Hello All
Like some of the others I never even thought about searching for school refusal.So glad to have found this site. We have been coping for several years now with a child who has extreme school phobia and still have not managed to get a full day or weeks attendance. Looking back he had some separation anxiety at primary school but we thought it was age related and he coped well enough. Since the start of High school some instances of name calling have sent our lives into a spirral. After each school break the situation just comes back, well actually never really goes away. His health is really suffering, panic attacks,aches, pains,exhaustion. He is just pertrified of the environment, moving between classes, being in a class where teachers have little or no control.The school support has been good but on the whole its hanging by a thread. As soon as he is not in school it disappears. We have even had CAMHS self help sessions but are having to go back again.Attending GP, searching for any further help and options. The anxiety creeps into every day life of us all, we are all distressed and worried about his education. He is not a naughty child has been easy to bring up, polite, friendly.How did this happen our clever, well behaved and loving child? We feel so terrible, helpless and will try anything.

Hi, glad you have found us. Your story is exactly the same as mine and Dorothy's, and several others in here. We do not have the answers i'm afraid but we can offer support which you will find helpful as you are not alone. How old is your refuser and what support have the school offered? Is your son/daughter on meds for the panic attacks? my son suffered really badly with these and to be honest it affected all the family so i know where you are coming from.

Keep in touch you will find it helps so much

Sarah xx

Hi Campbell Family

Welcome to the forum, we've all been where you are now, we might not have all the answers, but we are all living it, try to read through the posts, you will find so many similarities in all our stories, and hopefully some comfort.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Sarah/Dorothy

Thanks for the welcome. I have felt a slight sense of relief since finding the website in my thirst for more knowledge on this subject. It's just good to feel that we are not alone. We had no idea this was so common until recently. Our son is 13, GP and specialists reluctant to move to meds yet.More intensive therapy being arranged, waiting. There is some support at school but their main agenda is that he needs to conform/fit in to be educated. We appreciate this is their function but he is normal, he doesn't want to feel this way. We have learned that it is also their role to support children in education as part of inclusion.There is so much more work to do, next week is a new week. We are keen to support and share our experiences if it helps others.
I look forward to reading through the threads from you all on this site.
Best wishes Dawn

Dawn

My son was 12 when this all came to a head, and he is a loving, clever well mannered boy, everyone who meets him comments on how nice he is and can't understand why he has any problems, it's such a cruel illness. Just always believe in your son and go with your gut instincts, you do know him better than anyone, the education system has a legal obligation to educate your son, where ever that may be, it doesn't have to be in school. I know it feels so important just now, but your son's well being is more important than his education just now, when I was told this years ago my first reaction was 'his education is the most important thing, he needs to get his qualifications' my son is clever, like all the kids here, and he could have done so well, but as time goes by you realise that when the time is right he can go back to it, if that is what he wants to do. Unfortunately priorities change when your child is a SR, but he will make you proud in so many other ways, getting through each day is a huge acheivement for them.

Need to go now,tears are running down my face, even though we have come so far, it still tears me apart when I hear from someone new, the feelings i thought had long gone are still there in a corner of my heart, reminding me that although we have accepted how things are now, part of me still wonders how things could have been......................

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi Dawn,

I am so glad you found us on here. We have been through quite a lot together on here and we all support each other in a way that I could never have imagined when I used to sit alone at home and cry or both my son and I cry together.

Acceptance is one thing that can shift our strength into gear (I found this helped me) and finding the right help at the right time for the individual. It is all a juggling game and small steps and a few steps backwards and forwards as you already know.
Do you know if the help you are going to receive is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? If you son is wanting to take this on board it might be very helpful for him but it seems that until the individual feels ready it is fairly hard to implement. It has helped my son, despite his seemingly lack of interest. It also helped me as it gave me a better strategy to work with when I was talking with him or trying to get him to recognise that his 'aches' and 'illness' were the anxiety speaking. It is worth seeking out further info on this. Just talking via a counsellor doesn't seem to help all that much as the child does not seem to be able to pinpoint exactly what they are fearful of. It then becomes almost like fear of fear itself.

I am just enjoying our holidays down here at the moment and trying to keep my strength up for the start of secondary school in two weeks.
I read so many posts on here about how SR started for their child at high school - it will be interesting to see if my son gets worse, stays the same or gets better!

Take care - please continue to share your experiences - it is all helpful as we travel this road together.
Linda xx

Hi Linda
Last year he did some CBT - tools for his toolbox. He mastered the breathing and happy place techniques but some of the others have been more difficult to master. As parents we are at least more knowledgeable on these techniques too. However CAHMS are saying that he needs more intensive CBT sessions focusing more on negative thinking, some of these techniques are time consuming, training the brain to realise how unlikely your worst fears really are. Not a quick fix and something my son finds in the height of panic difficult to switch apply. We are still not sure even after a year what his fear is, we know it relates to the school environment of High school, being around his peers mainly. He does not cope well with change and at High school his day is very unpredictable, change inevitable with timetables, teachers, subjects rotating,moving from one class to another and large classes with peer group banter. To him school is like prison, he feels trapped and scared.He has never been bullied but was a victim of what they called banter. This has been addressed but was enough to trigger his current fears.He does not want to go to another school feels this will still be a problem. He says he would love to go back to primary school, one class/one teacher. He does like routine, controlled situations and right/wrong. A bit of a perfectionist, if he is not good at something he gives up trying. Anyway hopefully more CBT sessions will help as they are recommending that we don't consider moving schools, home schooling just yet. But the really funny thing is he can be socialble, loves adult company (says he trusts them to behave?) and we try and keep him active in other peer group activites. He gets nervous at times but is quite an extrovert in company he is comfrotable with, loves jokes and magic.There are some very good times but already Sunday evening and the mood here is changing, withdrawing into himself, quiet all before another attempt at school tomorrow.
Onwards and upwards
Speak to you all next week Dawn

Hi Dawn,

You could be describing my son! He also is better in adult company and can be quite outward going sometimes and likes to joke (has a good sense of humour). With his peers he tries too hard to be funny I think. He also doesn't trust his friends and sadly boys can come and go at a whim it seems. This fear and anxiety is not something that pervades his whole personality.

He also found in the height of panic that changing his thoughts was just not possible. However - we try to practise this in any situation in which it arises which in fact I have noticed does tend to crop up rather more frequently than I realised. It also helps me to know how to help him. But the psychiatrist we ended up seeing says my son is not ready for intense CBT one on one yet. She thought he'd benefit from a group but of course that freaked him out!

And my son also gives up trying if he is not good at something which means he keeps narrowing the things he does. He used to love reading, writing and drawing but has abandoned these as he says he is not good! From my point of view he is - but it is like talking to a brick wall on that front. This also means he worked out at school if he didn't finish his work he wouldn't be criticised for it being 'wrong' but just not finished. If he wasn't bright we would have had to pull out a lot more strategies to get him through school.
Here's hoping my son doesn't get too overwhelmed by the change at high school that occurs in one day. He didn't like the unpredictable nature of Primary school - so you never know -high school might be more predictable!?

Good luck Dawn and hope next week has some positives.
Linda xx