My daughter is in year 11. As of three weeks ago she has been refusing to go to school. First week back at school after the xmas holidays were fine and 100% attendance, then Sunday came around and we had her crying at midnight saying that she cannot face going back to school again. She was so upset. It was in year nine when I noticed a change in my daughters attitude to school. She would periodically say she hated school and wanted to change schools. It was friendship issues in year 9. Fallings out and changing frienship groups. She would miss at least 3 days a month with "headaches" and feeling sick. Her schoolwork started to slide and she would never do homework, leading to detentions which she would not attend. This continued into year 10. Sick days started to increase especially on PE days. She has become more and more aggresive, verbally abusive toward me but not her dad. She has anger problems and has trashed her room on many occassions. She only turned up for half a day on her work experience and never returned. In class she is not disrupted or naughty. She can be chatty and can daydream.

She is very talented in the performing arts and is taking this as an option. This will give her a BTEC which is the equivilant of 2 GCSE at a*.She sings, acts and dances and she wants to follow a career in musical theatre.

Last year in year 10 I noticed that she had scratched her arm at school. She said it was because she had been given a detention. I fear now that she has an anxiety/depressive illness and we are waiting for an appointment with Camhs. God knows how long we will wait. She shows many signs of teenage Bipolar.

She has been in only on monday this week. Last week for two days and the same the week before. She isn't down all the time and weekends are usually OK. In November she appeared as the lead in the schools production of "we Will Rock You". She was fantastic in it. I work at the school as a lab technician, and I lost count of the parents and teachers coming up to me to say how wonderful my daughter was. It was such a boost for her. She was on a big downer when it finished. She has many friends at school and a really lovely boyfriend. She confides in him about how she feels and he is so supportive. The school, however, cannot see why I cant get her into school. Because I work there I am in contact with them daily. We are taking each day as it comes but I cannot see her going back to school. They agreed a plan last week to come in later, but that didn;t work. She saw the school councellor but she took a dislike to her and doesn't want to see her again.

She has an interview at college next week for a performing arts course. She has to audition. They require 4 A-C's and she is predicted these but she will not get them if she misses more school. She knows this and this is more pressure for her. I was wondering if I should tell the college about what is happening. The reference they got from school was good, but it was sent before she started to refuse. She is desparate to go to college. She hates school. Hates being treated like a number and hates everyone there. I just want her to be happy. She knows she doesn't feel right. I cry with her.

Sorry to rant, but it does help and I am so glad I have found this site. I know it;s going to be a rough ride, but I know I am not alone.

I will keep you posted. Thanks for listening.

Tracey

Hi Tracey,

You are facing some tough times. Others on here whose sons/daughters have gone to college might have some advice regarding whether to tell them or not Do you hesitate to tell them because you think it might jeopardise her chances? Yet it could mean that she gets the support she needs. Sorry I am not much help on that one but generally with SR we end up having to go with our gut feeling.

You mention your daughter has teenage bi-polar tendencies. Is this because she is up one minute, down the next? I find that the anxiety has these symptoms as well (unless all SR are borderline bi-polar!). Have you read the article that Sophy mentioned and Simon has now posted on The Blog (also referred to by Helen in previous post.

Are you possibly able to get a diagnosis for your daughter (from doctor or referred to psychologist) before waiting for camhs? The really great thing, however, is that she is still able to perform. That is fantastic. From what I have read, there seems to be a few performers and entertainers that suffer anxiety. You wouldn't think it to see them on stage - but off stage is another story. A couple of actors here in Australia had cognitive behaviour therapy to help them and they swear by it - saying that it helped them enormously. You have to want to get help though. Is your daughter wanting to get help or does she just see it as a school issue and not effecting her life otherwise? Does she show any signs of anxiety outside of the school situation?

Sorry for the long reply here and not sure I have helped at all! We are all listening here an understand where you are right now.
Let us know how things go.
Linda xx

Tracey - hi. I do feel for you i really do. Sunday nights were a nightmare for us whne my son started to refuse and like you i have cried and cried buckets both alone and with my son who is also year 11. One thing i did pick up on was in November the school play was We will rock you - strange my sons Academy also did the same production last Nov - is you daughters school an Academy ?? ( are you in the Midlands ?? )

Waiting for a CAMHS appointment can take a while - have they given you any indiciation of how long ? What does your GP say ? Stay strong and it will get easier i promise.

Take care

Sarah xx

Hi Linda,
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I am wary of telling the college in case it goes against her getting into the course she wants. It's a musical theatre course and she has to be interviewed and audition with a song and monologue. If it went on that alone I know she would have no problem being accepted, but they also need results, reports and references!

I think she has bi-polar tendencies but after reading nearly all the posts on here (yes, it has taken a while!) it could be an anxiety/depression disorder. Looking back over the years I can see many things that you all see in your children. She did have separation anxiety to a degree. As a very young child, if she lost sight of me in a supermarket, fo instance, then she would cry. My son on the other hand would not blink an eyelid and would not even be aware I was out of sight. I was happy she was like that because I had no fear that I would lose her out shopping. My son was "lost" on many occasions becuase he never vocalized it.

She would also go to sleepovers and rarely see it through. Many times I would get a call from a parent at 1 in the morning asking to come and get her. Sleepovers at home were fine, although she would get overtired, hyper and then want the friends to go. Obviously they didn't, then in the morning after they were picked up she would say she never wanted a sleepover again. I would also find it hard to go out with friends for an evening without her constantly phoning me. She would be at home with her brother and dad, so it wasn't a problem with a sitter.Even just going food shopping she would insist she went with me and then complain of being bored and for me to hurry up. When she reached around 13 it all eased off. I could go out without to much fuss. She was managing the odd sleepover, although it would now be her calling me if she wanted to come home. She doesn't insist on coming to the shops although when she does now it is usually because she wants something (make-up, clothes etc). She goes to London to a performing arts school on a Sunday and I take her and bring her home (we are 60 miles from London!). She is wanting to go on her own now, and last week I bit the bullet and let her. I still picked her up though! I do know I can be overprotective and her dad is even more so, but over the past couple of years she had been given more freedom. I trust her and if she is out, she will check in to let me know she is ok.

She does have anger issues, and I really think this is stress related. She finds timetables and shedules hard. Just going up to London on a sunday can be stressful for her as we have to catch a certain train, and because she is so disorganised she leaves it all to the last minute and then I am
pushing her to hurry up etc. Then on the train she refuses to talk to me and listens to her music the whole time. She finds it so hard to gwet organised. Her room is such a mess but I find myself tidying it so that it is one less thing for her to cope with. I think that if her room is tidy, then she will be able to think straighter. I know that is wrong and I should just let the mess build up. It is hard.

School and GP have made a referral to CAMHS but I dont hold out much hope with them, at least in the short term. My daughter said she would go to school last Friday as she had double Drama and double performing arts. She was due to record a song in performing arts for her coursework. I was so upset that she didn't go in. Bipolar can see a child lose interest in things that they love. She often doesn't want to attend her performing classes out of school. She is always wanting to start things then stopping after a few weeks. We has tried everything, from horse riding to karate but nothing lasts. What has been constant is her performing, even though she does chop and change classes and groups quite often. I have never pushed her with performing. At 3 years old she asked me to let her go to ballet classes. Everything she has done has done since has been her wanting to. She has joined various theatre groups and performed in many shows. She has never been greatly academic and I can see her doing something in performing arts. She knows its a hard profession.

Yes, there are many performers out there who have anxiety and depression issues and with help they lead a normal life. I will look into CBT. She has self esteem issues. She thinks she is too fat (she is skinny!), she thinks she is the only teen with spots. Despite loving to perform, she is not confident. She is not what you think a perfromer should be...bubbly, extrovert etc. Far from it. A friend at school, whom she has known since the age of 3 (met at that ballet class) is into performing as well, but she is super confident and a proper "luvvy". But on Stage my daughter is totally different. One think she can;t do is practice at home. Unless she is alone, she will not sing or rehearse at home. Seeing her in a production is a real shock as we never hear her at home. Again, lack of confidence.

I have asked her if it is only school and she says no. I can see it is not as well because. She can be so down at times. She cycles very quickly.

Well today is monday. She was upbeat last night. Boyfriend came round
and she seemed like she would manage to get in today. Couldn't get her up. I have to leave soon for work (I work in her school) so another day at home. In the past we would have a slanging match with me shouting and trying to drag her out of bed and her screaming the house down. No wonder our neighbours moved!! I don't do that now. It doesn't work and only makes her and I more stressed.

Thanks for listening. Not looking forward to work. I feels drained from the last few weeks. The house is a tip, and the cupboards are bare. I am a bit of a chameleon and take on the moods of those around me. So when she is down, then I am. When she is happy, then so am I.

Tracey

Hi Sarah, thanks for replying.

We live in Sussex. Did you see the production at your sons school. My daughter put a clip of her in it on youtube. I can post it here if I am allowed. The girl on it is poles apart from the one I have upstairs under her duvet

I know it will get easier. I try to be optimistic.
Thanks for listening.
Tracey

Hi Tracey,

I felt my own emotions coming up when I read your detailed account of your daughter. I really don't know if anxiety or bi-polar tendencies could cause the mood swings but I have been told that anxiety can do that I I guess I am hoping so. My son sounds like your daughter and I am sure she sounds like many other's sons/daughters on here. My son was also 'clingy' and wouldn't stay home if I was going shopping but then either wanted to buy everything or told me to get a move on! Now he stays home but now I worry that that means he just 'stays home' all the time and I find it hard to get him out.

He joined soccer and I was over the moon. It lasted one and a half years and then he just refused to go to training, said he hated the coach (everyone else thought he was nice), hated this, hated that. At the time he was 'obsessed' with soccer. He wanted to watch matches all the time, he wanted to train 'with me' (kept me fit!!) and was always kicking the ball round the house. Now - he has moved onto something else.
He learnt drums for 2 years and then suddenly had meltdowns not wanting to go to the lessons. He never practised at home but luckily was a natural.

So like with your daughter. It is not just 'loosing interest' as you would expect with most kids it is a kind of 'all on' or 'all off' with these things.

What about sleep with your daughter? Does she have difficulties?

Oh it is such a drain, isn't it! I know how you feel. See if you can try CBT - it can be so helpful and even if, like my son, you only take on a little bit of it. It has changed how he views his anxiety and that has been a positive step forward.
suspect 'normal' teenage behaviour also mixes with the Anxiety and that makes it twice as difficult for us to deal with the situation. I know what you mean about screaming the house down!! I haven't done that for a couple of years now but I expressed my anger and frustration in a way I never thought was in me! It was scary for me to hear myself but I was at the end of my tether too. I still can get angry and have to try and count or distract myself but I manage to not feel so drawn into my son's emotions. I too used to ride up and down with his emotions and still do to some degree but have managed over the years to distract myself. I through myself into doing art work and whenever I feel emotional I try and focus on that and it calms me!
Take care and I hope you can recharge your own batteries. Hoping some support arrives soon for you.
Linda xx