Hi,
I am 32 now but at 12 was developed 'school phobia'. Today I have found out that it is no longer called that, this I am happy about. I have also found out that so much more is known about school refusal and so much more support is out there, than when I was a kid.
My parents were threatened with prison and court, if they didn't get me to school. I was thrown into a behavioural support school with kids who'd been expelled. They couldn't figure me out there. I didn't fit. My parents were told I was lazy and would amount to nothing. Years of hell for all of us. It all did nothing for my self-esteem. No-one believed in me and all lost hope, even me.
Yet now at 32 I have a wonderful family of my own. I have studied through OU, social sciences, I have gained a hnd in fine art, as a mature student, and, when my youngest goes to nursery I shall go back to uni, complete my degree and then hopefully do a masters in art therapy. I like being a student as an adult because I am expected to be and treated like an adult. Which is all I wanted as a child, in a learning environment.
I could go on but fear that I may start to come across preachy.
I am very happy to answer questions though and will try my best to help from my perspective, an adult who refused school. Hope I can be of use to you

Hi Clare,

It is very good to hear your story - thank you so much for sharing with us on here. It is helpful to know what happens as our children grow older. It seems there is still not a lot known about it but there is more support than when you were growing up. Apart from being treated like an adult - do you remember anything else that helped when you were a child? Did you have any other anxiety outside of the school issue? It is nice to know that our kids might all get there in the end even if we all have to go through a difficult time.
Linda xx

Hi Linda,
In answer to your questions...
Things that helped when I was a child....
I don't think there is anything that did help me go to school.
Yet there were things that helped me feel better about my life and who I was.
At times when all pressure, to go to school, was taken off me, it felt like I could breathe again. Relax and come out of this constant state of fight, flight or freeze. That was exhausting!

A good night's sleep, which I rarely achieved as my mind would be very active into the am. I couldn't switch off.

I loved the theartre, all aspects, so went to a youth theartre group every Saturday. I lived for my Saturdays :) it was a confidence builder and kept me mixing with my peers but more like minded ones.

I had a severe thirst for knowledge and read all sorts fact and fiction. Watched documentaries on anything and everything (still do).
Constant mental stimulation from self led learning stopped boredom. I could get bored very quickly. Often once I had figured out I could do something. I needed to feel challenged mentally.

When I was able to express myself as creative and different. I still have bright red hair at times and wear shiny red docs :) Not because I wanted to rebel of seek attention. But because it made me happy, I found it fun and still do. I never understood the pressure, from peers and school, to conform and be the same as each other. It felt unnatural and I much prefered to celebrate and accept difference.

Sadly I find it hard to think of anything else that helped me. I don't think anything would have got me too school. Unless I was offered a place with mature students on a further education course of study. I would have loved that.

Anxieties outside of school....
A severe phobia of spiders due to one landing on my shoulder, as a small kid, me trying to brush it off, it running up the other arm, this continued until I was shaking and hyperventilating.
I have recently discovered I may have trauma imprints from one of my parents undealt with trauma.
I had a fear of being alone at night which started when tiny and unable to sleep because I was worrying about being an adult and not knowing how to pay bills, or the universe and how it never ends, or the concept of god (my parents brought me up in a religion) and how it didn't make sense to me. I suffered with insomnia terribly and still do sometimes. Although motherhood had helped that one

I do think that being a sensitive and anxious person made school difficult for me. At the same time I am also aware that, as a child, I saw the school system as an extremely unnatural environment. All students as numbers churned out onto a one-size-fits-all conveyer belt. I wanted to live life first and then find the career for me. When asked 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' I would reply with the obligatory 'a ballerina' when what I really wanted to say was ' I shall tell you when I am one because until then, I don't know.' I find it interesting quite how many students drop of the end of the conveyer belt with a degree in something they chose to study before they had really lived much of a life and then do nothing with it or get stuck in career that they are unhappy with.

Sorry if I rambled there. Feel free to continue with the questions

hi Clare,

It is all helpful to know how individuals have coped through anxiety.
Did you feel also that you were over thinking things? Was the desire to study with adults a reflection on you getting along better with adults or that you just thought the school work was below you? Sorry for so many questions!
It seems that every person is different but there are in fact some similarities along the road. On the journey with my son I am learning an awful lot about the psychology and neurological aspects of the brain!

Have you ever read the book ' The brain that heals itself' or seen the DVDs (the one about the 'mind' is particular of interest with anxiety). They believe that we can re-wire our brain. This is where cognitive behaviour therapy comes in but needs to be fairly specific in regard to giving the brain exercises.
Linda
PS Are you in the UK or are you staying up late?!!

Hi Claire

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences it is really helpful to us SR parents, and to br fair it made me cry. I do so want to make everything right for my son but feel helpless at times to help and understand what is going on in his mind. As a mother how would you deal with school refusal if one of your children suffered ?

Once again Claire thank you so much and please stay in touch

Sar xx

thank you clare,

I too cried when I read your post. As sarah says, we just want to help our children and don't know how...

Sophy

I really don't mind all the questions. It's refreshing! All I got as a kid at the mention of school phobia was screwed up noses and disbelief. It's nice too know there are people out there who are working towards trying to understand. I still don't completely understand it myself, which is why talking with people, such as yourselves, is good for me also.

Linda,

As for over thinking things. I have always done it. I can imagine all sorts of possibilities. I jump from tangent to tangent with tenuous links. I make things far more complicated than they need to be.

I never thought school work was below me. I found it fascinating and stimulating. The work I loved. It was the environment and structure of the day I hated. Some of the rules and the authoritarian applications of them. The chaos in the corriadors. Getting that close to strangers has always made me feel horrendous. The pushing n shoving. It was like an over packed zoo. I am reminded of the scene in the film Mean Girls, when a once home schooled girl, goes to the mall and all the other kids start leaping around like apes in a zoo. I laughed so hard when I saw that.

I didn't desire to study with adults, I just know now, as an adult who has been in a mature learning environment, it would've suited me perfectly. When adults get together to learn there is no shame in speaking up, answering questions correctly, debating eloquently, enjoying studies, listening quietly etc etc. They are all there because they have chosen to be there to learn. The different attitude creates the best learning environment. In school its the opposite. The children are there because they have to be. You are made to feel ashamed for being different, ashamed for speaking to teachers with interest and respect, ashamed for wanting to learn, you can't confront them when they are loud and disruptive as you then become a target. It's all about not becoming a target for the judgements and hassle from your peers but also not wanting to go against being yourself and doing what you enjoy and feel is right for you. Sitting in a class at school I felt I couldn't express myself and be me but by not doing so I was being beaten by my peers. I felt like I had to sit and exsist in a no-space, it was like a purgatory (sounds dramatic, sorry).

I haven't read the book you mention but shall look it up now. I saw psychologists when I was younger but found them no use. I think things have come along way since then though. I feel that CBT would have done wonders for my self esteem, as a kid. I can't imagine it would have got me to school though Yet it may have stopped me from going down the destructive path, that I did, in my late teens and early twenties.

I am in the UK

Hi Sarah,
I didn't expect my message to you touch people in such an emotional way. That's amazing and to be honest has made me cry too.

I am hoping my experiences can help. If all I went through can be turned into a positive and used to help others then what I and my parents went through wasn't for nothing.

If one of my children suffered with SR...
It would depend on which one. All being so different! I expect that I would take the pressure away and tell them that I wasn't going to send them to school any longer but they would have to work with me on it, It would mean they would be home tutored. I would find other home schooled children in the local area, as my mum did for my younger brother (SR and yet now has a masters in electro acoustics, has campaigned for political causes, been in bands... Don't think SR stopped him either Heehee), through a group called education otherwise. It was a small local group, they met for swimming once a week. There was a mum who was an artist so she did a small relaxed art lesson in her home, once a week. Great for the mums n dads too, to socialise amongst non-judgemental peers, who accept and respect each others choices and difficult emotional experiences. Plus a lot of the kids were musical and set up their own rock band. It's fascinating quite how many of us were creative types.

Find a subject they are happy studying and can lose themselves in. Then encourage it and indulge in it.

Make them feel listened to and heard. Try not to have an agenda when talk with them about emotional subjects. Don't give advice, ask of they would like your advice or opinion first... After listening lots!

As for doing exam level study. A lot of colleges do GCSE evening courses which tend to attract adults, plus you can where what you like and college tutors have a different manner to them than school teachers. Maybe just try one GCSE. I tried retaking mine (i came away with next to nothing from my behavioural support school) at 18, through college, but found myself lumped in with a bunch a 16 year olds fresh out of school because it was a normal fulltime, daytime study, I dropped out. an evening course would have been better.

Keep their self-esteem up as best I could possibly through CBT or counselling.

Let them know that its ok not knowing things and that people dont mind them asking for help. Even if its just a simple thing like where the toilets are. I worried about the moat simplist of things and they became BIG!

Keep reminding myself that school is not some magic key to unlocking a door to success. Good self-esteem and thinking outside the box will get you just as far. It's ok to have to do things differently, it may take longer but that's ok too... Posssibly even better!

I am currently in therapy for a trauma I experienced in my early twenties. I shall also continue with CBT afterwards. I am doing this for myself but also for my children. I am aware that one of my parents undealt with trauma may possibly have a link to my anxieties. I didn't want the same to happen with my children. Btw I don't blame my parents, I understand they did their best and the are not perfect and I wouldn't want them to be. Plus some people just can't see the how they may benefit from proffessional help. I also am not saying this would be the appropriate for all cases. Some chdren may just be ultra senstive and that is no bad thing, they can develop into wonderfully empathic, caring and insightful adults. I think its more damaging to try and harden those kinds of children.


After saying all this, I would hope that I don't expect to get it all right for them and with them because I am sure I would be sorely dissapointed and suffer terribly with guilt. I would try to be easy on myself and kind to myself over it all. I know, easier said than done when you're a parent

Hope something in that was of use. X

Clare

Mixed emotions when I read your story and yes, I cried too. My son is 16 now and has been a school refuses since 12, he has now left school and I thought his problems would then be solved, sadly it wasn't to be, he had a college place, but was unable to go, he now has a work experience placement but despite looking forward to it has only been able to go a few times, it's now on hold until Monday.

Things changed dramatically in our house when we decided that we weren't going to try and force him to go to school any more, but it took a lot of time and heartache on our part to come to this decision, but it was the right one. We found that the therapy that he received only helped at the time, but didn't last long, we're now not sure where to go next.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.

take care
Dorothy x

Clare
thank you so much for posting.
Many of the things you say relate so perfectly to my daughter (17 and an SR for quite some time).
I need to re-read posts again and digest same, but you have certainly given me some things to think about.
it's wonderful to hear from a person who has SR experience from the childs side (so to speak), as it's usually worried parents who post normally.
regards

martii

Thank you so much Claire, your post are such appreciated as at times i feel as though i have failed my son and is it my fault ? In the early days of refusing i would literally drag him to school and face what i realise now was an horrific expereince for him, but i dod what i thought was right - the school told me he had to go it was the law. Fortunately this only lasted a very short period of time, and i quickly get help from a wonderful school psycologist who pointed me in the right direction. Oh i wish i was stronger in those early days and know what i know now - i would have stood up to everyone - as Im not ashamed of my son, far from it, he is a wonderful human being - go to go as tears are just rolling down my face and i have a meeting in a while - so confident happy face on - if only they knew !!

Sarah xx

Wow so good to hear of a success story. I'm crying too as I read all the replies and your post of doing so well and having a lovely family now. It gives me hope for the future for my wonderful daughter and also reassured me that it is not my fault, or indeed hers, and that yes I was right to let her stay at home. I wish there was more education about this subject as I have felt so alone during the process and that everyone has blamed me for not being able to make her go to school. It has given me the strength I needed to carry on and support her, thank you so much xxx

Dorothy,
It took me many years to find a job I could stick out. It helped that it was bar work (not the greatest of jobs but better than nothing and did wonders for confidence) I think that the hours suited me, it was in a nightclub at weeks and a pub during the week. The late night's were just right for me and my insomnia. It was also such a busy physical job, I had no time to stop and think or worry. Plus conversation with customers was at a minimum due to noise, so I felt very comfortable.
One job I had after this involved sitting all day in a very quiet market with only my head for company. I went downhill rapidly in that job, I really think something active and busy so there is no time to panic works.
Also in my first job I had a friend working there already and had been a customer in the venue for a few years. It was a home from home. That familiarity eased me into it too.

I wish you and your son all the best for Monday but in the meantime have a lovely weekend.

Sarah,
You sound like a great mum too me. You obviously love your son very much. You sound just like my own mum, the way you talk about your early experiences with your son and SR. My mum was really tough on me for a long time, it took her a long while to start standing up and being heard. To go in the right direction. In fact I used to be very jealous of my little brother because she dealt with his SR brilliantly, got him involved in all sorts of activities, home school etc. I guess she was naive to it all with me, on top of that, being ruled by fear by the schools and authorities.

She was saying only yesterday that, at a behavioural support school conference, for teachers, parents etc, about school phobia (as it was then), all the people there new so little she ended up standing up and speaking (not like my mum normally). She got told afterwards she should write a book about her knowledge and experience. It meant a lot to her but also made her realise who the real experts are on these things and why. She lived with it day in day out!
I think most people go through a stage of blaming their parents, especially as a teenager. I don't know many people who haven't got past that and reached the understanding that our parents are only human, they make mistakes and sometimes take a very long time to learn from them but they love us and do their best at the time.

Go easy on yourself x

Hi Sarah
Gosh I can really relate to your message. We have dragged our son to school too. Now that we know what the problem is and he knows that everyone else knows it has got tougher. Mornings are awful, panic,crying, begging, I could go on and on. I have been advised that I need to be firmer with a postive message. I know I don't always get it right, sometimes at my wits end and raise my voice trying to be firm. This does not have a good effect, my son feels worse and starts to tell me he is sorry, phones me at work to do the same. No matter how much I say its okay I understand we are all sorry.I too am not ashamed and I want to make sure that there is more recognition and support.
What type of things helped with the psychologist you saw?
My knowledge is growing and I continue to try any approach that we find helps. This site is so useful and thanks to you all for sharing your stories.
best wishes Dawn

Dawn - I'm sure Sarah will be in touch soon.. but your description sounds like how our house used to be too. When I stopped trying to drag my son the situation became less tense and I found my son started being able to go most days except after illness and then he found it extremely difficult to go back. And believe me too - I have lost my temper in the past in the morning and was surprised at how not having any control over the situation really got to me at that time (and have to try really hard these days!). Getting angry just made the whole thing worse and we'd both end up in each other's arms crying and both saying sorry.

I still have to do the 'firm talk' to see if he is able to ' work through the barrier' as I call it. When he was little we talked about it being a dragon that he had to tame. Sometimes he can work through the barrier. Sometimes he says he thinks he might be able to go in a bit later. I used to initially feel guilty that perhaps I still needed to really push him out that door - but considering the stress levels were reduced and he stopped falling into a depression - then I felt this was the best approach at the time. I am not sure one approach works all of the time! I have adapted my approach several times over the years.
You are certainly not alone in what you have been going through.

My son is not eating much these days which is beginning to worry me too. I think it just shows how the anxiety is still there for him in anticipation of the new school. I say 'lately' but in fact during school terms he found breakfast impossible unfortunately (as that would have helped) and he didn't seem to like eating in front of his friends or ate too slow perhaps so often did not eat his lunch. So by the time he came home he was one grumpy, light headed child! But if you are anxious I guess eating is not as straight forward.
Does your son eat ok? What about others on here?
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi Clare
Thank you for sharing your experience. My son is the same age you were when it all first raised its head. There had been signs before but he kept it well masked. I find your views very useful and as we continue to seek answers and treatment I will continue to keep in touch here. I am likely to turn into your mother shortly when i get the chance to see school next and I agree that those who go through or are part of these experiences are the experts.
So glad to have found you all Dawn

Hi Dawn

The psycologist was wonderful and made me realise that this isn't the end of the world and that it wasn't anything i had done as a parent. He did say that for every 100 school refusers only about 5 were genuine and school phobics. One thing that stook in my mind was he once said that if this is the worst thing that ever happens in my sons life then he is very lucky !!His advise was slow integration and support from family and friends, and forcing him into school was a no no !! He gave me the courage to fight for my son for what is best for him.

Claire - absolutley i love my son with all my heart and i will not settle until i have done everything i can to support him and he is once again a confident young man who can face the world again.

Sarah xx

Hi Clare,
I am totally new to this site but have read most of this thread and lots of it resonates. My 13-yr old son has been refusing to go to school since October-his average is currently 1 day per week. I am getting plenty of moral support from the school and parent support/behavious support workers but not many practical suggestions now that we have exhausted rewards, punishments, cajoling, bribes, threats etc. Physically, he's taller and heavier than me so dragging him anywhere is not an option. He has refused CBT after a bad experience with CAMHS counsellors during anger management a few years back. So far, the GP has refused a referral to any clinical pscychologist/psychiatrist. Parent Support Worker thinks he is depressed. His sleep is so disturbed that several times a week he will be up for 24 hours straight in an attempt to 'sync' his body clock back to normal times again, but even when he manages that he still usually refuses to go into school. So far, the school have provided no home work for him and I struggle to get him to do any school work at home (I am a single parent working full-time). He'll happily spend time on the internet reading about any subject that has caught his fancy and has encyclopeadic knowledge of modern Japanese culture!
So, my question to you I guess is, in your experience are there any questions I can ask him that might help him open up? He continually says he doesn't know what's wrong, maybe he doesn't. I have changed tack a bit recently and instead of going on and on about missing education I have said that I am more bothered about him missing out on a part of his development - social and otherwise. He is a bright kid, capable of top grades but right now I couldn't care less what kind of exam results he gets as long as he is happy, as you have proven there is plenty of time to find what's right for you, but it breaks my heart to vist the school and see groups of boys learning and socialising and having fun and he is missing all of it with no realisation that he can't ever get it back.

Am I totally on the wrong wavelength? I'd appreciate advice from anywhere right now as I see truancy charges looming! :-(

Thanks,

Miranda

Miranda

Hi - firstly your son is not a truant, he is a school refuser and there is a big difference. Unfortunatley your son has to be at the stage where he will accept help himslef, and no amount of forcing will make him co-operate and he will get there, he will realise that it is the only way forward.

We have all tried bribes, punishments etc and no of them work, but i am glad the school is supportive. I doubt your son knows what the problem is - he would be able to change it if he did, and you may never really know what started it. Sleep has always been a problem for my son, and we too have had fits and starts about doing school work at home. Has the school offer you some form of home education for a few hours a week ? It is a shame about his expereince with CAMHS as i think CBT would help no end - Linda and I are big CBT fans.

You must keep a diary of everything just in case there is a problem in the future, and you can show just how much you have tried to get him to school. I too found it hard to see my sons friends all enjoying school and i felt so sorry for him. When your son does go in is there any pattern to his attendance ? is there a particular day he goes ?

We are all here for you, and being a single working mum is hard but all you can do is support your son.

Keep in touch

Sarah xx

Hi Miranda,

Welcome to the site. I agree with what Sarah has said. SR kids can't pinpoint something specific. This certainly makes it difficult for us to communicate at first. Let your son know you understand him - stop the punishments and the talk about what he is missing out on and see if his mood improves. It is hard - but that change in our attitude can really help.

Does he have any physical symptoms in a morning - the usual sickness, aches and pains etc? Did this start after he started secondary school? You mention having anger management. Looking back, do you think that might have been his frustration with underlying anxiety? He might have been finding it impossible to focus and the situation got to him after bottling it in - thus the anger? They might have approached the CBT wrong if they thought he just had an attitude problem or something 'specific' that triggered it.

And yes I have to say that I really support CBT. You might just have to not mention that name - and say it is therapy or help. I have found that getting onto this has helped my son keep going to school as much as he can. He has missed an awful lot of school but this year he started secondary school and I can tell by the conversations that we have that he understands his condition and although he still needs me to help him push through the physical symptoms - he tries really hard to work on this thought patterns. He never used to do this before CBT and he just used to meltdown and then become very depressed.


I am also a sole parent and yes it is tough. isn't it, especially if you have to work full time.. I work from home but even that gets totally disrupted when he is home as he does tend to feel bad about himself and get frustrated and angry. I still sometimes fall into the guilt trap and then realise how awful that is for him.
Does your son still have friends? Just out of curiosity - with his amazing knowledge of Japan - have you had him tested for aspbergers?
I'd just try and follow up with some further therapy and ask why the GP won't send you for a referral to a specialist of some kind. But in the meantime - take the pressure off your son re attending and let him know you do understand and you are going to work together to help him find some strategies to push through the barriers he feels he is now facing. He is not alone.
Good luck and please do keep talking to us,
Linda