So glad to have found this site. My daughter has refused to go to school for several months. Initially started when she missed alot of school due to a sinus infection back in Aug/ Sept. Barely scraped by that semester . We had to drag her to school. She tried to go back after the winter holiday , but after 2 days couldn't cope with the anxiety. The school agreed to let her do home bound school work, however , she can't even do that. She panics if the subject of school even comes up.

Previously she was at the top of her class. Very intelligent - things come easily to her. She has always had good friends and really enjoyed being at school and learning. She is currently in a day program for treatment of anxiety and depression. I feel like she is just getting worse. She is happiest when she can forget about school/schoolwork. However, I am afraid all the avoidance will just compound the issue.

Hi Page,

Glad you found the site. Everyone on here understands what you are going through. So sorry you are feeling so frustrated and in a bad spot at the moment. It must be so hard on you and your daughter.

It seems that most SR kids are bright and highly sensitive.

What kind of therapy is she receiving for her anxiety? When you say 'day program' - what is this? What about medication - have they mentioned this? Cognitive Behaviour Therapy does help anxiety but your daughter has to be able to take it on board - as in wanting help and not just keep shutting everything out and hoping it will all go away by itself.

Tell your daughter about the site you have found and that she is not alone.

What do you mean by 'home bound schoolwork'? Did the school provide work for her? That sounds good even if she isn't doing it yet. How supportive is the school otherwise?

Sometimes it is a matter of still trying to get them to school (as in my case 'at the moment'). I do not drag him, however. He has to feel he can push through the 'barrier' and some mornings he just can't do it. When he has been off sick he finds it enormously difficult to get back to school. He is not on medication but he has had CBT. This also helped me know what to do and what kind of 'talk' to have when he was in the throws of anxiety or after he had calmed down.

Others on here have other stories and sometimes have taken their son/daughter out of school altogether and schooled via tutors or home schooled. It does depend on each individual child, the school, the amount of support and how depressed the child is. Their mental health is of upmost importance.

Let her know that you understand her and are there for her. Getting her out of the depression is of upmost importance - school/education is something that will have to come later or in a different form.

I hope having us on here to listen to you can help you on your rocky road and that things get a bit smoother soon.
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi Page,
On a recent post (new parents to this site) Sarah has given good advice of what to look into so please have a wee read at that post if you haven't already. How old is your daughter? It is so hard isn't it to watch our kids experience their extreme anxiety. All you can do is reassure her that you are there for her and will listen whenever she needs you. It will be small steps on this journey and it is good that she already getting help for her anxiety and depression.
Take care,
love Lindy x

Hi Page - You will find you are on a rollercoaster ride, sometimes up and many times down. We have been suffering for over 4 years and this week has definatley been a downer, but these are now few and far between and life is so much better than it has been - infact most of the time it's great. As Lindy said have a look at the previous post for new parents as there seems to be so many new cases recently - this should help with the day to day coping for you, and you need to be supportive for your daughter - i'm sure you are by getting help, and let her know you are there for her. Things will get better better, and remember education isn't everything it - she can always catch up. As LInda says all SR seem to be exceptionally bright children and there is an obvious pattern with all our kids, be male, female younger children or older teenagers.

What does your GP say ? I am presuming you are not in the UK ?

Take care Sarah xx

Hi Page

I have just found this website myself and my situation sounds really similar to yours. Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you but sometimes it's just a comfort to know that you're not alone in this situation but there are quite a few of us struggling with the same issues.

Keep in touch.

Paula

Hi Page
It's interesting what you say about your daughter being top of the class with good friends but now suffers from anxiety. My son was like that - top of the class and very popular but as soon as the school work became harder for him he just froze up and went into a depression (and this was when he was only 9 years of age.) He is now 12 and I am afraid I can't be very encouraging because he currently totally refuses to go to school and we have applied to have a teacher to teach him at home. I'm not sure if it is the same for your daughter but the only way I can explain my son's behavoir that he has to be the best and the top and if he can't he just gives up. That was the trigger and our insisting and punishments brought on the depression. We are now at the stage that he seems so happy when he is not at school - he stays at home during the morning and meets up with friends when they finish school. This of course is not how it should be and we really want to get him back into some kind of framework but when I see him now - a happy, caring, fun boy and compare it to the days of frustration, crying, violence and physical pain I sometimes don't know what is best!! He still has managed to keep his friends but I am not sure how long this will last if he stays out of school. I never know whether he really has a problem or just taking the easy way out. Is he manipulating us or should I give him the benefit of the doubt? It's so frustrating all round. Sorry not to be more positive but like everyone says on this forum its good to know that you and your family are not the only one!!

Hi Yael

You mentioned is your son playing you but i doubt it. Look at all he has gone through. I said the very same thing years ago, but my psycologist said that if he was trying it on he couldn't keep it up for that length of time but i totally understand where you are coming from.

My son never went back to school, but i was happy with that as he is now getting his life back but often goes into depressed moods where he so wishes he had gone back / could go back.

Unfortunately there is only so much we can do, but as long as we support and be there for our children then no one can ask any more.

Good to hear from you again as i have seen your previous posts.

Stay in touch

Sarah xx

Thanks Sarah I need reminding from time to time that he's not playing up. It's just so hard to understand him when he has no problem going out with his friends on his bike or skateboard but when it comes to school then no amount of positive or negative reinforcement will help!!!

Hi Yael,

My son sounds exactly the same as your son. Has a thriving social life but just cannot deal with school. I too struggle with if he can go out with his friends why can't he go to school. This weekend he had sleepovers and was out playing in the snow, we hardly saw him and without the stress of school, he is absolutely fine. I have just withdrawn him from his school as the stress on our family became too much and after his fun weekend, yesterday he was a different boy. He told me that
he wants to go to college to do his GCSEs in September and wants to start working at home. I think being around their friends makes them feel 'normal' and gives them a shot of confidence. I have been advised in the past to punish him by keeping him at home if he doesn't go to school but that just brings on the depression.

They can't help the way they feel. I think you just have to follow your gut instinct but sometimes we doubt ourselves.

sophy

I feel reading the messages that our children have a social life brings with it the added problem - they can play but can't go to school. But imagine how life would be if they didn't go out at all - we had it for 9 months of not leaving the house at all - now M has quite a good time with his friends and it has made all the difference, so please don't beat yourselves up about it, i think we worry what other people think when they see our kids out - don't worry about others we have great kids and deserve a break.

We are good parents - just not travelling down the same path as others.

Love Sar xx

Hi everyone,

I have to agree with Sarah on this about socialising.. I am always having to really push my son to socialise outside of school. And mostly it just doesn't happen. Yet socialising is so vital for their development too. So I think we just have to see the SR as having different sides. If they are social they can still have SR.
I think that SR can be just SR but for some at some time it can also be anxiety in other areas and the surprises of going out with mates or even being outward going in some circumstances is just part of the nature of this kind of anxiety. They are not particularly shy (although can be withdrawn and often the two get mixed up) but if they don't go out of the house to mix with mates - they can start to develop social anxiety - and then you have double trouble!! It is a tricky road to balance and accept where they are at and what they do.
Take care,
Linda xx

Thanks so much for the reply. It is so helpful to hear from others.
My D is 15, and in a partial day hospital program for depression/anxiety.
She is receiving DBT therapy. We are not in the Uk (although she was born there). Is DBT used in the UK?

We tried dragging her to school , basically, but this just compounded the anxiety and depression. She is very happy when not faced with school or work. She is staying in touch with friends, which is good but does leave me thinking that she is manipulating the situation. But, I am grateful for this too, because the alternative (not socializing) is much less appealing.

We have been approved by the school to have a teacher visit her at home.... This is temporary though. Probably 4 -6 weeks. I am hoping she will finish the semester and then we can regroup for the following year. Right now though, she won't even try to attempt any work.

I did show her a presentation on the web that I found re: school refusal. It explained what she was going through and I think it was helpful to her. It if the NJ Center for Tourettes Syndrome , but don't it actually addresses the topic of SR. If this link doesn't work, then just search "New Jersey Tourettes school refusal".
.http://njcts.org/wordpress/webinars/school-refusal-and-anxiety-keeping-your-anxious-child-in-school-through-coordinated-interventions/

Yes! I agree . I wonder too, if my d just wants totake the easy way out. She is happy and social with friends. But, I do recognize that she feels real anxiety. I do worry that its the "if I can't be the best, why try"
I too am afraid that her friendships will fade the longer she is out of school.
She has so much potential. It is very sad to see her fall behind.
I am trying to just focus on her recovery. I know that the education will happen eventually and is not the top priority now.