Well, we haven't had the best start to the year. Had a great Christmas and New Year and i actually thought this is it, the last fence and we are on the home run - NOT !!
I had nearly 2 weeks off over the Christmas break, only having to pop into the office for the odd hour or two and managed to work from home. Obviously his borther was also off school, so lots of x box, dvd's games and laugher, and very little falling out between the two of them.

His brother went back to school on Tuesday, and home tuition was to start again Wednesday, but early hours of Wednesday morning i was woken up to him saying it was all a waste of time, he wasn't learning anything and what was the point !! We have had this a few times but on the whole he has managed to get himself over it and battle on. He was absolutley adament that he wasn't going to have a lesson and that everything was going against him - the anxiety had really taken a hold. We managed to get him to sleep at i don't know what time, and he wake up with what looked like chicken pox !! He isn't ill and the doctor thinks it an allergy and given him some cream and not concerned - I had cancelled the tutor as it wasn't right he came, and have done the same today, but not sure if i have done the right thing. He is at college tomorrow and has said that is also a waste of time as he is the only one who tries and who cares if he does well !! I have always supported him with all his work so where has all this come from ? I think that its trying to adjust to routine again and he feels lonely. He says he has no friends and that the ones he has only want him when they have no one else, but he has to realise that he too needs to make a effort. The anxieties are a problem, but i also think he is getting depressed and that is a seperate issue. We sat and talked last night, but what ever i said he turned it around, there was no no reasoning with him at all - we haven't been like that for a while now.

I think it is such as shame as he only has 5 months left of his education, and have 2 holidays within that time so im not sure where we go from here.

Apologies for ranting, but im not good at the moment, think lack of sleep is the problem and worrying about my little man.

Thanks for listening

Sar xx

Big hugs coming your way Sarah,
We too have had a good Christmas with my son even getting out over some of the days and yes plenty of xbox and laughter.
If your son has taken a skin allergy he will be feeling miserable all over and that would have kept him awake along with his thoughts. Remember if he was in his old school if you'd phoned to say that he'd come out in a rash the school would have advised you to keep him off school. Same goes here Sarah. For him, it may be that yes it is the home run but he can see that there's still a few hurdles for him to overcome to reach that goal.(Perhaps even the thought of doing the exams in his old school)
Don't judge yourself ...you are a great mum! Your wee son has had a lot to deal with and both of you need to be proud of what he has achieved for himself so far .
With regarding your thoughts about depression, is your son on anything ...medication or therapy? ...unless this is dealt with his feelings of hopelessness will be hard to shift .
So let him get over this allergic reaction....maybe oral piriton might be another option if the cream isn't effective... and then re evaluate his mood then. Don't worry about tomorrow just focus on getting through today!
As always take care, love Lindy x

Thank you Lindy - yes he has an allergy but he is well in himself and to be fair it has got so much better.

He is on betablockers for his panic attacks and has reduced his dose form 80mg to 20 mgs per day. I did ask him if he thought he needed to up his dose but he doesn't think it has made a difference.

With regards to the depression, he is really down, more so than anxious and doesn't think there is anything to look forward to.
I have offered just about everything i can think of to gethim out of the house but the answer is still no.

I am getting really down about it now as i am not sure what to do next.

Sar xx

HI Sarah, is there anyway i could phone you??
Lindy x

I will e mail you my number - Sarah xx

Hi Sarah,

I certainly feel for you in this situation. It must be so hard. Perhaps knowing it is he last 5 months is actually a lot of pressure and he already feels he wants it over. After holidays it is always harder, as you know. Just take one day at a time.
I wonder if the allergy is anxiety related? My son occasionally comes out in a rash and there is not explanation from the doctor but he concluded it might be anxiety related. He was usually well otherwise. If so - it will clear up.

You are a great mum and doing all the right things. His negative thoughts you have heard before but as you are also moving ahead with him then it is hard to see him take that step backwards. Is there any cognitive behaviour therapy you can try working through with him? Trying to not talk things over with him but point out it is the negatives speaking etc. I know that doesn't always work either and how hard it is when they won't see things rationally.
Take care and I do so much hope that one day at a time sees things improving.
Thinking of you,
Linda xx

Thanks Linda - the CBT starts again next week, but we really have taken 25 steps back this time. He hasn't gone to college today and i have called them and have a meeting at 12 today, the problem is after this week his tutor is away for 2 weeks so there is a replacement lady - the tutor knows the 3 other pupils my son is with are "hard work" but thinks the new tutor will cope with the challenges. My son is absolutley terrfified and i feel that the new tutor will help - so to this end i did say that he didn't have to go for those weeks as at the time felt it would have a negative impact. But he hasn't gone today either !! Im not sure if the huge reduction in his meds have had any effect so will be off to the GP again on Monday - I think we need to treat the depression.

My sons wellbeing is the most imortant thing, and feel we may have a bit of a battle over the next few weeks with the authorities !!

Lindy - thank you so much for ringing last night, it was so lovely to chat to you and to know where i am at the moment.

Anyway onwards and upward.

Love to all

Sar xx

Hi Sarah,

How did the meeting go at 12? Perhaps he wasn't quite ready to reduce the meds. Hard to know, isn;t it. And his comment to you re this sounds typical re any kind of help - they can't seem to see what things do when they are doing good.
I do hope things start improving and you start taking some steps forward again. With luck it won't have been 25 steps back but just a blip due to the changes that he just couldn't face. Take care and stay strong in these trying times! You have been such a good support to so many on here - just wish I could help you more too!
Best wishes,
Linda xx

Hi Sarah,
At the meeting would it be possible to discuss work that could be done at home during that fortnight with the possibility of your son emailing it to the new tutor without having to see her?
Changes of any kind are hard for our kids to deal with, especially since your son has built up a good rapport with the tutor he's got.
Remind the tutor that you will be attending your GP on Monday with your concerns re: depression and that your son's mental health is your priority at the moment.
You will be in my thoughts at 12.

Linda, you are very much here for all of us . Geographical distance does not apply!! Thanks for your support.

Take care,
Love Lindy x

HI - The meeting at 12 is with the most lovely of guys - he is also a friend. He understands my son totally and has tried to shield him whilst he is at college a right mother hen !!

Linda - it's not time yet only 10.50am here but i will let you know how i go on.

Was very strong earlier but now i am in bits -

Sar xx

sorry to read all of this - hope the meeting went well

thinking of you

Sarah - I was a bit ahead of myself in asking how it went but I would have been in bed by then! But you will have had the meeting now. How was it?
Hope you are feeling a bit stronger tonight.
Linda xx

Hi - well just couldnt post yesterday bit everwhelmed really. Tutor fab as usual and he read out M's report that is due to be out at the end of the month which was "an outstanding student", and also show me what M had written:
"I really enjoy being here, i don't feel different and i am accepted no matter what - really looking forward to the new term after the Christmas break"

So there you go - what can i say? the panic has really started to set in now with me, and i feel that all the work we have put in over the past 4 years has vanished. I do think that we need to treat the depression rather than the anxiety here, and believe me i know how he feels !!

I know small steps again for both of us - and of course i will pick myself up and start again and continue to support him - i love him with all my heart.

S x

Hoping you can both take small steps and that you feel a bit stronger soon, Sarah. Seems it has knocked you flat - very understandable considering where you had come and what you have been through. Take care and take some deep breaths. One day at a time...
Thinking of you,
Linda xx

Again thank you for your support, and i know what i have to do, but i do feel a little deflated just now. I just want to get my son into a safe and happy place again, and the education can wait - half of me thinks i should let him leave education at Easter and not take any exams, but then i think of all the hard work he has put in. This part is very selfish but i am going to say it anyway in the hope you understand :: Part of me is worried that i will get into trouble about his non attendance with his tutor as well - is that really bad ? As you know i have fought and supported M for over 4 years and i really don't know if i have the fight the authorities anymore, the support for him and his anxieties is unconditional and always will be, i will not rest until he is a confident and happy young man.

I hope you understand where i am coming from

Sarah xx

hi Sarah,

I certainly understand. This is what you have already faced so much in regard to what is expected/required of you as a parent and a member of society and what you feel is best for your son's well being - and the two just seem to conflict when it comes to SR kids.
I can imagine how torn you feel though - as the exams would be something he could look back on as having achieved due to the hard work he put in despite SR but exams and education are not everything as he is bright. He might find he takes quite a few different roads than others in the future due to not having pieces of paper but I am sure they will all be worthwhile roads.

You will probably get a better picture in the next two weeks regarding what can or cannot be achieved on yours and his behalf. So give yourself some time to reflect on whether small steps can be taken again or not.
Remember, you have been through some really tough times before - so you can cope. It might not feel like it now - but you are a strong mum inside and will ride the waves no matter what decisions you and your son decide to make.
Good luck and take care -
Linda xx

I know Linda - and i am sure i will weather the storm. We have had a very long evening talking tonight, and he has finally realised or finally admitted that he has let his friends go, he still had a couple but they tend to talk on x box. He reopened his facebook account and sat looking at it in the hope someone would chat - but to no avail which was heart breaking to watch. What i tried to explain was that he now has to make the effort, just send a couple of friends from school a message and he will soon get into conversation and see where that takes him, but he had an excuse for every person on line why he didn't want to talk to them - its like he doesnt want to help himself which is very frustrating.

I really didnt think we would take so many steps back.

How many of the SR on here are struggling with friendships? are any of your children friendless?

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, and if i can get M to go to bed before 4am then i will count myself lucky.

Let hope the GP can wave a magic wand tomorrow.

So sorry for being so negative but i really really need your support now more than ever.

S x

HI Sarah,

I recognise that attitude re friends. I frequently hear it from my son. He has every excuse why he doesn't want to see them in the holidays etc. I do not know what he is hiding from. A couple of friends contact him via skype but if he doesn't reciprocate then that will probably stop. So I do know how you feel and how easy it is for them to go from friends to non if they don't put in the effort. But they don't want to hear that. It is frustrating, isn't it. And the not going to bed/sleep -my son being younger, isn't quite at the 4am stage but i can see the pattern heading that way. It is such a struggle to get him to bed before 11pm and then he is wide awake and gets so frustrated because he can't sleep. And tis impacts on the anxiety next day. It is a vicious circle for them, isn't it.

How is your son with his eating habits? Mine is eating very little these days which is a worry. I think with anxiety you can either go down the little food road or the food for comfort road. Neither helping!
Hoping you can distance yourself just a wee bit from the emotional situation you are in right now and find something that makes you feel more positive.
We are here any time to help where we can. Let us know how the doctor appointment goes.
Take care,
Linda xx
PS Does this mean you end up staying up till 4am as well? This must really be dragging you both down too. Perhaps the doctor can recommend what to try? Was it your son who was trying melatonin?

Hi Linda - no it wasn't my son on melatonin he is on betablockers for the panic attacks, but only 20mg per day now.

Well, slight change from last night, couple of friends did message him on facebook and in a positive way, so that has lifted his mood no end - just hope it the begining of new friendships. One was a girl who had previously had a terrible time at school with bullies and they had actually put her in hospital, she has become a much stronger person since bless her and he is keen to meet up and chat as he thinks she will understand him. Another lad was one who befriended him when he went back to school after 12 months off - lovely lad. We managed to get to bed about 2.45, buti have to say i did have a snooze in the early hours, but by 2.45 i did make him go to bed. His appetite is not good, he picks at food and would rather have a bowl of cereal than a cooked dinner.

He did agree to see his tutor again this week, so if he sticks to that then i will be delighted, but i think i will stay at home those 2 half days so he knows i am there.

Thanks again for the support, but feel i am on the rollercoaster for a while yet.

Sar x

That is good news, Sarah. I hope they stay in touch.
Someone else on here was using melatonin- perhaps it was Sophy some time back? It seemed to help with sleep.
Every day is a new day and a new beginning...
Take care
Linda