My son refused to go in yesterday and then tells me it was because he didn't want to do certain subjects as he hates the teachers. Then last night he started getting all worked up about today and said he didn't want to go. Turns out he is still worried the teacher who wanted him to do the presentation to the class in sign language (who never rang me back after I left a message asking that it not go ahead) might still ask him to do it. He has begged me to pick him up at lunch time to avoid this.

What do I do? I want him to go to school. So I have entered into this deal but can't help thinking I am not helping him at all to build up his resilience. In this case, however, the resilience would just hopefully be to get through the day and perhaps not be asked to do the presentation and realise that it was just a 'what if' on his part. But...now I have a 'what if'...the teacher does ask him to do it?
It seems with SR kids we are often caught int the middle of wanting to expose them to situations so they know they can cope but being let down by the 'system' and not knowing if our child's day will in fact not be faced with something we know they cannot cope with. Should we enter into deals? But if I don't then he won't go to school at all. I am just a bit tired of two days in a row (and last Friday) of this 'avoidance' behaviour. He says he hates this time of year as he never quite knows what is happening (for us it is the end of the year run down to christmas...reports are already written and so the school day is not as predictable). He has also refused to go to two of the activities they have coming up. One is an adventure playground in the tree tops! As he is afraid of heights then I have no issue with allowing him to avoid that kind of thing.

Sorry - I am just a bit confused as to whether I am doing him any favours by allowing this latest specific avoidance behaviour. Usually the avoidance is more general and he can't quite put his finger on it.
Hope everyone else is going ok.
Linda

Hi Linda

I am afraid i do or have taken the deal route as i have found that if i didn't then we would go even further back. If your choice is no school at all or going in for half a day i would take the half day. I know it sounds as though i have taken the easy route, but this is far from the truth as if M had ended up doing something like a presentation then he would never have gone back - well he didn't that's what happened so remember small steps and one day at a time.

You must do what is best for the two of you, but if you do go for the easier option don't beat yourself up about it. Sarah xx

Linda

I agree with Sarah, we also made lots of deals over the years.

Take care
Dorothy x

Thanks for your support Sarah and Dorothy. I think I was about to beat myself up about it. It is that guilt thing, isn't it. If only everyone understood, we wouldn't have to go through this. He went off to school but almost didn't - he started to say he just couldn't do today ("What if they ask me to do it in the morning?") but I managed to just whisk out the door and go. So I feel a bit better about picking him up half way through as you are right , he just wouldn't have got there at all otherwise. I know his father wouldn't understand so my guilt is partly based on that and not telling him and also the school. I also feel guilty making up an excuse about why I am picking him up. He suggested the dentist ....so we went with that. Then I wonder what it teaches my son about the truth!! Oh well.....happy he has gone so won't dwell on it.
When I write notices for him being absent, these days I just write 'he was unwell' as I know that is the truth anyway - as it is mentally unwell. I just have to get a better grasp on deals and not feeling guilty about his SR issues. Generally I manage ok these days but it niggles away at me and I find myself, like eveyone else, feeling quite drained.
Thanks again,
Linda

I have been trying to identify the times when my son has had positive experiences in environments outside the home. His best experience was attending a weekend residential board games convention with his father, where he was able to play high-level board games all weekend with adults who simply accepted him as just another player.

I am considering sending him on a PGL residential course about creating your own video games using software at the camp. I think he would love the activity, but I'm not confident that he would thrive in the camp atmosphere.

Linda - i think you did exactly the right thing, so well done to you both. No one understands like another SR parent which is a shame but we all support you.

Sasha what an excellent idea, my son produces games and loves it, but he wouldn't be able to handle a residential unfortuantley.

Good luck to you both.

Sarah xx

Thanks Sarah, Sasha.
My son also can't make it on camps of any kind so unfortunately that would be a huge leap for him. I just can't quite think of small steps for him to build up his resiliance and yet it was only this year he was a member of a soccer team (but he pulled out half way through due to his anxiety). So hard to know if there is something that will keep building on the confidence and not knock them over at the same time!

Last night my son was going on again about not wanting to go this morning. It is early yet - but I have that hard knot in my stomach! I have already talked to him about a couple of days he will be having off due to school activities that he can't face. Now he is complaining he doesn't have any 'real' friends. I am not sure what he expects from his friends or if he isn't putting in to making them work or if being away has had a huge impact but he does have friends but they seem not to be always loyal. He is desperate to find someone who hangs out with him no matter what.

Anyway - we plough on. Only two and a half weeks of school but last night in his negative state my son said he did not want the holidays to come because then it took him closer to secondary school. I can see I will need to build my strength over the the christmas period!!
Good luck to everyone else.
Linda

To my surprise M went to school happily on Tuesday but came home with a litany of woes and tears. I made a deal with him last night that he would work at home until morning break this morning and then I would take him in. It worked well, he got to sleep easily and woke up dry (not common). He cooperated with the work I set him and was fine about going in at 10.30.

re friends: I told him that if he didn't suggest someone he would like to invite back to play then I would choose for him. He is year 6, so his friends are young enough to have their social lives managed by their mothers. He named a boy in his class, which I thought was a good step forward becuase at his last school he didn't want anyone to come over for the last two terms (he moved to this school after Easter this year.)