have had some terribly tough, despairing times. I have seen my son cry tears (and me) that I thought were not possible, I have seen anger (from both of us), we have been from psychologist to psychologist and then to a psychiatrist...and finally some help. So for all of you starting to struggle - it takes time....and seems like an enormous mountain in front of you but acceptance is vital and then the mountain slowly gets smaller. I don't have all the answers as we go through good and bad patches still but I think that is just the nature of things. For us it might stay the same, get better or get worse. I hope I am now more prepared to accept any of these - but I know if it gets worse my understanding and state of mind will be severely tested.
What I have learnt is 1) 'acceptance' of the anxiety is vital and letting them know we do understand - and meaning it (or at least say we are trying to understand) 2) recognise the small steps 3) praise and enjoy our children in any moment we can so that school doesn't take over all our lives. 4) school education isn't everything 5) cognitive behaviour is an important tool for anyone with anxiety.

Thanks for listening! I hope that things get better for some of you that are having a really tough time. The rules for school attendance in the UK need changing! I have not found out what happens here but I do know that there is no threat of court. My heart goes out to those of you who are not only suffering from the School Refusal but are also getting hit by the authorities.
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi Linda - that is great news and well done all of you. I have to agree that acceptance the way forward for parents, unless we accept our childern are different from others, and not always in a bad way then we can move forward. As you know we are now 4 years down the line and seen some tough times to say the least, and yes in some ways it did slightly damaged my relationship with my son in the early times, but we have grown stronger together and that is the main thing.

We had a bit of good news - well small steps forward earlier in the week. My SR said his toe hurt - but was very reluctant to show me, because it meant "the doctors" When i did eventually get to see it the toe was very swollen and obviously infected so yes off we went. Sitting in the waiting room "with ill people there" was a bit tense to say the least so i was very pleased not to have to wait too long. M was very nervous talking to the GP ( not our usual one ) as i think he thought they would say he had a terrible illness and that his toe would be cut off or something - no amount of reassurance from me helped at all. After 2 minutes yes he had an infected toe, antibiotics there you go thank you !! The look of relief on his face when we came out was incredible, but yes another battle won.

One thing M did say to me was - if he is nervous please Mum don't talk about everything else under the sun to distract me, talk to me about what is happening here and now !!

Love to all

Sarah xx

hi linda
well done to your son and well done to you.
best wishes
jennifer

Hi all,
It is a privilege to share in the happy moments of your lives . Linda....I can just imagine seeing your face glowing with pride and Sarah .....isn't it great when our kids are strong enough to share with us how they would like us to react in certain situations.They are our teachers in SR.
As always take care,
Lindy x