Hi all,

Very interested to find this site

We have a SR, aged 16. Was very well behaved, now we have a pretty full list of difficulties: self-harm, school refusal, notes about suicide, friend troubles (it's amazing how often it seems to start with one special friend who lets them down - I wonder if this is the whole story), depression, setting of impossibly high standards but unmatched by diligence in schoolwork and so on.

We had a good Christmas, and have managed a couple of weeks of partial attendance but now we're back in amongst it.

Now I'd be the first to say we haven't handled everything as well as we might - she'd been such a good kid that it came as a real surprise when she wouldn't go to school (although on reflection there were some strange behaviours, like running away in the evening, a year or so ago). We've had our share of shouting and general nastiness including visits from poilce and ambulance, and apologies to neighbours... BUT we've tried really hard to listen and support and make opportunities for her to get out and see others. And we're really committed to helping, especialy as this is the GCSE year (we still live in hope).

So what I'm after (in addition to just the therapeutic process of writing this all down) is a bit of practical advice.

What do people do when the kids are left on their own? We have just started a regime of taking away the mobile, TV etc when she's at home.

TV in room? We 've just taken the TV out of her room at night as there's a temptation to watch all night.

Favourite activities subject to good behaviour? Although a couple have already faded away, very sadly.

Now we don't mean these as punishments as such, but we don't want to make home so comfortable that there's no reason at all to go to school. And CAMHS say that privileges need to be earned

After such a reasonable start to the year we're struggling with the idea that we're back to square 1 - and all the time GCSE's looming ever closer. So I'd really appreciate any pointers. We want to be supportive, but we need to have some discipline and order, otherwise the slovenliness and lack of care get out of hand.

Thanks all - it is good to know there are others

Hi David,
Welcome to the forum. It has been a god send to me since I found it.
My son is 15.He is not allowed his x box on during school hours and it is to be switched off at the same time each night.As he was not going out at all the x box live was his only contact with his peers so to completely cut it out would have been even more detrimental to his mental well-being. Initially I would have locked the x box in my wardrobe while I was at work but we have worked together on trust and why certain boundaries need to be maintained .
You'll find a lot of help and support here....just look through past posts .
Take care
love Lindy x

Hi David - i'm so sorry to hear your story but we all understand. With regards to discipline i am very divided on this subject. Yes rewards have to be earned but our children are not being naughty they are suffering so will with holding privilages help ? I don't mean let them stay in bed all day watching tv but a little extra tlc can help.

I have had conflicting ideas from the professionals as i am sure we all have - what does your GP say ? What have the school said are they understanding ?

Keep your chin up, and keep supporting your daughter as much as possible.

Stay in touch Sar x

Lindy, Sarah, thanks very much for the replies.

I guess the nub of it is that we are quite ready to be really supportive and accepting of a genuine problem - and we think we have a genuine problem. What is tougher for us is when that problem tips over into laziness and general slovenliness - filthy room, chores not done at all with neither apology nor guilt. Our attitude (which we're still evolving daily) is to allow social interaction but limit all 'fun' stuff during school hours. Quite where Facebook fits there is a tricky one. It's harder (as for most) when we're both out at work.

CAMHS say make her earn things; we haven't yet had the GP to the house. Right now she refuses to see anyone (including CAMHS) about counselling or anything like that, even though that might be a big help.

We want to support (maybe too much, quite possibly less caring parents would have an easier time) but we don't want to indulge and have the mickey taken out of us.

Again, thanks for your support

D

Hi David,
I think I had said in a previous post that my son's room was a reflection of his mind at the time. When you are feeling so low that you don't want to look after yourself it would be hard for him then to think about anyone or anything else. It is you child's mental wellbeing that is of up most importance....the rest will come in time.
take care
Lindy x

David - unfortunatley it is all part of the problem ( illness ) and they all go though it, lazy unkept etc but you will all get through it. Anxiety is like depression and SR do not have any motivation or very little of it. Yes you are right less caring parents would find it easy, but we all do care that's why we are on this site trying to find the answers.

I would recommed seeing the GP as im sure he/she will be able to help.

Keep in touch

Sarah x

Hi David,

Glad you found the site and hope it helps - as Sarah says , we all do understand. I agree with Lindy regarding the room being a state of the mind at the time. My son initially just wanted a magic wand to make it all go away (in the mind and surroundings). Everything was too hard. He then came to realise he did need some help.

If you can try and talk to her about strategies to cope rather than talking to someone (counselling) about how she feels. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is good if you can get someone who works with that. Perhaps suggest to your daughter that it is to help her with things outside of school too.

I tried the withdrawing of technology and other 'fun' things as I was told I should. It didnt' work as far as getting him to school. I sometimes feel, however, that this has meant that his other interests have fallen by the wayside as being on the computer for instance, distracts him (he has said so). Whereas he finds when he is reading or drawing or something else creative - his thoughts start crowding in again.

Keeping connected with friends in some way is also important if they can - even via mobile or computer etc. Otherwise being at home could become very isolating for them. Does your daughter attempt any school work when she is home? Any reading?

Sorry - no magic solution!! Good luck and I do hope your daughter starts to want to take on board some help.
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi David,

Let me start by saying that I believe SR is an illness not a faddy mood swing. It's a fight with professionals to make them understand it, but we all understand on here...... you are not alone.

My daughter has been a SR in the past. It started whenshe was 12, she is 17 now and attending college very happily and looking at Universities, so believe me there is hope!

I've just asked her what she would have done if I'd taken her laptop or mobile during her SR time and she said she "would have been cocooned in her bedroom with no contact with the outside world". It was only her online chats, checking out the internet etc that kept her going through that dreadful time.

Interesting insight to an SR's mind.

My advice is to give her lots of hugs and let her know you are on her side..... its the only way we got through it.

Take care, it does get better, I promise.

Sue and M. x

Hello David and girls
I have had a break for the past week or so and I am just catching up now. David I fully understand your position on discipline. My son has SR, at the moment we are managing to get him into school but not to classes. He has a safe place in school and we are waiting on a return to CAMHS. Our previous work with CAMHS involved rewards and removing privileges. I was completely uncomfortable with this, my son has never behaved badly, he does not have that nature. I felt I was punishing him for being ill. We have been through your despair and not always managed things as well as we would have liked. Knowing more now we have changed our approach and I am trying to be firm but not punish him. Often difficult because if I slightly raise my voice in the mornings he starts to get upset and feels bad about it, feeling sorry all day. Its a difficult balance, but listening and sharing information with others through the same experience helps.
Take care dawn